Friday, December 08, 2006

If one more person says "marriage"

Why is everyone in such a rush to get me out of the way?

1. I got proposed to today. It was beautiful, and there was this silence after, as he walked out, where I asked the other witnesses, "was that a proposal?" and everyone in the room said, "yes, I think it was..."


2. On the same day, my boyfriend (I have to keep pointing it out, because I have to keep reminding myself I have one, odd as that sounds) came to work and brought me the most beautiful picture of us, standing in the foreground of a house neither of us can afford atm. We're on the right (when you're looking at it) and my cat and a bird are on the left.

It's beautiful.

I think he's staking out his "territory"... letting people not only know he's in my life, but also that he does, in fact, exist. Like it's a silent way of saying "this one's taken, boys."

Thing is, my coworker decides to blurt out, "just let me design your wedding." Now, you've seen him all of ten minutes, seen us together all of 5, and you wanna blurt that out? Can I go somewhere without hearing the M word, as it pertains directly to me? You have to get to know a person VERY well before you do that. You can't just jump into it; that's prolly why so many people try to jump out of it. Can you live with every nuance, every tick, every anything? For the rest of your life? Can you compromise? Can you compromise yourself, selflessly for the party you love? Do you have the ability to fall out of love, but be so committed to the other person as to stick it out because if you're just patient enough, you'll discover something new in all the 15 years you've been married that you might not have noticed before and fall in love all over again.

Can you do that? Can you want more for them than you want for yourself? Can you agree on how to raise your children? Are you complementary? Are you culturally, socially, and (if necessary) religiously harmonious? Because whatever you think is "fine, we'll work through it when we get there" is going to creep up on you, and it'll get bigger than you thought it would and you're going to get a divorce because he disciplines your children and you think "spare the rod." Now there are children involved and your lawyer (if you have one) is going to be all about making him look like he's an abusive parent and whatnot.

Divorce is not for me. Therefore, let me be sure with who I want to marry. Because I am not getting divorced. Besides, what makes you think I havent heard, "just let me design your wedding" 5 times already? Whoever and I will design our own wedding. We will have accents that are distinctly him, distinctly me, and disctinctly us. YOU will be lucky to have an invitation at all.

3. Thing is, after all this, we had the drawing for the Secret "pal," since in our overtly pc world, "secret santa" may offend. Guess who I got? You got it! The man who proposed earlier that morning! Aaah, life has such a way of sneaking up on me!

4. Later that evening, he came to see a performance and I introduced him as my friend, and not my boyfriend. I actually tried. I really did, but it just won't come out. I think to make my mouth happy, I should just not worry about it, and just say "we're together," if anyone asks. But it's surprisingly difficult to say those words, "I have a boyfriend," "he's my boyfriend," "I'm his girlfriend." It's like, cant we just know what we are? We're together. But afterwards, I realized that maybe he wanted me to introduce him as my bf. I hope he wasn't hurt that I didn't, but I think he understands. The same way that he doesn't need to introduce me as his gf to his friends. I think most of them know about us by now anyway.

Then, he did something beautiful. More on that later, maybe.

I'm definetly growing with him. I may not end up growing old with him, but for right now, for this moment, I'm growing.

And *that* is beautiful.

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

the certified sadistic Disney loving dominatrix is actually a romantic

Friend: you there?
me: yes
me: =)
me: sup?
Friend: this really cute girl came into staples
me: AWW!
me: good job!
Friend: and she was all talkative and upbeat
Friend: and I was.....pretty quiet.....
Friend: I kept thinking:
Friend: "man, if I had game, I could totally impress her"
me: ...
me: this is where i stay silent and let you continue, right?
Friend: /shrug
me: go on
Friend: I'm leaving the country soon so stuff like this takes a back seat
me: no
me: then you'll get there and be like
me: i'm such the man! they like me
me: oh they only like me cause i'm new
me: man they dont like me at all cause i'm american
me: your insecurities do not stay behind. you take all sorts of baggage with you
me: look
me: for the final time
me: it's not IF you had game
me: you HAVE GAME
me: you just have to find a person who is playing the same game you are
Friend: k
Friend: something else,
Friend: were you online last night?
me: not for the whole night but for much of it
me: one solid chunk from 11-2
me: 11ish
me: 12-2
me: but i left my im up by accident
Friend: yesterday was the worst work day I've had in years
me: aww
me: how come
Friend: messed up a job
Friend: took 4 people the whole day to fix it
me: damn
Friend: manager had a fit
Friend: anyway
Friend: I was rip shit
Friend: all day
me: rip shit?
Friend: = annoyed
Friend: severely
me: awww
Friend: I came home
Friend: and
Friend: you were online (maybe)
Friend: and I looked at your name...
Friend: and just.....couldn't think of anything to say
Friend: so I didn't
me: awwwww
me: maybe it's cause i was in the middle of writing a term paper i haven't finished yet and wouldnt have been table to talk if you did
Friend: this is contradictory to my usual behavior
Friend: maybe
Friend: just wondering what it means
Friend: has my mind been altered
me: =)
me: maybe
me: so what stopped you?
me: tired of complaining to me?
Friend: um....
me: realizing your problems, while unique to you, may not be large to someone else?
Friend: maybe
me: that's growth
Friend: I was pretty sure there wasn't much you could do about them
Friend: I was pretty sure you're sick of hearing me bitch about stuff
Friend: but
Friend: often while all this is rather futile, friends like you have a way of easing them
Friend: if just emotionally
me: aww
me: even me? i thought i was mean
Friend: yes
Friend: you are
Friend: but you have your moments
me: even me?
me: damn
Friend: sometimes I think youre a certified sadistic dominatrix
Friend: others....not so much
Friend: you have a romantic streak
Friend: that you might be trying to suppress
Friend: but secretly, you miss it
Friend: you wish the world was more like Disney
Friend: mais, c'est la vie

upon further reflection

i also used to break up (or make the breakups start) right around the time that I started to fall for the person. I think that's attributed to the underlying guilt I still have from 5 years ago:

I can't move on & be happy until he's moved on & is happy.

Breaking the cycle is hard. I've found a guy, I am happy/could be happy with him, and yet... There's this age-old tug to cut & run... to stay friends because I might screw this up again...

I have to constantly check myself. Not constantly, but I'm recognizing that I have an issue and I'm checking it when it flais up, which is different than before. Before I used to give into it & get all hysterical.


Now I'm like, look. This is a good thing. Go with it. He's never coming back, and you're wasting time waiting for him. Look at what's in front of you. Love and let yourself be loved. It might turn out even better than before.

Besides. it wasn't real before anyway.

But it was still the best time of my life.


Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Is pride a bitter pill to swallow?

So I did something today. I dont know if it'll make me proud later or not, or if it'll even pay off.
But i did it. I went to someone's myspace page in order to gain access and message someone who used to be a friend of mine to ask them something.

That's not the pride part. Well, it's a small percentage of the greater fraction of the pride part.

Whilst there, before I hit message, I noticed tha this person has one of my exes on their top friends. And an ex of an ex. And though I do admit that I'm egotistical and selfish enough to think that there's a group of people out there whose only common bond is that they think I ruined their life (which could be true for two of the three... the ex of the ex I had nothing to do with), I know that there's got to be something out there beyond and besides me. So I put that thought away and it's replaced with this sadness.

This sadness that I used to be good friends with those two, and for whatever reason I'm not now. One I know, it was my fault... I'm a great girlfriend, but I suck at breakups. My last bf, I was proud of myself, I broke up with him with dignity, "look, maybe we're just better friends, let's just go back to that before this gets bad" and then he convinced me i was wrong just to call me a stripper in public, not learn to apologize and then break up with me. So that one wasn't me. But I think he liked me but loved his best friend which I would have been cool with had he just confessed it. But whatever. Slight tangent in the greater point that I am a good girlfriend. I practically live for the other person, and I give so much of myself that it's almost like a crash & burn. When it burns, it gets ugly. Well, there's this one person on the top friends who is a really good guy. Decent, dry humor, sarcastic... My mom hated him cause she thought he was holier than thou, and in a way he was, but that's what made it so great. cause it cracked me up.

But he's a good guy, we just weren't good. It's weird. i'm at this place now where I dont really have anything bad to say about any of my exes except maybe that guy but it's not really his fault because we all got trapped in the situation... but what I'm saying is, either I wasn't ready for them, or they weren't ready for me. And anyone who dated me post 2001 I apologize to cause I was a mess about certain things that I didn't trust you enough with.

There's also this part of me that just wants my friendship back. Things were so great before the relationship. This makes me feel like I fall into patterns. So I reflect:

I'm scared of new people, and dont trust relationships with strangers so I usually hang out with people I know. Then it develops into something. Let's call that love for now. Then I freak out, or I want out, and I make a mess and make it so the person never wants to talk to me again.

I tried dating someone from scratch once, and it's not for me. Thank God the cast was there to save me from that. What bothers me isn't that we're not together. What bothers me is that if all my exes are people I knew and was good friends with at some point, and I don't talk to my exes, my friend circle just gets smaller and smaller.

Soon, I'll have no more friends because I'll have dated them all.

Then I went through a period of time where I refused to see anyone. This worked because I made good friends, and while one and I will always love each other, I think we've passed the statute of limitations on relationships and our chance expired. He calls it bad timing. I call it the [I just wrote a bunch here and now I've deleted it just in case he's reading this]. Then there's another one whom I consider bad timing, cause by the time one of us rolled around to realizing we loved the other, the other had moved on. And it didnt matter which of us. that got painful and then it was gone.

But now, here I am again. A friend, from HS, like at least 2 others before him and I have gotten close. Pattern. I've given a chunk of me, but have held much of me back. Break of Pattern. We're going out now. Pattern. I don't want to break up, but I can't help but to be reminded of the fact that I have no friends because I've dated & broken up with them all. And they all know each other, cause we all went to HS together. I'm sure there's been the comparison conversation at least once, and that's exactly what I *dont* want to happen.

Aurgh. I feel like such a loser. But the POINT is, I want my friendships back, but I can't have them because _I_ am horrible with breakups.

Maybe I'm just a negative person. Like maybe there's this thing, where if I live on just the surface, and never let anyone close to me, I can be that girl again, with the tons of guys who likes her who doesnt really like anyone back but just needs to have guys around.

But that's not me. I'm not that girl anymore. I just want one.
And it freaks me out.

I want too much. I want my old best friend to realize exactly what he did and apologize for being a total spineless dick. I want my ex boyfriends to go back to being my friend, because that's where we should have stayed in the first place. I want this scared feeling of "am I repeating my mistakes, is this one that should have stayed in the friendship" feeling to go away. It's like hunger... it just creeps up on you, and you can avoid it for a while, but then it growls louder if you dont give it something to silence it.

And then I'm wondering why I do the things I do. React the way I do. About the relationship I'm in, I've never been so silent with my feelings before. Before, I'd cry all over the place and be all "why dont you love me like i love you, damnit? you're supposed to be like this: ____" But that's not love. That's comparison, and -let's face it- "this:____" doesn't exist anymore. He's nostalgia in my head, he's not coming back, and even if he did, we wouldn't work now. You can't compare people, you can only appreciate what you've got and who's giving it to you for what they are at the time. BUT, if you need romance, and they're not romantic, no amout of forgiveness, hints or screams will make them that way. So let go & move on.

I dunno, I just miss my friends is all. Wondering what I've done wrong. Realizing it's "confusing the signals." You don't have to go out with every one you get along with. And if you do, there's got to be a better way of saying goodbye to the situation without having to say goodbye to the person.

But whatever. Life is so much larger than HS, right? Even though you never really leave the environment or the people... the cliques and the stereotypes still exist; they've just gained a few (50) lbs, found or lost hair, and get paid more an hour.

Oh well. Sometimes I can't shake it. The feeling.

Noel says i'm gorgeous and that I've got nothing to worry about. But "God don't like ugly." You could be average, but your attitude is what's gonna sway the judges to gorgeous or ugly.

I dunno. I feel weird. Maybe I'm just lonely. Damn, my dad was right.