Wednesday, March 31, 2010


Didn't see that one coming. Happy though. Always wanted good things for him. Now, he's got good things for life. I hope it's for life.


Thursday, March 18, 2010

I love my life!

Life's great!


Wednesday, March 17, 2010

little tidbits

The Bear told me last night that he wanted to marry me, and could I hurry up and fulfill my dreams so that he could. He said he's been holding back all this time because he knew that I'd go into mom/wife mode, and give up my dreams to accomodate my new role in my new life.

He's right. I would have.

We are destined to never be together. That is our story, and that's what I told him. He and I will always be. And we will never be.


The Date (he needs a nickname, but this will do for now... Maybe the Nintendo) asked me today to vacation with him for a few weeks in another country.

I said yes.

Less than 24 hours, two very different people, two very different suggestions.

It's amazing what happens when you start living.


Saturday, March 13, 2010

Life is Beautiful

I have had the best two weeks ever. Delicious and fun.

I'm having fun!



Wednesday, March 10, 2010

I'm over it

It's funny. I woke up, and I thought to my self,
"You knew he wasn't it for you. Why are you upset that you were right?"

I breathed, and then I felt 75% better.

I'm so much better now.

God created me "Noble," therefore Noble I shall be.


Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Of course he did

Of course he waits until the day after I say he's not coming back and muster all my courage to ATTEMPT to move on to contact me.

Of course he does.

Of course he has a completely civil conversation and tells me he's coming down with a cold.

Of course he does.

Of course he's coming to my job, on the weekend I have to work a show, which I purposefully did NOT work the first weekend for this very reason. Of course he's coming this weekend. The weekend I'm working. And bringing someone I used t ocare very much about until my ex told me the other side to the story and all my notions and love for this friend came crashing down in a few of the worst weeks of my life.

Of course he is.

Of course, now I have to see the both of them, together, and put on a smile which will guard and mask how I truly feel.

Of course I do.

Of course, I will be gorgeous, and hospitable and fabulous.


Monday, March 08, 2010

Shoot, now what do I do?

Everything I'd planned just goes straight out the window.
Regroup, collect, and move forward.

Holy shoot, life just got more exciting!


The weekend

The weekend was interesting. A lot happened, much was accomplished, and in the end, I'm not really in a different place now than I was on thursday or friday. It's okay, though.

I have no idea what I'm doing. I do know that the best thing for me right now is to just stand still. Don't rush into anything, don't jump into anything. Just take this time to work on myself. I hate being alone, but maybe that's the best thing for me.

Face your deamons, and all that.

This is hard. It's much harder than I ever thought it would be. It's ridiculously difficult, and that's okay. I have Faith that I am on *a* path. If it ends here, that's okay. If it doesn't, that's okay too. Just stay on it and see where it goes.

One day at a time, and each day is different. Some days, I wake up with all the determination in the world. Some days I wake up and daydream that he'll have worked out his situation and will come back, so we can be great again. Then I have to think about how I can't compete with the real love of his life, and then I remember why we're not together.

It's not enough to want me to be with you. You have to want to be with me as well.
There is a subtle yet distinct difference. It's there, and the less balanced the scale is between the two sentences, the more unhappy the two parties are.

The only consolation I have is that I tried. I gave it my every atom, and it wasn't enough to break the spell. I am not the one for him. That SUCKS to have to admit, especially because I wanted to be, and for a brief, shining moment, I felt like I was. Reality said otherwise, however.

It's not me. I have to learn that in my heart and get over him so I can move on. He's not coming back. So I have to stop looking back.

I have to start looking in.


Sunday, March 07, 2010

One of these statements is a lie.

You can't cheat when you're single.

I went on a date friday night. For about three hours before I left home, all I could do was feel like I was cheating on my ex. Or the memory of my ex, or something.

I have to let him go. He's not coming back. If he was, he'd have done it already. So, with that in mind, and without turning into the 30 year old depressed single gal, I went on a date.

It was very low-key, I had dinner with a group of people I didn't know, and the best part, it was great. I was completely out of my element, and it was great!

I vow to leave the house more, to meet new people, have new experiences and live more. There are loads of fun to be had outside of my office and house walls.

I will stop waiting for things that will never happen and I will have more fun.

I'm smiling through a broken heart, but I'm still smiling.