Thursday, June 29, 2006

when men lie pt deux

Chapter one: The Court in the Green Castle

Once upon a time in a faraway land, with trees, and rivers, and deer, there lived a young maiden. She wasn't as beautiful as the Princesses of the land, and no courtier was courting her for she lived to the south, far from the court in the Green Castle, in a fortress for her family were guardians. While she may not have had the advantages of living in the court, her life in the south was not bad, for she learned hard work, and the value of friendship, honesty, trust, and loyalty. Although her friends were few, they were true.

One day, the court threw a ball in the midst of a planned three day celebration. It was time for feasting, and rejoicing and the giving of thanks. One of the Princesses had two courtiers, and all the invited people of the Kingdom were coming to see how things would play out between them. The maiden steered clear of both courtiers, but remained polite to everyone. Then that night one of the courtiers revealed the nature of his heart to her, and she listened, for she was a guardian, as he told her the lamentation of his true desire, to be with the Princess, and how he felt forsaken in favor of the other suitor. The next day, the other courtier approached the maiden and revealed the nature of his heart to her as well. She wondered why everyone chose to reveal to her, because she lived so far away from the castle and really had nothing to do with anything there, but perhaps this is why people chose to trust her, and after all, she *is* a guardian.

The courtier told her of his plan to woo the Princess, and that he realized that his wooing for the sake of potential was not as strong as the love of the broken hearted suitor, and had laid his claim aside in the favor of love. The Princess spoke to the maiden, and asked her opinion. The maiden was really confused, for three people (one of whom she'd never seen in her life before, for he was from a part of the land to the west, where no trees grow) were revealing their hearts to her. So she told the Princess as much as she could, not revealing what the courtiers had said, but reiterating that the one had been in love with her his entire life, and that it was not only obvious to all at court, but to those in her part of the forested fortress to the south as well. The Princess realized her true love, and they lived happily ever after.

Chapter two: The Pond

The courtier who gallantly laid his claim aside in favor of love began to call the maiden, immediately arousing suspicion in the fortress. But the maiden did not love the courtier, and so they remained friends. One day, the courtier was rejoicing in a nearby part of the kingdom when he invited the maiden to join him. This time, he told the maiden of a special pond in the land without trees where the animals could speak.

One day, the maiden followed the clues the courtier gave her, and made her way west, to the land without trees. It was very difficult for her, for she had lived in woods with lush greens and browns, where the horizon was a carpet for the sky, and the further she went, the less of her home she saw. Everything was flat, and one could see for miles across the landscape. There were hardly any trees. The land was appropriately named. Finally, she came to the special pond. It was beautiful. Like the desert oases she read about in books, she imagined she was at one now. It even had a fountain in the middle, circulating air to the fish who jumped and danced before the other animals. She had found them on a day of a great month-long festival, and was so caught up in the amazement, she missed the frog who was trying to get her attention. The frog knew many of the people there, and told her that he very much wanted her to meet his friend the turtle, who lived in his part of the pond, and that she could stay in their part of the pond during the entire festival. The frog decided that the maiden and the turtle should be as good friends as the frog was with everyone. But the maiden thought that the turtle was quiet, and didn't really like her. The frog visited her every day with stories about his day at the festival, but the turtle never did. In fact, the turtle didnt visit her at all, while the frong was there every day. So the maiden just assumed that he really didn't like her as much as the frog said he did. That was okay, and she still liked him for being a turtle, but she'd told herself a long time ago that she wouldn't let herself like anyone that didn't like her back so that was that. But she started to notice that the frog kept getting into all sorts of trouble, and the turtle didn't. But the frog always told her how kind she was, and the turtle didn't. And she liked to hear nice things, so she started listening to the frog, and told the frog all about how she missed how her old suitors used to bring flowers to her. The frog and the maiden became fast friends.

One day, she was sad, because it was nearly her turn to throw a fete for the festival, and she didn't know how. So the frog told her of a secret stash that only he knew about in the pond's bog beneath the birch tree. He told her it held lots of money, and that he could get it for her if she wanted. The frog told her that she was a very special person, and that he liked to help special people. One day when he visited he was very drunk and said some very honest things, but they agreed that they'd never talk about that again because the maiden was beginning to get very confused.

One day, the turtle finally came to visit. He had a lot to say, because he had taken a long time to cross from his side of the pond to where she was staying. She realized that she had been comparing the frog to the turtle, and she felt awful for doing that. She realized that the frog was always there because he could cover farther distances in one jump than the turtle could, and that the frog was always talking, but that the turtle took longer to say something because he was observing more, and that when he decided to say something it was usually more important.

One day the turtle came to visit, and she realized that it was very special because it must have taken him all day to cross to her side of the pond, and she paid close attention to what he had to say. She also learned that the turtle didn't visit her as often not because he didn't want to, but because he wasn't as able to as the frog seemed to be. Because he was a turtle, he took longer to decide things. He didnt jump ahead like his friend the frog, he watched, and gathered information before deciding who he could trust, and had decided that he could trust the maiden. So he told her about his secret stash in the bog beneath the birch tree, into which he placed one gold coin into whenever he could. Immediately, the maiden felt awful. This was the same stash that she almost used to fund her part of the fete! She was torn. How could she use the money as the frog's gift if the money was really the turtles'?

But the turtle had more. He'd brought her a present. A lily from the pond. It was beautiful, and she loved it very much. They sat on the bank of the pond and had a lovely conversation. And when it was almost time for the sun to set, the turtle set out for his home, so that he could get there in time before the moon came up. Once he was out of earshot, the frog bounded in. "You're welcome for your lily, maiden," the frog croaked. "But the turtle gave me the lily," responded the maiden, wondering why the frog said such a thing. "Only because I told him to. I knew how much you wanted them, so I had him get it for you."

Now the maiden was very confused. She liked the turtle, but if the turtle's gifts were truly sent from the frog, who was courting the maiden? Then one day, she decided to go home. She stopped by the turtle's house and invited him to visit her part of the kingdom whenever he liked. The frog bounded over, hurt, because he hadn't been invited, but the maiden wasn't courting the frog, and thought that in time the frog might be able to see that. On her way home, she realized that the frog was using the turtle as an excuse to keep her near the pond, because he... but she promised she would never speak of that again.

She was glad that the turtle accepted her invitation, and also knew that it would take him a long time to get there. But then she thought about the frog, and how the frog had offered her many a time to use his enchanted ring, which could take you anywhere you wanted to go, and had even said he would use it to visit her. She wished that the frog would let the turtle use the magic ring, so that he could visit sooner, but thought that if they were great friends, the frog would offer, and she wouldnt have to ask to use something that wasn't hers for someone else. but the frog never offered, and the maiden decided to wait for the turtle to do things his way, which was probably for the best. But, she thought, if you truly like helping people, why wouldnt you if you really could? So she wondered about the frog, and if what he said was true, or if he really did have a magic ring, or if he really did want the turtle and the maiden to be friends, or was that only so the maiden would be around the pond more so that the frog could visit her... But the turtle had given her hope that everything was going to be alright in the end, so she learned to put things from her mind, little by little.

And even though the turtle still doesn't say much, the maiden learned to appreciate him for being a turtle, and for being so wise. And she tried very hard not to doubt if he took a long time to get somewhere, because even though she didn't know it, he really was doing the best that he could.

And their story hasn't been written yet.


when men lie pt I

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that if you read any thing inside of quotation marks, it's not a direct quote.

There's a guy I know.
He took a chance one day & told me he liked me. I don't feel the same way about him.
That SHOULD have been the end.
But it wasn't.
He then sent me the longest emails I've ever seen. Personal feelings I didn't need to know about. It made me uncomfortable. I'd say so. He'd seem to get it, lay off, and then start back up.

I saw that he didn't get it.

It got bad... it got to the point where I was avoiding the internet for the inability to function after reading one of his emails. They were and are so stressful that I'd actually be affected enough not to properly function.

Then finally I had enough.

Three days ago, he sent an email saying that he would never email me again.
I was elated.
Yesterday, he sent another one.

So in the last two emails, he mentioned something like how I should look at why he manages to get under my skin, insinuating that perhaps I have some affection after all. He alluded to this twice. In the "last" email, and in the actual last email.

His lack of self control only supports my belief that he lies, and he has the BIGGEST EGO I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A PERSON.
He can't even tell me he's not going to email me again without renigging on it two days later. When I call him on his possessive stuff, he backs down and takes a day to change tactics.

I tell him he makes me uncomfortable, and that his "supportive" comments backfired because they make me uncomfortable.

BACK IN APRIL he said he was going to stop reading my blog. I actually believe that for a while, he did. But then, I took May off from the internet (because of him) and now we're in June, so his attention span must've run out or something because he read the post I wrote about the new guy sending me the text messages and how I thought they were cute because he sent me an instant message a few days later bright & early in the morning saying (this is a near if not direct quote) "Good morning sunchine! I know I'm copying the text messages, but I don't care. I'm in a good mood. Good morning Sunshine!"

This had to be the last straw. Even the TextMessageMan (heretofore known as TMM) only sent me TWO text messages. TWO. When I didn't respond, he STOPPED SENDING THEM. He tried, he tried again because maybe I didn't see the first one, or maybe alot of things, and when I didn't respond *again*, he STOPPED.

Good guy.

This guy... This guy is so wrapped up in his own ego, he doesn't even care about how what he does affects me. If he did, he wouldn't do them. I've told him that his comments have an adverse effect on me, and yet, there he is, lamenting again. Or asking me what others have that he hasn't. Well a sense of when to shut the fuck up, for one. I should not be the receiver of ANY of these emails! That's what your friends are for! But he goes on, "you met this guy and you agreed to marry him? well, I have a cute little sister! and my mom can knit, too!"

And it's not a competition because I still dont care!

It all started when I had this idea for a magazine. Stemming from that, I had an idea for a place where writers could work on their art... like an electronic version of what the Harlem Renaissance poets used to do. They used to build up works, tear down works, challenge the author's medium, purpose, voice... and we read their legacy to our children. He offered his services as a webmaster, and we got to work on the site. I named it for the magazine I eventually want it to become, nabbing the url before anyone else, and we discussed what it should do, and how it should be partitioned, or whatever it's called.

Point is, he wasn't helping me because he was believed in the idea. Maybe he did, to a small extent. What he was really doing was helping me so that he could get in with me, closer to me, etc. Feel better about himself because "look at what I do for her. She needs me."

That's fucking ego.
The "what's he got that I haven't" is ego, the "do you see me as just a programmer?" that's ego. The fact that he cant even STAY AWAY FROM ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT YOU DISTURB ME AND THAT I CANNOT BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU WITHOUT A BUFFER... is ego.

I'd expect if I told him that, he'd send me another email asking me to look into MYSELF about why that is. Oh wait, he already has.

Or that he sends emails (that I dont respond to) continuing a conversation that he's having with me in HIS HEAD since I am not participating in any way, and then sends me the responses (again, pages long) replying to things he either assumes I would have said, or believes me to have said. One such email begins, (quote) "You're right, I'm too clingy." I have NEVER said that to him. He sent me one-sided emails for about a month, continuing a conversation I never had. Ego. You don't know what I would say. Where do you get off, really?!

WTF? Who cares WHY you make me uncomfortable, YOU DO. End of story. Maybe it's that you keep coming to ME with all your troubles ABOUT ME. Who does that? Do you not have friends you can lament to? I tell you you make me uncomfortable, and you send me poems about what a poem to me would look like?

And you want me to look at MYSELF?


You sign off emails "< name >, #1 fan, #15 guy"

Another sign of ego. You have no idea who my number one fan is. My number one fan wants what's best for ME. Not what's best for me as HE sees it, or himself being what's best for me. And don't assume you know where you are on the list. Yes, there was a point where there were multiple people on the list, and that was stress in itself, cause I was like "where the heck did all these people come from and why the hell did they all decide to like me, and ooh, who is the tall one?" But you have NO IDEA where you are on the list. But I'll help you out with that.

You're not on it. Period.

Oh! I almost forgot! the part where he threatens to take his code from my site. If what? If I don't go out with you? Do you listen to yourself? How threatening and MANIPULATIVE and childish is that? And then (pure example of how he retracts things to make them "better" not realizing how exactly he's incriminating himself... says "I was just saying that you have no leverage." Oh? That statement made me laugh the hardest. Because I do, and I'm too nice to use it, and too smart to write it here. It also ties into my next post: When Men Lie, pt II, but I'll leave it off for now.

Anyways, for so long I wanted to scream, "get over me!"
Now, I find, I want to scream, "get over YOURSELF!"

Thank you, this has been most cathartic.


Wednesday, June 28, 2006

but the fing is

so remember the weird feeling I had that I'd just attributed to 500 calories a day?
Turns out it's a symptom...

of bronchitis. Not eating, fever... etc. So today I was diagnosed with the lung-battling beastly bacteria... only I've got the virus so I contracted the vicious virulent no good very bad bacteria.

fing is, every one was dropping out (and by everyone, I mean two people)... but these people are two of the three most important people of my life... the other one was like YOU ARE GOING NO MATTER WHAT...

keeping my spirits up and stuff...

turns out it was meant to be, cause had I gone, as I'm sure God knew I would have (and am still stubbornly contemplating... I could be better by Saturday! You don't know!) I'd probably be in much more of a world of hurt than I am now... home... off from work until after the holiday... "resting".

wtf is this "resting??"

Anyways, so a sign was probably that people couldnt go so that I could actually go to the dr's and not die in the wave pool from lack of oxygen & exhaustion or something.


More posts to include: "when men lie" parts I & II!!!!

I just need to finish figuring out how to protect everyone's identity first.


Friday, June 23, 2006

and yet... somehow

So, I'm going to Kings Dominion on July 01. Regardless of anything else I have to do that weekend, that is a definite. On July first, I will be making the hour-long trek from my home, caravan style, to the land of rollercoasters and wave pools. Theme park, here I come.

Prior to this event, I stressed mildly on getting a new bathing suit. The one I wanted was a white Victoria Secret bandau bikini with a floral design off-center that gets picked up again on the bikini bottom. All told, it would be 80$, before shipping. Then I went to buy it, and the top was backordered till the 2nd, and the bottom until August, neither of which helps me in anyway. Then I saw a really nice blue rutched skirt bandau bikini at macy's (.com), and that was about 60$. So we're going the right way, pricewise... anyways last Friday, Yang & I went shopping at Target, and I ended up with a green triangle top bikini with a belted bottom. It's very James Bond. I'm deathly afraid of the traingle/halter top... cause... well... I'm flat chested, and those only make me look more flat. I got one from the Gap (.com) last year because the model wearing it was flat and I thought "hey, she's small, it'll look like that on me! Great!"

Not so much. So I wore it once to go swimming, like an idiot, and now I can't return it. So it lives in my drawer, with the other suits I won't wear, and I became very weary of the halter. I figured I'd be good with the bandau. Cuts straight across, no worry about what the cleavage looks like.

Oh well.

So then I'm looking in the mirror thinking, "ugh, my god... it looks bad" and thanking goodness that I hadn't waited until just then to start my regiment of working out. Now we get to the point of the post.

In addition to working out, I decided to drop from a 2k calorie diet to a 1500 calorie diet just to help out with the fat burning a little. Only thing is, for the past few days I'd been feeling weird, which I'd just attributed to the heat, my crazy headaches when it's about to rain, and the fact that the threat of rain has been omnipresent for a long time, with thunderstorms happening at on a regular basis now.

Sidenote: Storm all you want now. I'd better have clear skies on July 01. Get it all out the way now, bitches.

Anyways... this morning it occured to me that I haven't had dinner for practically a week. Therefore I've blown my dietary restrictions by 1k... if you consider the 150 calories I have with my yogurt for breakfast, and the 270 calorie lunch I had... At most I've been consuming 500 calories a day. If I had a smoothie, the most I've had were 1200 calories... but even then, it's only a day. I've been doing this for about three weeks.

So yeah, at most I've had about 5-700 calories per day for about three weeks.

That's not good. At all. No wonder my body's screwed up.

But, how come I've only lost 5 lbs?!

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

f it all

I think I've regained my senses.
Everyone's different.
Some people are silent.
I can respect that.
I have to learn to take people at their word.
Maybe this is just a testament to my own underlying feelings of "what the heck would anyone see in me? I'm BORING"
I will learn much from this experience if I just learn to stop overanalyzing & just ride the wave.
Which is what everyone tells me to do.
Which is damn near impossible. My brain doesnt function on "experience."
My brain functions on "analyze."

Okay. I'm okay now.


World Refugee Day

According to, today was/is for another few hours World Refugee Day. As I browse through the associated link, I keep asking myself, "why does this exist?"

Not on an intellectual level, mind you, I get that a refugee is a displaced person seeking "refuge" from their homeland for whatever reason (usually persecution of some sort, often times famine). I ask myself on an emotional level. There's pictures of kids crying, tent cities, Albanian men jumping off deportation ships after being denied asylum... braving currents and bullets rather than being sent back... A Rwandans' mutilated faces framing the largest eyes I've ever seen, faces hardened by war, women setting laundry to dry on chicken wire encampments, pictures of children jumping rope - some being children, some having fun, some looking at them as if it's sacreligious... those I worry about. The children who grow up too fast.

They have a special place in my heart.

Elsalvadorian families taking refuge in cemetaries...

What kind of life did they have where the only course of action was to leave? What country would allow such a hardship to exist? What country still cares about its compatriots?

What happens to a person to make them leave the only home they've ever known and step into the unknown? Will a host country adopt them? Will they be sent back? What are the repurcussions of either action? The will of these people is strong.

In their eyes shine hope and fear, and yet, steel resolve.

God bless them.


When cats get their own TV shows.

It's true. Cats now have their own reality tv series airing on the Animal Planet. They took 10 orphaned cats and stuck them in this high end apartment on Madison Avenue, like The Real World, but then they have them taking tests like in Survivor, and the winner gets an endorsement deal with Purina or something, like in The Apprentice.

I mean, I'm all for animals & stuff, but there are people starving in the world. The endorsements alone that cover the expenses... Can't we send them to some nation? or how about the homeless shelters here in the US? How about disease research? How about local public schools?

Don't call me a cat hater. I have a cat. I have a hilarious cat. I love my cat. But this, this is taking it too far. This is an example of an acute displacement of wealth in America. We have so much of it now, we can fund ten cats? And not just anywhere, but Madison Avenue in NYC? Isn't NYC the city where the teacher created the assistance program 'cause he had no supplies? I'd be furious to know that my students come to school every day missing paper, or pencils, or that I don't have a projector because my class can't aford one, or they're cutting back arts programs in favor of math and science because we all know that music and drawing have nothing to do with math. Fractions have nothing to do with scales. Nothing.

God, this kind of shishi crap just IRRITATES ME. Here's an idea, let's take all that money, from the endorsements, from the airtime, from the hotel or apartment... let's put it back INTO something. Give it to the SCPCA and have them have a spay & neuter festival or something. PUT IT BACK, damnit, Animal Planet. Use it for a special on domesticated animals, if you have to use cats... but seriously. This kind of show is insulting.



the thing about space

I'm going to preface this by saying I'm hormonal. Take it with a grain of whatever preservative you choose to use. I also seem to have to get alot out. If you've read this far... you have my sympathy.

On myspace, there are these bulletins I became addicted to, thanks to Poppy. It's funny... he used to not be able to let an email survey go by, where I *never* filled them out. Then one day I thought, "well, what the hell" and did it. Since then, I actually started using myspace (for the videos) and I'd just get sucked in to completing another bulletin survey. The irony is that Poppy no longer does them. Punk.

Anyways, one of the most frequent questions asked on aforementioned surveys is "can long distance relationships work?"

I always answer, "yes," because I know from experience that they can. The key is communication, or so I thought. Today I learned another key.


There has to be interest. I always thought that the point was communication. But without interest, there's no point TO communication. Why bother responding when you're not interested? I swear, I'd pick up "He's just not in to you" but I think I'm scared I'd find out some people's true feelings.

Touching on feelings, TB always said something to the effect that "matters of the heart never make sense"... that's a paraphrase, and I know I butchered it, cause he makes it sound much more poetic, but anyways... I'd apologize for liking people and he'd shrug it off. He's a tough one, that man. But he's right, damn him. Why do I always like people I shouldn't be with? Either they're on the clingy side or they're on the "the only way you know I like you is cause I tell you so" side.

Which I have now come to despise. As of today, if you don't make a move, I write you off. Period.

This edict hurts already, cause it applies to someone I was starting to like. Who I have repeatedly written off, and repeatedly keep coming back to. This isn't good. This is friggin Briget Jones's Diary mess. But I mean, I have people constantly giving me chips like "thinking of you" or even just calling to see how I am, and from this one, nothing. Nothing like that, at least. Nothing to reinforce blue moon statements. Maybe he's shy. Maybe there's a justification for that, but all I know is I want to face him and say "I don't think you like me. Maybe you've convinced yourself you like me or someone else has. Let me stop wasting your time."

Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows. But I just dont want to be the one putting energy into something that doesn't face a return. Maybe he's just not romantic, and that's what I'm used to. Maybe he just doesnt DO chips like everyone else. Maybe that's not his gig. That's cool too... but like... if the only thing I have to go by is the fact that you answered your phone... C'mon. PLEASE let me stop wasting your time. Because I think I've gotten back to the point where I'd like to be able to go out with someone again, and if it's not gonna be you, I need to know before I actually let myself feel again. If I'm gonna start taking bricks down from this fortress I've spent years developing, I need to know that there's someone taking them down from the other side. Because I'm out of options. I've tried to engage conversation, and I get jack back. That's a hint to me in the negative, so I don't get why this person seems to want to spend time with me. I don't get it cause the words don't match the actions. USUALLY when I notice that, I'm out. But for some reason, some sadistic reason, I'm still here on this one.

Maybe I like torturing myself.


7 am text messages

I got a text message this morning from VJ. It read, simply,
"Good morning"

And... I dunno... it was just so friggin sweet! I'm still... I dunno... freaked at how that whole thing started, and how I missed like, all the signs of what happened, and Yang keeps reminding me of what happened so that I can remember... but I don't... it's all a blur. I remember him walking into the office, I remember asking Yang "what is that?" and I remember thinking "omg, just don't stand next to me and don't look at me and don't talk to me." Outside of that, I don't remember much of what happened. Somehow we all started talking about the club, and what club to go to, and if I go or not, and that I don't go but was planning on going on the 30th... and somehow...

< draws blank >

Somehow I ended up with a text message at 7 am reading "good morning."

I love sweet stuff like that. Like when Chicago sends me text messages telling me he's thinking about me. I love that stuff. I eat it up. It's like candy.

It's... what's the word? Romantic. I dig romantic. It busts a grin on my face that refuses to leave. All I have to do is remember a romantic thing someone did, no matter how bad the day is, and I'll get to grinning. Sweet stuff, sweet cute stuff just gets me.

Sunday, June 11, 2006


so I took May off from writing.
Funny thing is, I feel more screwed up now for doing it.. as far a smy ability (or lack thereof) to express myself.

So here I am trying to get back in the swing of it. Hopefully, my beloved blogspot, I'll not leave you for long ever again!