Monday, October 31, 2005

Didn't know there was an "us"

So I had a double shift on saturday (sorry for the 2 day delay in posting this) and in the evening, the rec side had a wedding reception, which means 1 staff member (usually Cole) and 1 Park Police Officer (usually... well, 75-80% chance of it being ParkPoliceMan).

So, Cole & I are smalltalking while I get something for a patron who was my event, and here comes a Park Officer to work Cole's event, who was not ParkPoliceMan... and he's all, bravada, like 10 questions all at once, to the point where I'm abou to get my bag for my license & registration: Oh, so you work the other side (you mean the side whose office you're in now? I should have said that. Didn't.), What do you have going on, Are you new? My name is [I'd call him PPM2, but I don't wanna steal PPM's thunder...] You've never heard of me? I'm a LieutenantI've never met you, you must be new, what's your name?

And Cole jumps in at this point with "That's ParkPoliceMan's woman"

And I just look at Cole like, I cannot believe you just said that and there's this silence while PPM2 (shudder, I *have* to find him a new name... TheLieutenant) sizes me up & says "oh really?" and then attempts to save face & move the subject along & ignore how awkward it suddenly became by following it up with this gem: Oh, you're the reason he spends so much time down here? I'm glad he's got a woman, we all thought he was a little funny"



That was wrong on so many accounts... One, I'm not his woman, which I had to keep reiterating, and he's definetly not gay. Definetly. Anyways, I'd say I wasn't his woman, and Cole'd say "naw, all they do is fight, what does that tell you?" And TheLieutenant said "they're made for each other" and I said "I AM NOT PARKPOLICEMAN'S WOMAN!"

I really felt like I'd gone back 100 years as far as women's lib cause here are two guys talking about a relationship that may or may not exist between me and someone else like I'm not even there, completely disregarding what I'm saying.

So then TheLieutenant calls ParkPoliceMan and talks to him about me. Then he calls me to the phone and ParkPoliceMan's all "What did you tell him about us?" and I was like "uh, one, I didn't know there was an us, and two, I said nothing, Cole's the one who's all like I'm your woman" and he says "oh, okay" like it's okay coming from cole and not from me, not that I would have put that out there anyone, Since I AM NO ONE'S WOMAN, which is what I kept saying on Saturday. I BELONG TO NO MAN. Then there was an "okay, ttyl" and we hung up.



Thursday, October 27, 2005

Men and The Man

What does it mean when one person can control wether you feel good or feel worthless?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I have big balls and I cannot lie

Okay. I have now heard it from three different men who do not know each other at all, that I should have been a dude. Apparently, I think like a man.

TheBesu also said to me that I'm one of the few women (or did he say only? I can't remember...) that knows when to shut up.

I love compliments! Keep 'em coming!

I told him I took a quiz that said I was the perfect girlfriend. So I said, tell that to my ex boyfriends, and he said "no, you're the perfect girlfriend, they weren't the perfect boyfriend"

isn't he great? I tell ya.


Monday, October 24, 2005

notawkward: mind if I ask a wierd question?
me: sure
me: i reserve the right to not answer
notawkward: of course, but this is an easy one. I was just wondering if you where surprised that your presence is missed in the artistic community. It sounded like surprise to me, but that might just be the internet
me: i was/ am surprised, yes
me: life goes on, ya know? didnt think anyone noticed me gone
notawkward: ah, then may allow me to make an observation, I wonder if you sometimes sell yourself short to yourself at least
me: i'm game, go on, you've got my attention
notawkward: oh, I just remember first thinking that from one of your other posts, and it seems to me that no matter what the emotional self feels like thinking, it's important that at least the inteelectual self recognize our value. The emotional self will catch up eventually. That's my theory at least
me: =)
me: then my intellectual self is alone and focused
me: my emotional self is paralysed
me: i'm strangely okay with the arrangement
notawkward: yeah, I know that feeling well. I figure the emotional self catches up eventually.
notawkward: well that was my random moment of lucidness for the week, I'm going to bed
me: haha
me: thanks
me: notawkward, you know, it means alot to me.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Only I don't quite Love him

DateFinder: Hot Theater Man Love = HTML
DateFinder: can't belive you missed that!!!

I can't believe I missed that, either. Actually, I can, because I don't love him, so the idea never entered my head. Should I entertain the idea?? Hrm...

; )


< edited to add > Hot Theater Tech PERSON = HTTP
Beat THAT, DateFinder!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

what was that?

So I walk in, and it's all married couples and me.
What was that?
That's an exaggeration.. I think there were three unmarried guys there, me, another girl, and two people who may as well be married but aren't official yet. Everyone else was a parent or a member of the household.

I got to see some people I havent seen in a while, though. I left early, which was good.

Eh. Maybe the event's purpose was miscommunicated to me.

Singles night that was not.


i'm so happy

I got a text message this morning from... I have to think of a name for him... Wow, this is harder than I thought... What name do I make up for a person who was such a good actor at playing evil that he gave me nightmares for two weeks until I met him a year later at a party I ended up hooking up with a man who would later become my fiance and then I found out that scary guy wasnt so scary and REALLY HOT and we all stayed up watching Angus until he fell asleep and then FirstLove and I made out but two years later (four years ago) that fell apart because I made it fall apart and this year he looked me up & emailed me and now we're getting to be good friends? What do I call him? Hot Theater Tech Boy? Hot Theater Tech MAN. HTTM.

Okay so HTTM texts me this morning with a generic how are you, hope you're okay, and it made my morning. I'm not okay. I'm in a ton of pain, but it was nice to know that he still checks in on me. Which made me think of the other people that have checked in on me, namely ItsNotAwkwardAnymore, who reminded me that I'm a writer and should be writing. That meant the absolute world to me. This is my vent space, goddamnit and here I shall vent. If I vent about you, that's part of the give & take, isn't it. You read to see what's going on in my life, and if what's going on in my life is you, then you might see you here. If you can't take that, don't read my blog. It's a chance you take. It's also why I protect people's real identities with madeup names.

Anyways, I saw TCP's Choreographer today, completely forgetting that they're rehearsing for Nuncrackers, and we caught up. She lied & said I look good as always, and I laughed and told her briefly about what's been going on in my life. She's still in shock, and got kinda miffed when I said I wasn't doing theater anymore. She was like "What do you mean you're not performing, [her business partner and her] have been looking for you because we've got some shows coming up" and I explained why and she said to leave this place & go to some real theaters and then I explained futher that I can't perform even if I wanted to, because I can't do my job. I'm emotionally paralyzed, how am I supposed to act with no emotions? I can't even go up or down a flight of stairs without getting dizzy how am I supposed to do jazz & ballet combinations? How can I do my job? I can't. So she told me they're precasting this August Wilson play, (who just HAPPENS to be my favourite playwright of all time who also just recently died) and then we discussed the beauty and poeticness of his death and then I talked about my views on death, which she said was a very functional perspective.

So that made me happy, that she was mad at me for not acting. ItsNotAwkwardAnymore is mad at me for not writing, TCPChoreo is mad at me for not acting... I'm glad. It means my artistic presence is missed in the field. My friends have been calling me to check up on me, which means my presence is missed in their lives. In all, it's very rewarding to have people call you and say "where the hell are you/have you been?"

It's also amusing, cause I came to work and I wasn't smiling. That's all... well aside from the fact that it's raining and thus I have a monster headache... All that was different was I wasn't smiling (unless there was some signal they could pick up on that I didn't know I was sending)... and it reminded me of all the times the guards ask me if something's wrong if all I'm doing is not smiling. The thought of that made me laugh, because it was like if i'm not smiling then something's wrong. I know I just restated the sentence, but it tickles me. That's how often I've got a smile on my face. I smile so much that people worry if I'm not.

I love that.

So, good things happened to me today. Head hurts like a mother, but eh it hurts everyday. So...

Anyways, tonight is singles night. I'm going out of sheer curiosity. Singles night = trap. Don't ever forget it. All they do is throw "singles night" as an excuse to let two people get together under the guise of a party, and if you should find someone and it wasn't part of their pre-established master plan of how the night was supposed to go for their benefit and specifically not yours, they'll gossip about you until they're ruined your good name in light of their own. So I'm going. Sadistic, ain't it? I figure I go & be set dressing, and get the dirt firsthand. I bet there won't even be any good looking guys there. I'm more worried about how I'm going to drive home. So I'm not staying long. I wasn't even going (since I didnt know about it) but mom tells me last night "tomorrow we're going to ___'s house for singles night" and I respond "tomorrow I have a paper to revise" and she comes back with "well, you're still going anyways". So I'm going. But I'm not staying long. The moment I get tired, I'm going home. 'Cause I do not want to fall asleep behind the wheel, driving home from a social mixer meant for other people to get hooked up on a saturday night. Maybe if it was monday I wouldn't mind falling asleep behind the wheel, but a Saturday? forget it. [if you couldnt pickup on that sarcasm... you need help]

And speaking of papers, I now know I am not an overachiever. I think I'm not saying anything new here, but my draft that I cranked out an hour before class landed me a preliminary B for content and C for mechanics. I'm sitting here trying to revise it, and I'm like "why am i Stressing over this? it's a b! that's good! I'm fine with a b." So I might fix the mechanics some but I mean, it's a decent paper. What do I need an A for? I'm not stressing. So I'll revise it since that's the assignment, but I'm not "OMG I NEED AN A" stressing. I got a B on a paper I cranked out an hour before class. That's the accomplishment.

Anyways, that's about everything. I have more, but I'll save it for another day.
=) Besides, I think that's long enough, don't you?

Welcome Back, banaf5h3h. I've missed me.

< editor's note: > I KNOW that the singles night/trap paragraph has a ton of sentence fragments in it. I do NOT feel like revising it. Take some of the periods out in your mind and slice them together to form a flowing phrase that isn't stopped short with a period. Thank you. =)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Why the hitchhikers guide is always right:

welcome back

It’s Kind of Awkward Now: So, have you given up on your blog comepletly or are you just on hiatus?
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: if so that's too bad, I like hearing what you think about things
me: thanks
me: i havent had the time or topics to write about
me: well... i've been too frustrated to put things into words
me: i'd log in, and stare at the screen
me: it's funny, because i miss my blog too
me: thanks for noticing i've been gone
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: np, it was like part o my weekly routine to check in on you. ... I usually don't have much to write about either, but that's why I draw stuff
It’s Kind of Awkward Now signed off at 11:33:10 PM.
It’s Kind of Awkward Now signed on at 11:33:51 PM.
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: I thought you blogged to get your frustrations out

Sunday, October 02, 2005

falling off the pedestal

i had a wake up call today. i'm not perfect. i met this guy, and he talked me up to a pedestal so much. well he visited me, and he screwed one thing up, but when he asked me about it, the floodgates kinda opened and i looked at everything that went wrong when he visited me. i picked the poor guy apart because i somehow had the right to do it. but i don't. no one does. and he called me on it. so I thank him for reminding me that i'm still a human, and I make mistakes just as much as anyone else... only when i f up, i strike low... and i should have just focused on how he gives the best hugs i've had in a while and how it was nice to see him again.