Balance and the BEST THING EVER

Balance:
i got psycho email today.
it was balanced by one of the state's attorneys deciding that I was Jada to her intern's Will and decided to tell the *entire* division that we were getting married.

Hilarity ensued.
Not really, but it was bizarre enough to cover for the freakiness I dealt with earlier in the day.

THE BEST THING EVER:
Besu came to visit me at HHRC! That was TOTALLY unexpected, and it made me feel so good... and loved... and I love him right on back. He also told me about a new prospect for him... not really in the relationship department, but he met someone who the mere thought of made his face completely change... his jaw softened and his eyes glazed over. And I thought, "he's totally gone." I'm happy for him! I like seeing his face like that; happy. If not happy... there's another word for it... not amused... when I think of the word, I'll bring it back up. But it's there. And I haven't seen him in forever, (and I won't see him or anyone else *for* forever starting September 05 - Dec 20ish... and yes, I know that "forever" is three months long) and it was SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD to see him again.

And it hit me that the people that have the most power over my emotions are men. 1: My father, whose power is diminishing and has nearly extinguished... though it remains to be tested, not that I'm running out to buy lithmus paper... 2: Besu, who made my day just by walking into the room 3: We all know who this is. I have no idea why the mere mention of their name drives my stomach into knots, but it does. The end. 4: any crazy person at the moment, who puts me in a situation I feel powerless to react to.

I love my boss, cause he helped me respond to an email situation regarding the #4 earlier in the day, and let me know that I'm not powerless. So I reclaimed a little bit of my composure, and didn't freak out nearly as much as I could have. He also let me know he'd have my back in a heartbeat if the person continued it. Now, to the person's credit, when I shot them down, they backed off. I'm sure I'll never hear about it again. Doubt he'll ask me out again. Thus, there's no issue. The problem I have is when I tell people no and it's not good enough for them. But whatever.

So I'm learning not to let people have power over me.

Going back to Besu, I really, really missed him. What's the saying? Don't know a good thing till it's gone? Well, Bus is good people. PERIOD. And when he's not around, I miss his presence, and his cracked sense of humor. And when I told him I'm glad he came back, he said "I never left," which just about killed me. And I never miss people. If nothing else, I hope we stay in each other's lives for a long, long time. I think that's the thing with him, I know he loves me, and I think he knows I love him right on back, so when we're apart for long, it's cool. And don't get any ideas, people. Good love. God love.

Reflecting on how many men I have in my life... and how all my friends are basically men, you'll be glad to note that I now have a collective of women I associate on a daily basis with. Sure, they're co-workers, but it's a start, and seeing as how there are only four men in the entire Division, I haven't much choice. But we all get along, and that's the important thing. I miss my twin. She called me today & I told her all about the will/jada/20 year old kid thing and she golf clapped that I didn't freeze up.

Working at the counter has changed me. Normally, I'd be like "what?" when faced with this gem from today:
"I think I know you from somewhere"
And I'd try to help the guy figure out where it was that he knew me from. Only I didn't recognize him, so I said "I don't think so... you know me from somewhere?" and he said "yeah, I must have gave you my number and you never called me back."

THIS is his fatal mistake. That pickup line might work at the club, but you picked the wrong peach cobbler baklava today, my friend.

"Now I know it wasn't me. There's no way, sorry."
"Oh yeah," he says, smug, "and how is that?"
and I look him dead in the eye and say, "because I never go out."

BAM. AND WHAT, BAMA??
SAY WHAT AGAIN.

=D

So, to recap, since I know this was all over the board:
1. I missed my best friend, and I'm greatful to the Gods that I saw him today.
2. Speaking of "Gods," today for lunch we were supposed to have Chipotle, and they took our orders at 11:20am, my lunch starts at 11:30 am, and they didn't show up until I prayed, "Dear Hindu God: Please forgive me for killing the cow I am about to eat in my burrito. Dear Mother Earth: Please forgive me for wrenching the lettuce I am about to eat on my burrito. Please let the burrito come. Please." And no sooner than girl co-worker 1 -who needs a name here besides something that sounds like a rolling credit- looked at me like I was crazy, than the girls walked up with our food. WHY I waited until 1:30 to pray I'll never know. Never again.
3. Girls are great to have as friends. They talk about shoes & jewelry, and try to set you up with boys who think you are cute.
4. Don't assume that everyone's a psycho just because they do all the other things psychos do. That's called projection. Give them a chance to prove their psycho all on their own.
5. I love my men.
6. When a 40-something State's Attorney decides to put you out there, it's because she likes you. Go with it. Just don't speak. In the end, she'll look crazy and you'll look fine. Even though you were speaking complex sentences when he had no bowel control. Go with it.
7. My men love me right back.
8. When I look nice, people ask me what happened. WTF? Is that a hint? Do I always look like shit? I wore a skirt one day, and Boyd told me that I'd get married if I wore skirts more often. "We like how you look in that. Wear skirts more." WTF. I told him "so I have to get a guy by wearing skirts and THEN get him to appreciate my brain?" "yes." WTF. No. Appreciate the brain. Screw the skirt. Well... later. What?
9. Don't freeze up when ignorant ass bamas try you. Look 'em dead in the eyes to let them know you're on to their lame game. Step it up, bamas.
10. Love yourself. The weirdest stuff happens when you do.

And yes, 2 & 8 weren't originally in the body of the post in any direct or indirect context and therefore not technically legal under the caption "recap" but that's where I stuck them, so get over it. And don't try to correct me with #4's useage of "their psycho" instead of "they're psycho." Here, "psycho" is being used in place of "psychosis," which makes "they're psychosis" incorrect.

And, for a complete non-sequitor (-er? oh well, whatever):
Yes, I am a border Nazi.

when english class fails

From nbc4.com:
"Body Recovered From Lake In Germantown
A body has been recovered from a lake in Germantown after someone drove a car into it."

Did someone drive the car into the body, or the lake? We assume that someone drove the car into the lake, and that the body that was recovered is that of the person who drove the car into the lake, but we're not supposed to assume. The sentence should be clear and not vague and ambiguous.

Seriously. When you're the news, you NEED to be grammatically correct.

Set the example. People use you to learn english. Teach them properly.

That is all.

b

and i realized I want that someday

I just saw Idina Menzel's '04 Tony acceptance speech, and I realized that that's what I want in my life. Look at her husband's reaction. That's exactly what I want.

b

The inner art of Self

I feel good.
Last night, in addition to talking to MSI and getting the whole PA ball rolling, which is really great... I got the phone call. The "save us, we need you" phone call.

It's nice to get that call.
And I'd actually do it, if my schedule allowed.

Which it doesn't.

But I've let go enough where I would do something with them if it did.
Which it doesn't.

So I won't. But it was nice to get the call anyways. And I agreed to meet with them face to face. Who knows, I might get a contact out of the non-deal.


Marc and MSI have been my saviours these past few days. Marc especially, because he keeps acting so shocked when I hit high notes, or sing the part to the Diva in the 5th element, and he keeps telling me I'm going to be on his record... and...

Tonight I'm sitting here, and it hits me. I need to get back to the things I've always wanted to do. They're who I am. I am my craft, and my craft is me.

Damnit, I've missed my craft. And I've never felt so proactive before, in terms of being settled. I don't have to be bitter... I looked at so much which is passing me by while I'm stuck in this depression and it's not getting anyone anywhere.

I love my life. Now. Not when I graduate, NOW. I've accomplished a ton, and I've been able to do it with minimum breakdowns. I'm happy NOW. Not because some guy likes me or doesn't like me, or because I measure up against some imaginary intangible standard that only changes depending on which cultural standards I'm adhering to at the moment.

I'm a good girl. And I'm working on the balance.

And it feels good.

Day 6 of the new attitude... had a minor setback where I felt myself going back to the pits of insecurity, but I pulled myself out of it by calling a friend for distraction. Ultimate goal: to be able to pull MYSELF out.

Day 06 of the new attitude: I'm still good.

it's time to accept it.

I'm either lactose intolerant, or I'm allergic to anything with "lean" in the title.

Every time I eat a leanpocket, I get sick.

b

Free Your Mind (and the rest will follow)

I spent the weekend in the Maryland mountains.
Learned alot. Mainly about myself. Had a stern speaking to by my brother which damn near turned my life around.

As a result, I'm free of alot of things.
Today.
I'm taking his words a day at a time, trying to relive his conversation, trying to keep it fresh so I never forget the feeling when the bomb dropped and the chip lifted
from my shoulders and

I let go.

I let go of all the father drama I've carried for years. I still mourn some stuff, but for the most part these tears are for the time I've lost hating a man that really didn't know any better.

I let go of feeling entitled to respect. Screw that. If you promise to do something with me, and you don't come through, and I put aside time for you, lesson learned for me and I'll just have a backup next time. I'm not worried about you.

I let go of my fear of emotions and men. So long as I'm right with Baha'u'llah, everything's going to work out the way it's supposed to. I live my life. Best way that I know how. You either fit in, or you don't. Put your Faith in God. God will not let you down. Worrying about man will get you nowhere.

This is very freeing.

Mainly the dad stuff. He and I came a LONG way this weekend.
=)

I felt like... I owe it to the folks without the opportunity to make the most of mine. And he really doesn't know any better. He is what he is, he's not gonna change, and it is what it is as a result. No amount of wishing it was different is going to make it so.

And he really does try, I was just so wrapped up in bitterness and hate that I couldn't recognize what he was trying to do. In addition to the fact that his methods make no sense, but whatever. He told me some stuff that shocked the crap out of me. We made our peace. At least, I made mine.

Funny thing is, I was at a conference. I guess I needed to go there in order to have everything else happen. In an everything-in-the-universe-is-related-and-there-are-no-coincidences way, I guess that's why none of my friends (and potential friends) came. While they each had personal reasons, I think they missed it so that I'd be forced to have that time with my dad and not pull my friends as an excuse to be busy.

Maybe that's why the universe & I chose this time for me to be alone. So I can work more on myself before I try to bring someone else into my mess.

I'm housecleaning.

Man, prayer's something. Lemme tell you that.
Prayer is definetly something.

b

insecure isolation

My priorities are all out of whack.

I think every artist goes through a period of time where they're insecure about their craft, themselves in their craft and their talent.

Mine has lasted over a month.

All I can think about is how much I suck. I suck at everything I want to do, and I'm not talented, and how I know nothing.

I really don't know anything about anything.

I hope I grow out of this, cause it sucks to be in suckworld so far.

And now I have to leave and suck in front of kids and grown ups. Seriously... no amount of prayer is going to get me through this. I hate myself.

I'm going to finish the job I started; dig a hole and stay underground.

I just have to get through this weekend first.

b

Within a year?

Hrm. I might accept that. I'd like to think of myself as ready for love (or at least extreme like) again, but with my upcoming schedule, it wouldnt be fair to one. Unless he was willing to put up with someone he knows likes him and only him, who can give him the security of being loved (albeit from afar) and the space cause she's got other things to do. If he's secure enough to handle that, and still be supportive, send him my way.

And I do leave the house. Just not often. And internet dating is interesting, but scary. Very scary still. Not really any different from a blind date or a personals ad, but I don't think I'll need that. I'm sure I'll be just fine. Just need to get some stuff done first.

b

You'll Find a Boyfriend Within a Year

Either you're not ready for a relationship... Or you're not quite ready to leave the house You can't meet a guy from your couch So at least consider meeting one from your computer!

When Will You Meet Your Next Boyfriend?

Dear God...

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

karma's a bitch

so all that talk about how cute I look bit me in the ass.

One of the girls at work is a puller, and pulled at least three people (her sister is 4 days early, and a coworker and myself are bothin shifting, and ended up shifting to the same day) to her schedule.

Therefore, whereas before I would be slim and happy and dance-ready, now I'll be bloated and miserable and in pain and have no energy.

Luckily the dress will still look good, and thankfully I'm wearing the dress that dances on its own.

In other, less important news, my myspace acct was inexplicably deleted. Don't know why. Nothing bad on there. < shrugs >

Oh well. Next thing.

b

stop encouraging me!

so my boss & my coworkeer want me to wear the va-voom killer dress instead of the hotmama dress to the wedding. Now I think that's just mean. And THEN, yesterday, one of the ladies in my comunity gave my black lace you know whats to wear to the wedding. Mom & I fell out, because she gave one pair to mom, and the other pair to me and was like "you're both single women! dont people find others at weddings?? go! have fun!"

We're still in shock. It's like the equivalent of your great-gram mgiving you a thong or a condom or something & saying "have fun!" Like anyone's gonna see that! But she's like YOU know it's there and I'm still about to die.

It's like people WANT me to be the bad girl. I'm NOT the bad girl! I'm the one that everyone expects to be a lil bit naughty. But I'm only that way with people I LIKE... like my bfs or whatever, that's not for the general public! Omg.

Still about to die. And still mad at the boss & my lil bro for wanting me wo go va-voom.

it was twenty(five) years ago today

John Walsh & his wife are at the White House today to be present for when the President signs the Adam Walsh Bill into law. For those who don't know, John Walsh is the face of America's Most Wanted, and The Center for Missing and Exploited Children. His son, Adam was abducted 25 years ago from a shopping mall, and a few days later his severed head was found within miles of the area where he went missing. His body has yet to be found, and no one has been implicated in the case.

John Walsh dedicated his life to the prevention of such horrors occuring, and became an advocate for the child sex offender registry. The proposed Bill being signed into effect today, the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act, legalizes a National Sex Offender registry.

Finally. It's a great step in the right direction.

For other news, check out the Post's article, found here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/07/25/AR2006072501590.html

b

shopping, invites, spending money, and the stuff you know what i mean

shopping & spending money:
I dropped 75$ in one place yesterday.
BUT, lemme tell you what I got for that 75$:
a. 5 pairs of shoes, 3 for mom, 1 gorgeous pair of boots with tread (just the way I like them) and another pair of heels for work
b. a *gorgeous* light cream/peach number that's PERFECT for a jazz character, or a 50's dinner party. All I have to do is shorten the straps.
c. an "if dresses could kill" dress. If they're gonna hate me at the wedding in the short brown number, they'll want to kill me in this dress... It's black satin, with a thigh high slit, and a strappy back that you have to get woven into to hold th esides together. I've never seen anything like it, and when I put it on, I felt like I was a femme fatale in a Bond flick. Huh, got the bond-girl bathing suit, now I've got the femme fatale evening dress... Is life trying to tell me something? Eat your heart out, world. I'm telling you, it's like it was *made* for me, even down to the nonexistent cleavage. So I own it, have no reason to wear it, and will most likely never wear it outside of my house. But I'm going to put it on right after I finish this blog & feel GOOOOOOOOD.
d. A new pair of grey pants (because apparently I can never have enough, but they're dark grey (new move for me) and they're L.E.I., which everyone (mom) has caught on that I love)
e. a solid red sheath dress that's good for work
f. cup insterts to sew into the hot mama dress
g. this dress is funky and kinda hard to describe. it's black with orangish print flowers on it, comes to my thigh, deep cut wrap front... and... it's got long sleeves that split at the shoulder and rejoin at the cuff. Okay, maybe it wasn't that hard to explain. It would look really cute with thigh high boots. Don't have any, but I know where the pair I want is on the internet. Now, if I can just convince myself to spend 50$ on boots...
h. a cream, off-white summery, flowery dress. It's cute. red & peach flowers, green leaves, teeny red lace trim. cute. not me, but a nice summery, colorful change. One can't be goth year-round, and now that I've discovered the sun, I kinda like it. Plus, I like updating my wardrobe on occasion with fresh stuff. Especially fresh stuff that only cost me 3$.
i. a new total me shirt. it's sleeveless, stretchy, black with purple and cream stripy print... and it has the stringy things that come out from the shoulder. Can't say for sure how annoying those will get, but it's total me as I can just throw it on top of basic black pants for a look thats instantly pulled together & go. No wondering about shoes or accessories. Perfect. Basic clubwear backup too. I'm tired of wearing the same stuff. Everyone's seen my clubwear. I have three shirts I alternate between, and I'm pretty sure I've been photographed in all three now, so I need new stuff.
j. a lace square mom wanted for under the picture of Abdul-Baha
k. a square of some fabric mom wanted for some reason known to her and not me.

Sidebar: I just put on the dress. I feel like all the lights went out, I'm a lounge singer, there's a piano calling for me to lay on it & sing "Sooner or Later." If you have no idea what song that is, rent Dick Tracy. OOOh, forgot to tell you. It has a train, too. Not too long, but at first I thought it was trailing on the ground because I was short and had no heels on in the fitting room, but the front's fine. It's got a train. *sigh*.

So I kinda got a taste of what the phrase "retail therapy" means. Only, I think the people who suffer the most from that affliction are those who drop 200$ and walk out with only one item of clothing, so I'm good. Besides, I only go crazy shopping once a year or every 6 months, and if I need something, I usually go in for that one item & walk out with that one item, so I'm good. Plus, I have a rule where I get rid of something for ever article I purchase new (unless it's a costume, which the peachy 50's dress is).

Invites:
Got invited to go out friday night. I think hell has frozen over, but now I have clothes to wear out, so we'll see. then today GetontheBus asked me to go out friday, so we'll see.

The stuff you wanted to know about:
Day one: Was nervous, he said I did good, so I'm good.
Day two: Surreal. Just... surreal.

And yes, I'm still wearing the dress.

Oh, there's quotes of the day too, but they're about spermbanks and they're too funny to put here. But they were funny.

b

being alone, out with the old, and reclaiming lost loves.

being alone:
I woke up and half the day was already gone. it was 1 something in the afternoon, and I'd missed the opportunity to get much of what I wanted done. Then among mom's first words to me are "you should go downstairs & do some tae bo."

How many last straws must I endure before she lays off of my body?

So I fire back with "have you seen my body?!?"
Which, of course offends her and now we're not talking.

Other list of people I'm not talking to: my friends. Sure, I'm down to two now anyways, but I really had to think about it. I had a disagreement with one that ended in silence, and granted the silence is being extended on my side, bue I'm continuing it for my own reasons which I'll get into after I get through why I'm not talking to the other one (and by "not talking to" I dont mean "complete silence," I mean "not in the same way/capacity"). He instigates. I didn't realize how easily I fall prey to his instigation until last night or two nights ago when I let slide that things had changed between myself and the other friend (keep yer yap shut, banafsheh) and within minutes it had been blown completely out of proportion and assumptions were being made that had nothing to do with why I was upset in the first place. One of those "not-the-point-but-the-principle" deals.



So I examined my life today and my friends and how I fit into the grand scheme of social circles and realized that I (yet again) give too much t=stock into what people say. I mean, who gives a rat's ass? If I'm not getting along with someone, or if I choose to spend some alone time from someone for whatever personal reason I've got, it's not your business. Not only that, but who are you to turn it into stuff it's not by assumption? So I decided to have formal friendships and relationships with the both of them until I can sort out how to handle myself.

It just bugs me that being single has just as much drama, it seems, even more, than being in a relationship. At least in being in a relationship, you only had drama with one other person. Being single seems to be much more complicated. When I was first alone, the pendulum swung in such a dramatic way, I didn't care about anyone, I didnt care what anyone thought and I didn't feel like dealing with anyone's shit.

Now I think the pendulum's swung back without me managing to find the balance. I care too much what people think, and I keep seeking approval.

Fuck other people. I'm going to get my stuff done. And If I'm alone, so be it. So stop trying to get me with someone, stop asking me "so, how are you and so-and-so doing?" because it's a bullshit question and I'm not going to answer it seriously anymore. Prepare for "he died. thanks for your concern. funeral's wednesday."

There's a difference between DEpendance, INdependance and INTERdependance. I've been the first, truck my way to the second and crave the third.

Which is why I've given up on the third. I'd settle for the second but Humans are inherently social beings and I don't want to die without having human compassion and love bestowed upon me. So I'll do like I said I would & adopt kids. I'm too awkward & rambly around people I like and I hold people I love to standards higher than people I don't. So I'll never be satisfied.

Fine.

out with the old:
I'm going through my closet & dumping out everything I havent ever worn, or haven't worn in a long time. I'm tired of my life being a mess. The whole deal behind being single was to get my life in order, damnit. fine job I've done of that.

reclaiming lost loves:
I'm turning myself off to romance and relationships. Everything I've got and will have will be strictly plutonic unless the male in the situation says "I'd like to pursue something with you." Which I will attend on a case-by-case basis. The fact that no one likes me at this point makes this easy. It provides me with the ability to return to my long lost love: the stage. I've started to look at bilaws again. I've started scouting real estate again. I'm talking to folks who can get stuff in motion. Hpoefully by this time next year, I'll have a company. My idea of life isn't yours, world. I've known I'm going to be alone in this. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can stop wasting time and emotion on people who aren't going to understand what I mean anyway. Oddly, I'm happy. =)

b

of course it is

lesson learned:
I'm the kind of person who has to talk out my problems. It helps when I talk it out with other people, cause sometimes they give me perspective on whatever it is I'm dealing with.

Anyways, the lesson begins when exbest came back into my life, and told me that he and his gf (who i used to be friends with until he told me she was spreading a rumor about me) broke up.

So I told my bf. Who then had lunch with the ex gf, and told her I told him.
Which brings back all these horrible memories I have of her/with her, along with the accusations which won't die & got resurrected by one of her friends in January. Anyways so now I'm bracing for the rumor of how happy i am that they broke up cause now i can make my move on him or something.

Which doesn't make me feel good because he and I have been talking about going to WVA to a cabin lately. Which isn't going to happen, but is a nice thought. Since he came back into my life immediately post-breakup which made me question how it was that he was magically free to be my friend again, and not only that but was so eager to hang out which is what I confided in my bf in the first place.

So, lesson learned #1:
Keep yer yap shut. Had I not spread the business in the first place, I wouldn't have to be worrying about all that.

There's no #2 lesson learned, it's number one as in PRIMO.


Sidebar: I'm glad GH brought the H back.

So yeah. Def. Keep yer yap shut.

The last time I did something selfless for her, I got burned, bad. I've had my guard up ever since when it comes to her, and I always will.

the hypocritcic oath

Truth
Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
And the truth shall set you free

But my favourite:

Truth is the foundation of all virtues.

I said that sunday to *'s nephew... along with this longass lecture (which I'm sure he'd heard a gadzillion times) about how he shouldn't have strayed from his mom at the festival. But the part that got me riled wa the part where a policeman asked for his name since he fit the description of a missing child, and he lied & said some other name. So my part of the lecture was mainly about how the man trusted him to tell the truth, and that because he didn't so many police officers were deployed to find him, and his family is still going crazy, when he could have ended the search much sooner.

Driving home it hit me. I felt like a total hypocrite, cause I hadn't told my mom about the summer classes. I've got to do that, soon. And the truth, not the cover half truth I was preparing.

sigh.

b

validate me

a mom just walked in to turn some paperwork in for her daughter who'll be participating in the arts camp next week.

she recognized me, and started telling me stories about her daughter's attitude towards theater and people who dont get their acts together... And I couldnt help feeling proud, and we ended up having a 45 min discussion about her daughter's future and how to get into different groups & stuff...

I feel good, and her mom basically gave me some credit for working with her daughter.

=D

I feel good!

b

big boy

so there's a guy that works here
and he's HUGE
so huge that he's perpetually in a state of perspiration
now, he has a habit of taking the community keys
there's only one set
and it's on a lanyard
and instead of keeping them in his pocket, or RETURNING THEM like he's supposed to
he keeps them around his neck
and when i saw that
and the sweat rolling off of him
i just want to wash the keys
and not touch them
i'm SO GROSSED OUT


I mean, I think that's a little rude... Like you know you have a problem... you KNOW you have a problem because you have knee problems due to your weight. And I'm not being insensitive to that. What I dont understand is you, perspiring like someone turned on a sub-cutaneous sprinkler & walked away, and then using the ONLY SET OF KEYS as a headband.

That's gross.

I'm going to hell.

b

dinner?

So I'm walking in to work to get the key that unclocks my side when I see a guy who used to work thursday nights with me. Now he's on saturdays. He's prolly in his 50s, he's got to be in his 50s, and he hits me with "we were supposed to have dinner"

what?

and he's like "did you forget?" and i'm walking away like "i must have" and he's like "well consider this your reminder"

and all that is running through my head is besu's comment yesterday,

"man, how do you keep getting all these lame-ass dudes?"

it's true. I get lame-ass dudes. Now, fing is, you dont always know about people. But then, then open their mouths, like these dudes. You're 50! And yesterday, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP.

what kind of deslusion have you wrapped yourself into?

GROSS!

b

rubbing, hot mamas, mamas, haters, dad, and being alone

Rubbing:
Last night was a really good concert. Not that I was there, cause I had to work. But Besu and Noel went out last night. I bet they had fun, and I'm kinda glad that no one's rubbed it in that I wasn't there. Doubt they will, and I love them for it, though I'm dying to know how the concert was. I'm sure one of the two of them will fill me in.

Hot mamas, mamas and haters:
Mom (my personal dresser) and I have been debating as to what to wear to my cousin's wedding at the end of this month. She went into my closet & was looking at all these long, black dresses, which I've worn already (not the issue) but don't particularly care for in the spirit of the even (the issue). It's a summer afternoon wedding! Can we break out of black? Long black dresses? Dark colors? Can we get some light blues, some tealength dresses, some chiffon? She brings back a two-piece LONG bridesmaid dress that is at least not black, but still isn't on the vein of the summer, flirty piece I was trying to get her to envision. I mean, I'm 25. Everyone else my age wears fun, flirty stuff, and I dress like a 40 year old. On the fourth of July, I saw the dress my "cousin" is going to wear, and I made a show to my mom about how that dress is *precicely* the type I was talking about.

Last night, mom delivered. She went shopping and bought a skirt and two dresses. The skirt's a keeper, and one of the dresses is HOT MAMA. It's EXACTLY what I was looking for. It's brown, which although it's not exactly the summery fresh color I was thinking of, is still my favourite color and I plan on ROCKING IT. Mom said that the summer blues and yellows against my skin would wash me out, and she's (of course) right. The woman knows her sh*t. I trust her fashion sense. So I put on the brown dress, and my skin tone looks darker.

Yes.

It's a halter top, with a ruched (sp?) torso and three-tiered ruffled skirt. I am in love with this dress. It's flirty, and fun, and makes me feel young. Mom says it needs neutral-toned shoes (as I'm looking up brown matching strappy heels). When I asked why (cause I have my heart set on these brownish bronze faux snakeskin strappy sandals from Vic Secret) she said because anything else will detract from the dress and then all I'd hear for the event would be "ooh, cute shoes."

Then she listed off all the people who are going to hate me for wearing the dress. You know what? Fuck 'em. I look good, damnit. I'm tired of having to watch what I wear because everyone else hates that I look good. Can _I_ enjoy my body for the next five years before it all goes south? Damn! I have limited time. I'm gonna enjoy it. I can't help that this looks good in that dress. Haters.

The anticlimactic addendum to the hotmama dress is the mama dress. As in I look like a mother who is trying to keep with the trends in that dress. It has the little fold top and then it's shorter in the front than it is in the back. It's got the swooshy design on the outer mesh with the puff paint and the swilrs... It's a good salsa dress, but I'll pass. Why?

CAUSE I'M WEARING THE HOTMAMA DRESS, BABY!!

That said, I need to do more pushups and run some more. Cause SO much skin is being showed, and I wanna have decent guns, and better looking legs, since I'm going to be showing much of my legs off.

Dad:

Dad called last night. He wanted to know if I was really going to Dayspring this year (I am) because he's going. Then he let me know that he's not staying on campus because he's "spoiled in his ways" since he's used to hotels and refuses to sleep on a cot. Then he asked me the REAL reason he called. He asked if OhioH was coming. I said he wasn't. Dad's got his hopes up.

Sigh. I almost wish I hadn't told him, but he's so happy. I'll let him live in his world.

Being alone:
Besu's last performance with Sugoi is tonight. Now I'm going, and as a matter of fact I split my outfit today in half, the top part is for day, since no one sees the bottom part anyways from sitting at the counter, and the bottom part is the night, with the strappy heels. I took my lowcut shirt for the concert tonight & my makeup bag, and I'll change at job3 when I leave. But I don't want to go to Besu's concert alone, and Noel has to work tonight. So he's not going, and there went the pool for people I do things with. I really don't want to go by myself. I dunno, it's not appealing to me to be surrounded by people I don't know, who'll be drinking, and not have someone I can talk to that I trust. But Besu's cousin will be there, and I've at least met him before, so I should be good. Besides, it's all for Besu, anyways, and if I have to sacrifice a lil comfort in favor of his last performance I guess I should have brought another shirt to wear tonight instead of the good one.

b

it's the little things

Yesterday, a man bowed in thanks to me.
It shocked me so, but it was so sincere & sweet that it had me grinning for the rest of the day.

The next little thing needs some setup:
At work, when people come in to check in for their hearings, I give them a clipboard of information & pen to fill out. I'm in one window, and they're supposed to return it to another window when they're done. Normally, people return the whole thing (minus one pen) to Window #5 like they're supposed to, but this guy took the paperwork over to window 5 & brought the clipboard & pen back to me.

I dunno why that struck me as out of the ordinary... well, because it was, but it was nice, and different.

=)

i swear, it's the little things that get me through the day.

b

camping, the city slicker way

I want to go camping, like really "roughing it" camping.

But, I know my idea of camping, as I told my survivalist friend last night is "show up, pitch a tent, eat, sleep, wake up, take the tent down & go home."

Not so, as I'm finding out thanks to google (and the survivalist friend).

Funny thing is, last night I was chatting with the oldbestfriend, and the statement/point I was *trying* to make was:

I want to start up the rock climbing thing again because I want to go camping, and incase there are rock faces there, I want to be able to scale them, and do more in the experience.

Didn't really get that out, because I got as far as "I want to start up rock climbing because I want to go camping" and he jumped on the idea of camping. Now, keep in mind that for an hour before this I've been getting used to the idea that I'm going to have to dig a hole in the ground to use as a latrine, and learn how to clean a fish and all this sort of stuff, and I'm convincing myself that I'm gonna like the great outdoor, poison ivy, oak, mosquitoes, gnats & all. But when I get out the "I want to go camping," he jumps on that like "ooh, my co-worker has a cabin in west virgina, and we can go atv," etc... and I'm like, wow. I sound like that. "camping" means "a/c surrounded by the outdoors, but not really outdoors."

That must be what I sound like to the survivalist.

BUT the oldbestfriend has a 3 person tent... which I want to borrow for my first excursion. I get that camping involves material cost, but I'm trying to minimize it
as much as possible... I don't want to buy a one person tent if I'm going to go with my friends in the future, and I don't want to buy a tent at all if I'm going to hate the experience and never do it again.

Besides, the one person tents... they look cool, but I'm not a survivalist. I don't do things alone. I want 5 people in a 3 person tent, damnit. People don't go camping to be alone, do they? Maybe some of them... but I go camping for the fire, and the stories, and the guitar, and the songs... the communal communing with nature. This individual stuff... man, forget that. I can imagine it now, I'm alone in my tent, and a curious racoon comes up to see what this thing is that has blocked his normal path, and I hear some clawing and sniffing at my tent, and I freak out, and let out a scream so lound that the ranger won't need a map to find me. Just follow the sound like a beacon. Siren that I'll be.

So I'll borrow the 3 person tent from oldbest and sleep in the middle. I wanna do a trial run with some friends... go to the forest, and camp the way I know, pitch a tent, start a fire, eat, make a smore, go to bed, wake up the next day & go home.

I think more than one person can sleep in a tent, I mean, you're not sleeping together, per se... Each individual has their own sleeping bag... I just don't like the idea of having to sleep by myself in the middle of the woods. I'd rather have someone in the tent with me. That's all.

So we'll go camping as a trial run. I'll borrow the tent & see who wants to go.

b

oh, so now we're friends again?

old best friend is talking to me again...
I still haven't forgiven him in a way, so there's this space... but still, he's telling me about how he and the female exbestfriend are on a break now, and i'm like... are you only talking to me because you're allowed to now that you're not seeing her?

now he's got jury duty and stuff, and i'm telling him the ins & outs of where to park so he wont get a ticket and he's like, "let's do lunch, i miss hanging out with you."

That has such a great capacity to piss me off, and I'm really fighting it. I mean, you can only be friends with one of us at a time? Granted, she hates me, so he made the right choice, but... Don't be all "i miss you!" when it's really "hey! i can hang out with you again!"

aurgh.

either way, I'm keeping my distance. I'm still not really over it.

it's like he's liberated & he wants things to go back to the way they were.

Well I haven't cooked for a man in a long time.
And I may still not cook for a man.

b

i guess i'll read the news

So at the new position, I can't listen to music or watch youtube or do any of the things I used to do when I had a desk that wasn't frequented by members of the public.

*sigh*

So I'm sitting around chatting on gmail, since I refuse to go on myspace today (did I type "today"? I mean for right now), wondering what website I'm going to surf to pass the time. Besides this one, I settled on:

The News.

I'm so wrapped up in my own world, it's about time I paid attention to the outside. I've been avoiding it on purpose, cause it's too depressing, and I still won't watch the news on TV, but I think reading it allows me to digest what's going on on my own time.

So now I'll actually know what's going on in the world. Broaden my horizons some. Who'dve thunk it?

Maybe I'll work on my plays some, work on my designs for the theater some, look up some plays and get 5 years of seasons going.

Maybe I'll start my life.

Wow, when you're not distracted by mindless crap, you actually get stuff done.

Damn.

b

i don't want to work, i just want to bang on the drums all day

Last night I went over Boyd's to do the voice over.

Every time I go over there, he lets me play on his drumset. Last night, he put in the instructional dvd, and wouldn't you know, I'm a fast learner.

It started when I told Boyd to teach me the guitar. Then somehow the instructional drum dvd came out, and we started watching that, then it got to the tv next to the drum set, then I'm playing along, learning the drums.

I love it. There were some rythms that I was cursing the guy out, but for the most part, I got it, and I just need practice. There's this one beat I can't get yet, but I'm gonna work it out. Watch out world!

I wouldn't say I'm good, I wouldn't say I'm halfway decent, but Boyd said I picked up much faster than he did, and he doesn't BS so I'm glad.

HA! I'm a drummer!

b

pregnancy

This morning on the radio, a gentleman X-ray tech called in re a girl who came in with abdominal pain. Since they dont xray pregnant people, they did a pregnancy test on her first. This didn't shock me, since they did that to me as well when I was 11-13 when I went in for abdominal pain, and they usually don't believe the kid no matter what, especially if the parent is there.

Turns out the kid was pregnant.

How can you be 11 and pregnant? That's what the abdominal pain was coming from.

How can you be 11 and pregnant? You're freaking eleven! What are you doing... freaking? Go ride a bike, not a person!

Omg, the decline of civilisation.

Get religion, people.

b

Quote taken from
http://movies.msn.com/movies/article.aspx?news=227012>1=7701

"Sales in 2005 allowed the chamber to donate $13,000 to the Preston School District Education Foundation, plunk $25,000 into its annual Festival of Lights event Thanksgiving weekend and pay for this year's festival."

Interesting. 13k to school, 25k (a teacher's salary in a year) to the festival of lights. Seems to me it should be the other way around. Skimp on the lights, and buy the kids some damn books and microscopes! HOW CAN YOU NOT GIVE MORE MONEY TO SCHOOLS???

What is wrong with freaking America?

b

i always pick the winner

Brava, Italia!

Funny how I always pick the winner, eh?
Or how the players I like are usually the best...

Brava, Italia!

testing, is the mic on?

I got called back from the company I did the software commercial for to do another one. This one's a voiceover... and the meeting is today where I find out what's expected, and I might even knock out the voiceover at the meeting.

=D

I'm so thrilled!

Between the new partnership, these gigs with this company and my dream theater...
My life is awesome!

b

the new project

Met Msi last night and we discussed her project. She wants me to partner with her in a movie making company. Then I found out she only has an associate's degree. I've got one of those. Now I'm thinking, here's someone who does what she wants, and she doesn't have a bachelors. Damnit, what am I doing with my life?

So, I'm going into the partnership with her. She wants to start a test video, so I told her to map out the song she wants in terms of scenes. She's got a week to do that, and then we'll look at resoures to make it work. Basically we'll go to local bands and make their music videos to start the company up, and then we'll work on our projects and start putting stuff into festivals.

So, I'm THRILLED to death to be working again. I went & printed out my startup stuff for the theaters, and am gonna try to talk to her about what kind of partnership she wants, and try to find some good contracts, that way we've got ourselves protected.

I want to clear out some space & start making folders to get everything organized...

I'm in business, and I couldnt be happier. It's stuff I understand. If I take a class, it'll be to directly apply this to my life.

Damn, it feels good!

b

secret longings

I dont want to go to school anymore.
I want to take my money & directly apply it to my life.
I *know* I'd be successful.
It's in my heart, it's in my soul, it's my recurring dream, and I keep putting it aside for duty.

And promises.

And I feel myself dying inside, because ALL I WANT TO DO in LIFE is have this theater.

I feel like I'm not living my life... that I'm being lived as opposed to living, which is precicely what I promised myself I'd stop doing a year ago.

Yet here I am, stuck in a rut, unhappy because I let go of the thing that made me happy in favor of other people's happiness and rules as to what life is, and hwo to live it. And I'm here, 25, an out of work actor when I used to get work ALL the time, out of the game, out of the industry, depressed because I'm not getting anything done.

*Sigh*

So I want to take a year off from school. Hell, maybe take two years off. Start work, start my theater, pay off what loans I've got, and start fresh. That's what I want to do.

Will I?

Of course not.

But GOD, it's a glorious dream.

b

the v is for victim

So I got into an accident in the rain that was my fault by law and not that much my fault by nature of the fact that the car in front of me slammed on her brakes in the middle of a storm and i slammed on mine & skidded into her.

We agreed to fix any damage to her car from the accident, and she mentioned she was in two prior hit & runs, thus saying "you are not getting away from me, i will not be taken advantage of again," which is fine and understandable. Doesn't make it right, but it's understandable.

We said we'd get her bumper (which has no external visible damage) fixed. She called and said she wanted it replaced, for 700$. In addition to that, she's like, "well, who is paying for the rental car while mine is in the shop?"

This is the point where we fully understand that she plans to milk this for what it's worth. Since we tried to handle it outside of the insurance company for fear of the rates being raised. But then mom says, "no insurance company would say to replace it with a new one. They'd say to get it fixed. The insurance company wouldnt let her get away with this much. But that's okay, she'll get hers one day."

And then I snapped. I'm tired of running and letting people run my life for fear of something else. I'd rather pay 100$ extra for the next 30 years than let this lady control my life for a bumper to a car that sustained NO obvious cosmetic damage when MY car's driver side bumper is all smushed in, my hood's lifting from air drag and my driver side headlight is about to cave inside the cavity. There's not even a scratch on her bumper, nor is there a paint mark. Yet, she's somehow justified in a brand new one, and probably wants to make me pay for whatever damage was sustained in her previous accidents. "Here's someone who doesnt want to go through the insurance company. she must be hiding something, so I'll get what I want."

No.

You had a chance to be a decent human being. just get it fixed, and go on about your life. But you want me to pay for a new one, and for the rental car while it's in the shop, and for your pain and suffering since you decided to take off work the next day over a fender bender that busted me up more than it did you.

No.

Now, you get nothing. I said, "well, if the insurance company won't let her do it, go through the insurance company then." She had her chance. She wanted everything, and now she get's nothing. They'll fix, and not replace, and give her 80% of a rental car through the process. So my rate will go up. I didn't have to have her call me every hour with a new demand. And then she's like her bumper is completely smashed in. No, it's not, never was, and I've got the pictures to prove it.

I'm sick of sitting down and letting people friggin take advantage of me.
Everytime something bothers me, I sit there and I take it.

So it felt really good saying I'm not going to let someone get away with stressing me out just to save a few hundred dollars. I'm tired of living in fear of what other people are going to do, or say.

Ironic, huh? I'm the girl people think couldnt care a flying f*ck about other people, who does what she wants, etc, the strong one, etc... Funny, huh? I'm the scared one who says and does nothing for fear of rocking the status quo.

I used to be so different.

Not anymore.

I want the V to go from Victim to Victory, and I'm gonna do it, damnit.

b

hilarious

so
Boyd just called me.
He wants me to do another voice over.
Paid.

I swear, the man has perfect timing with when he calls me, or sees me.

That, and God is the most awesome Father ever.
I really appreciate this, God. It's like my little ray of sunshine in the storm.
I'm almost happy right now!

b

love

Steprapper keeps trying to convince me i'm in love with OhioH.
Just because he has the ability to make my day simply by calling me.

Whatever. What kind of ish is that?

b

accidents

so I was just in one.

I'm running the end of my rope.
What do you want from me?

So Steprapper sent me an ecard, cause it had a cat on it thinking that was going to make me smile... but the accompanying song was Sister Hazel, It's Hard for Me to Say... whose chorus goes:

It's hard to say what it is
I see in you.
Wonder if i'll always be with you.
Words can't say it,
I can't do
Enough to prove
It's all for you.

To which I, happening to be on the phone with him at the time, asked him what was up with that, and he said he saw the title said "All for you" and thought it was a Janet Jackson song.

THAT made me laugh.
Almost.

Too depressed to laugh too hard.

I think I'm bad luck.
That's it. I'm bad luck.

selfish about something

I wake up to my mom saying,
"I have it too, and I'm taking your antibiotics"
Now... I don't mind sharing my cough syrup... but the antibiotics... Isn't that unfair? I mean, how can I get better completely if I haven't got those?

I feel selfish.
=(

b

smashing my head in the fridge

one of, if not *the* singular most important thing (s) has to be:
communication.

lack of it is one of the things that broke my parents up
lack of it is what broke me and 1stlove up
lack of it is BAD...

so we're moving the new fridge downstairs and we're trying to set it up and it's inches away from the wall... so since i'm the smallest i have to go fix something in the back so mom tilts it up, and then i go behind it and then it starts moving.

this is a time for communication

so i rush out all freaked, cause I didnt know what was going on and she's like "well, i can't hold it forever" and i'm like "a heads up would be nice!"
So I almost had my head smashed between the wall and the fridge three times. And Each time could completely have been avoidable, had someone spoken up.

and then it's not even... the floor isnt even so it's lopsided and we (I) go to put a plank under the fridge... this I find out after she goes "one, two" and starts to lift the fridge... and i'm like what are you doing and THEN she tells me the plan.

Don't arbitrarily start counting while lifting heavy stuff and NOT tell me I'm supposed to do something. If you do, you're not allowed to be pissed when I forget to read your mind and prepare.

In other news, there's a hornet's nest or some other such insect outside. I dont know which insect, cause I didn't see them, and I cant much tell the difference anyway. So mom comes in looking for spray, which we don't have and grabs:

starch.

so i ask her what that's gonna do, and she's like "i'll kill them from the fumes."
Yes. Because glucose polysaccharides are exactly what repels insects. No insects at all are interested in SUGAR. So I hand her some forest bug spray & tell her to try that. How do you get rid of a nest?

Sigh.

b

compliments, cherries, superman & the fourth of july

compliments:
so I'm hoarse with the bronchitis friday... my voice takes a while to start up, but once it gets going it's fine... and I call the choir director to 1. ask him if he's free July 09 and if he'll read the Tablet of Visitation at the Martyrdom of The Bab comemoration at our house if he is, and 2. tell him I've got the bronchitis & see if he still needs me to come to practice.

and he says "banafsheh, stay home! you are the exception to all the rules I put in the choir. You don't ever have to reaudition to get in and you'll catch up in five minutes. I'm not worried about you."

That made me feel good.

Cherries:
What I picked today. We went cherry picking, and when I wasn't cherry picking, I was sleeping, cause it took alot out of me. I liked it though, it's also the first time ever in my life I've felt safe on ladders. AND, we found out that mom doesn't have the cherry picking gene. I do. All her cherries sucked, but I kept finding all the good ones. YAY! I've found my calling, I'm gonna go be a migrant worker now. I'll be buff and tan, and I'll learn to spit.

Naw.

Superman:
I'm going to see it at some point tonight. I miss my friends. I'm glad StepRapper & I reconnected, and that he didnt choose sides during the whole uncomfortable email thing. I'm glad I can count on him as a friend. I'm just glad he's there to push me to be the kickass person I used to be instead of letting me do my current bit of wallowing in self pity. He keeps asking me questions like "so how are you and OhioH doing?" which keeps throwing me off cause... aren't those questions reserved for people in relationships who just had a big fight or something? Isn't that when you ask that? But I guess he's just trying to trick me into admitting I like the guy. Which I might. Whatever, I'm not falling for your tricks! I am a rock! I am an island!

The fourth of July:
I'm bored to death being stuck in the house, I didn't get to wear a bathing suit all summer, I'm not going to have the opportunity to do anything for the entire month of July and it hasnt even started yet, and DAMNIT GET ME OUT THE HOUSE. I already got over my fear of showing up to work tanned because 1. i got one cherry picking and 2. it's the fourth of july. if you REALLY expected me to be in the house... damn you for being insensitive. So I'm thinking day trip to a nearby beach. I get to wear a bathing suit, we'll have fireworks, and I'll see friends... at least whoever was free that day. And I'll lay in the sun and soak. up. the. rays.

mmmmmm.

We'll see what happens. I have options at this point, but as we all know by now, if banafsheh planned it, it's not gonna happen. Maybe this is why people keep trying to get me to be spontaneous... But I just... can't. Beach day trip is a sspontaneous as I can get and that's two days away. Work with me. I'm giving what I've got.

b

when men lie pt deux

Chapter one: The Court in the Green Castle

Once upon a time in a faraway land, with trees, and rivers, and deer, there lived a young maiden. She wasn't as beautiful as the Princesses of the land, and no courtier was courting her for she lived to the south, far from the court in the Green Castle, in a fortress for her family were guardians. While she may not have had the advantages of living in the court, her life in the south was not bad, for she learned hard work, and the value of friendship, honesty, trust, and loyalty. Although her friends were few, they were true.

One day, the court threw a ball in the midst of a planned three day celebration. It was time for feasting, and rejoicing and the giving of thanks. One of the Princesses had two courtiers, and all the invited people of the Kingdom were coming to see how things would play out between them. The maiden steered clear of both courtiers, but remained polite to everyone. Then that night one of the courtiers revealed the nature of his heart to her, and she listened, for she was a guardian, as he told her the lamentation of his true desire, to be with the Princess, and how he felt forsaken in favor of the other suitor. The next day, the other courtier approached the maiden and revealed the nature of his heart to her as well. She wondered why everyone chose to reveal to her, because she lived so far away from the castle and really had nothing to do with anything there, but perhaps this is why people chose to trust her, and after all, she *is* a guardian.

The courtier told her of his plan to woo the Princess, and that he realized that his wooing for the sake of potential was not as strong as the love of the broken hearted suitor, and had laid his claim aside in the favor of love. The Princess spoke to the maiden, and asked her opinion. The maiden was really confused, for three people (one of whom she'd never seen in her life before, for he was from a part of the land to the west, where no trees grow) were revealing their hearts to her. So she told the Princess as much as she could, not revealing what the courtiers had said, but reiterating that the one had been in love with her his entire life, and that it was not only obvious to all at court, but to those in her part of the forested fortress to the south as well. The Princess realized her true love, and they lived happily ever after.

Chapter two: The Pond

The courtier who gallantly laid his claim aside in favor of love began to call the maiden, immediately arousing suspicion in the fortress. But the maiden did not love the courtier, and so they remained friends. One day, the courtier was rejoicing in a nearby part of the kingdom when he invited the maiden to join him. This time, he told the maiden of a special pond in the land without trees where the animals could speak.

One day, the maiden followed the clues the courtier gave her, and made her way west, to the land without trees. It was very difficult for her, for she had lived in woods with lush greens and browns, where the horizon was a carpet for the sky, and the further she went, the less of her home she saw. Everything was flat, and one could see for miles across the landscape. There were hardly any trees. The land was appropriately named. Finally, she came to the special pond. It was beautiful. Like the desert oases she read about in books, she imagined she was at one now. It even had a fountain in the middle, circulating air to the fish who jumped and danced before the other animals. She had found them on a day of a great month-long festival, and was so caught up in the amazement, she missed the frog who was trying to get her attention. The frog knew many of the people there, and told her that he very much wanted her to meet his friend the turtle, who lived in his part of the pond, and that she could stay in their part of the pond during the entire festival. The frog decided that the maiden and the turtle should be as good friends as the frog was with everyone. But the maiden thought that the turtle was quiet, and didn't really like her. The frog visited her every day with stories about his day at the festival, but the turtle never did. In fact, the turtle didnt visit her at all, while the frong was there every day. So the maiden just assumed that he really didn't like her as much as the frog said he did. That was okay, and she still liked him for being a turtle, but she'd told herself a long time ago that she wouldn't let herself like anyone that didn't like her back so that was that. But she started to notice that the frog kept getting into all sorts of trouble, and the turtle didn't. But the frog always told her how kind she was, and the turtle didn't. And she liked to hear nice things, so she started listening to the frog, and told the frog all about how she missed how her old suitors used to bring flowers to her. The frog and the maiden became fast friends.

One day, she was sad, because it was nearly her turn to throw a fete for the festival, and she didn't know how. So the frog told her of a secret stash that only he knew about in the pond's bog beneath the birch tree. He told her it held lots of money, and that he could get it for her if she wanted. The frog told her that she was a very special person, and that he liked to help special people. One day when he visited he was very drunk and said some very honest things, but they agreed that they'd never talk about that again because the maiden was beginning to get very confused.

One day, the turtle finally came to visit. He had a lot to say, because he had taken a long time to cross from his side of the pond to where she was staying. She realized that she had been comparing the frog to the turtle, and she felt awful for doing that. She realized that the frog was always there because he could cover farther distances in one jump than the turtle could, and that the frog was always talking, but that the turtle took longer to say something because he was observing more, and that when he decided to say something it was usually more important.

One day the turtle came to visit, and she realized that it was very special because it must have taken him all day to cross to her side of the pond, and she paid close attention to what he had to say. She also learned that the turtle didn't visit her as often not because he didn't want to, but because he wasn't as able to as the frog seemed to be. Because he was a turtle, he took longer to decide things. He didnt jump ahead like his friend the frog, he watched, and gathered information before deciding who he could trust, and had decided that he could trust the maiden. So he told her about his secret stash in the bog beneath the birch tree, into which he placed one gold coin into whenever he could. Immediately, the maiden felt awful. This was the same stash that she almost used to fund her part of the fete! She was torn. How could she use the money as the frog's gift if the money was really the turtles'?

But the turtle had more. He'd brought her a present. A lily from the pond. It was beautiful, and she loved it very much. They sat on the bank of the pond and had a lovely conversation. And when it was almost time for the sun to set, the turtle set out for his home, so that he could get there in time before the moon came up. Once he was out of earshot, the frog bounded in. "You're welcome for your lily, maiden," the frog croaked. "But the turtle gave me the lily," responded the maiden, wondering why the frog said such a thing. "Only because I told him to. I knew how much you wanted them, so I had him get it for you."

Now the maiden was very confused. She liked the turtle, but if the turtle's gifts were truly sent from the frog, who was courting the maiden? Then one day, she decided to go home. She stopped by the turtle's house and invited him to visit her part of the kingdom whenever he liked. The frog bounded over, hurt, because he hadn't been invited, but the maiden wasn't courting the frog, and thought that in time the frog might be able to see that. On her way home, she realized that the frog was using the turtle as an excuse to keep her near the pond, because he... but she promised she would never speak of that again.

She was glad that the turtle accepted her invitation, and also knew that it would take him a long time to get there. But then she thought about the frog, and how the frog had offered her many a time to use his enchanted ring, which could take you anywhere you wanted to go, and had even said he would use it to visit her. She wished that the frog would let the turtle use the magic ring, so that he could visit sooner, but thought that if they were great friends, the frog would offer, and she wouldnt have to ask to use something that wasn't hers for someone else. but the frog never offered, and the maiden decided to wait for the turtle to do things his way, which was probably for the best. But, she thought, if you truly like helping people, why wouldnt you if you really could? So she wondered about the frog, and if what he said was true, or if he really did have a magic ring, or if he really did want the turtle and the maiden to be friends, or was that only so the maiden would be around the pond more so that the frog could visit her... But the turtle had given her hope that everything was going to be alright in the end, so she learned to put things from her mind, little by little.

And even though the turtle still doesn't say much, the maiden learned to appreciate him for being a turtle, and for being so wise. And she tried very hard not to doubt if he took a long time to get somewhere, because even though she didn't know it, he really was doing the best that he could.

And their story hasn't been written yet.

b

when men lie pt I

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that if you read any thing inside of quotation marks, it's not a direct quote.

There's a guy I know.
He took a chance one day & told me he liked me. I don't feel the same way about him.
That SHOULD have been the end.
But it wasn't.
He then sent me the longest emails I've ever seen. Personal feelings I didn't need to know about. It made me uncomfortable. I'd say so. He'd seem to get it, lay off, and then start back up.

I saw that he didn't get it.

It got bad... it got to the point where I was avoiding the internet for the inability to function after reading one of his emails. They were and are so stressful that I'd actually be affected enough not to properly function.

Then finally I had enough.

Three days ago, he sent an email saying that he would never email me again.
I was elated.
Yesterday, he sent another one.

So in the last two emails, he mentioned something like how I should look at why he manages to get under my skin, insinuating that perhaps I have some affection after all. He alluded to this twice. In the "last" email, and in the actual last email.

His lack of self control only supports my belief that he lies, and he has the BIGGEST EGO I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A PERSON.
He can't even tell me he's not going to email me again without renigging on it two days later. When I call him on his possessive stuff, he backs down and takes a day to change tactics.

I tell him he makes me uncomfortable, and that his "supportive" comments backfired because they make me uncomfortable.

BACK IN APRIL he said he was going to stop reading my blog. I actually believe that for a while, he did. But then, I took May off from the internet (because of him) and now we're in June, so his attention span must've run out or something because he read the post I wrote about the new guy sending me the text messages and how I thought they were cute because he sent me an instant message a few days later bright & early in the morning saying (this is a near if not direct quote) "Good morning sunchine! I know I'm copying the text messages, but I don't care. I'm in a good mood. Good morning Sunshine!"

This had to be the last straw. Even the TextMessageMan (heretofore known as TMM) only sent me TWO text messages. TWO. When I didn't respond, he STOPPED SENDING THEM. He tried, he tried again because maybe I didn't see the first one, or maybe alot of things, and when I didn't respond *again*, he STOPPED.

Good guy.

This guy... This guy is so wrapped up in his own ego, he doesn't even care about how what he does affects me. If he did, he wouldn't do them. I've told him that his comments have an adverse effect on me, and yet, there he is, lamenting again. Or asking me what others have that he hasn't. Well a sense of when to shut the fuck up, for one. I should not be the receiver of ANY of these emails! That's what your friends are for! But he goes on, "you met this guy and you agreed to marry him? well, I have a cute little sister! and my mom can knit, too!"

And it's not a competition because I still dont care!

It all started when I had this idea for a magazine. Stemming from that, I had an idea for a place where writers could work on their art... like an electronic version of what the Harlem Renaissance poets used to do. They used to build up works, tear down works, challenge the author's medium, purpose, voice... and we read their legacy to our children. He offered his services as a webmaster, and we got to work on the site. I named it for the magazine I eventually want it to become, nabbing the url before anyone else, and we discussed what it should do, and how it should be partitioned, or whatever it's called.

Point is, he wasn't helping me because he was believed in the idea. Maybe he did, to a small extent. What he was really doing was helping me so that he could get in with me, closer to me, etc. Feel better about himself because "look at what I do for her. She needs me."

That's fucking ego.
The "what's he got that I haven't" is ego, the "do you see me as just a programmer?" that's ego. The fact that he cant even STAY AWAY FROM ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT YOU DISTURB ME AND THAT I CANNOT BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU WITHOUT A BUFFER... is ego.

I'd expect if I told him that, he'd send me another email asking me to look into MYSELF about why that is. Oh wait, he already has.

Or that he sends emails (that I dont respond to) continuing a conversation that he's having with me in HIS HEAD since I am not participating in any way, and then sends me the responses (again, pages long) replying to things he either assumes I would have said, or believes me to have said. One such email begins, (quote) "You're right, I'm too clingy." I have NEVER said that to him. He sent me one-sided emails for about a month, continuing a conversation I never had. Ego. You don't know what I would say. Where do you get off, really?!

WTF? Who cares WHY you make me uncomfortable, YOU DO. End of story. Maybe it's that you keep coming to ME with all your troubles ABOUT ME. Who does that? Do you not have friends you can lament to? I tell you you make me uncomfortable, and you send me poems about what a poem to me would look like?

And you want me to look at MYSELF?

LOOK AT YOU!!!

You sign off emails "< name >, #1 fan, #15 guy"

Another sign of ego. You have no idea who my number one fan is. My number one fan wants what's best for ME. Not what's best for me as HE sees it, or himself being what's best for me. And don't assume you know where you are on the list. Yes, there was a point where there were multiple people on the list, and that was stress in itself, cause I was like "where the heck did all these people come from and why the hell did they all decide to like me, and ooh, who is the tall one?" But you have NO IDEA where you are on the list. But I'll help you out with that.

You're not on it. Period.

Oh! I almost forgot! the part where he threatens to take his code from my site. If what? If I don't go out with you? Do you listen to yourself? How threatening and MANIPULATIVE and childish is that? And then (pure example of how he retracts things to make them "better" not realizing how exactly he's incriminating himself... says "I was just saying that you have no leverage." Oh? That statement made me laugh the hardest. Because I do, and I'm too nice to use it, and too smart to write it here. It also ties into my next post: When Men Lie, pt II, but I'll leave it off for now.

Anyways, for so long I wanted to scream, "get over me!"
Now, I find, I want to scream, "get over YOURSELF!"

Thank you, this has been most cathartic.

b

but the fing is

so remember the weird feeling I had that I'd just attributed to 500 calories a day?
Turns out it's a symptom...

of bronchitis. Not eating, fever... etc. So today I was diagnosed with the lung-battling beastly bacteria... only I've got the virus so I contracted the vicious virulent no good very bad bacteria.

fing is, every one was dropping out (and by everyone, I mean two people)... but these people are two of the three most important people of my life... the other one was like YOU ARE GOING NO MATTER WHAT...

keeping my spirits up and stuff...

turns out it was meant to be, cause had I gone, as I'm sure God knew I would have (and am still stubbornly contemplating... I could be better by Saturday! You don't know!) I'd probably be in much more of a world of hurt than I am now... home... off from work until after the holiday... "resting".

wtf is this "resting??"

Anyways, so a sign was probably that people couldnt go so that I could actually go to the dr's and not die in the wave pool from lack of oxygen & exhaustion or something.

Whatever.

More posts to include: "when men lie" parts I & II!!!!

I just need to finish figuring out how to protect everyone's identity first.

b

and yet... somehow

So, I'm going to Kings Dominion on July 01. Regardless of anything else I have to do that weekend, that is a definite. On July first, I will be making the hour-long trek from my home, caravan style, to the land of rollercoasters and wave pools. Theme park, here I come.

Prior to this event, I stressed mildly on getting a new bathing suit. The one I wanted was a white Victoria Secret bandau bikini with a floral design off-center that gets picked up again on the bikini bottom. All told, it would be 80$, before shipping. Then I went to buy it, and the top was backordered till the 2nd, and the bottom until August, neither of which helps me in anyway. Then I saw a really nice blue rutched skirt bandau bikini at macy's (.com), and that was about 60$. So we're going the right way, pricewise... anyways last Friday, Yang & I went shopping at Target, and I ended up with a green triangle top bikini with a belted bottom. It's very James Bond. I'm deathly afraid of the traingle/halter top... cause... well... I'm flat chested, and those only make me look more flat. I got one from the Gap (.com) last year because the model wearing it was flat and I thought "hey, she's small, it'll look like that on me! Great!"

Not so much. So I wore it once to go swimming, like an idiot, and now I can't return it. So it lives in my drawer, with the other suits I won't wear, and I became very weary of the halter. I figured I'd be good with the bandau. Cuts straight across, no worry about what the cleavage looks like.

Oh well.

So then I'm looking in the mirror thinking, "ugh, my god... it looks bad" and thanking goodness that I hadn't waited until just then to start my regiment of working out. Now we get to the point of the post.

In addition to working out, I decided to drop from a 2k calorie diet to a 1500 calorie diet just to help out with the fat burning a little. Only thing is, for the past few days I'd been feeling weird, which I'd just attributed to the heat, my crazy headaches when it's about to rain, and the fact that the threat of rain has been omnipresent for a long time, with thunderstorms happening at on a regular basis now.

Sidenote: Storm all you want now. I'd better have clear skies on July 01. Get it all out the way now, bitches.

Anyways... this morning it occured to me that I haven't had dinner for practically a week. Therefore I've blown my dietary restrictions by 1k... if you consider the 150 calories I have with my yogurt for breakfast, and the 270 calorie lunch I had... At most I've been consuming 500 calories a day. If I had a smoothie, the most I've had were 1200 calories... but even then, it's only a day. I've been doing this for about three weeks.

So yeah, at most I've had about 5-700 calories per day for about three weeks.

That's not good. At all. No wonder my body's screwed up.

But, how come I've only lost 5 lbs?!

f it all

Nevermind.
I think I've regained my senses.
Everyone's different.
Some people are silent.
I can respect that.
I have to learn to take people at their word.
Maybe this is just a testament to my own underlying feelings of "what the heck would anyone see in me? I'm BORING"
I will learn much from this experience if I just learn to stop overanalyzing & just ride the wave.
Which is what everyone tells me to do.
Which is damn near impossible. My brain doesnt function on "experience."
My brain functions on "analyze."

Okay. I'm okay now.

b

World Refugee Day

According to msn.com, today was/is for another few hours World Refugee Day. As I browse through the associated link, I keep asking myself, "why does this exist?"

Not on an intellectual level, mind you, I get that a refugee is a displaced person seeking "refuge" from their homeland for whatever reason (usually persecution of some sort, often times famine). I ask myself on an emotional level. There's pictures of kids crying, tent cities, Albanian men jumping off deportation ships after being denied asylum... braving currents and bullets rather than being sent back... A Rwandans' mutilated faces framing the largest eyes I've ever seen, faces hardened by war, women setting laundry to dry on chicken wire encampments, pictures of children jumping rope - some being children, some having fun, some looking at them as if it's sacreligious... those I worry about. The children who grow up too fast.

They have a special place in my heart.

Elsalvadorian families taking refuge in cemetaries...

What kind of life did they have where the only course of action was to leave? What country would allow such a hardship to exist? What country still cares about its compatriots?

What happens to a person to make them leave the only home they've ever known and step into the unknown? Will a host country adopt them? Will they be sent back? What are the repurcussions of either action? The will of these people is strong.

In their eyes shine hope and fear, and yet, steel resolve.

God bless them.

b

When cats get their own TV shows.

http://video.msn.com/v/us/v.htm?g=16271bce-1e7a-4216-b4a0-c6adf29ce67f&f=msn-l&fg=copy

It's true. Cats now have their own reality tv series airing on the Animal Planet. They took 10 orphaned cats and stuck them in this high end apartment on Madison Avenue, like The Real World, but then they have them taking tests like in Survivor, and the winner gets an endorsement deal with Purina or something, like in The Apprentice.

I mean, I'm all for animals & stuff, but there are people starving in the world. The endorsements alone that cover the expenses... Can't we send them to some nation? or how about the homeless shelters here in the US? How about disease research? How about local public schools?

Don't call me a cat hater. I have a cat. I have a hilarious cat. I love my cat. But this, this is taking it too far. This is an example of an acute displacement of wealth in America. We have so much of it now, we can fund ten cats? And not just anywhere, but Madison Avenue in NYC? Isn't NYC the city where the teacher created the assistance program 'cause he had no supplies? I'd be furious to know that my students come to school every day missing paper, or pencils, or that I don't have a projector because my class can't aford one, or they're cutting back arts programs in favor of math and science because we all know that music and drawing have nothing to do with math. Fractions have nothing to do with scales. Nothing.

God, this kind of shishi crap just IRRITATES ME. Here's an idea, let's take all that money, from the endorsements, from the airtime, from the hotel or apartment... let's put it back INTO something. Give it to the SCPCA and have them have a spay & neuter festival or something. PUT IT BACK, damnit, Animal Planet. Use it for a special on domesticated animals, if you have to use cats... but seriously. This kind of show is insulting.

wtf?!

b

the thing about space

I'm going to preface this by saying I'm hormonal. Take it with a grain of whatever preservative you choose to use. I also seem to have to get alot out. If you've read this far... you have my sympathy.

On myspace, there are these bulletins I became addicted to, thanks to Poppy. It's funny... he used to not be able to let an email survey go by, where I *never* filled them out. Then one day I thought, "well, what the hell" and did it. Since then, I actually started using myspace (for the videos) and I'd just get sucked in to completing another bulletin survey. The irony is that Poppy no longer does them. Punk.

Anyways, one of the most frequent questions asked on aforementioned surveys is "can long distance relationships work?"

I always answer, "yes," because I know from experience that they can. The key is communication, or so I thought. Today I learned another key.

Interest.

There has to be interest. I always thought that the point was communication. But without interest, there's no point TO communication. Why bother responding when you're not interested? I swear, I'd pick up "He's just not in to you" but I think I'm scared I'd find out some people's true feelings.

Touching on feelings, TB always said something to the effect that "matters of the heart never make sense"... that's a paraphrase, and I know I butchered it, cause he makes it sound much more poetic, but anyways... I'd apologize for liking people and he'd shrug it off. He's a tough one, that man. But he's right, damn him. Why do I always like people I shouldn't be with? Either they're on the clingy side or they're on the "the only way you know I like you is cause I tell you so" side.

Which I have now come to despise. As of today, if you don't make a move, I write you off. Period.

This edict hurts already, cause it applies to someone I was starting to like. Who I have repeatedly written off, and repeatedly keep coming back to. This isn't good. This is friggin Briget Jones's Diary mess. But I mean, I have people constantly giving me chips like "thinking of you" or even just calling to see how I am, and from this one, nothing. Nothing like that, at least. Nothing to reinforce blue moon statements. Maybe he's shy. Maybe there's a justification for that, but all I know is I want to face him and say "I don't think you like me. Maybe you've convinced yourself you like me or someone else has. Let me stop wasting your time."

Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows. But I just dont want to be the one putting energy into something that doesn't face a return. Maybe he's just not romantic, and that's what I'm used to. Maybe he just doesnt DO chips like everyone else. Maybe that's not his gig. That's cool too... but like... if the only thing I have to go by is the fact that you answered your phone... C'mon. PLEASE let me stop wasting your time. Because I think I've gotten back to the point where I'd like to be able to go out with someone again, and if it's not gonna be you, I need to know before I actually let myself feel again. If I'm gonna start taking bricks down from this fortress I've spent years developing, I need to know that there's someone taking them down from the other side. Because I'm out of options. I've tried to engage conversation, and I get jack back. That's a hint to me in the negative, so I don't get why this person seems to want to spend time with me. I don't get it cause the words don't match the actions. USUALLY when I notice that, I'm out. But for some reason, some sadistic reason, I'm still here on this one.

Maybe I like torturing myself.

b

7 am text messages

I got a text message this morning from VJ. It read, simply,
"Good morning"

And... I dunno... it was just so friggin sweet! I'm still... I dunno... freaked at how that whole thing started, and how I missed like, all the signs of what happened, and Yang keeps reminding me of what happened so that I can remember... but I don't... it's all a blur. I remember him walking into the office, I remember asking Yang "what is that?" and I remember thinking "omg, just don't stand next to me and don't look at me and don't talk to me." Outside of that, I don't remember much of what happened. Somehow we all started talking about the club, and what club to go to, and if I go or not, and that I don't go but was planning on going on the 30th... and somehow...

< draws blank >

Somehow I ended up with a text message at 7 am reading "good morning."

I love sweet stuff like that. Like when Chicago sends me text messages telling me he's thinking about me. I love that stuff. I eat it up. It's like candy.

It's... what's the word? Romantic. I dig romantic. It busts a grin on my face that refuses to leave. All I have to do is remember a romantic thing someone did, no matter how bad the day is, and I'll get to grinning. Sweet stuff, sweet cute stuff just gets me.

wb

so I took May off from writing.
Funny thing is, I feel more screwed up now for doing it.. as far a smy ability (or lack thereof) to express myself.

So here I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Hopefully, my beloved blogspot, I'll not leave you for long ever again!

yes, I do

You Belong in London

You belong in London, but you belong in many cities... Hong Kong, San Francisco, Sidney. You fit in almost anywhere. And London is diverse and international enough to satisfy many of your tastes. From curry to Shakespeare, London (almost) has it all!

What European City Do You Belong In?

if blogthings says it, it must be true

You Should Be an Actor

You have a flair for the dramatic, and you probably already do a lot of acting in your day to day life, just to entertain yourself. No need to steal the spotlight from your friends... You'll get plenty of attention once you start acting professionally!

What Sort of Artist Should You Be?

i basically act my age

You Are 26 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

the element of my love

Your Love Element Is Earth

In love, you have consistency and integrity. For you, love is all about staying grounded and centered. You attract others with your zest for life and experiences. Your flirting style is defined by setting the scene, creating a unique moment in time. Steady progress and stability are the cornerstones of your love life. You may take things too slowly, but you never put your heart at risk. You connect best with: Fire Avoid: Wood You and another Earth element: need each other too much to build a good foundation

What Element Is Your Love?

au natural

Your Seduction Style: Au Natural

You rank up there with your seduction skills, though you might not know it. That's because you're a natural at seduction. You don't realize your power! The root of your natural seduction power: your innocence and optimism. You're the type of person who happily plays around and creates a unique little world. Little do you know that your personal paradise is so appealing that it sucks people in. You find joy in everything - so is it any surprise that people find joy in you? You bring back the inner child in everyone you meet with your sincere and spontaneous ways. Your childlike (but not childish) behavior also inspires others to care for you. As a result, those who you befriend and date tend to be incredibly loyal to you.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

adventures in xray land

the drs office sent me straight to the xray place
saying they'd fax the permission info
they did
xray: we never got it
b: can you fax it again?
dr: okay
xray: we never got it. oh, snap, the fax is broke
xray: send it here instead (new #)
dr: okay
xray: we never got it
b: call the dr again
dr: we're at lunch until 2

the weird thing and the interesting thing

I had a convo with OhioH about dads... we compared notes and I dunno... I told him about how I used to feel about my dad... and how we both pretty much leave well enough alone...

and then today,

the man calls me. His birthday's tomorrow. He wants me to come over with his pals, and watch his pictures of his trip to Egypt to see the eclipse on his HDTV.

But that happened after the interesting thing.

the interesting thing was when i was in the car with MSI, and OhioH came up because she saw his myspace picture & thought he was cute, and when I told her that he's not clingy and he's independent and we don't talk that much, and I told her the contrast between him and his roommate (who I talk to on a regular basis) that she hit me with "that's good!"

i was like what?

"that's good, you need that."

and i stepped back and realized that she's right. I do need that. That someone who gives me my space, and isnt everywhere all the time, keeping me from what needs to get done, crying to me about their problems and stuff. That said, don't be too distant, but still... she's right. And i look around and there are two people who lean on me too much. the others are balanced, but still... i still have those two, so maybe it's pulling me out of my habit to be attracted to unhealthy relationships.

normally, it's "themthemthemthemthemthemthemthem" and i find myself putting my life aside for them. not doing work, or not writing a paper, because i'll put their needs above my own.

But because I'm used to that, I'm not sure how to handle distant people.
But whatever. It all turns out alright in the end, right?

b

tuesday on the campus with besu

so today, besu and i are walking to the union, and i'm feeding him pieces of a huge rice krispie treat when it hits me,
"you know, for someone who doesn't want kids, I'm damn maternal"
"you sure are. and for someone who actually does want kids, i can't stand the little bastards"

so it's funny... everything I did today at the union with him, i realized i was being motherly. the whole day long... even when they passed around kids school fundraiser stuff, and i bought a bucket of cookie dough so I could make OhioH cookies when I get there.

WTF?!

anyways... so then we're at the library, getting a print card when I realized that besu had earlier, when I mentioned i missed getting flowers, picked several blossoms off the tree and handed them to me when he saw me... so now i'm walking around campus with a slowly deteriorating bouquet of pastel blossoms having all these girls hate on me, and it hits me, so I say,

"you know, you're making it hard for all the other guys"
"that's the plan. Well, if it makes you feel any better, you're making it hard for all the other girls."
"really?"
"not really."

OhioH called again.
I get butterflies when he does that.
Is that bad?

But then he oberved that I'm usually with friends when he calls. I have friends? I HAVE FRIENDS!!

b

there went the bride

so i got an email today from a friend of mine at work who is getting married. As in her boyfriend keeps proposing, she keeps tuning him down, and yet we keep going to the bridal shop during her break to look at dresses.

Anyways, this email was a picture of a dress from Maggie Sottero that she was considering, and she sent it to two or three people for feedback. I don't like the dress at all... at least, it's nice on the model but I don't think it would flatter her... but instead of telling her just that, I'm looking at the site to see if there's anything else I like that I can suggest to her in its place, or at least for further consideration.

So here I am, sifting through all these dresses I'm not impressed with when it hits me:

I'm never getting married. I don't think I'm girly enough.

Aside from that, I'm sick of it coming up in conversation. From avoiding one suitor COMPLETELY... to wondering if i'll ever be able to have a male plutonic friend again...

in other news, I talked to the exbestfriend last night. turns out he's going out with the other exbestfriend, and we had a lovely conversation; the first in months. Unfortunately, I can never speak to him again, since the reason she and i broke up was because she thought i was trying to steal all her crushes. meanwhile, i'm going through not being able to like him because they went out, and i didnt want to be called a manstealer again, so no matter how many times we liked each other, i never let us actually go out (my loss, he's great, but things turn out the way they should because:) and now it turns out they're dating again. So I'm glad I held off, but the problem is, now that he and i can have the strictly plutonic relationship I crave with him because he's dating her, I can't talk to him again BECAUSE he's dating her, and I don't want her to have the impression I'm stepping in on her man, since he and I haven't spoken much since January except for the one night in February when I made him birthday dinner and cake.

why is life so complicated? I'm tired of being so frigging considerate of other people's emotions. Why can't I just talk to my old best friend again without having the fear of it being misconstrued as something else?

Why can't I write that I like someone without getting an email about it?
Speaking of that... let's do the irritated part first. It irritates me that someone in my life feels like they have the right to know my business. If I offer something, fine, but where the hell do you get off saying you think you have the right to ask me questions because you like me? because you feel like you've invested some emotion in me that justifies you demanding to know aspects of my life, like why i like someone or what they've got that you don't. what the fuck is that? that's horseshit!

i appreciate what you've done for me, but that isn't a prerequesite for liking you. i'm not obligated to like you because you helped me get something off the ground... true, that happens with partners, but this isn't figureskating. I'm just so very angry about that whole thing. Its like there's a condition for the friendship. BUT, when I call the person out on the many things he's said, the first thing he does is retract it all, not realizing that in some retractions, he further incriminates himself.

I just want him to leave me alone. Period. Only, I have to work with him... but that might not be a problem since...

well...

the second part of the "why can't i like someone" is well... why can't i like someone?

I think I'm deluding myself. I thought this person liked me as in "hey, you're cool" and i liked them back in the same way, but then I don't know. I think I'm the only one in the friendship at this point. Maybe it just needs some face time. Too early to tell.

b

personality traits according to blogthings.com

Your #1 Match: ENTJ

The Executive You are a natural leader - with confidence and strength that inspires others. Driven to succeed, you are always looking for ways to gain, power, knowledge, and expertise. Sometimes you aren't the most considerate person, especially to those who are a bit slow. You are not easily intimidated - and you have a commanding, awe-inspiring presence. You would make a great CEO, entrepreneur, or consultant.

Your #2 Match: INTJ

The Scientist You have a head for ideas - and you are good at improving systems. Logical and strategic, you prefer for everything in your life to be organized. You tend to be a bit skeptical. You're both critical of yourself and of others. Independent and stubborn, you tend to only befriend those who are a lot like you. You would make an excellent scientist, engineer, or programmer.

Your #3 Match: ENFJ

The Giver You strive to maintain harmony in relationships, and usually succeed. Articulate and enthusiastic, you are good at making personal connections. Sometimes you idealize relationships too much - and end up being let down. You find the most energy and comfort in social situations ... where you shine. You would make a good writer, human resources director, or psychologist.

Your #4 Match: INFJ

The Protector You live your life with integrity, originality, vision, and creativity. Independent and stubborn, you rarely stray from your vision - no matter what it is. You are an excellent listener, with almost infinite patience. You have complex, deep feelings, and you take great care to express them. You would make a great photographer, alternative medicine guru, or teacher.

Your #5 Match: ENTP

The Visionary You are charming, outgoing, friendly. You make a good first impression. You possess good negotiating skills and can convince anyone of anything. Happy to be the center of attention, you love to tell stories and show off. You're very clever, but not disciplined enough to do well in structured environments. You would make a great entrpreneur, marketing executive, or actor.

What's Your Personality Type?

quotes of last night

most insightful: "floetry is what you get if you split Jill Scot"

most fish-out-of-water at just the right time: "is good to learn foreign languages"

most repeated and least relevant to the event: "go to me-zine.org"

thanks to everyone who came out last night...
thanks to all the jokes & performers
thanks to everyone who promoted my website (www.me-zine.org) even though the event was for dayspring bahai school (www.dayspringbahaischool.org).

b