Saturday, November 12, 2005

Because Sometimes Asshole's Don't Change

Saw The Weatherman last night.
People pretty much know how I feel about Nicholas Cage.
I think I've found what my problem with him is: He was just miscast in all those other movies. The movies that required the ability to move your face. You know... act. He had Keanu Reeves syndrome... where he's good if the movie needs a deer in the headlights (see: Matrix, Bill & Ted).

So if you didnt know my background with Cage, that's it in a nutshell.

The Weatherman is a perfect vehicle for Cage. It basically restored my faith in him, since I try really hard not to see deer in the headlight movies. The only Cage movies I like are Face/Off for acting reasons (and really, that was Travolta's vehicle, cause Cage still spent most of the movie being a DITH), and Gone in 60 seconds for car reasons. I have not seen Adaptation. So there is hope still. Anyways, I just assumed that he was miscast in all the other movies, or maybe i just didnt like the DITH face. But here. Here, in this film, the close ups (i mean, pore-counting close ups) allow me to see a new side of Cage. The subtle changes. So now I believe that Cage can act. When there's nothing but stuff blowing up, I missed that he's not an action hero actor. He's a subtle change actor. And there aren't many of those in Hollywood. So... I guess what I'm typing here is that I have newfound respect for Nicholas Coppola as an actor. So all you Cage-a-philes get off my back for beinga "hater". I just think he was miscast. OMG "give me back my bunny". Need I say more?

Back to the Weatherman, really, I thought it was a great movie. And the sound designer for it needs a medal or something, because there's this theme that gets interrupted. The first time I heard it, I thought it was a mistake, like the guy in the projection booth didnt know what he was doing or something (yes, I know that they have these automated things now). But then it happened again, and I thought it was brilliant. I need to see it again, to see if the theme's interruption (which is like a cd skipping, or like a record getting stopped abruptly) happens every time he screws up, or every time someone throws something at him. Really, it was a brilliant touch.

As far as Michael Caine... No. Let's skip Michael Caine. He's brilliant enough that he doesnt need a nobody telling him that he is.

Mr. Caine, your work is brilliant. I can only hope to aspire to your level of craft someday.

So back to the movie... I saw it with a guy who didn't like it because Cage's character doesn't really change. But the movie wasn't about him changing... it was about more than that. One level of it was just him accepting the way his life was. He was an asshole, and will most likely continue to be one. Sometimes, holding on to things is more destructive than leting them go & moving on with who you are. And he does change, in small ways. His son has an issue that he "takes care of", which i'm surprised that the parties involved didnt press charges against each other, frankly... but his other kid smokes and NO ONE IDENTIFIES THAT. That bothered me, but that's just it... he's living in his own world, where everything is about him, so when he sees that his kid is smoking, he's so busy lamenting about how his life sucks that he can't even say "what are these? I know what they are, but what sucks so bad that you feel the need to smoke?" he just looks at them in her bag & goes on about how he's failed. And he's right. He's stuck in this cycle. He failed, but since he's so hung up on himself, he can't move on and therefore keeps going on failing.

On another level, the movie shows how you can get everything and still not be happy... I mean, this guy... he get's PAID... but he can't appreciate it because he's too busy wallowing in self pity. No wonder no one wants to be around him. I'd have told him to grow a spine & grow up. He's so busy wallowing in self pity that he wants to know how to fix things, so he and his wife go to this counsellor, and they write something that they've never told the other person. then they give it to them, under the impression that the other person will NEVER READ IT. So you can guess what happens. He views this as his opportunity to figure out something that bothers her so he can fix it, as if this one chance will fix everything and make him have a perfect life in his mind again. So he reads it. Which, since he's stuck in his own little world, makes sense. he's got the golden ticket to finding out where he screwed up. Only it backfires. NOT reading it was the pupose of the excercise. NOT reading it was the golden ticket.

Yes. This guy sucks. Yes. He keeps doing everything wrong. And he will keep on doing everything wrong until he realizes that it's not about him.

One part I liked was that his thought that his wife was attracted to money backfired. He figures if he gets the job that's worth a million bucks and some change, that she'll come back to him for the money. And with her, it's not about the money. It was never about the money. It was about him.

< editor's note: I like how the last sentence of that paragraph contradicts the last sentence of the paragraph before it. I'll rephrase with "It was never about the money: it was about him and his obsession with himself." /end edit >

Anyways, so he develops a strength. He gets a hobby. In doing so, he develops the focus, and strength that he needs to push him into self exceptance. Anyways he doesn't make it into model husband/father land. But not too many people do.

Sometimes, a frog is just a frog.

But he did change. He started to live his life for himself, instead of in the past, trying to reclaim some lost glory he never had in the first place. He stops living for other people, calls himself on where he is, and keeps going. That is a success. A small one, but a succes nevertheless. Life is work-in-progress. I think it's assinine to think that life can be tied neatly up in a bow. The guy does change. And that one small change could lead to larger ones. But it'shis life, and we were only allowed a glimpse into it. Maybe the guy goes on to learn to put the toilet seat down after he's done. Maybe he finds some hot chick and remarries. But that's for him to have.

Really, I'm happy for the guy who finally got to be comfortable with who he is, at where he is. That's a victory. Yes, he's still an asshole, but at least *now he knows and can recognize that he is one*. The first step to solving the problem, as the cliche standard goes, is admitting you have one. And that first step, as another cliche standard claims, is usually the hardest.

Good for him!


Monday, October 31, 2005

Didn't know there was an "us"

So I had a double shift on saturday (sorry for the 2 day delay in posting this) and in the evening, the rec side had a wedding reception, which means 1 staff member (usually Cole) and 1 Park Police Officer (usually... well, 75-80% chance of it being ParkPoliceMan).

So, Cole & I are smalltalking while I get something for a patron who was my event, and here comes a Park Officer to work Cole's event, who was not ParkPoliceMan... and he's all, bravada, like 10 questions all at once, to the point where I'm abou to get my bag for my license & registration: Oh, so you work the other side (you mean the side whose office you're in now? I should have said that. Didn't.), What do you have going on, Are you new? My name is [I'd call him PPM2, but I don't wanna steal PPM's thunder...] You've never heard of me? I'm a LieutenantI've never met you, you must be new, what's your name?

And Cole jumps in at this point with "That's ParkPoliceMan's woman"

And I just look at Cole like, I cannot believe you just said that and there's this silence while PPM2 (shudder, I *have* to find him a new name... TheLieutenant) sizes me up & says "oh really?" and then attempts to save face & move the subject along & ignore how awkward it suddenly became by following it up with this gem: Oh, you're the reason he spends so much time down here? I'm glad he's got a woman, we all thought he was a little funny"



That was wrong on so many accounts... One, I'm not his woman, which I had to keep reiterating, and he's definetly not gay. Definetly. Anyways, I'd say I wasn't his woman, and Cole'd say "naw, all they do is fight, what does that tell you?" And TheLieutenant said "they're made for each other" and I said "I AM NOT PARKPOLICEMAN'S WOMAN!"

I really felt like I'd gone back 100 years as far as women's lib cause here are two guys talking about a relationship that may or may not exist between me and someone else like I'm not even there, completely disregarding what I'm saying.

So then TheLieutenant calls ParkPoliceMan and talks to him about me. Then he calls me to the phone and ParkPoliceMan's all "What did you tell him about us?" and I was like "uh, one, I didn't know there was an us, and two, I said nothing, Cole's the one who's all like I'm your woman" and he says "oh, okay" like it's okay coming from cole and not from me, not that I would have put that out there anyone, Since I AM NO ONE'S WOMAN, which is what I kept saying on Saturday. I BELONG TO NO MAN. Then there was an "okay, ttyl" and we hung up.



Thursday, October 27, 2005

Men and The Man

What does it mean when one person can control wether you feel good or feel worthless?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

I have big balls and I cannot lie

Okay. I have now heard it from three different men who do not know each other at all, that I should have been a dude. Apparently, I think like a man.

TheBesu also said to me that I'm one of the few women (or did he say only? I can't remember...) that knows when to shut up.

I love compliments! Keep 'em coming!

I told him I took a quiz that said I was the perfect girlfriend. So I said, tell that to my ex boyfriends, and he said "no, you're the perfect girlfriend, they weren't the perfect boyfriend"

isn't he great? I tell ya.


Monday, October 24, 2005

notawkward: mind if I ask a wierd question?
me: sure
me: i reserve the right to not answer
notawkward: of course, but this is an easy one. I was just wondering if you where surprised that your presence is missed in the artistic community. It sounded like surprise to me, but that might just be the internet
me: i was/ am surprised, yes
me: life goes on, ya know? didnt think anyone noticed me gone
notawkward: ah, then may allow me to make an observation, I wonder if you sometimes sell yourself short to yourself at least
me: i'm game, go on, you've got my attention
notawkward: oh, I just remember first thinking that from one of your other posts, and it seems to me that no matter what the emotional self feels like thinking, it's important that at least the inteelectual self recognize our value. The emotional self will catch up eventually. That's my theory at least
me: =)
me: then my intellectual self is alone and focused
me: my emotional self is paralysed
me: i'm strangely okay with the arrangement
notawkward: yeah, I know that feeling well. I figure the emotional self catches up eventually.
notawkward: well that was my random moment of lucidness for the week, I'm going to bed
me: haha
me: thanks
me: notawkward, you know, it means alot to me.

Sunday, October 23, 2005

Only I don't quite Love him

DateFinder: Hot Theater Man Love = HTML
DateFinder: can't belive you missed that!!!

I can't believe I missed that, either. Actually, I can, because I don't love him, so the idea never entered my head. Should I entertain the idea?? Hrm...

; )


< edited to add > Hot Theater Tech PERSON = HTTP
Beat THAT, DateFinder!

Saturday, October 22, 2005

what was that?

So I walk in, and it's all married couples and me.
What was that?
That's an exaggeration.. I think there were three unmarried guys there, me, another girl, and two people who may as well be married but aren't official yet. Everyone else was a parent or a member of the household.

I got to see some people I havent seen in a while, though. I left early, which was good.

Eh. Maybe the event's purpose was miscommunicated to me.

Singles night that was not.


i'm so happy

I got a text message this morning from... I have to think of a name for him... Wow, this is harder than I thought... What name do I make up for a person who was such a good actor at playing evil that he gave me nightmares for two weeks until I met him a year later at a party I ended up hooking up with a man who would later become my fiance and then I found out that scary guy wasnt so scary and REALLY HOT and we all stayed up watching Angus until he fell asleep and then FirstLove and I made out but two years later (four years ago) that fell apart because I made it fall apart and this year he looked me up & emailed me and now we're getting to be good friends? What do I call him? Hot Theater Tech Boy? Hot Theater Tech MAN. HTTM.

Okay so HTTM texts me this morning with a generic how are you, hope you're okay, and it made my morning. I'm not okay. I'm in a ton of pain, but it was nice to know that he still checks in on me. Which made me think of the other people that have checked in on me, namely ItsNotAwkwardAnymore, who reminded me that I'm a writer and should be writing. That meant the absolute world to me. This is my vent space, goddamnit and here I shall vent. If I vent about you, that's part of the give & take, isn't it. You read to see what's going on in my life, and if what's going on in my life is you, then you might see you here. If you can't take that, don't read my blog. It's a chance you take. It's also why I protect people's real identities with madeup names.

Anyways, I saw TCP's Choreographer today, completely forgetting that they're rehearsing for Nuncrackers, and we caught up. She lied & said I look good as always, and I laughed and told her briefly about what's been going on in my life. She's still in shock, and got kinda miffed when I said I wasn't doing theater anymore. She was like "What do you mean you're not performing, [her business partner and her] have been looking for you because we've got some shows coming up" and I explained why and she said to leave this place & go to some real theaters and then I explained futher that I can't perform even if I wanted to, because I can't do my job. I'm emotionally paralyzed, how am I supposed to act with no emotions? I can't even go up or down a flight of stairs without getting dizzy how am I supposed to do jazz & ballet combinations? How can I do my job? I can't. So she told me they're precasting this August Wilson play, (who just HAPPENS to be my favourite playwright of all time who also just recently died) and then we discussed the beauty and poeticness of his death and then I talked about my views on death, which she said was a very functional perspective.

So that made me happy, that she was mad at me for not acting. ItsNotAwkwardAnymore is mad at me for not writing, TCPChoreo is mad at me for not acting... I'm glad. It means my artistic presence is missed in the field. My friends have been calling me to check up on me, which means my presence is missed in their lives. In all, it's very rewarding to have people call you and say "where the hell are you/have you been?"

It's also amusing, cause I came to work and I wasn't smiling. That's all... well aside from the fact that it's raining and thus I have a monster headache... All that was different was I wasn't smiling (unless there was some signal they could pick up on that I didn't know I was sending)... and it reminded me of all the times the guards ask me if something's wrong if all I'm doing is not smiling. The thought of that made me laugh, because it was like if i'm not smiling then something's wrong. I know I just restated the sentence, but it tickles me. That's how often I've got a smile on my face. I smile so much that people worry if I'm not.

I love that.

So, good things happened to me today. Head hurts like a mother, but eh it hurts everyday. So...

Anyways, tonight is singles night. I'm going out of sheer curiosity. Singles night = trap. Don't ever forget it. All they do is throw "singles night" as an excuse to let two people get together under the guise of a party, and if you should find someone and it wasn't part of their pre-established master plan of how the night was supposed to go for their benefit and specifically not yours, they'll gossip about you until they're ruined your good name in light of their own. So I'm going. Sadistic, ain't it? I figure I go & be set dressing, and get the dirt firsthand. I bet there won't even be any good looking guys there. I'm more worried about how I'm going to drive home. So I'm not staying long. I wasn't even going (since I didnt know about it) but mom tells me last night "tomorrow we're going to ___'s house for singles night" and I respond "tomorrow I have a paper to revise" and she comes back with "well, you're still going anyways". So I'm going. But I'm not staying long. The moment I get tired, I'm going home. 'Cause I do not want to fall asleep behind the wheel, driving home from a social mixer meant for other people to get hooked up on a saturday night. Maybe if it was monday I wouldn't mind falling asleep behind the wheel, but a Saturday? forget it. [if you couldnt pickup on that sarcasm... you need help]

And speaking of papers, I now know I am not an overachiever. I think I'm not saying anything new here, but my draft that I cranked out an hour before class landed me a preliminary B for content and C for mechanics. I'm sitting here trying to revise it, and I'm like "why am i Stressing over this? it's a b! that's good! I'm fine with a b." So I might fix the mechanics some but I mean, it's a decent paper. What do I need an A for? I'm not stressing. So I'll revise it since that's the assignment, but I'm not "OMG I NEED AN A" stressing. I got a B on a paper I cranked out an hour before class. That's the accomplishment.

Anyways, that's about everything. I have more, but I'll save it for another day.
=) Besides, I think that's long enough, don't you?

Welcome Back, banaf5h3h. I've missed me.

< editor's note: > I KNOW that the singles night/trap paragraph has a ton of sentence fragments in it. I do NOT feel like revising it. Take some of the periods out in your mind and slice them together to form a flowing phrase that isn't stopped short with a period. Thank you. =)

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Why the hitchhikers guide is always right:

welcome back

It’s Kind of Awkward Now: So, have you given up on your blog comepletly or are you just on hiatus?
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: if so that's too bad, I like hearing what you think about things
me: thanks
me: i havent had the time or topics to write about
me: well... i've been too frustrated to put things into words
me: i'd log in, and stare at the screen
me: it's funny, because i miss my blog too
me: thanks for noticing i've been gone
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: np, it was like part o my weekly routine to check in on you. ... I usually don't have much to write about either, but that's why I draw stuff
It’s Kind of Awkward Now signed off at 11:33:10 PM.
It’s Kind of Awkward Now signed on at 11:33:51 PM.
It’s Kind of Awkward Now: I thought you blogged to get your frustrations out

Sunday, October 02, 2005

falling off the pedestal

i had a wake up call today. i'm not perfect. i met this guy, and he talked me up to a pedestal so much. well he visited me, and he screwed one thing up, but when he asked me about it, the floodgates kinda opened and i looked at everything that went wrong when he visited me. i picked the poor guy apart because i somehow had the right to do it. but i don't. no one does. and he called me on it. so I thank him for reminding me that i'm still a human, and I make mistakes just as much as anyone else... only when i f up, i strike low... and i should have just focused on how he gives the best hugs i've had in a while and how it was nice to see him again.


Monday, September 19, 2005

Just Make Me Over!

i am *so* angry right now.
I am going to give the links, and I'll rant about why it's wrong later.



Abstinence in the Suburb

You know what feels good?
Being single.
Having fun, meeting people, expanding my social network.

It All Feels Good.

I'm actually learning to have fun.

This is fun, right?


Friday, September 16, 2005

Borders Bookstore Man

So, I have a bookclub meeting today at the Borders, and I walk away to try to talk to the manager (who is rather like the wizard of Oz in that he's behind this curtain and no one can talk to him except through intermediate go-betweens)...

Oh yeah, there's this guy who keeps eyeing me. that's sorta important.

anyways I come back to my chair and there's a post-it on my stuff with a phone number on it. So, I faked like I didn't know what it was... I mean, really... Who knows if it was him?

And one of the people I was with in the group said they found it on the ground and put it on my stuff. So... it wasn't him after all. So I tried to find out who it belonged to, and I asked the sound guy for this jazz thing that was setting up and he said, "nope, but I'll take care of it" and crumpled it up & threw it away.

So, Kevin, if that was you...
I did that on purpose.

b, feeling like a cold-hearted bitch

Monday, September 12, 2005

I am not a tootsie roll

So don't lick me to get to my center.

I had a guy try to convince me that I wanted him to go down on me today.
Sample quotes:

"You'd like it."

The others I'd rather not relive.


Thursday, September 08, 2005

I am a blueberry bagel

So I was starving. Hadn't eaten breakfast. So I get offered a blueberry bagel. So I take the offer, and add a thin layer (well, thin for me, I love cream cheese). Then, the following conversation occurred:

"Thank you for the bagel, it is so fresh and delicious!"
"Just like you"
"Oh, no, I don't get fresh."
"No, I meant delicious."



Monday, September 05, 2005

Round One

I went to Giant today, and got asked to be a Boxing Ring Card Girl.

I'm actually thinking about it.

In spite of myself, I'm actually thinking about it.



Saturday, September 03, 2005


The most incredulous thing just happened.
Someone told me what to do.
Not in a constructive, "if I was in your situation, I'd..."
Not in response to my asking them for guidance.

Just out of the blue, their opinon of what I should do.

< backstory >
A friend of mine made a comment to me today that I take other people's emotions far too much into consideration to the point where I'm stifling myself when I get frustrated. She suggested that I work on that. She said "You care too much about other people's feelings, that's why they walk over you. We're going to have to work on that. When I get upset about something, I say so. When [boyfriend] pisses me off, I let him know. He might get mad, but that's how I feel. I have to say how I feel."

While I find her method a bit extreme, it still had some validity to it. I do take other people's emotions too much to heart. And I know a number of people who would agree that I let others walk over me. That's part of why I got this blog in the first place, to have an outlet of the frustration that builds from *not* being able to say what I want to [see the very first post].

I just told a friend of mine what she told me about myself, and he responded with "don't listen to her". What a freaking controlling thing to say. I hadn't asked him for his opinion in the matter. I hadn't asked him what he thought. He was one of the people who agreed that I let people walk all over me in the first place. If ANYTHING, he would have been in agreement with her. Again, maybe not to that extreme, but still, what she said has *some* validity. I need to work on not getting walked all over. That includes sticking up for myself. Granted, that includes tact, and diplomacy, but still...

How can you tell me not to listen to someone? And it's not the first time this person has told me not to listen to someone. They told me not to listen to TBF. And I'd already warned them that telling the women in my family what to do does not go down well. We've got a history of dating controlling SOBs who tell us how to run our lives until they're running them themselves, and we just let them cause we dont want to offend them by having our own ideas.

Well, I have my own mind, thank you. I'd like to be trusted enough to use it.

He didnt even ask me what I thought about what she said. He just jumped straight to the conclusion that I'd adopted her words as my new credo, "fuck you, this is how i feel". That's a little too selfish for my taste. He didn't even ask me, "what do you think about what she said?" Had he asked me that, I'd have said "she has a point, but I can't just tell *everyone off*..."

This is all so goddamn ironic.
I'd actually been holding in something HE said to me, that made me feel uncomfortable, trying to figure out how to bring the subject up with tact and diplomacy, since I need to work on that too... and in worrying about it all day today, she picked up on the fact that something was bothering me and said "you worry too much about other people's feelings." That I needed to let it out and let him know how i felt about the potentially touchy subject. And that if he got mad, it's not my fault, because people are entitled to their emotions, even if they're in conflict. BUT then when I saw the opportunity to bring it up tonight, and I did, in my own way, I saw he'd made a decision that made me feel better thus making bringing up the subject completely and risking an argument unneccesary.

So I dropped it. And got to work on forgetting and forgiving.

Then he dropped the "Don't listen to her".

That set me off. Do not tell me who I can and cannot speak or listen to. I'm not in the army and I'm not a pet in obedience school.

Don't give me commands.

Yes, I see the irony in that statement.

Red flag. Red. Flag.


Sunday, August 28, 2005

I am a Rock. I am an Island

me: otherwise, you're okay?
PianoMan: yes
PianoMan: thanks
PianoMan: and you?
me: no
me: but i will be
me: i'm an emotional wreck that doesnt believe in men anymore
PianoMan: then believe in women
me: tried
PianoMan: you have to pick one
me: i'm definetly a hetero
me: it's just
me: i think that the man that's out there for me isnt here
me: i may need to move to find him, or... better still, may never find him in this world
PianoMan: both are possible
PianoMan: but you have to believe in miracles
PianoMan: through prayer
me: *L*
PianoMan: i'm serious
me: i need to work on myself
PianoMan: maybe
PianoMan: you know better
me: i took this hiatus from men and dating in order to do just that
me: then i ended up almost falling for a guy
me: a frikkin gain
me: but i'm pulling out emotionally before i end up caring too much
PianoMan: i find being alone with oneself helps, to know yourself better
PianoMan: i'm far from it, but i'm working on it
PianoMan: it's going well though
me: =)
me: yeah
me: i just want to build a friend base
me: that's all
me: no intimacy
PianoMan: get involved with the community
PianoMan: service
me: yeah
me: you know, thanks
PianoMan: i'm just trying to give possible answers
me: thanks!
me: seriously, i'd forgotten that completely
PianoMan: try
me: i've just been wallowing in self pity
me: if i try an internet dating service... it'll be eharmony

Lies, Murderball, TBF and ParkPoliceMan

Friday: I lied.
The guard that kinda looks like an overgrown Leprachaun (cute, in a funky way) asked me out and I told him I had a BF. He took it well, and I felt super guilty, but at the same time, i didn't. I mean, saying I have a BF is a quick out, and it can always change later, so it's not bad, but I don't have an answer that says "I don't date co-workers" besides to say that out loud, but I dont want to be rude because then they think you're uppity, and then they won't help me anymore. Anyways, I talked to SciFiGuy and he called me out on my lie. I didn't feel guilty till he called me out. Quote: "You Lied. You don't have a boyfriend. You Lied." So I feel guilty about telling the Leprachaun that, only I dont know how to fix it now. Do I tell him the truth? I dont think so. I think one day, I'll just say "it feels good to be single" and he'll get it. only then he might ask me out again...


I just want contacts. Right now, all I want to do is develop my friend base. Can I do that?

Saw Murderball.

It's been two months since TBF and I hung out, and we still haven't really hung out. It's okay. I'm just suffering from TBF withdrawal, that's all.
Anyways, that was friday night. Next up for TBF and I is to see Baxter.
I'm kind of scared to see that movie... cause it pretty much sums up my fear of what would happen if B---- came back into my life. Maybe I'll buck up & see if this movie has any tips for me.

Murderball cemented my desire to reinstate the DC area murderball team.
I'll get to work on that when my schedule gets into it's rhythm.

In other news, ParkPoliceMan and I talked on Saturday. I updated him with all the catcall stories, and he said (I'm skipping a lot) I needed to work on my internal confidence. He said when I get the internal confidence, that's when guys who are trying to get with me will trip before they ask me out, and say something to the effect of "i need to have my sh** straight before I ask this girl out"

That's what I want. I want a man who has got his sh** straight. It's funny, because I told TBF that on friday, that I wanted a guy who had his act together. I guess that that isnt quite fair, since I don't have my act together 100%, but I'm working on it.

What peeves me the most is the guy that gets my attention, promises me alot, fills my head with dreams, gets me to believe him, and then can't back any of it up. No. I take that back. That's a secondary peeve. The primary peeve is a man with no ambition.

That's a waste. You need to have a dream. A dream that I can believe in and help you achieve. But I will not be your motivation. If just wanting to be with me isnt motivation enough to get your act together, don't come around. Don't fill my head with empty promises, cause in the end, you're just like everyone else.

I want that guy, who thinks, "I have to have my sh** together before I can approach her".

That's what I want. 'Cause I'm working on my sh**. You need to be working on yours.


Saturday, August 20, 2005

it doesnt hurt anymore

You know, throwing yourself at someone, and getting rejected doesnt hurt as much anymore.

Thank, TBF!

what ever happened to...

Does anyone remember silverchair?
What happened to them??


Thursday, August 18, 2005


I just read that jason mraz is a smoker.

< cries into pillow >


Wednesday, August 17, 2005

10 things i hate about you

So this has been running through my mind, the scene where julia stiles reads the poem. i saw the movie years ago, and that scene and i think two more are the only ones i remember. But that poem has been on my mind, so i found it (well, the entire movie script) online at I post the cut & pate job below for your enjoyment.

I hate the way you talk to me/ and the
way you cut your hair/ I hate the way
you drive my car/ I hate it when you

She pauses, then continues

I hate your big dumb combat boots/ and
the way you read my mind/ I hate you so
much it makes me sick/ it even makes me

She takes a deep breath, and looks quickly at Patrick, who
stares at the floor.

I hate the way you're always right/ I
hate it when you lie/ I hate it when you
make me laugh/ even worse when you make
me cry/ I hate it that you're not
around/ and the fact that you didn't
call/ But mostly I hate the way I don '
t hate you/ not even close, not even a
little bit, not even any at all.

She looks directly at Patrick. He looks back this time.
The look they exchange says everything.

Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains
in stunned silence.


stop this ride i'm getting off

everybody just stop.

Just because I think I might be interested in someone, it does not mean that i'm madly passionately in love and i've taken leave of all my senses.

It just means that I think I might be interested in someone.

leave me the f*ck alone.

I need space

I need to think.

Leave me the f*ck alone.


I thought that was what I was doing in the first place...

Datefinder: correction: don't say your single and happy unless you're saying it to a guy you're after, that way you'll appear strong and confident, instead of needy and unsatisfied

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

I'm single and unhappy

Datefinder: say you've got said "something"
Datefinder: what now?
me: something?
Datefinder: the spark
me: what about it
Datefinder: what do you do once you have it?
me: nothing
Datefinder: no
Datefinder: that is when you do the discover/develop bit
me: no, that is when you run & hide for cover
Datefinder: oh please
me: !!!
Datefinder: this is why your still single
me: i know
me: i'm not complaining!
Datefinder: So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. But that's just it! That's the problem, because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing, which bothers me.
Datefinder: not complaining at all
me: what's your point
Datefinder: don't say your single and happy
Datefinder: cuz your not

gloworm, or, I thought the first rule of Fight Club was...

Datefinder: yes, you glow
me: you havent even seen me
me: how do you know i glow
Datefinder: I've seen it
me: oh?
Datefinder: altho I've only seen you at neby and green acre, where everyone tends to glow
me: right, so that really doesnt count
me: besides, how do i glow then
Datefinder: I need to see you not glow
Datefinder: for comparison
Datefinder: :P
me: har
me: okay so define glow
Datefinder: eh? do you not know, or just want my own defintion?
me: your def
Datefinder: "walking on air"
Datefinder: always smiling
Datefinder: someone you can just tell is thinking of something else
Datefinder: something happy
Datefinder: So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night
me: ooh, throwing a quote in my face
Datefinder: I can read the glow from here
me: < rolls eyes >
Datefinder: haha
Datefinder: I'm not totally incompetent
me: i dont mean to imply you are
me: i just dont see the glow is all
Datefinder: the glower rarely does
me: okay if i'm such a glower, how come i havent been nicer to you?
me: how come i'm not all "life is wonderful"?
Datefinder: because your brain and you heart are going in diff directions
me: okay, dr. phil., your turn
Datefinder: the purpose of our relationship to analyze each other?
me: i dont think so
me: but you seem to be on a track, so go ahead
Datefinder: just checking
Datefinder: ok,
Datefinder: it sounds like
Datefinder: you've found someone
Datefinder: so you do all the normal things people do when they've me someone special
Datefinder: but
Datefinder: your afraid of...a lot of things
Datefinder: ie: your practice of sabotaging relationships
Datefinder: so you heart says yes and your brain says no
Datefinder: your heart glows
Datefinder: and your brain denies it
me: go on
me: i accept all you've said so far
me: do you offer a remedy?
Datefinder: ha, well, its all in your head
Datefinder: think you need to figure out what your afraid of
me: i'm scared of... having someone fall in love with me
Datefinder: why on earth could that be bad?
me: because what if i'm not in love with them?
Datefinder: isn't that the purpose of a relationship?
me: to have it be one sided?
Datefinder: to discover or develop love for each other?
me: i'm tired of hurting people
me: a relationship is doomed when it's one sided
Datefinder: well
Datefinder: they often start that way
me: when one person pours all this affection?
Datefinder: eh, maybe not often
me: i mean... i really like this guy back
Datefinder: yeah thats bad
me: but... my head is just saying that it's moving way too fast, or that it's not serious
me: i'm very weary of giving my heart to anyone
Datefinder: your afraid he likes you more
me: i'm afraid he's in love with me
me: and i'm afraid of loving him back
me: and i'm afraid that he's only kidding about being in love with me
me: so then i go and love him
me: and it's all one big joke
Datefinder: why don't you establish where you (<-plural) stand
Datefinder: “because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing”
Datefinder: clear things up with him
me: i'm too scared to find out what the answer is
me: i'm scared i might actually like him the same amount
Datefinder: do you want to be single forever?
me: no... but
me: but
me: ...
Datefinder: waiting
me: < nothing comes out >
Datefinder: well then
Datefinder: answer that first
me: no
me: no, i do not want to be single forever
Datefinder: just not yet
me: well... there's nothing i want to do that can't be done with a family
Datefinder: you mean your current family? mom dad sis etc
me: i mean a husband and kids
Datefinder: ok
Datefinder: but
me: there's nothing i want to do that can't be done with them... like, you know how people want to travel the globe... that's hard to do with kids
Datefinder: right
Datefinder: but
me: backpacking is easier with one
Datefinder: there's a lot of things that can't be done without them
Datefinder: and it sounds like you want them
me: kids?
Datefinder: the family thing
me: i didn't, but i'm kinda open to the idea of having his
Datefinder: how romantic
Datefinder: but what about him?
Datefinder: is marriage on your list?
me: mariage in general, or specific with him?
Datefinder: in general
me: yes
me: i like the romantic ideal of marriage
Datefinder: ok,
Datefinder: so
Datefinder: this is gonna sound very familiar,
Datefinder: but
Datefinder: are you ready for it?
me: yes and no
Datefinder: ha, perfect
Datefinder: did I know?
Datefinder: spill it
me: the only reason "no" is because i havent finished my degree
me: barring that, yes, i am ready
Datefinder: lol
me: the degree and the desire to live by myself are the only hurdles
Datefinder: I gave you a nearly identical answer to that same question
Datefinder: and you didn't buy it
Datefinder: I think a little less "tough" and a little more "love" are in order
me: like i said, dr phil
Datefinder: so
Datefinder: after all that
Datefinder: we're in the same boat
Datefinder: life is silly
me: if whoever wants to marry me before i graduate, i'm all for it
me: _I_ don't want to get married until i graduate
Datefinder: _I_ dont' want to get married until I'm out on my own
Datefinder: well
Datefinder: I have to go to fight club
me: k.
me: i'll be here when you get back
Datefinder: I shall return

My Jolly Smile

So... today, I took my usual route, and there was a new guard who was trying to not let me in. Then another guard said, "no she's okay. it's okay. you just didn't recognize her because she wasn't smiling."

I thought that was nice.

Then, someone made an observation: "you've been jolly lately"
"yeah, you've been happy lately, what happened? You have a boyfriend or something?"
"uh, no, no boyfriend."
"oh, I thought you had a man or something, because you've been glowing"
"glowing?? OMG!" I had to laugh at that. Glowing. People, please. There are things I don't do. Glow and Blush are among them. Glowing is for pregnant people.

That was the second reference to a boyfriend today. The first one was when someone heard me answer the phone, "hi, honey". If you know me, you know I answer my phone in one of three ways "hi, honey," "hello?" and "this is banafsheh, how can I help you?"

Anyways, so this guy commented on the "hi honey" and was all, "who was that, your boyfriend?" and I had to say "i dont have a boyfriend." At least this guy was slick and found out that I was single the covert way. He's from... pakistan, i think. He's good people. I'll call him Frozen Justice, cause he's pretty chill. My friend has the hots for him. Either she has the hots for him, or she just thinks he's cute and likes flirting with him. Either way, I'm not really interested in him, although he at least manages to approach me in the right way. Covert. I like covert. The full frontal assaults don't really get me. Anyways, I respect this guy for how he managed to find out I don't have a boyfriend. Good job, Frozen Justice.


Monday, August 15, 2005

Spirituality, Religion and My Body

No, this is not a pro-choice post.

I consider myself a Spiritual person. I'm not terribly religious, I'm not completely deepened in my Faith, but I am very Spiritual. I understand that there are two paths in this world, the physical, and the spiritual, and lately, I'm tried to turn from the physical and focus on the spiritual. I wasn't really getting anywhere when I wanted to live life my way, so I've handed the reins over, so to speak, and now I go on Faith.

That said, that does *not* mean that I am not tested to return to the dark side. I've been tested thoroughly today. It's funny. If I chose the physical path, I know of at least 3 people who would be ready and willing to jump my bones. And, if I was that kind of girl, I'd prolly have done that with all three of them by now.

But the reality is, I *choose* the Spiritual Path. I *choose* to supress those physical insincts in favor of the Higher Path that we all ultimately succumb to. But just because I choose to not "give in to temptation" does not mean that I am not just as tempted as the next person. It also doesnt give permission to other people to test me out. That's really cruel.

Lately, people have been pushing my buttons, actively trying to get me to change my mind about certain life choices I have made. I end up being caught somewhere in the middle... Yes, I like the attention, but no, I don't like the sexual nature of the attention. Hearing people just want to have sex with you gets old. What about the people who want to get to know me and care about me?

There must be a way to get nonsexual attention from men.


when molesters attack

okay so there's this guy, and i was stepping into an elevator. he asks me how old i am.
"damn, that's old." Now at this point, he's already lost my attention. Whatever compliment you *thought* you were giving me, you screwed it up completely.
"why, how old did you think i was?"

THANK GOD the doors closed before I had a chance to say something. I had to take a moment... I mean, I know I look young and all that, but do you realize you just put yourself out there as a pervert? So... you only talk to 17 year olds, you dirty scumbag? FREAKING PERVERT!

Now, everytime he sees me, he says "19, huh?" At least he finally settled on a legal age. I mean, GEEZ. It was getting gross for a while.

Seriously, do men listen to themselves? Do they understand how they make themselves look... like PERVERTS????

And then people wonder why women say they hate men.


Saturday, August 13, 2005


For all those of you who are actively trying to ensnare me into a committed relationship, stop it.

For all those of you who are actively trying to sleep with me without the confines of a committed relationship, stop it.

For whoever is left over that just wants to enjoy my company either on a 1-1 or in a group, this does not apply to you. You're doing fine. Having plutonic and professional fun is great. I know where I stand at all times, and it's clear cut.

As far as the people who want to sleep with me, while i appreciate honesty, there's a point when it becomes crass and disgusting. That is the point where you need to back off. I get the picture. I know what you would do to me if you got the chance. But you're not getting the chance. Leave me the F*CK alone.

Now, for the people who are trying to get me into a committed relationship... Look. I don't know what I want right now. I'm in the process of figuring it out, and that's because I'm finally single. And I *like* being single. I haven't been this single since before I even learned that there was a difference between boys and girls. I'm not saying that you'll never get me into one... I'm just saying that I'm scared of finding mister right. There I said it. I'm scared of finding Mr. Right. Actually, that's not it. I'm scared that... omg, I have no idea how to say this at all. I'm scared that this guy I like likes me way more than I like him, or that he likes me more than I'm allowing myself to like him back... but the reality is that I haven't known him long and while i'm probably reading WAY too much into everything I still have that trusty old firewall up, and I'm scared of hurting him just like i've hurt everyone else. I mean, I have NO IDEA how he REALLY feels about me, and I'm too scared to find out, because what if he *does* like me more than I like him... won't that be awkward? I mean, sure, I can see myself spending my life with him. Yes, I can do that. But I mean, I think he went and started... I mean... well...

I'm still single, aren't I?

Aren't I???

So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. But that's just it! That's the problem, because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing, which bothers me. I don't understand any of this. I want this feeling in my stomach to go away. I want to be friends with him until I can figure out what is going on, because honest to God, everything feels like it's moving so fast... it's like a cyclone... One day we're picking out honeymoon destinations, the next day he's looking up housing, and the day after that i'm going out with my friends like nothing happened. This is too much for me. I know that I do NOT want to be someone's girlfriend. I've made that abundantly clear. It's like... its like my heart and body decided that my head screws everything up so it'll make the decisions without it and now my head is like "wait a minute! how did we get here? what happened?" I think my head needs to drive for a while.

I dont want a boyfriend... What the hell is going on?

ParkPolice Man & other news

ParkPoliceMan will be here soon.
It was so cute, he called me to see if I was going to be here while he's working a gig, and I said I would not be, but I think we might actually be able to meet up for 15 minutes or so...

I told him I was hungry and that he should bring me lunch. Then he asked me if I was using him for money and i said "yes now are you bringing me lunch or not?"

He's never called to see if I was going to be here before. I wonder if he's feeling okay. Maybe he wants to tell me about his horse, since he's moving to the mounted police force... Maybe he wants to tell me all about his... shall we say... exploits...

Who knows. I'll send an update if it's good. Most likely he'll spend the entire 15 minutes trying to tell me about myself, or as he sees me. If he even comes within 15 minutes.

Anyways, I'm supposed to go see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory tonight with Kendric. I'm not entirely sure who all is going, or what time, or if we're even still going, but that was the plan.

Tomorrow, mom and I are going to the Native American Powwow at the MCI center. At least, that's the plan. Who knows these days, with these gas prices... Eh, well, that's why there's the Metro.

Yesterday, I helped TBF move... well, he says I helped, but I dont really think I did. Helping is when you move the boxes onto the Uhaul, or off of the Uhaul... I just helped him pack. Maybe I did help just a little, but it didnt feel like much. Then we discussed our wills. There are certain things I want when he dies, and there are things he can have if I die, only I forgot what I told him he could have. I'll prolly call him later so I can remember what it was. I know one was my THX-1138... but I think there was some more stuff. Oh well. I'll remember later.


the only exception

me: have you read the blog lately? i need your opinion
TheBesu: not in the past couple of days
me: k, when you read it, lemme know
TheBesu: ok, so my opinion about what?
me: am i insecure or not, or am i justified in saying this is a respect issue
TheBesu: it is, in marriage,yes
me: thank you. my point is specific to the marriage part, or heavy relationship period
TheBesu: there are only a couple of mitigating circumstances though
TheBesu: even a heavy relationship period is not a reason to be upset
me: i just think, when you're married, you're MARRIED, thats when you dont go to nudie bars anymore
TheBesu: right. true
me: that's all i'm saying
TheBesu: unless its a good friends b-day, in which case, i'd invite my wife
me: i love you, besu
TheBesu: if she didn't wanna go, too bad, cause im goin
me: that's fair
TheBesu: for example, my ex-gf got all insecure when i told her i was going
TheBesu: but it was my bro's 30th b-day
TheBesu: so i'm not going to refuse to go
TheBesu: plus, she was only a gf
TheBesu: most belief systems only condemn action within the sanctity of marriage
me: did you invite her, as specified by your earlier im?
TheBesu: she was in nj
TheBesu: not possible
me: all i'm saying is once you're married...
TheBesu: and my brothers both had their gf's
TheBesu: but yeah, marriage + no other circumstances = no strip club
The Besu: marriage + no other circumstances + strip club = disrespect
me: thank you.

Friday, August 12, 2005

It's all in the purpose of the visit

This is something that I've held in for almost three days now... It was one of those "pick your battles" things... and, well, I just can't let it go...

Okay, so I was talking to a friend of mine recently, and the subject of Strip Clubs (ie, men going to them after they're married) came up. I gave my standard answer: If my significant other feels the need to go to a strip club, then I'm either somehow not doing my job, or somethings wrong in the relationship department.

He responded with "that's so insecure! so long as he comes home to you, what difference does it make?"

A BIG difference.

When a dude is single, I can understand going to the nudie bar. I still don't like it on a physical vs spiritual priority level, but I can better understand that as when a guy has a girlfriend or is married. At that point, it becomes a respect issue.

He responded with "a man is always going to look".


That really made me mad because it's the equivalent of saying "boys will be boys" which basically means, "let men do what they want, they're never going to change", which is JUST WRONG.

I *understand* that men notice women, the same way women notice men. If *anyone* thinks that just because you're married, that you magically don't appreciate a fine specimen of the opposite sex, they've got another thing coming. I'm not going to magically think that Morris Chestnut isn't hot anymore just cause I'm married. But I'm not going to a strip club to have some guy shake his MagicStick in my face just because of it, either.

There's a difference between *happening* upon someone who is attractive, and *deliberately* going to a place that provides ONE form of entertainment. And *THEN* he had the *NERVE* to say "well, when we go I end up bored anyways"

WTF?! Why are you going then, if it's so all-important, yet such a drag and waste of time and money?

I could understand if it was a party at an ex-girlfriend's house and I got antsy about that and then he called me insecure (he'd better never say that to my face...)and said "remember, i'm coming home to you"; that's justified. 'Cause by then, I'll be his wife and she'll have no chance anyways. Well, she'd better not have a chance...

But this is not the same thing. You're not going to an ex-girlfriend's house for whatever reason, you're going to a topless/nudie bar. It's the purpose of the visit that matters. You're going to *pay money* to have *someone who is not* your wife or girlfriend do God knows what in front of your face.

There is a difference when:
He has a professional relationship with an ex: they went out, but now she's a costumer, and he's a lighting designer, and they're working on the same show. I may not like that he has to go over her house to discuss something, and i might be insecure about that, but that is an example of a time when it would be okay to say "honey, i love YOU. I'm coming home to YOU".


"hey honey i'm going to look at other women dance slowly in front of me, in various stages of undress. Be home by 3 am."

I don't care how long you've been married. That is *not* okay.
He may as well come out and say "honey, you just don't do it for me."
It's the *purpose behind the visit* that bothers me.

So, yes, I have issues with my future whoever saying "I'm going for a night out with the boys" and ending up at one of those establishments. Yes. It bothers me. No, I'm not insecure about it. What is it that you can find there that you can't find at home? If you have an answer to that question, you shouldnt have married me, and if you don't have an answer to that question, there's no need for you to go.

b, who is all fired up now and has lost complete faith in men's ability to control themselves.

ps, that does not apply to TBF and Poppy, whom I quizzed and both said that I am not insecure and that it is indeed a respect issue. And for the record, TBF and Poppy are two very secure males.

[ edited to add: What about the whole "forsaking all others" part in the euro-traditional christian wedding? How can you forsake the others when you pay money to see them naked? /end edit ]

Pepper and Paprika

Are gone...

Mom took them to a lady who was suggested by one of the WildLife places she called. Apparently the lady is really nice and even told mom that if I love animals as much as it seemed to her that I did, that I could go there and she'd train me for some kind of Animal Certification.

So that's cool.

Mom left out the part about their names being Pepper and Paprika, so I'm kinda miffed about that. I'll call the lady on monday and inquire about the certification, then ask how the two baby mockingbirds, pepper and paprika are doing.

she needs to know that they were loved enough to already have names, before she names them... tweety or something...


Wednesday, August 10, 2005

i'm having twins

So... we pull into my driveway, and mom goes "what is THAT?!" at this tiny grey mass under a tree. Turns out, it's a baby bird. So I put it in a shoebox, and take it to PetSmart thinking "it's PetSmart. they'll know what to do!"

What I *should* have thought was, "Man, them bamas in Oxon Hill don't know sh*t. Lemme take this bird to Largo or Alexandria."

So... After getting to petsmart in Oxon Hill, I came right back home, where mom informed me there was another one under the tree.

So now there's two. Tentatively, their names are Pepper and Paprika. They're so young, they're just skin, shafts where the feathers should grow in, and beak. I should have named them Seymour and Audrey II, cause all they do is say "FEED ME"...

Anyways, I'm going to try to upload pics of them.

I'm also trying to contact Animal Rescue, or WildLife Societies... Mom said she called, but couldn't find anyone who wanted to take them.

After googling a combination of their features, I found out that Pepper and Paprika are two fledgling Mockingbirds.

The most interesting part to all of this is how Harley pays them no mind. We keep expecting him to go after them, but he doesn't. Last night, he just stared at the box where I've got them. He sleeps close to them, I dont know if he's guarding them for security or for himself to eat later on, like "hey humans, I've got dibs on that"

Who knows with Harley, anways.

Meanwhile, pepper and Paprika are driving mom insane. They're hungry, and when they're hungry, they chirp. I can't help that... When I feed them, they stop and go to sleep. So, I dont know what her issue is.

b, always a mother these days

Sunday, August 07, 2005

It turns out to be true

So I was talking with a friend of mine, and she asked why boys don't usually like us smart girls. So I told her, "cause the other girls let them get away with things, and we hold them responsible for their own actions. It takes a special type of man to be able to live with himself and take that."

Then I get home, and I'm talking to a friend of mine, and in the middle of the conversation, he says, "man, I'm going to have to watch what i say around you, cause you hold me responsible for everything I say."

So, it turned out to be true after all.
It freaked me out a little, cause the time between me saying it to her and hearing it from him was just 2 hours.

b, who plans to move to the top of a mountain soon...

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

...and I go under

There's something hypnotic and calming about:

A singer with a sole guitar (I prefer acoustic) or piano as accompaniment.

A solitary piano.
A lone violin.
A sole cello.

There's something about that...
That completely mesmerizes me and brings me down to a place where I can function emotionally.

Now, you can analyse me and make the "wow, that's a whole lot of lonely in that post, there", but I don't care. I've always loved them. They're so... intimate, so... naked. So stripped, so... raw.

It's as if the music that stems from a lone instrument, or a singer/poet/performer with a single instrument... the more basic it is, the more it feels like the person is saying to me, "here I am. As I am. This is all I am. And all I am, I give to you. Love me, because I love you." And I know they love me, because they're sharing themselves with me.

And that is the most beautiful thing there is on the planet. To be able to share yourself with another person.

And when its stripped like that... it's just me and them... and their voice, and their message.

Maybe that's why I love acoustic & unplugged sets so much.

Who knows when it comes to me. I don't even friggin know.


watch out boy, she'll chew you up

I'm a man-eater.

TBF called me a "man breaker" just now. That's what he said:
"let's face it, you're a man breaker".

I don't want to be. I know I used to be, because I never could say how I felt and just FEEL it and have it be okay. I never could just... Go with the flow, as they say... And the second I'd ever start to feel anything real, I'd do anything in my power to destroy the situation. Cause at least then I had control. I knew what was happening, because I was making it happen.

Then, my last boyfriend, I gave up doing that. And TBF (and everyone else) pointed out that he wasn't the guy that I deserved, and then that ended all on its own.

So either way, things end.

I'd like to apologize to all the ex boyfriends I've ever had. I really wasn't nice to you. I'd even like to apologize to the ones I've loved, I was too scared to tell you, so I made your life miserable instead.


That apology looks half-ass, but it's the internet, and I have no idea how to make the internet make my words look how I feel when I'm typing them. I can only say I truly apologize for any therapy I may have had to put you through.

It's another reason I've wanted to remain friends with TBF. Because no matter at what point in our lives I've had a crush on him (off and on throughout the years), I've seen what I do to guys I like firsthand. And frankly, I care too Gosh Darn much about him to put him through that. Its funny. The guys I really care about, and really love, they stay my friends. Cause I refuse to subject them to the horrors of dating me.

And I'm sure it's horrible.

I have to be horrible.

They can't leave you if you leave them first, can they?

Well, I don't want to be like that anymore. I can't keep waiting for a guy who isn't coming back, and I can't keep ruining things that might turn out to be good. Good for right now, good for the moment, or good for forever. But if I stop being a control freak, maybe I'll be able to have more friends that I've dated and it hasn't worked out than people I haven't dated.

I have to let someone get close to me.
And I don't want to.

Because they can hurt me if I let them too close.

Why is this so hard?

This is another reason I put myself on man-ban. Cause I keep wrecking things. I shouldnt be allowed to date again until I can do so without wrecking some poor guy's life.

Okay. So I'm going to stop crying now and go watch Alton Brown.
Whom I love.
Who can never hurt me.


Monday, July 25, 2005

Resistance is Futile

So I talked to ParkPoliceMan today about everything that was so gross that happened to me today (see post: Its Raining Men), and he's breaking down for me why guys are such sleazebags and basically telling me to get used to it cause I'm what they say I am... apparently... whatever.

I just don't see myself as being... sexy... that word itself is so... wrong for me, I think. Anyways. THE POINT was, in the middle of the conversation, he slaps me with, "you're resisting, aren't you?"

Though it was much more a statement than a question... Rhetorical, if you will... anyways, I feigned ignorance, and he wasn't buying it.

"you keep resisting being in a relationship. Why do you keep doing that? One day, you're going to find a man and just be comfortable. You have to work on that."

Then the rest of the conversation was him telling me what about me makes guys think it's okay to get all touchy feely and me rolling my eyes and thinking it's all gross.

But that one tidbit he slapped me with is true. I do resist. I resist a good thing tooth and nail because... it's not going to last. It's going to fail, so why set myself up for heartbreak again?

And those sleazebags who want my body don't matter to me. I want to know, when a person likes me, WHY they like me, and no one can ever answer that. "Cause you have a nice ass" isn't a good answer for me. I need an answer with substance.

So, no. I am not comfortable around men I like. In fact, I am highly UNcomfortable around men I like, or might like, or have the POTENTIAL of liking, because I don't know how to be "chill" and go with the flow. I did that once, and almost got married, and that all went to hell. Since then, no, I have no clue what to do around guys. I'm so upfront usually... and now...

I'm just so...


confused... like... okay... I have no idea if this one guy really really likes me, or if he just likes me the same as he likes everyone else. Like we joke about stuff... well, we USED to joke about stuff, and now I'm getting the impression he's not joking anymore. Which, is oddly okay with me, but still... there's this part of me (okay, big part) that's like... wait, is this still a joke, or are we serious now? And then it's like, let's define this "we" if there even is one, cause I'm starting to get really confused. Like... this ALL started as A HUGE JOKE, only now I don't think he's laughing anymore... I just want clarity. Is he still joking or not. Cause the more this goes on... the more I see potential for pain and confusion and anger or something at the same time that I can see myself start to let go of my fears and inhibitions and stuff.

I just need the confirmation that he's still joking. or even only half joking.
So long as he doesnt do anything rash, or crazy, or dumb, like fall in love with me or something.

Oh, Lord help him if he does. He has *no* idea what he's getting himself into.


it's raining men

and i'd rather stay inside.

ignorant testosterone driven men are filthy pigs.
THANK GOODNESS that I do not surround myself with people like that in my personal life. WHEN did it become okay to walk behind someone & mumble JUST loud enough "hey sexy, you a sexy mama" and actually expect a response?

*AS IF* I'd respond to a grammatically incorrect come-on?


People are disgusting. I had a guy "psst psssssssst" at me today. Then he looked at me like I was a free rotisserie chicken with sides of mashed potatoes, gravy and homemade mac n' cheese, and he hadn't eaten in a week.

Yes, his mouth salivated. It was gross. I had to get out of there.

I'm moving to a convent. Get me to a nunnery.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

a link from youngblood

explaining the relationship ladder system

Friday, July 22, 2005

Home on a Friday Night

PoeticJustice: home on fri night?
me: and yourself?
PoeticJustice: bout to leave to drive down to C'ville
me: cville?
me: where is that?
PoeticJustice: Charlottesville VA where UVA is at
me: aah
me: have fun
PoeticJustice: i will
PoeticJustice: all the football guys are there and you know what that means
me: hot drunk chicks?
PoeticJustice: damn right


Thursday, July 21, 2005


is a many spendid thing.

Is it possible to be in love with the idea of being in love?
I realised that I could totally fall for someone I know. But the reality is, I don't even really know them... So, if I fell for them, I feel like I'd be falling for the IDEA of them, not the real person.

I dont know. I just think maybe I want to believe in men again, and this person is giving me hope.

I also have TBF and TheBesu, who are the two reasons I haven't written men off completely.

But I...
I just feel so dumb.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

he just couldn't do it, captain

and now, a downer:

Scotty died today.

LONG moment of silence.


The other coolest thing that could happen

I checked my messages, and there's a message from someone who plays Quad Rugby...


OMG, Life is SO GOOD.


Friday, July 15, 2005


Manslator: A male who can interpret the male action, thought process, and language into femspeak.

TBF and TheBesu are excellent manslators.


Thursday, July 14, 2005

If you love something, set it free

me: can I confess something to you that you already know but I need to get off my chest?
TBF: sure
me: I’m still in love with FirstLove
me: I think that's why I sabotage my relationships, because I don’t want to be with someone in the event we get back together
TBF: in the event you get back with FirstLove?
me: I think so
me: in the highly unlikely event that I become famous overnight and jay leno or people or matt lauer ask me who my love is
me: I can say publicly, FirstLove take me back
TBF: yea, carrying that around wouldn't really be fair to whoever you're with
TBF: why not just talk to FirstLove again?
me: because FirstLove...
me: FirstLove...
me: FirstLove knows everything, and he moved to CO or wherever and we lost touch
me: so maybe he doesn’t want to be found
me: I immed him a few months ago
TBF: that would soo suck for a guy
TBF: always trying to live up to a mysterious ideal from your past
TBF: what will you do?
me: I’ve gotta try to let go, I think
me: I don’t think I’ve been ready yet
me: I know I’ve used him as a comparison tool
me: I think I can feel that it's going to be time to let that go soon
me: only I’m so freaked
me: I’ve lived with the memory of him for so long
me: I don’t remember how to live without it
TBF: are you afraid of losing his memory, or afraid of relinquishing the hope of being with him again?
me: afraid that the moment I move on, he's gonna walk into my life
me: and I wont be over him
me: I don’t want to be a Lifetime Movie
TBF: ...don't have cable...
me: lifetime's a network for women that has movies about... abusive men and sappy love stories
TBF: ahhh
TBF: I think OutOfTheLoop watches that too
me: it's like a pendulum that swings between Woman who Overcame Abuse and Woman who Fought For Family and Love
me: I don’t watch it
TBF: then how do you know what it's all about?, lol
me: I used to, back when it was cool, and fun
me: it was the only station that showed The Golden Girls
TBF: ahh
me: but then it would follow it up with "She Woke Up Pregnant" and I'd switch the channel
TBF: so its basically like those sappy after school programs for teens that teach you not to do drugs, have sex, be abused, etc
TBF: but for grownups
me: YES!!!
TBF: ahhh, I see now!
me: it's the After Work Special for Women
me: with made for TV movies starring Pink Ranger Amy Jo Johnson
TBF: power rangers
TBF: did you know that they're still around?
TBF: I think that they're on like the 5th or 6th generation of rangers
me: I know
me: wildforce?
TBF: yea something
me: or police something
me: I lost track after wildforce
me: do you think I’m right about FirstLove?
TBF: sounds like you're pretty much right on
TBF: although I’d question if FirstLove was the *only* reason you sabotage relationships
me: the other reason's my parents
me: I know 2/3 of it is them
TBF: really??
TBF: that's a surprising one
TBF: explain
me: I’ve always known that
me: I don’t ever want to have a divorce
TBF: ahhh
TBF: yes
TBF: you mentioned that
TBF: I thought you meant literally your parents
TBF: like them trying to stop you

me: dude, I’m panicking
me: I have freaking nothing to wear sunday
me: I’m still panicking over the fact I have no clothes, and PianoMan just told me there'd be broadway stars there
me: so I’m SCOURING the internet
me: I am going to *cry*
TBF: I’m sure you'll find something fabulous
me: mom thinks she can alter a dress I have
me: but all I can think is "broadway stars + media" > "crap in my closet"

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Who's that guy?

What is it about cocky, arrogant, self-assured men that makes them think that they can just barge into my life, and turn it upside down?

And why is that completely okay with me?


Do they know something I don't know??

I will never be a girlfriend again.
I said that last time, I know, and look at the result of breaking that promise.
So, I say it again. I will not do that to myself again. I will not prematurely promise myself to something that isn't going to work out.

(TBF and The Besu are prolly reading this, shaking their heads and thinking, "yeah, right... just replace "will not" and "will never" with "don't want to").

But anyways. I've been someone's something for practically as long as I can remember. Back in the day, if I wasn't someone's something, I was working on being someone's something.

Then this last fiasco happened, and I said, "to heck with that", and vowed to be single. And you know what? I'm intensely happy with myself, for like, the first time ever in my life. I needed to know who I am outside of being identified as someone else's something or other. Who am I? What do I like? What don't I like? Completely independent of someone else's feelings or similar interests.

I needed to take myself out on a date.

As a result, I've discovered I have options! Options are a very VERY nice thing to have. And really, I am enjoying my options. Some, more than others, but still, the fact that I'm getting out and meeting people is such a great concept that I've never considered before.

I was running out of people I'd gone to high school with.
That's a sadass statement to admit.

Anyways, back to the options.

There's one in particular that I like. In fact, we could say that MAYBE I really like him. But the thing is, I cannot honestly answer if I like him because I like HIM, or if it's because of the attention. But for sure, he can push my buttons.
Oh, can he ever.

The other option is the one everyone teases me about. And by "everyone", I mean, "everyone who doesn't know about option number one". Which is a ton of people. And while I used to have a crush on him, and while he gives me attention, it's only when we're in the same place. He's never called me, he's never sent an email or responded to an invitation, which leads me to believe he's not interested. One of the "everyone else" tells me that he's shy, but I'm not buying it. She said in the car, "he's shy, he's never liked a girl before", which i think is TOTAL BS because that's asking me to believe that in all his 28 years of being in Iran and Europe that he NEVER liked a SINGLE person? But what does she know, anyways, she's 15. She just wants us to get together to fulfill some adolsescent fantasy of hers.

Anyways, they're all like, "God willing, banafsheh, you get married soon" and I'm all, "well, I have to find a husband first" and then that started this whole conversation about men, and how you should look a the inner person, but not completely ignore the outside appearance because you'll have to wake up to them every day for the rest of your life. And then one of the folks in the car says, "I'm completely certain you'll get married soon" to which I replied, "do you know something I don't know?"

I mean, is someone proposing soon, cause I don't know anyone well enough to take the plunge yet. It kinda freaked me out just how sure she was that it was going to happen soon for me. Like, I know that by Iranian standards I'm practically over the hill, but jeez. What did she get that morning, a sign? And why didn't I get the same sign? Can't I just meet people? I mean, JEEZ!!!

I finally got used to the idea of NOT having a man, and meeting people and having unattached fun. Now everyone's ready to pidgeonhole me into eternal committment!


There are more options, but those are the main two that people harass me about. I'll see if there's a third option by the end of this weekend.

Would I like to be married? Yes. Would I like to get married tomorrow? No. Do I like the idea of spending the rest of your days experiencing life with one person? Yes. But I'm not running off to do it tomorrow, and I'm not willing to be a girlfriend again, either.

The way I figure it, I'll just be friends with people until we decide to not be friends anymore.

But I will never be someone's girlfriend ever again.


Monday, July 11, 2005

The coolest thing just happened

So, an OLD friend, as in, we met at a conference ONCE... YEARS AGO... and yet somehow managed to keep in touch who used to live in GA then moved to Japan and now lives in LA pursuing a career in composition, who is FABULOUS and I LOVE his work, and I can never sing his praises enough cause he's awesome... we'll call him PianoMan... anyways, he composed for his friend's short films, and the premiere is this weekend.

So he calls me last night to invite me to the NYC premiere.

How cool is that?

So I immediately said yes, and then upon thought reflected that I have to work on saturday, so I immed him that... but I'm prolly going to take the greyhound to nyc right after work. So I'll miss hanging out with him on Saturday, but we'll chill on sunday, before the premiere. Unless he's super busy being shipped around to all the bigwigs who are going to congratulate him on his fantastic sound even before the thing happens.

So I got asked to go to a premiere!

How freaking cool is that?!


Sunday, July 10, 2005

Mixed Signals Revealed

So, I haven't posted in a while...
Because there's been nothing to post.

I'm worried about my friend Kirsten, cause I saw pics of what the Hurricane is doing to homes down there. I tried calling her three times, but my call woulnd't go through. So... she's on my mind right now.

In other news...

I have a problem. It's not really a problem in that I want it to go away, but I mean, it could develop into someone getting hurt, potentially, and that makes me hesitate.

Basically, I don't give anyone any special treatment. But I've noticed lately, that some of my guy friends have been paying more attention to me, which makes me wonder if they're misinterpreting me.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE ATTENTION... but... I mean... so long as both parties are clear that nothing will develop. I mean, TBF is setting me straight.

me: is it entirely possible for a guy to think that who i am naturally is meant for him alone?
me: like, who i am... can a guy interpret how i am as "i like him"?
TBF: of course
TBF: guys interpret positive engergy with what they want to believe
me: is that typical with women, or is that a banomaly
TBF: banomaly???
TBF: you're so funny
TBF: there is no banomoly
TBF: women send a whole spectrum of mixed signals
TBF: some women have gotten better at straightening out their signals as they become more mature
TBF: the older single guys (40/50+) report that older women don't play nearly as many games
TBF: or rather
me: they're tired
TBF: they've figured out how to send clear signals
TBF: they either send {((~i want you signals~))}, or they send {((~!not interested!~))}
me: but
me: my "let's be friends" signals get a "more than" mixed in somewhere
TBF: banafsheh
TBF: no offense
TBF: but your {((!let's be friends!))} signals look like {((~i want you signals~))}
me: that's my problem
me: i know
me: this sucks

Basically, TBF says that guys like me because they think I want them.

TBF: banafsheh
TBF: no offense
TBF: but your {((!let's be friends!))} signals look like {((~i want you signals~))}

me: i'm pretty clear i think though, arent i? when i want something?
TBF: when you want something?
TBF: when you try to make an {((~i want you signal~))} ?
TBF: not if you've already convinced everyone that {((~i want you~))} = {((!let's be friends!))}
me: i'm trying to say when i like a person, i like them. i treat all the people i like the same. with love.
me: but when i like ONE person ABOVE all, i tell them that.
TBF: then there is no ambiguity for the ONE person
TBF: but what about everyone you treat the same?
TBF: what must they be wondering?
me: i don't know
me: here's what i dont understand
me: this may be completely a no brainer for other people, normal people, but i dont get this
me: how do you have friends you don't love?
me: when i make friends, i bring them into my inner circle. they become my family. i cook for them, i've even been known to iron their shirts on occasion, i care for them when they're sick, i drive miles out of my way to have a meal with the ones who are out of town and say "hey, I'm in dc, can we hang for a few hours?"
me: are you telling me that people don't do these things for their friends?
TBF: not at all
me: then WHY pray, is it magically different with me?
TBF: its just that all those things are the same things that a guy looks for in a relationship
inner circle (closeness)
cook for them(shared kitchen)
iron their shirts on occaision(helpfull)
i care for them when they're sick(nurturing)
i drive miles out of my way to have a meal with the ones who are out of town(self sacrificing)
me: don't all girls do that?
TBF: no
TBF: not at all
me: i thought everyone did that
TBF: only if she's paying special attention to the guy
me: that's why the guys think it's just for them!
TBF: example
TBF: 9th grade
me: oh lord...
TBF: julie work bakes cookies for seth = julie likes seth
TBF: she didn't bake cookies for everyone in the whole class
TBF: she baked cookies for seth
me: so what do girls do when they're just friends with a guy?
TBF: probably more stuff in groups
me: i do stuff in groups
TBF: in our society 1v1 attention is genrerally bound to be interpreted as interest
TBF: think about what guys are taught
TBF: "How do I know if a girl likes me?"
TBF: "Well son..., does she spend a lot of time with you?, Does she talk to you a lot?, Does she do special things for you? These are the signals that let you know that she is seeking your attention and she likes spending time with you."
TBF: all guys are taught this
TBF: i think there's no way getting around it
TBF: if you spend 1v1 time with a guy there's always a risk that he will start liking you
me: then why don't you invite me to more group stuff
TBF: cause i thought we had a special understanding
me: go on
TBF: that we could be friends without following the typical rules
TBF: everythign we talked about
me: that my signals would be interpreted as friends signals
TBF: exactly
TBF: isn't that what you wanted?
me: yeah
me: i was still wondering
me: cause
TBF: then... we're ... cool right?
me: yeah, we're cool! I just mean
TBF: i was just wondering why you're bringing this all up now
me: i think i was starting to project our understanding on all men
TBF: nope
me: since you're really the only guy i regularly hang out with, i assumed that it was true for all men
TBF: you need a special MOU for each guy if you want to spend 1v1 time with them
me: mou?
TBF: oh sorry govt term
TBF: memorandum of understanding
me: oh

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Guard 2: an update

So, I hadn't seen The Guard in a while, and I was wondering...

Then, today, I saw him, so I was all nice and said "Where have you been?"
Then he called me over to where he was and was like, "can I talk to you for five minutes?"

He asked me for my number.

I said no. (!!!)

I told him that I'm not in the habit of giving my number out to strangers, but that If he wanted to do that lunch as planned last week, that it was okay.

I like to think I'm a woman of my word; if I say I'll do something, I will. I also expect this from other people. That's why I tell boys careful the things they say, cause I'll hold them to it.

Anyways, so they changed his hours, which is why I haven't seen him any of the times I avoided his stations. Which is good, cause I have less avoiding to do.

The Besu thinks The Guard wants The Booty.

I just want a free lunch.


London Bridge is...

So, I'm driving to work, and I hear on the radio that there's been a bombing of the London Tube system.

The DJ, Elliott, says that it's in effect, England's 9.11.
Then he gets this caller who basically says that there's NO WAY that this could be like 9/11, because this is so small in comparison, blah blah blah.

Another lady calls right after to dipute the other commentor, & says something to the effect that mentalities such as this is precicely why the rest of the world hates us. She was like, "that's so selfish to think that we are the only ones who feel shock," etc. Another caller said that "this isn't a popularity contest" and that an act of terrorism is an act of terrorism.

Elliott pointed out that the English are so reserved by nature anyways, that this is way bigger to them than they're letting on, expecially since (at the time) the tubes were still blocked.

I agree with those who said the first caller's opinions were trite. England's way smaller than the US as well, and that should be taken into consideration.

Besides, I have people who are going to Europe, and now I have to worry about their safety.

Stupid terrorists. Aren't you supposed to bomb stuff if you want attention to a cause that isn't receiving any? To make some desperate point? Like, "you are holding political prisoners. we will shoot a hostage an hour until you release them" isn't that what terrorists do? Aren't they supposed to have "reasons" for killing people? What is their reason?

This is all so darn senseless!


Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This


I had the weirdest night last night.

Mom made me help her bake these persian cookies, since someone told her to teach me how to cook Iranian food. So, it turned into this ordeal, because the recipe (which I was reading in Farsi, btw) is all in grams. So, we had to convert it from grams to ounces, and then ended up with a batter that was WAY too runny, so we spent an hour trying to thicken it up, and even after sifting a whole other cup of flour in it, we still ended up making raisin crepes. One batch we decided to turn into brownie squares, since the batter was running together anyways.


Anyways, in the midst of it all, between making her a frame and mat for a poster she has to baking what was supposed to be raisin cookies, I got a message on my cell phone. So I listen to it, and my mom hits me from left field with,

"banafsheh's in love!"
so I said,
"Excuse me? What the hell?!"
and she said,
"I havent seen you act like this in a long time"
and I said,
"What?! Act like what?"
and she said,

Then for the next three hours, she teased me with "you-re i-in lo-ove" like a freaking third grader.

WTF?! I AM NOT. I might be in like, but I'm certainly not in love.

Maybe my vagina's fixed, and she was catching on to the glow.

Gosh, has it been that long?

I don't think I'm acting any differently. Maybe I'm finally happy with myself. Why should someone else get all the credit? Why is it automatically assumed that there's someone else if I am happy? Even if there was someone, which...
there's not...

Why can't I just be happy?

And who said I'm happy, anyways?

Stupid cookies.


Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Double Stuff Oreo

Is staring at me.
It wants me, and I want it.
It's calling me.

Do I answer?

And now, an Oreo Haiku

Oreo, my love
delicious with two percent
dunk, or twist? dunk... dunk...

I haven't had a doublestuff oreo in about forever. It's been too long.

TBF wrote this oreo haiku, and by "wrote," i mean, "changed the last line":

Oreo, my love
delicious with whole milk
dip and hold to melt

He's such a genius.

In other news, I got asked out today!

2-ply or not 2-ply

What is with 1-ply bathroom tissue? AURGH!!
I had to go yesterday, and when I got to the bathroom, there was a roll of 1-ply. I felt so... neglected. Like the comfort of my derriere was not of concern for these folks. Besides, I'd have to double or triple up, which made me feel like I was furthering the advancement of the destruction of the Rain Forest.

Then I thought about it.

If I doubled up on 1-ply, doesn't it then become 2-ply? Am I saving paper by doubling the 1-ply, since I'd just end up doubling the 2-ply anyways? But then, with 2-ply, the number of squares desired to double is less because of the absorbent nature of the 2-ply, than the perception of the Kleenex-factor of the 1-ply, therefore, the hypotesis is scientifically stated as:

Does the social perception of varying absorbent nature of 2-ply over 1-ply cause subjects to use more squares in doubling 1-ply than subjects would double with 2-ply, and is this perception justified and correct?

So... If I think "man! 1-ply! This sucks!" and triple up 5 squares, I've used 15 squares. But If I think, "2-ply, sweet!" and double 3 squares, I'm using 24.

So, it *is* all in perception, isn't it? Those 1-ply freakzoids are economically and environmentally sound.

I'm still not going to buy 1-ply, but at least now I know that I have a hand in the destruction of our Earth's resources.


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Sleep & Reflections

Okay. I am beyond exhausted. I've been sleepwalking the whole day through. Aurgh.

In other news, I've been contemplating stuff Trusty Best Friend said to me. Last night, when I found out the group would consist of Trusty Best Friend, Youngblood & myself, I was happy because I'd be the only girl, and I like being the only girl in the group. TBF picked up on that, and called me on it. I told him that I have enough estrogen to combat the testosterone in a any group of males. Also, I just can't hang with other girls. I never have, even from the days when they kicked me off the blacktop and I had to play kickball with the boys at recess. I've always been the only girl in the group.

They just want to do girly things, like talk about which guy is hot and makeup and clothes and hair and stuff. That's so external... I care more about what his interests are and who he is as a person and what his potential is. TBF made an observation that I can work with other girls, but only on a 1-1 ratio. I've also made this observation, but was interested in his perspective. He noted that all the girls from HS hate me because they're jealous.

I'm like, *jealous of what?* I'm freaking boring! Have they read the blog? There's nothing exciting going on over here. Anyways. I could accept that they are jealous if I could figure out what the F they're jealous OF.

Anyways, TBF & I have been talking about dating, and how women are like a game, and men are like the players. So, women are like Zelda, and Men are like Link. The player's objective is to conquer and advance levels, while ammassing points, skills, and trinkets which will aid him on his voyage; the game's objective is to limit the player with the introduction of obstacles, loops, and dead ends. Ultimately, the game wants to be conquered, but by someone who is worthy enough to get to the end. Conversely, the player doesn't want to play a game that isnt challenging or stimulating.

TBF is the best. He always manages to break stuff down for me in a language I'll understand.

I speak Metaphor and Analogy fluently.

To think, this all started when I asked him two days ago, "TBF, at what point does a man know he wants to pursue a relationship with another person?" His response shocked me:

"Guys know in the first three seconds."

That's such a shock to me! The way men tend to procrastinate around me, I figured that it just took them a long time to figure me out & decide if they wanted to hang out/go out with me or not. I was all thinking I was mysterious. Jeez.

I love it when TBF busts my ego-bubble. I learn so much about other people.
TBF also gave me some pointers on the new potential guy in my life. TBF basically said to not get my hopes up; that I shouldn't take anything seriously.

Which is good. TBF reinforced what gemini banafsheh was thinking.

First three seconds, eh?


Monday, July 04, 2005

Dream Weaver

Happy 4th of July, everyone.

So, Trusty Best Friend, Youngblood and I went to the Mall. Unbeknownst to us, there was a Folk Life Festival in full swing. So, we naturally migrated towards the large banner that read, "Free Feast", courtesy of the Hare Krishnas.

It consisted of a plate of flavored rice krispies, pasta salad, and a peanut chocolate square, which looked like a piece of meat. I ate the pasta salad, and gave Youngblood the chocolate square.

The Hare Krishna setup made me laugh. They had some good music & dance presentations though.

Then we went to NMAI, which was alright, and not quite what I expected. Then we went to Air & Space, and then to NatHist, where we watched a horrible IMAX movie... Dinosaurs in 3-D. Which made Youngblood and I sick, only Youngblood was already ill anyways, so the 3-D didn't help.

Then we passed an evangelical booth that was giving out water & brownies. You had to take a test of two questions. There, I found out that I was going straight to hell when I die. I'm kinda sore that I didn't get my brownie. Maybe they only give the brownies to people who are going to Heaven. At least, they could have given me the water. That'll come in handy in Hell.

Then we went to sit on The Mall. Youngblood says he's not feeling well & leaves to go home. I got so bored that I decided to channel my Cherokee Ancestors & weave the crabgrass into baskets, which I've never done before. Then this kid approaches me and asks me what I'm doing. So I show him, and he's actually interested in it, so I start him off on one, as does Trusty Best Friend. Then, more kids ask me what I'm doing, and I tell them. So then we look over to KidOne, who is REALLY working hard at making his basket. Then he'd given the other starter basket to his sister. His mom catches my eye & mouths, "thank you". It was cool, bonding with some random kid who was interested in weaving a basket out of the crabgrass on the Mall.

I still have the basket I made.

Friday, July 01, 2005


Rest In Peace, Luther Vandross.


Grammy award winner Luther Vandross, whose deep, lush voice on such hits as "Here and Now" and "Any Love" sold more than 25 million albums while providing the romantic backdrop for millions of couples worldwide, died Friday. He was 54.

Vandross died at John F. Kennedy Medical Center in Edison, N.J., said hospital spokesman Rob Cavanaugh. He did not release the cause of death but said in a statement that Vandross "never really recovered from" a stroke two years ago.

I'm in love

I am *so glad* that HP has kept him. He makes me happy.

The Geico Man makes me happy too. I'm even more glad that he got picked up by NetFlix.

They make me so happy!!!

And now, for something completely different.

I watched a batman movie today... like a fanflick. I can't find a direct link, but follow the process and you can see it for yourself.

1. click this link, or copy it to your web browser.
2. Click any of the blue "clip" links. Let's use "Clip: What implications are you making?"
3. In the MSN Video popup, there's a search box to the left. Type "Batman" and click enter.
4. There's a bunch of batman clips that opens up on the bottom. Click the "Batman: Dead Ends" one. Surprise!


The Guard

So the guard stopped me earlier today.
"what are you doing for lunch?"
"I don't know, what are you doing for lunch?"
"I'll think about it"

So he stopped me again, and asked me what I had decided.
The word going around was The Grill, so I told him that.

"Did you forget about McDonalds?"
This was a sensitive question. No, I didn't forget, but I'm not really interested in going to McDonalds, either. Besides, if you ask me what I decide, it means I have a choice. Therefore...

But he was on break right then, so we couldn't go anyways.
I rain checked.

Besides, I don't care who you are, or where you work, if I don't know you, you're not getting me alone in your car. Period. So... we can walk somewhere for lunch, but I'm not getting in your car, Mr. Guard.

< edited to add: Also... Once you reach a certain... let's say... figure, you ought to reconsider going to McDonalds for health purposes... I mean, do you really need to clog your arteries anymore? Do I? Does anyone? I mean, once you're a certain size, you have to start thinking about eating healthily... Like... Like Jared... go to Subway or something. Anywhere but McDonalds. /end edit. >


Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Buble

So, I'm pretty sure we all know how much I love Michael Buble's sound.
Here's a lyric for you... The song is called, "home". I like that no matter where he is, he'd rather be home.



Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home