Thursday, January 18, 2007

growing pains

Had a growing pain just a few minutes ago. Can't even call it an arguement cause we "argue" and "disagree" and "misunderstand" so civilly.

It's weird. I cann it a growing pain, because it's not an arguement. It's us, learning about each other, figuring out what things mean, learning a new way of talking, and growing.


Cheers to my man. The man who won't let me lose my cool. Who forces me to talk it out right there and then, to (ironically) communicate.

That's my man.

I love him.


Tuesday, January 09, 2007

maternal advice

my father gave me two points of advice once:
1. never root against your husband's team
2. lower your expectations or you'll end up old, bitter, and alone.

My mother, recently, added her bits.
"I hope you don't have any kids. This world is messed up enough, and the Wallace line needs to stop."

Well, so that basically reinforced the notion that I'll be alone. Maybe that's why I suck at relationships. Cause I'm destined to be alone.

Maybe I should just stick to the game plan B of graduating & travelling.
I dunno.
I feel like I very much want a reason to grow roots and stay.

I'm about to go to therapy, maybe to see just what I'm running from.
I've woken up every day this week with the resolve to call my insurance company & find out what I've got covered... and still haven't done it.


Maybe my answer is not to listen to the advice of divorcees.


reflections on a waistline

I've determined that the only time I lose weight is when I'm sick. While I've cracked many a joke regarding patenting my "flu diet," last night I realized just how true that "joke" is.

I've lost ten pounds.

Thing is, I'll gain it all right back, and then some...

But the realization that I'd lost so much made me reflect on my eating habits. I've had people note that I don't eat much, or that I don't eat at all, or that I forget to eat, etc. This, I contrast with I eat tons. I feel I'm always eating. So who is right? I can't judge myself, cause I could merely be in denial, but I don't think I'm as extreme as others would have me believe. So I've reconciled my mind with:

I don't eat often, but when I do, I eat alot.

This perhaps to keep me until the next time I might chance to eat something.

Who knows? I'm kinda scared that I've lost ten pounds, considering that the fast is only a few days away, since that's the time of year I usually reserve for weight loss. I don't really want to die... Besides, that's when I go from two meals a day to only one.

Maybe this is just "weaning." That's it. I'm weaning myself off of food.

Wasting away,

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I will not be the girl

"I will not be the girl/who gets asked how it feels/to be trodding along/at the genius' heels.../I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by"
-The Last 5 Years

So I sit, at home, bloated. And all I want is for my man to sit and have sympathy bloat with me and tell me how pretty I am even though I have a stomach virus and how I'm the prettiest girl with a stomach virus there is.

But I can't have that. Well, I won't even argue the point of "did you ask? maybe you'd have had it if you asked." No. Tonight coincides with a to-do for another birthday, and he'd asked me three times to go with him to that, so I know it means alot to him... And I remember I'd hinted at doing something for him myself this weekend, in honor of his birthday last Thursday, and I think he was game for my plans, but this stupid stomach flu burst that (among many) bubble(s), and now he's going out. Which is fine, mind you. I just wish I was going too. Instead of being home, alone, with nothing and no one to take my mind off of my digestive tract issues.

He offered to stop by, though, and I declined... because I knew if I saw him I'd try to make him stay because I really want to be with him atm.


I held back. He's in his prime, he should be out. I should be with him.

How depressing is that, though? Give up fun & stay with your bloated girl & make her feel better. I'm not that selfish.

I try not to be that selfish.

I think I'm that selfish.

But I wouldn't dare ask it in a million years. So I guess I'm not that selfish.

But then guests came in, and it was really sweet of them to come in & bring the fun to me since I couldnt go have fun with them.

b, off to find a good throne.

Friday, January 05, 2007

when anxieties attack

This sounds mean, but I'm used to being the good looking one in the relationship. Except for Brent, but he loved me so much for proving people wrong that he doesn't count.

Now I'm involved with a good looking man, and I dunno... I feel... is threatened the word?

Who knows. Maybe that's why I'm being so crazy. I don't want to lose the good thing I've got. There's a lot to be scared of, scared I'm gonna worry about fracking up so much that I actually will... scared of...

And I discussed this with a friend last night:

Scared of being happy. I managed my other relationships cause they didn't make me happy... it was my twisted penance for ruining the best man in my life up until then.

Now, I've got someone who is actually better suited for me. He isn't trying to rescue me; he's trying to support me. And that's something I've never ever had.

I don't know what to do with it, and some nights it tears me up inside. I feel like... I dunno... like all I have to do is let go, and take a risk, and let him in... and I just get stopped short.

I haven't let anyone in since... Since. And here's someone I could totally let go and let in, and I can't. I've been spending so much time living inside my fort that I forgot where the lever to let down the drawbridge is...

I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. I do know that I *have* to let it go. The reason why I'm hanging on to the memory I think (there's tons, so don't go "na-ah, you said the reason was X") I think is because marriage wasn't the answer. Marriage was the "solution" to the problem. We loved each other, and my life (family wise) was an absolute mess, so the way to fix it was to get hitched, move out, move in together, and start a new life.


But reality hit me before the dream died and maybe that's why I'm still holding on to that little hope of being rescued. But then there's the "what if" factor... What if he's out there waiting for me to make the first move?

Then I think, "Fuck that. YOU should make the first move. I've been making the first move for both of us for so freaking long. YOU man up."

Which returns me to the fact that we're NOT meant to be together after all, cause if you want something, you go get it, and you fight for it, and you make it work, and no one's fighting.

Except me.

For another man.

So that's when I realize that I'll be okay. My love isn't misplaced. It's just different. And that's okay. And I've got someone who wants to help me find the lever to my drawbridge, even if he's stuck on the outside.

And that's powerful. I've got someone who, despite me being confused because I don't have all the facts, still loves me. And I try very hard not to try his patience, but the fact remains that this is still new, and we're still growing, and most frusteratingly:

He's more popular than I am, and good looking, and amazing, and sweet and sincere and of course women are going to want to be around him, and I should let that go, and learn to deal with the fact that no one wants to be around a girl who's bloated, cabin fevered up to the hilt whose digestive system is more comparable to a goose than a Human being.


I'd be so lost without him, and THAT scares me more.

How did I ever become so dependent on someone? I gotta love me more.


Thursday, January 04, 2007

slides go down

I think I'm slipping into depression.
Is it possible to think you are? I thought depressed people never actually believed they were depressed. I think... I think I am and that I have a long road ahead of me.

Something's wrong and I can't place it.

So it must be me, right?


catching up

I know I've been gone a while...
alot happened. One thing was a really scary experience and I still haven't felt it yet. I think I can't feel it until I feel like I'm in a safe place to break down. My mom was with me, and I have to be strong for her sake so much, because she's got this habit of freaking out in scary situations, and we were in one together, but i still haven't dealt with it.

prolly wont. i just want to.

i just prolly won't.

I'll just roll it into the list of all the other things I have to worry about LATER.


I refuse to compete

So the more I sit on this, the more it bothers me.

My bf calls me to tell me he's swinging by & picking up a birthday cake. That someone else baked him. I'm so fired up that you can't even see it... What's another woman doing working my job?

But I'm too ill to leave the house, and too ill to see him on his birthday, so the idea of the dinner I'd planned here since I'd been here all day with nothing else to do seemed out, plus when I spoke to him, he didn't make any mention of wanting to swing by & see me on his day (which didn't bother me in the least, ironically... because of the whole "i'm sick" point).

But the more I sit on someone else making him cake, the angrier I get. So, I scrapped mine.

I refuse to act in competition for roles I should have by default.

Sorry, I just needed to let that out before it exploded and I didn't have anywhere else to go with it.

Just to clarify... This isn't jealousy, it's pain. Pain that he needs someone else to do my job. I don't get jealous, I get hurt.


okay I'm over it. I should be glad that he got a cake at all, right? Since he's always talking about how people always forget his birthday? I'm going to choose to be happy that someone was there to step in for him. And IGNORE that that person wasn't me.

Rocks Crumble

The shit part about being "the strong one" is that you're not necessarily strong because you actually are; you're strong because other people need you to be.

What happens when the rock that has been holding back the waves disappears?

The villagers have to fight the waves themselves.

Everyone wonders where the waves came from, some people remember the rock but

no one

asks how the rock feels, having been crashed against, worn down, and finally toppled.

But all that's left is rubble anyway. Not that you can see it; the sea claimed its property.