Sunday, December 05, 2010

Dear every ex-boyfriend

I wouldn't say it's "you know" as much as "you receive constant and continued affirmations."

When he speaks, it's as though someone's taken my deepest, innermost, private thoughts and breathed life into them. My private aspirations and opinions, my deepest ruminings on the status of current local, national and global events and hit them with a neon light saying, "hey! pay attention! this is important!"

I have been waiting for this my whole life. I have waded through realtionship after relationship. I have bought into other people's visions of what I could be.

I mourned the termination of my last relationship.

The timing could not have been more perfect.

I *had* to break up when I did, so that I would be free to meet him. And, more importantly, free to be open to the possibility of him.

Dear every ex-boyfriend I've ever had,

Thank you. Thank you for making me the woman I am today. For proving again and again that you were not the one for me. Because of you, I know who is.

Most sincerely and with great thanks,


Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Free your mind, and the rest will follow

There is so much going on.

For the next several weeks, I only have one day per week (Thursday) where nothing is planned after 3 pm.

I stopped writing, which used to be my way of detoxifying all my stressors, so this is a nice reminder to return to the outlet that helped me the most.

I met my man's family this weekend. That was such a wonderful experience. They are warm and inviting. I wish my family returns the sentiments to him that his gave to me.

My health is in a downward spiral. I say that very lightly. If you know me, then you know that in 2004 or '05 I sustained a head injury that left me paralysed on the left side of my body for quite some time. I've since recovered fine motor skills, but I'll leave out all the stuff you don't need to know. If you didn't know that, consider yourself informed. Moving on, I basically plateaud on the pain and recovery scale, and along with all the insurance beurocracy and ultimate depression that followed, gave up pursuing any sort of further and future full recovery.

Needless to say, recently, a string of physical clues led me to a hospital stay, which led me to a doctor follow up, which led me to multiple scans, mris, contrast flushes, and more stuff I don't want to know about in the medical profession's search to find out what, exactly, is wrong with me.

My friday looks like this:

9 am Drink 24 ox of water over next hour in order to flood bladder. Don't pee.
10 am Ultrasound: Pelvis. Checking ovaries and kidneys for any issue.
1030 am Ultrasound: bilateral legs. Out by 1230 pm.
1 pm Tablet of Visitation for Commemoration of the Martyrdom of the Bab.
330 pm Round 2. Hooray! Mri of the brain, and then MRI of the neck & shoulders.

Round 1 is for my primary care physician. If she can't see anything, she's referring me to a vascular surgeon to figure it out. Round 2 is for my neurologist, who ordered all this stuff a year ago, and because I chose my job over my health, I never went.

That was such a good idea.

Anyways, I'm tired. Science is observation-driven. If it doesn't show up on the bloodtest, or the x-ray, or the mri, or the ultra-sound, it doesn't exist. I understand this scientific method. I respect it. It doesn't help me, and hasn't helped yet, because all my blood tests come back negative, all my mris scan negative, all my flushes come back negative.

Yet I'm still swollen. I still have headaches. At least the swelling is obvious. A doctor can see the evidence of something that doesn't work properly in my body.

In the meanwhile, I am still working two jobs. I am still participating in work stressors. I am also heavily invested in religious activities, and am on two important committees that require attention, time and focused energy. I'm taking book 5, which is to tutor junior youth groups, and that takes time and energy, and a two-day per week committment, which happens to be two important days that I could be making money. That financial sacrifice is certainly on my mind.

In addition to all of this, I somehow managed to direct a musical, and am now considering returning to the stage. Further, there's a project I've wanted to do for a long time and it's just been gnawing and gnawing at me. I think it's time to begin it. When can I?

There's just a lot going on.

I'm trying to keep everything in perspective.

Anyways, that's my little corner of the world,


Monday, May 24, 2010

Rolling Rolling Rolling

Well, I turned 29 this weekend and it was an absolute blast.
The date saved the day on a number of occasions and at the end of it all, I'm still standing.

Now I go into tech for a show I adore, and I pray that it all comes together well.

We have no time.


Saturday, May 15, 2010

there is so much going on

So many responsibilities. My planner is practically exploding. How do I keep it all straight? How do I keep it all together?

Prayer. Something, cause I somehow manage to get everything (or very possibly nearly everything) done.


Thursday, April 08, 2010

This is nice

Things are clipping along at a nice pace. I got a ton done this morning, a brief workout, made and ate breakfast, made & packed lunch & two snacks, got gas and still made it in to work.

My friend is great. We have a ton in common, and everything he's said he would do, he has. There's no dreaming, there's just realistic possibilities and goals.

So far, I am maintaining my goal of not being someone's girlfriend. I don't feel like a girlfriend. That feels good as well.

Could this be a healthy relationship?


Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Didn't see that one coming. Happy though. Always wanted good things for him. Now, he's got good things for life. I hope it's for life.


Thursday, March 18, 2010

I love my life!

Life's great!


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

little tidbits

The Bear told me last night that he wanted to marry me, and could I hurry up and fulfill my dreams so that he could. He said he's been holding back all this time because he knew that I'd go into mom/wife mode, and give up my dreams to accomodate my new role in my new life.

He's right. I would have.

We are destined to never be together. That is our story, and that's what I told him. He and I will always be. And we will never be.


The Date (he needs a nickname, but this will do for now... Maybe the Nintendo) asked me today to vacation with him for a few weeks in another country.

I said yes.

Less than 24 hours, two very different people, two very different suggestions.

It's amazing what happens when you start living.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Life is Beautiful

I have had the best two weeks ever. Delicious and fun.

I'm having fun!



Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I'm over it

It's funny. I woke up, and I thought to my self,
"You knew he wasn't it for you. Why are you upset that you were right?"

I breathed, and then I felt 75% better.

I'm so much better now.

God created me "Noble," therefore Noble I shall be.


Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Of course he did

Of course he waits until the day after I say he's not coming back and muster all my courage to ATTEMPT to move on to contact me.

Of course he does.

Of course he has a completely civil conversation and tells me he's coming down with a cold.

Of course he does.

Of course he's coming to my job, on the weekend I have to work a show, which I purposefully did NOT work the first weekend for this very reason. Of course he's coming this weekend. The weekend I'm working. And bringing someone I used t ocare very much about until my ex told me the other side to the story and all my notions and love for this friend came crashing down in a few of the worst weeks of my life.

Of course he is.

Of course, now I have to see the both of them, together, and put on a smile which will guard and mask how I truly feel.

Of course I do.

Of course, I will be gorgeous, and hospitable and fabulous.


Monday, March 08, 2010

Shoot, now what do I do?

Everything I'd planned just goes straight out the window.
Regroup, collect, and move forward.

Holy shoot, life just got more exciting!


The weekend

The weekend was interesting. A lot happened, much was accomplished, and in the end, I'm not really in a different place now than I was on thursday or friday. It's okay, though.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that the best thing for me right now is to just stand still. Don't rush into anything, don't jump into anything. Just take this time to work on myself. I hate being alone, but maybe that's the best thing for me.

Face your deamons, and all that.

This is hard. It's much harder than I ever thought it would be. It's ridiculously difficult, and that's okay. I have Faith that I am on *a* path. If it ends here, that's okay. If it doesn't, that's okay too. Just stay on it and see where it goes.

One day at a time, and each day is different. Some days, I wake up with all the determination in the world. Some days I wake up and daydream that he'll have worked out his situation and will come back, so we can be great again. Then I have to think about how I can't compete with the real love of his life, and then I remember why we're not together.

It's not enough to want me to be with you. You have to want to be with me as well.
There is a subtle yet distinct difference. It's there, and the less balanced the scale is between the two sentences, the more unhappy the two parties are.

The only consolation I have is that I tried. I gave it my every atom, and it wasn't enough to break the spell. I am not the one for him. That SUCKS to have to admit, especially because I wanted to be, and for a brief, shining moment, I felt like I was. Reality said otherwise, however.

It's not me. I have to learn that in my heart and get over him so I can move on. He's not coming back. So I have to stop looking back.

I have to start looking in.


Sunday, March 07, 2010

One of these statements is a lie.

You can't cheat when you're single.

I went on a date friday night. For about three hours before I left home, all I could do was feel like I was cheating on my ex. Or the memory of my ex, or something.

I have to let him go. He's not coming back. If he was, he'd have done it already. So, with that in mind, and without turning into the 30 year old depressed single gal, I went on a date.

It was very low-key, I had dinner with a group of people I didn't know, and the best part, it was great. I was completely out of my element, and it was great!

I vow to leave the house more, to meet new people, have new experiences and live more. There are loads of fun to be had outside of my office and house walls.

I will stop waiting for things that will never happen and I will have more fun.

I'm smiling through a broken heart, but I'm still smiling.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Well, a lot has happened.

There's nothing I can say that would make any difference. I've forgotten what this blog is even for, these days you can just tell your friends what you want them to know with a status update.

My life is good. Like anyone, I've seen my fair share of heartache, and I'm still in love with a man I used to be in a relationship with, but that's natural. I'll heal. So will he. There's so much I want to say but he's a private person and I will respect that. The great irony is, I know he loves me, and he knows I love him, but we're not together. I just wish... well, it won't make a difference anyway.

Apart from that, my life is the best it's ever been!

I'll be busy until may directing two plays (one straight play, one musical), work's good, and I've (re)discovered a group of folks I absolutely love hanging out with. Life's lighter around them, not darker. And I definetly want to be in the light.

I hope everyone out there is having a good life. At some point, you have to open yourself up to receive life's blessings. Otherwise, they'll just bounce off of you.

That's all for now.