me: otherwise, you're okay?
PianoMan: yes
PianoMan: thanks
PianoMan: and you?
me: no
me: but i will be
me: i'm an emotional wreck that doesnt believe in men anymore
PianoMan: then believe in women
me: tried
PianoMan: you have to pick one
me: i'm definetly a hetero
me: it's just
me: i think that the man that's out there for me isnt here
me: i may need to move to find him, or... better still, may never find him in this world
PianoMan: both are possible
PianoMan: but you have to believe in miracles
PianoMan: through prayer
me: *L*
PianoMan: i'm serious
me: i need to work on myself
PianoMan: maybe
PianoMan: you know better
me: i took this hiatus from men and dating in order to do just that
me: then i ended up almost falling for a guy
me: a frikkin gain
me: but i'm pulling out emotionally before i end up caring too much
PianoMan: i find being alone with oneself helps, to know yourself better
PianoMan: i'm far from it, but i'm working on it
PianoMan: it's going well though
me: =)
me: yeah
me: i just want to build a friend base
me: that's all
me: no intimacy
PianoMan: get involved with the community
PianoMan: service
me: yeah
me: you know, thanks
PianoMan: i'm just trying to give possible answers
me: thanks!
me: seriously, i'd forgotten that completely
PianoMan: try match.com
me: i've just been wallowing in self pity
me: if i try an internet dating service... it'll be eharmony
Sunday, August 28, 2005
Lies, Murderball, TBF and ParkPoliceMan
Friday: I lied.
The guard that kinda looks like an overgrown Leprachaun (cute, in a funky way) asked me out and I told him I had a BF. He took it well, and I felt super guilty, but at the same time, i didn't. I mean, saying I have a BF is a quick out, and it can always change later, so it's not bad, but I don't have an answer that says "I don't date co-workers" besides to say that out loud, but I dont want to be rude because then they think you're uppity, and then they won't help me anymore. Anyways, I talked to SciFiGuy and he called me out on my lie. I didn't feel guilty till he called me out. Quote: "You Lied. You don't have a boyfriend. You Lied." So I feel guilty about telling the Leprachaun that, only I dont know how to fix it now. Do I tell him the truth? I dont think so. I think one day, I'll just say "it feels good to be single" and he'll get it. only then he might ask me out again...
Well...
I HATE DATING COWORKERS. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN IT.
I just want contacts. Right now, all I want to do is develop my friend base. Can I do that?
Saw Murderball.
*FINALLY*
It's been two months since TBF and I hung out, and we still haven't really hung out. It's okay. I'm just suffering from TBF withdrawal, that's all.
Anyways, that was friday night. Next up for TBF and I is to see Baxter.
I'm kind of scared to see that movie... cause it pretty much sums up my fear of what would happen if B---- came back into my life. Maybe I'll buck up & see if this movie has any tips for me.
Murderball cemented my desire to reinstate the DC area murderball team.
I'll get to work on that when my schedule gets into it's rhythm.
In other news, ParkPoliceMan and I talked on Saturday. I updated him with all the catcall stories, and he said (I'm skipping a lot) I needed to work on my internal confidence. He said when I get the internal confidence, that's when guys who are trying to get with me will trip before they ask me out, and say something to the effect of "i need to have my sh** straight before I ask this girl out"
That's what I want. I want a man who has got his sh** straight. It's funny, because I told TBF that on friday, that I wanted a guy who had his act together. I guess that that isnt quite fair, since I don't have my act together 100%, but I'm working on it.
What peeves me the most is the guy that gets my attention, promises me alot, fills my head with dreams, gets me to believe him, and then can't back any of it up. No. I take that back. That's a secondary peeve. The primary peeve is a man with no ambition.
That's a waste. You need to have a dream. A dream that I can believe in and help you achieve. But I will not be your motivation. If just wanting to be with me isnt motivation enough to get your act together, don't come around. Don't fill my head with empty promises, cause in the end, you're just like everyone else.
I want that guy, who thinks, "I have to have my sh** together before I can approach her".
That's what I want. 'Cause I'm working on my sh**. You need to be working on yours.
b
The guard that kinda looks like an overgrown Leprachaun (cute, in a funky way) asked me out and I told him I had a BF. He took it well, and I felt super guilty, but at the same time, i didn't. I mean, saying I have a BF is a quick out, and it can always change later, so it's not bad, but I don't have an answer that says "I don't date co-workers" besides to say that out loud, but I dont want to be rude because then they think you're uppity, and then they won't help me anymore. Anyways, I talked to SciFiGuy and he called me out on my lie. I didn't feel guilty till he called me out. Quote: "You Lied. You don't have a boyfriend. You Lied." So I feel guilty about telling the Leprachaun that, only I dont know how to fix it now. Do I tell him the truth? I dont think so. I think one day, I'll just say "it feels good to be single" and he'll get it. only then he might ask me out again...
Well...
I HATE DATING COWORKERS. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN IT.
I just want contacts. Right now, all I want to do is develop my friend base. Can I do that?
Saw Murderball.
*FINALLY*
It's been two months since TBF and I hung out, and we still haven't really hung out. It's okay. I'm just suffering from TBF withdrawal, that's all.
Anyways, that was friday night. Next up for TBF and I is to see Baxter.
I'm kind of scared to see that movie... cause it pretty much sums up my fear of what would happen if B---- came back into my life. Maybe I'll buck up & see if this movie has any tips for me.
Murderball cemented my desire to reinstate the DC area murderball team.
I'll get to work on that when my schedule gets into it's rhythm.
In other news, ParkPoliceMan and I talked on Saturday. I updated him with all the catcall stories, and he said (I'm skipping a lot) I needed to work on my internal confidence. He said when I get the internal confidence, that's when guys who are trying to get with me will trip before they ask me out, and say something to the effect of "i need to have my sh** straight before I ask this girl out"
That's what I want. I want a man who has got his sh** straight. It's funny, because I told TBF that on friday, that I wanted a guy who had his act together. I guess that that isnt quite fair, since I don't have my act together 100%, but I'm working on it.
What peeves me the most is the guy that gets my attention, promises me alot, fills my head with dreams, gets me to believe him, and then can't back any of it up. No. I take that back. That's a secondary peeve. The primary peeve is a man with no ambition.
That's a waste. You need to have a dream. A dream that I can believe in and help you achieve. But I will not be your motivation. If just wanting to be with me isnt motivation enough to get your act together, don't come around. Don't fill my head with empty promises, cause in the end, you're just like everyone else.
I want that guy, who thinks, "I have to have my sh** together before I can approach her".
That's what I want. 'Cause I'm working on my sh**. You need to be working on yours.
b
Saturday, August 20, 2005
it doesnt hurt anymore
You know, throwing yourself at someone, and getting rejected doesnt hurt as much anymore.
Thank, TBF!
Thank, TBF!
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
10 things i hate about you
So this has been running through my mind, the scene where julia stiles reads the poem. i saw the movie years ago, and that scene and i think two more are the only ones i remember. But that poem has been on my mind, so i found it (well, the entire movie script) online at http://blake.prohosting.com/bamzone/tenthingsIhateaboutyou.txt. I post the cut & pate job below for your enjoyment.
KAT
I hate the way you talk to me/ and the
way you cut your hair/ I hate the way
you drive my car/ I hate it when you
stare.
She pauses, then continues
KAT
(continuing)
I hate your big dumb combat boots/ and
the way you read my mind/ I hate you so
much it makes me sick/ it even makes me
rhyme.
She takes a deep breath, and looks quickly at Patrick, who
stares at the floor.
KAT
(continuing)
I hate the way you're always right/ I
hate it when you lie/ I hate it when you
make me laugh/ even worse when you make
me cry/ I hate it that you're not
around/ and the fact that you didn't
call/ But mostly I hate the way I don '
t hate you/ not even close, not even a
little bit, not even any at all.
She looks directly at Patrick. He looks back this time.
The look they exchange says everything.
Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains
in stunned silence.
b
KAT
I hate the way you talk to me/ and the
way you cut your hair/ I hate the way
you drive my car/ I hate it when you
stare.
She pauses, then continues
KAT
(continuing)
I hate your big dumb combat boots/ and
the way you read my mind/ I hate you so
much it makes me sick/ it even makes me
rhyme.
She takes a deep breath, and looks quickly at Patrick, who
stares at the floor.
KAT
(continuing)
I hate the way you're always right/ I
hate it when you lie/ I hate it when you
make me laugh/ even worse when you make
me cry/ I hate it that you're not
around/ and the fact that you didn't
call/ But mostly I hate the way I don '
t hate you/ not even close, not even a
little bit, not even any at all.
She looks directly at Patrick. He looks back this time.
The look they exchange says everything.
Then she walks out of the room The rest of the class remains
in stunned silence.
b
stop this ride i'm getting off
everybody just stop.
Just because I think I might be interested in someone, it does not mean that i'm madly passionately in love and i've taken leave of all my senses.
It just means that I think I might be interested in someone.
leave me the f*ck alone.
I need space
I need to think.
Leave me the f*ck alone.
b
Just because I think I might be interested in someone, it does not mean that i'm madly passionately in love and i've taken leave of all my senses.
It just means that I think I might be interested in someone.
leave me the f*ck alone.
I need space
I need to think.
Leave me the f*ck alone.
b
I thought that was what I was doing in the first place...
Datefinder: correction: don't say your single and happy unless you're saying it to a guy you're after, that way you'll appear strong and confident, instead of needy and unsatisfied
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I'm single and unhappy
Datefinder: say you've got said "something"
Datefinder: what now?
me: something?
Datefinder: the spark
me: what about it
Datefinder: what do you do once you have it?
me: nothing
Datefinder: no
Datefinder: that is when you do the discover/develop bit
me: no, that is when you run & hide for cover
Datefinder: oh please
me: !!!
Datefinder: this is why your still single
me: i know
me: i'm not complaining!
Datefinder: So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. But that's just it! That's the problem, because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing, which bothers me.
Datefinder: not complaining at all
me: what's your point
Datefinder: don't say your single and happy
Datefinder: cuz your not
Datefinder: what now?
me: something?
Datefinder: the spark
me: what about it
Datefinder: what do you do once you have it?
me: nothing
Datefinder: no
Datefinder: that is when you do the discover/develop bit
me: no, that is when you run & hide for cover
Datefinder: oh please
me: !!!
Datefinder: this is why your still single
me: i know
me: i'm not complaining!
Datefinder: So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. But that's just it! That's the problem, because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing, which bothers me.
Datefinder: not complaining at all
me: what's your point
Datefinder: don't say your single and happy
Datefinder: cuz your not
gloworm, or, I thought the first rule of Fight Club was...
Datefinder: yes, you glow
me: you havent even seen me
me: how do you know i glow
Datefinder: I've seen it
me: oh?
Datefinder: altho I've only seen you at neby and green acre, where everyone tends to glow
me: right, so that really doesnt count
me: besides, how do i glow then
Datefinder: I need to see you not glow
Datefinder: for comparison
Datefinder: :P
me: har
me: okay so define glow
Datefinder: eh? do you not know, or just want my own defintion?
me: your def
Datefinder: "walking on air"
Datefinder: always smiling
Datefinder: someone you can just tell is thinking of something else
Datefinder: something happy
Datefinder: So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night
me: ooh, throwing a quote in my face
Datefinder: I can read the glow from here
me: < rolls eyes >
Datefinder: haha
Datefinder: I'm not totally incompetent
me: i dont mean to imply you are
me: i just dont see the glow is all
Datefinder: the glower rarely does
me: okay if i'm such a glower, how come i havent been nicer to you?
me: how come i'm not all "life is wonderful"?
Datefinder: because your brain and you heart are going in diff directions
me: okay, dr. phil., your turn
Datefinder: ....is the purpose of our relationship to analyze each other?
me: i dont think so
me: but you seem to be on a track, so go ahead
Datefinder: just checking
Datefinder: ok,
Datefinder: it sounds like
Datefinder: you've found someone
Datefinder: so you do all the normal things people do when they've me someone special
Datefinder: but
Datefinder: your afraid of...a lot of things
Datefinder: ie: your practice of sabotaging relationships
Datefinder: so you heart says yes and your brain says no
Datefinder: your heart glows
Datefinder: and your brain denies it
me: go on
me: i accept all you've said so far
me: do you offer a remedy?
Datefinder: ha, well, its all in your head
Datefinder: think you need to figure out what your afraid of
me: i'm scared of... having someone fall in love with me
Datefinder: why on earth could that be bad?
me: because what if i'm not in love with them?
Datefinder: isn't that the purpose of a relationship?
me: to have it be one sided?
Datefinder: to discover or develop love for each other?
me: i'm tired of hurting people
me: a relationship is doomed when it's one sided
Datefinder: well
Datefinder: they often start that way
me: when one person pours all this affection?
Datefinder: eh, maybe not often
me: i mean... i really like this guy back
Datefinder: yeah thats bad
me: but... my head is just saying that it's moving way too fast, or that it's not serious
me: i'm very weary of giving my heart to anyone
Datefinder: your afraid he likes you more
me: i'm afraid he's in love with me
me: and i'm afraid of loving him back
me: and i'm afraid that he's only kidding about being in love with me
me: so then i go and love him
me: and it's all one big joke
Datefinder: why don't you establish where you (<-plural) stand
Datefinder: “because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing”
Datefinder: clear things up with him
me: i'm too scared to find out what the answer is
me: i'm scared i might actually like him the same amount
Datefinder: do you want to be single forever?
me: no... but
me: but
me: ...
Datefinder: waiting
me: < nothing comes out >
Datefinder: well then
Datefinder: answer that first
me: no
me: no, i do not want to be single forever
Datefinder: just not yet
me: well... there's nothing i want to do that can't be done with a family
Datefinder: you mean your current family? mom dad sis etc
me: i mean a husband and kids
Datefinder: ok
Datefinder: but
me: there's nothing i want to do that can't be done with them... like, you know how people want to travel the globe... that's hard to do with kids
Datefinder: right
Datefinder: but
me: backpacking is easier with one
Datefinder: there's a lot of things that can't be done without them
Datefinder: and it sounds like you want them
me: kids?
Datefinder: the family thing
me: i didn't, but i'm kinda open to the idea of having his
Datefinder: how romantic
Datefinder: but what about him?
Datefinder: is marriage on your list?
me: mariage in general, or specific with him?
Datefinder: in general
me: yes
me: i like the romantic ideal of marriage
Datefinder: ok,
Datefinder: so
Datefinder: this is gonna sound very familiar,
Datefinder: but
Datefinder: are you ready for it?
me: yes and no
Datefinder: ha, perfect
Datefinder: ....how did I know?
Datefinder: spill it
me: the only reason "no" is because i havent finished my degree
me: barring that, yes, i am ready
Datefinder: lol
me: the degree and the desire to live by myself are the only hurdles
Datefinder: I gave you a nearly identical answer to that same question
Datefinder: and you didn't buy it
Datefinder: I think a little less "tough" and a little more "love" are in order
me: like i said, dr phil
Datefinder: so
Datefinder: after all that
Datefinder: we're in the same boat
Datefinder: life is silly
me: if whoever wants to marry me before i graduate, i'm all for it
me: _I_ don't want to get married until i graduate
Datefinder: _I_ dont' want to get married until I'm out on my own
Datefinder: well
Datefinder: I have to go to fight club
me: k.
me: i'll be here when you get back
Datefinder: I shall return
me: you havent even seen me
me: how do you know i glow
Datefinder: I've seen it
me: oh?
Datefinder: altho I've only seen you at neby and green acre, where everyone tends to glow
me: right, so that really doesnt count
me: besides, how do i glow then
Datefinder: I need to see you not glow
Datefinder: for comparison
Datefinder: :P
me: har
me: okay so define glow
Datefinder: eh? do you not know, or just want my own defintion?
me: your def
Datefinder: "walking on air"
Datefinder: always smiling
Datefinder: someone you can just tell is thinking of something else
Datefinder: something happy
Datefinder: So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night
me: ooh, throwing a quote in my face
Datefinder: I can read the glow from here
me: < rolls eyes >
Datefinder: haha
Datefinder: I'm not totally incompetent
me: i dont mean to imply you are
me: i just dont see the glow is all
Datefinder: the glower rarely does
me: okay if i'm such a glower, how come i havent been nicer to you?
me: how come i'm not all "life is wonderful"?
Datefinder: because your brain and you heart are going in diff directions
me: okay, dr. phil., your turn
Datefinder: ....is the purpose of our relationship to analyze each other?
me: i dont think so
me: but you seem to be on a track, so go ahead
Datefinder: just checking
Datefinder: ok,
Datefinder: it sounds like
Datefinder: you've found someone
Datefinder: so you do all the normal things people do when they've me someone special
Datefinder: but
Datefinder: your afraid of...a lot of things
Datefinder: ie: your practice of sabotaging relationships
Datefinder: so you heart says yes and your brain says no
Datefinder: your heart glows
Datefinder: and your brain denies it
me: go on
me: i accept all you've said so far
me: do you offer a remedy?
Datefinder: ha, well, its all in your head
Datefinder: think you need to figure out what your afraid of
me: i'm scared of... having someone fall in love with me
Datefinder: why on earth could that be bad?
me: because what if i'm not in love with them?
Datefinder: isn't that the purpose of a relationship?
me: to have it be one sided?
Datefinder: to discover or develop love for each other?
me: i'm tired of hurting people
me: a relationship is doomed when it's one sided
Datefinder: well
Datefinder: they often start that way
me: when one person pours all this affection?
Datefinder: eh, maybe not often
me: i mean... i really like this guy back
Datefinder: yeah thats bad
me: but... my head is just saying that it's moving way too fast, or that it's not serious
me: i'm very weary of giving my heart to anyone
Datefinder: your afraid he likes you more
me: i'm afraid he's in love with me
me: and i'm afraid of loving him back
me: and i'm afraid that he's only kidding about being in love with me
me: so then i go and love him
me: and it's all one big joke
Datefinder: why don't you establish where you (<-plural) stand
Datefinder: “because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing”
Datefinder: clear things up with him
me: i'm too scared to find out what the answer is
me: i'm scared i might actually like him the same amount
Datefinder: do you want to be single forever?
me: no... but
me: but
me: ...
Datefinder: waiting
me: < nothing comes out >
Datefinder: well then
Datefinder: answer that first
me: no
me: no, i do not want to be single forever
Datefinder: just not yet
me: well... there's nothing i want to do that can't be done with a family
Datefinder: you mean your current family? mom dad sis etc
me: i mean a husband and kids
Datefinder: ok
Datefinder: but
me: there's nothing i want to do that can't be done with them... like, you know how people want to travel the globe... that's hard to do with kids
Datefinder: right
Datefinder: but
me: backpacking is easier with one
Datefinder: there's a lot of things that can't be done without them
Datefinder: and it sounds like you want them
me: kids?
Datefinder: the family thing
me: i didn't, but i'm kinda open to the idea of having his
Datefinder: how romantic
Datefinder: but what about him?
Datefinder: is marriage on your list?
me: mariage in general, or specific with him?
Datefinder: in general
me: yes
me: i like the romantic ideal of marriage
Datefinder: ok,
Datefinder: so
Datefinder: this is gonna sound very familiar,
Datefinder: but
Datefinder: are you ready for it?
me: yes and no
Datefinder: ha, perfect
Datefinder: ....how did I know?
Datefinder: spill it
me: the only reason "no" is because i havent finished my degree
me: barring that, yes, i am ready
Datefinder: lol
me: the degree and the desire to live by myself are the only hurdles
Datefinder: I gave you a nearly identical answer to that same question
Datefinder: and you didn't buy it
Datefinder: I think a little less "tough" and a little more "love" are in order
me: like i said, dr phil
Datefinder: so
Datefinder: after all that
Datefinder: we're in the same boat
Datefinder: life is silly
me: if whoever wants to marry me before i graduate, i'm all for it
me: _I_ don't want to get married until i graduate
Datefinder: _I_ dont' want to get married until I'm out on my own
Datefinder: well
Datefinder: I have to go to fight club
me: k.
me: i'll be here when you get back
Datefinder: I shall return
My Jolly Smile
So... today, I took my usual route, and there was a new guard who was trying to not let me in. Then another guard said, "no she's okay. it's okay. you just didn't recognize her because she wasn't smiling."
I thought that was nice.
Then, someone made an observation: "you've been jolly lately"
"jolly?"
"yeah, you've been happy lately, what happened? You have a boyfriend or something?"
"uh, no, no boyfriend."
"oh, I thought you had a man or something, because you've been glowing"
"glowing?? OMG!" I had to laugh at that. Glowing. People, please. There are things I don't do. Glow and Blush are among them. Glowing is for pregnant people.
That was the second reference to a boyfriend today. The first one was when someone heard me answer the phone, "hi, honey". If you know me, you know I answer my phone in one of three ways "hi, honey," "hello?" and "this is banafsheh, how can I help you?"
Anyways, so this guy commented on the "hi honey" and was all, "who was that, your boyfriend?" and I had to say "i dont have a boyfriend." At least this guy was slick and found out that I was single the covert way. He's from... pakistan, i think. He's good people. I'll call him Frozen Justice, cause he's pretty chill. My friend has the hots for him. Either she has the hots for him, or she just thinks he's cute and likes flirting with him. Either way, I'm not really interested in him, although he at least manages to approach me in the right way. Covert. I like covert. The full frontal assaults don't really get me. Anyways, I respect this guy for how he managed to find out I don't have a boyfriend. Good job, Frozen Justice.
b
I thought that was nice.
Then, someone made an observation: "you've been jolly lately"
"jolly?"
"yeah, you've been happy lately, what happened? You have a boyfriend or something?"
"uh, no, no boyfriend."
"oh, I thought you had a man or something, because you've been glowing"
"glowing?? OMG!" I had to laugh at that. Glowing. People, please. There are things I don't do. Glow and Blush are among them. Glowing is for pregnant people.
That was the second reference to a boyfriend today. The first one was when someone heard me answer the phone, "hi, honey". If you know me, you know I answer my phone in one of three ways "hi, honey," "hello?" and "this is banafsheh, how can I help you?"
Anyways, so this guy commented on the "hi honey" and was all, "who was that, your boyfriend?" and I had to say "i dont have a boyfriend." At least this guy was slick and found out that I was single the covert way. He's from... pakistan, i think. He's good people. I'll call him Frozen Justice, cause he's pretty chill. My friend has the hots for him. Either she has the hots for him, or she just thinks he's cute and likes flirting with him. Either way, I'm not really interested in him, although he at least manages to approach me in the right way. Covert. I like covert. The full frontal assaults don't really get me. Anyways, I respect this guy for how he managed to find out I don't have a boyfriend. Good job, Frozen Justice.
b
Monday, August 15, 2005
Spirituality, Religion and My Body
No, this is not a pro-choice post.
I consider myself a Spiritual person. I'm not terribly religious, I'm not completely deepened in my Faith, but I am very Spiritual. I understand that there are two paths in this world, the physical, and the spiritual, and lately, I'm tried to turn from the physical and focus on the spiritual. I wasn't really getting anywhere when I wanted to live life my way, so I've handed the reins over, so to speak, and now I go on Faith.
That said, that does *not* mean that I am not tested to return to the dark side. I've been tested thoroughly today. It's funny. If I chose the physical path, I know of at least 3 people who would be ready and willing to jump my bones. And, if I was that kind of girl, I'd prolly have done that with all three of them by now.
But the reality is, I *choose* the Spiritual Path. I *choose* to supress those physical insincts in favor of the Higher Path that we all ultimately succumb to. But just because I choose to not "give in to temptation" does not mean that I am not just as tempted as the next person. It also doesnt give permission to other people to test me out. That's really cruel.
Lately, people have been pushing my buttons, actively trying to get me to change my mind about certain life choices I have made. I end up being caught somewhere in the middle... Yes, I like the attention, but no, I don't like the sexual nature of the attention. Hearing people just want to have sex with you gets old. What about the people who want to get to know me and care about me?
There must be a way to get nonsexual attention from men.
b
I consider myself a Spiritual person. I'm not terribly religious, I'm not completely deepened in my Faith, but I am very Spiritual. I understand that there are two paths in this world, the physical, and the spiritual, and lately, I'm tried to turn from the physical and focus on the spiritual. I wasn't really getting anywhere when I wanted to live life my way, so I've handed the reins over, so to speak, and now I go on Faith.
That said, that does *not* mean that I am not tested to return to the dark side. I've been tested thoroughly today. It's funny. If I chose the physical path, I know of at least 3 people who would be ready and willing to jump my bones. And, if I was that kind of girl, I'd prolly have done that with all three of them by now.
But the reality is, I *choose* the Spiritual Path. I *choose* to supress those physical insincts in favor of the Higher Path that we all ultimately succumb to. But just because I choose to not "give in to temptation" does not mean that I am not just as tempted as the next person. It also doesnt give permission to other people to test me out. That's really cruel.
Lately, people have been pushing my buttons, actively trying to get me to change my mind about certain life choices I have made. I end up being caught somewhere in the middle... Yes, I like the attention, but no, I don't like the sexual nature of the attention. Hearing people just want to have sex with you gets old. What about the people who want to get to know me and care about me?
There must be a way to get nonsexual attention from men.
b
when molesters attack
okay so there's this guy, and i was stepping into an elevator. he asks me how old i am.
"24."
"damn, that's old." Now at this point, he's already lost my attention. Whatever compliment you *thought* you were giving me, you screwed it up completely.
"why, how old did you think i was?"
"17"
THANK GOD the doors closed before I had a chance to say something. I had to take a moment... I mean, I know I look young and all that, but do you realize you just put yourself out there as a pervert? So... you only talk to 17 year olds, you dirty scumbag? FREAKING PERVERT!
Now, everytime he sees me, he says "19, huh?" At least he finally settled on a legal age. I mean, GEEZ. It was getting gross for a while.
Seriously, do men listen to themselves? Do they understand how they make themselves look... like PERVERTS????
And then people wonder why women say they hate men.
b
"24."
"damn, that's old." Now at this point, he's already lost my attention. Whatever compliment you *thought* you were giving me, you screwed it up completely.
"why, how old did you think i was?"
"17"
THANK GOD the doors closed before I had a chance to say something. I had to take a moment... I mean, I know I look young and all that, but do you realize you just put yourself out there as a pervert? So... you only talk to 17 year olds, you dirty scumbag? FREAKING PERVERT!
Now, everytime he sees me, he says "19, huh?" At least he finally settled on a legal age. I mean, GEEZ. It was getting gross for a while.
Seriously, do men listen to themselves? Do they understand how they make themselves look... like PERVERTS????
And then people wonder why women say they hate men.
b
Saturday, August 13, 2005
LET'S GET ONE THING VERY CLEAR
For all those of you who are actively trying to ensnare me into a committed relationship, stop it.
For all those of you who are actively trying to sleep with me without the confines of a committed relationship, stop it.
For whoever is left over that just wants to enjoy my company either on a 1-1 or in a group, this does not apply to you. You're doing fine. Having plutonic and professional fun is great. I know where I stand at all times, and it's clear cut.
As far as the people who want to sleep with me, while i appreciate honesty, there's a point when it becomes crass and disgusting. That is the point where you need to back off. I get the picture. I know what you would do to me if you got the chance. But you're not getting the chance. Leave me the F*CK alone.
Now, for the people who are trying to get me into a committed relationship... Look. I don't know what I want right now. I'm in the process of figuring it out, and that's because I'm finally single. And I *like* being single. I haven't been this single since before I even learned that there was a difference between boys and girls. I'm not saying that you'll never get me into one... I'm just saying that I'm scared of finding mister right. There I said it. I'm scared of finding Mr. Right. Actually, that's not it. I'm scared that... omg, I have no idea how to say this at all. I'm scared that this guy I like likes me way more than I like him, or that he likes me more than I'm allowing myself to like him back... but the reality is that I haven't known him long and while i'm probably reading WAY too much into everything I still have that trusty old firewall up, and I'm scared of hurting him just like i've hurt everyone else. I mean, I have NO IDEA how he REALLY feels about me, and I'm too scared to find out, because what if he *does* like me more than I like him... won't that be awkward? I mean, sure, I can see myself spending my life with him. Yes, I can do that. But I mean, I think he went and started... I mean... well...
I'm still single, aren't I?
Aren't I???
So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. But that's just it! That's the problem, because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing, which bothers me. I don't understand any of this. I want this feeling in my stomach to go away. I want to be friends with him until I can figure out what is going on, because honest to God, everything feels like it's moving so fast... it's like a cyclone... One day we're picking out honeymoon destinations, the next day he's looking up housing, and the day after that i'm going out with my friends like nothing happened. This is too much for me. I know that I do NOT want to be someone's girlfriend. I've made that abundantly clear. It's like... its like my heart and body decided that my head screws everything up so it'll make the decisions without it and now my head is like "wait a minute! how did we get here? what happened?" I think my head needs to drive for a while.
I dont want a boyfriend... What the hell is going on?
For all those of you who are actively trying to sleep with me without the confines of a committed relationship, stop it.
For whoever is left over that just wants to enjoy my company either on a 1-1 or in a group, this does not apply to you. You're doing fine. Having plutonic and professional fun is great. I know where I stand at all times, and it's clear cut.
As far as the people who want to sleep with me, while i appreciate honesty, there's a point when it becomes crass and disgusting. That is the point where you need to back off. I get the picture. I know what you would do to me if you got the chance. But you're not getting the chance. Leave me the F*CK alone.
Now, for the people who are trying to get me into a committed relationship... Look. I don't know what I want right now. I'm in the process of figuring it out, and that's because I'm finally single. And I *like* being single. I haven't been this single since before I even learned that there was a difference between boys and girls. I'm not saying that you'll never get me into one... I'm just saying that I'm scared of finding mister right. There I said it. I'm scared of finding Mr. Right. Actually, that's not it. I'm scared that... omg, I have no idea how to say this at all. I'm scared that this guy I like likes me way more than I like him, or that he likes me more than I'm allowing myself to like him back... but the reality is that I haven't known him long and while i'm probably reading WAY too much into everything I still have that trusty old firewall up, and I'm scared of hurting him just like i've hurt everyone else. I mean, I have NO IDEA how he REALLY feels about me, and I'm too scared to find out, because what if he *does* like me more than I like him... won't that be awkward? I mean, sure, I can see myself spending my life with him. Yes, I can do that. But I mean, I think he went and started... I mean... well...
I'm still single, aren't I?
Aren't I???
So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. But that's just it! That's the problem, because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing, which bothers me. I don't understand any of this. I want this feeling in my stomach to go away. I want to be friends with him until I can figure out what is going on, because honest to God, everything feels like it's moving so fast... it's like a cyclone... One day we're picking out honeymoon destinations, the next day he's looking up housing, and the day after that i'm going out with my friends like nothing happened. This is too much for me. I know that I do NOT want to be someone's girlfriend. I've made that abundantly clear. It's like... its like my heart and body decided that my head screws everything up so it'll make the decisions without it and now my head is like "wait a minute! how did we get here? what happened?" I think my head needs to drive for a while.
I dont want a boyfriend... What the hell is going on?
ParkPolice Man & other news
ParkPoliceMan will be here soon.
It was so cute, he called me to see if I was going to be here while he's working a gig, and I said I would not be, but I think we might actually be able to meet up for 15 minutes or so...
I told him I was hungry and that he should bring me lunch. Then he asked me if I was using him for money and i said "yes now are you bringing me lunch or not?"
He's never called to see if I was going to be here before. I wonder if he's feeling okay. Maybe he wants to tell me about his horse, since he's moving to the mounted police force... Maybe he wants to tell me all about his... shall we say... exploits...
Who knows. I'll send an update if it's good. Most likely he'll spend the entire 15 minutes trying to tell me about myself, or as he sees me. If he even comes within 15 minutes.
Anyways, I'm supposed to go see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory tonight with Kendric. I'm not entirely sure who all is going, or what time, or if we're even still going, but that was the plan.
Tomorrow, mom and I are going to the Native American Powwow at the MCI center. At least, that's the plan. Who knows these days, with these gas prices... Eh, well, that's why there's the Metro.
Yesterday, I helped TBF move... well, he says I helped, but I dont really think I did. Helping is when you move the boxes onto the Uhaul, or off of the Uhaul... I just helped him pack. Maybe I did help just a little, but it didnt feel like much. Then we discussed our wills. There are certain things I want when he dies, and there are things he can have if I die, only I forgot what I told him he could have. I'll prolly call him later so I can remember what it was. I know one was my THX-1138... but I think there was some more stuff. Oh well. I'll remember later.
b
It was so cute, he called me to see if I was going to be here while he's working a gig, and I said I would not be, but I think we might actually be able to meet up for 15 minutes or so...
I told him I was hungry and that he should bring me lunch. Then he asked me if I was using him for money and i said "yes now are you bringing me lunch or not?"
He's never called to see if I was going to be here before. I wonder if he's feeling okay. Maybe he wants to tell me about his horse, since he's moving to the mounted police force... Maybe he wants to tell me all about his... shall we say... exploits...
Who knows. I'll send an update if it's good. Most likely he'll spend the entire 15 minutes trying to tell me about myself, or as he sees me. If he even comes within 15 minutes.
Anyways, I'm supposed to go see Charlie & the Chocolate Factory tonight with Kendric. I'm not entirely sure who all is going, or what time, or if we're even still going, but that was the plan.
Tomorrow, mom and I are going to the Native American Powwow at the MCI center. At least, that's the plan. Who knows these days, with these gas prices... Eh, well, that's why there's the Metro.
Yesterday, I helped TBF move... well, he says I helped, but I dont really think I did. Helping is when you move the boxes onto the Uhaul, or off of the Uhaul... I just helped him pack. Maybe I did help just a little, but it didnt feel like much. Then we discussed our wills. There are certain things I want when he dies, and there are things he can have if I die, only I forgot what I told him he could have. I'll prolly call him later so I can remember what it was. I know one was my THX-1138... but I think there was some more stuff. Oh well. I'll remember later.
b
the only exception
me: have you read the blog lately? i need your opinion
TheBesu: not in the past couple of days
me: k, when you read it, lemme know
TheBesu: ok, so my opinion about what?
me: am i insecure or not, or am i justified in saying this is a respect issue
TheBesu: it is, in marriage,yes
me: thank you. my point is specific to the marriage part, or heavy relationship period
TheBesu: there are only a couple of mitigating circumstances though
TheBesu: even a heavy relationship period is not a reason to be upset
me: i just think, when you're married, you're MARRIED, thats when you dont go to nudie bars anymore
TheBesu: right. true
me: that's all i'm saying
TheBesu: unless its a good friends b-day, in which case, i'd invite my wife
me: THANK YOU
me: i love you, besu
TheBesu: if she didn't wanna go, too bad, cause im goin
me: that's fair
TheBesu: for example, my ex-gf got all insecure when i told her i was going
TheBesu: but it was my bro's 30th b-day
TheBesu: so i'm not going to refuse to go
TheBesu: plus, she was only a gf
TheBesu: most belief systems only condemn action within the sanctity of marriage
me: did you invite her, as specified by your earlier im?
TheBesu: she was in nj
TheBesu: not possible
me: all i'm saying is once you're married...
TheBesu: and my brothers both had their gf's
TheBesu: but yeah, marriage + no other circumstances = no strip club
The Besu: marriage + no other circumstances + strip club = disrespect
me: thank you.
TheBesu: not in the past couple of days
me: k, when you read it, lemme know
TheBesu: ok, so my opinion about what?
me: am i insecure or not, or am i justified in saying this is a respect issue
TheBesu: it is, in marriage,yes
me: thank you. my point is specific to the marriage part, or heavy relationship period
TheBesu: there are only a couple of mitigating circumstances though
TheBesu: even a heavy relationship period is not a reason to be upset
me: i just think, when you're married, you're MARRIED, thats when you dont go to nudie bars anymore
TheBesu: right. true
me: that's all i'm saying
TheBesu: unless its a good friends b-day, in which case, i'd invite my wife
me: THANK YOU
me: i love you, besu
TheBesu: if she didn't wanna go, too bad, cause im goin
me: that's fair
TheBesu: for example, my ex-gf got all insecure when i told her i was going
TheBesu: but it was my bro's 30th b-day
TheBesu: so i'm not going to refuse to go
TheBesu: plus, she was only a gf
TheBesu: most belief systems only condemn action within the sanctity of marriage
me: did you invite her, as specified by your earlier im?
TheBesu: she was in nj
TheBesu: not possible
me: all i'm saying is once you're married...
TheBesu: and my brothers both had their gf's
TheBesu: but yeah, marriage + no other circumstances = no strip club
The Besu: marriage + no other circumstances + strip club = disrespect
me: thank you.
Friday, August 12, 2005
It's all in the purpose of the visit
This is something that I've held in for almost three days now... It was one of those "pick your battles" things... and, well, I just can't let it go...
Okay, so I was talking to a friend of mine recently, and the subject of Strip Clubs (ie, men going to them after they're married) came up. I gave my standard answer: If my significant other feels the need to go to a strip club, then I'm either somehow not doing my job, or somethings wrong in the relationship department.
He responded with "that's so insecure! so long as he comes home to you, what difference does it make?"
A BIG difference.
When a dude is single, I can understand going to the nudie bar. I still don't like it on a physical vs spiritual priority level, but I can better understand that as when a guy has a girlfriend or is married. At that point, it becomes a respect issue.
He responded with "a man is always going to look".
WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT EXCUSE IS THAT?!
That really made me mad because it's the equivalent of saying "boys will be boys" which basically means, "let men do what they want, they're never going to change", which is JUST WRONG.
I *understand* that men notice women, the same way women notice men. If *anyone* thinks that just because you're married, that you magically don't appreciate a fine specimen of the opposite sex, they've got another thing coming. I'm not going to magically think that Morris Chestnut isn't hot anymore just cause I'm married. But I'm not going to a strip club to have some guy shake his MagicStick in my face just because of it, either.
There's a difference between *happening* upon someone who is attractive, and *deliberately* going to a place that provides ONE form of entertainment. And *THEN* he had the *NERVE* to say "well, when we go I end up bored anyways"
WTF?! Why are you going then, if it's so all-important, yet such a drag and waste of time and money?
I could understand if it was a party at an ex-girlfriend's house and I got antsy about that and then he called me insecure (he'd better never say that to my face...)and said "remember, i'm coming home to you"; that's justified. 'Cause by then, I'll be his wife and she'll have no chance anyways. Well, she'd better not have a chance...
But this is not the same thing. You're not going to an ex-girlfriend's house for whatever reason, you're going to a topless/nudie bar. It's the purpose of the visit that matters. You're going to *pay money* to have *someone who is not* your wife or girlfriend do God knows what in front of your face.
There is a difference when:
He has a professional relationship with an ex: they went out, but now she's a costumer, and he's a lighting designer, and they're working on the same show. I may not like that he has to go over her house to discuss something, and i might be insecure about that, but that is an example of a time when it would be okay to say "honey, i love YOU. I'm coming home to YOU".
NOT
"hey honey i'm going to look at other women dance slowly in front of me, in various stages of undress. Be home by 3 am."
I don't care how long you've been married. That is *not* okay.
He may as well come out and say "honey, you just don't do it for me."
It's the *purpose behind the visit* that bothers me.
So, yes, I have issues with my future whoever saying "I'm going for a night out with the boys" and ending up at one of those establishments. Yes. It bothers me. No, I'm not insecure about it. What is it that you can find there that you can't find at home? If you have an answer to that question, you shouldnt have married me, and if you don't have an answer to that question, there's no need for you to go.
b, who is all fired up now and has lost complete faith in men's ability to control themselves.
ps, that does not apply to TBF and Poppy, whom I quizzed and both said that I am not insecure and that it is indeed a respect issue. And for the record, TBF and Poppy are two very secure males.
**AURGH!!!**
[ edited to add: What about the whole "forsaking all others" part in the euro-traditional christian wedding? How can you forsake the others when you pay money to see them naked? /end edit ]
Okay, so I was talking to a friend of mine recently, and the subject of Strip Clubs (ie, men going to them after they're married) came up. I gave my standard answer: If my significant other feels the need to go to a strip club, then I'm either somehow not doing my job, or somethings wrong in the relationship department.
He responded with "that's so insecure! so long as he comes home to you, what difference does it make?"
A BIG difference.
When a dude is single, I can understand going to the nudie bar. I still don't like it on a physical vs spiritual priority level, but I can better understand that as when a guy has a girlfriend or is married. At that point, it becomes a respect issue.
He responded with "a man is always going to look".
WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT EXCUSE IS THAT?!
That really made me mad because it's the equivalent of saying "boys will be boys" which basically means, "let men do what they want, they're never going to change", which is JUST WRONG.
I *understand* that men notice women, the same way women notice men. If *anyone* thinks that just because you're married, that you magically don't appreciate a fine specimen of the opposite sex, they've got another thing coming. I'm not going to magically think that Morris Chestnut isn't hot anymore just cause I'm married. But I'm not going to a strip club to have some guy shake his MagicStick in my face just because of it, either.
There's a difference between *happening* upon someone who is attractive, and *deliberately* going to a place that provides ONE form of entertainment. And *THEN* he had the *NERVE* to say "well, when we go I end up bored anyways"
WTF?! Why are you going then, if it's so all-important, yet such a drag and waste of time and money?
I could understand if it was a party at an ex-girlfriend's house and I got antsy about that and then he called me insecure (he'd better never say that to my face...)and said "remember, i'm coming home to you"; that's justified. 'Cause by then, I'll be his wife and she'll have no chance anyways. Well, she'd better not have a chance...
But this is not the same thing. You're not going to an ex-girlfriend's house for whatever reason, you're going to a topless/nudie bar. It's the purpose of the visit that matters. You're going to *pay money* to have *someone who is not* your wife or girlfriend do God knows what in front of your face.
There is a difference when:
He has a professional relationship with an ex: they went out, but now she's a costumer, and he's a lighting designer, and they're working on the same show. I may not like that he has to go over her house to discuss something, and i might be insecure about that, but that is an example of a time when it would be okay to say "honey, i love YOU. I'm coming home to YOU".
NOT
"hey honey i'm going to look at other women dance slowly in front of me, in various stages of undress. Be home by 3 am."
I don't care how long you've been married. That is *not* okay.
He may as well come out and say "honey, you just don't do it for me."
It's the *purpose behind the visit* that bothers me.
So, yes, I have issues with my future whoever saying "I'm going for a night out with the boys" and ending up at one of those establishments. Yes. It bothers me. No, I'm not insecure about it. What is it that you can find there that you can't find at home? If you have an answer to that question, you shouldnt have married me, and if you don't have an answer to that question, there's no need for you to go.
b, who is all fired up now and has lost complete faith in men's ability to control themselves.
ps, that does not apply to TBF and Poppy, whom I quizzed and both said that I am not insecure and that it is indeed a respect issue. And for the record, TBF and Poppy are two very secure males.
**AURGH!!!**
[ edited to add: What about the whole "forsaking all others" part in the euro-traditional christian wedding? How can you forsake the others when you pay money to see them naked? /end edit ]
Pepper and Paprika
Are gone...
Mom took them to a lady who was suggested by one of the WildLife places she called. Apparently the lady is really nice and even told mom that if I love animals as much as it seemed to her that I did, that I could go there and she'd train me for some kind of Animal Certification.
So that's cool.
Mom left out the part about their names being Pepper and Paprika, so I'm kinda miffed about that. I'll call the lady on monday and inquire about the certification, then ask how the two baby mockingbirds, pepper and paprika are doing.
she needs to know that they were loved enough to already have names, before she names them... tweety or something...
b
Mom took them to a lady who was suggested by one of the WildLife places she called. Apparently the lady is really nice and even told mom that if I love animals as much as it seemed to her that I did, that I could go there and she'd train me for some kind of Animal Certification.
So that's cool.
Mom left out the part about their names being Pepper and Paprika, so I'm kinda miffed about that. I'll call the lady on monday and inquire about the certification, then ask how the two baby mockingbirds, pepper and paprika are doing.
she needs to know that they were loved enough to already have names, before she names them... tweety or something...
b
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
i'm having twins
So... we pull into my driveway, and mom goes "what is THAT?!" at this tiny grey mass under a tree. Turns out, it's a baby bird. So I put it in a shoebox, and take it to PetSmart thinking "it's PetSmart. they'll know what to do!"
What I *should* have thought was, "Man, them bamas in Oxon Hill don't know sh*t. Lemme take this bird to Largo or Alexandria."
So... After getting to petsmart in Oxon Hill, I came right back home, where mom informed me there was another one under the tree.
So now there's two. Tentatively, their names are Pepper and Paprika. They're so young, they're just skin, shafts where the feathers should grow in, and beak. I should have named them Seymour and Audrey II, cause all they do is say "FEED ME"...
Anyways, I'm going to try to upload pics of them.
I'm also trying to contact Animal Rescue, or WildLife Societies... Mom said she called, but couldn't find anyone who wanted to take them.
After googling a combination of their features, I found out that Pepper and Paprika are two fledgling Mockingbirds.
The most interesting part to all of this is how Harley pays them no mind. We keep expecting him to go after them, but he doesn't. Last night, he just stared at the box where I've got them. He sleeps close to them, I dont know if he's guarding them for security or for himself to eat later on, like "hey humans, I've got dibs on that"
Who knows with Harley, anways.
Meanwhile, pepper and Paprika are driving mom insane. They're hungry, and when they're hungry, they chirp. I can't help that... When I feed them, they stop and go to sleep. So, I dont know what her issue is.
b, always a mother these days
What I *should* have thought was, "Man, them bamas in Oxon Hill don't know sh*t. Lemme take this bird to Largo or Alexandria."
So... After getting to petsmart in Oxon Hill, I came right back home, where mom informed me there was another one under the tree.
So now there's two. Tentatively, their names are Pepper and Paprika. They're so young, they're just skin, shafts where the feathers should grow in, and beak. I should have named them Seymour and Audrey II, cause all they do is say "FEED ME"...
Anyways, I'm going to try to upload pics of them.
I'm also trying to contact Animal Rescue, or WildLife Societies... Mom said she called, but couldn't find anyone who wanted to take them.
After googling a combination of their features, I found out that Pepper and Paprika are two fledgling Mockingbirds.
The most interesting part to all of this is how Harley pays them no mind. We keep expecting him to go after them, but he doesn't. Last night, he just stared at the box where I've got them. He sleeps close to them, I dont know if he's guarding them for security or for himself to eat later on, like "hey humans, I've got dibs on that"
Who knows with Harley, anways.
Meanwhile, pepper and Paprika are driving mom insane. They're hungry, and when they're hungry, they chirp. I can't help that... When I feed them, they stop and go to sleep. So, I dont know what her issue is.
b, always a mother these days
Sunday, August 07, 2005
It turns out to be true
So I was talking with a friend of mine, and she asked why boys don't usually like us smart girls. So I told her, "cause the other girls let them get away with things, and we hold them responsible for their own actions. It takes a special type of man to be able to live with himself and take that."
Then I get home, and I'm talking to a friend of mine, and in the middle of the conversation, he says, "man, I'm going to have to watch what i say around you, cause you hold me responsible for everything I say."
So, it turned out to be true after all.
It freaked me out a little, cause the time between me saying it to her and hearing it from him was just 2 hours.
b, who plans to move to the top of a mountain soon...
Then I get home, and I'm talking to a friend of mine, and in the middle of the conversation, he says, "man, I'm going to have to watch what i say around you, cause you hold me responsible for everything I say."
So, it turned out to be true after all.
It freaked me out a little, cause the time between me saying it to her and hearing it from him was just 2 hours.
b, who plans to move to the top of a mountain soon...
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