Thursday, December 11, 2008

quote of the day

cire: i'll be back in a bit, go listen to some country or hard rock while i'm gone

me: that's like saying go f* yourself

cire: well, we all get lonely sometimes...

Sunday, November 02, 2008

you've got me all wrong

you're wrong about me
I'm not strong
I'm a little girl
waiting at her window
for her father to come
wondering where he's gone
and when he's coming back
who grew into
a big girl
waiting at her window
for her love to come
wondering where he's gone
and when he's coming back

and no one ever has.

Instead of scrapping everything
I'm still waiting at the window

so no
I'm not strong
I'm broken and no one's got the
time or energy
to fix me
even though it's no one's
to fix me
but my own.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

always bare

i no longer believe in marriage.
on a romantic scale, it's lovely.
in reality, it's crap.




i can't breathe.
something is wrong with me and i can't figure it out.
i need to make a dr. appointment.


Saturday, October 18, 2008

writing clears the mind

at least, it clears mine. the things i put on the page... it's like i've given them to God, and I don't have to worry about them anymore.

so i've put two pages of catching up in my journal.

i went to a slam poetry event last night and started writing the frames of several new poems. they're mostly about my ex, but i'm looking at them as a kind of therapy. i've held alot in for a while, creatively and emotionally, and it's time for me to start healing.

gawking over good looking guys is not healing.

doing stupid stuff to numb the pain is not healing.

it's time to heal, and as it turns out, i've alot to say.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Dear Ritah

They leave... because we want them to stay.


Tuesday, October 07, 2008

I no longer write.

Sunday, September 21, 2008

shows shows and more shows

what would i do without raymond?
my shows are over. thank goodness.
now i can redirect my focus on work. and all the work (and no pay) that goes with it.


what else...

I got precast as amneris.


Raymond totally took it from me, cause he's all "you're not challenging yourself."

he's right. i'm not. i dont have the time to atm. right now i just need easy fluff that keeps me in the picture and in people's minds and onstage.

so there.


Saturday, September 13, 2008

Still alive.

Alot has been going on.
There are things happening I'd love to share here, but can't.

There are opinions I have regarding current state of affairs I'd love to share, but can't.

There are major stressors in life I'd kill to express but can't.

All I can say is I'm still here. Still alive.

Kicking; for I have no choice.

In the grand scheme of things, nothing I complain about is really all that bad. Stressful, yes indeedy, but nothing's majorly bad. Maybe a heartbreak that won't go away (believe me, I've tried) but in all, nothing really to report.

If you called me on a regular basis, you'd already know anyway. :P

In the end, for some reason, I can't escape the feeling that if only I marry a Scotsman, all would be fine.

What is that?


Friday, August 08, 2008

bullet point catch up

i'm in a show.
was asked to be in another show.
that's two shows before september ends.
work is crazy: they're changing over the way we do things; doing away with one software in favor of another, more unifying software, but i won't be able to use either for the first week of school and will be flying blind and hate that.
school is crazy: i'm killing myself but it's done.
boys: i'm returning to the old banafsheh. the one where i used to have loads of boys around, but no real prospects. I love that banafsheh. I'm more comfortable being one of the guys.
the corgi and i have assumed roles in our relationship. he's the jet-set husband, i'm the homemaker wife. it works, and it's great to have a place to put that energy again.
no, we're not married. or together. we just... slip into these roles when we're together that he seems to always initiate, like asking me to move in and watch his son while he's gone or *telling* me that he's made me his ICE contact instead of asking me if I'd mind.

that's more than a bullet point.

went on two outings in one day.
the first one... didn't suck but doesn't have the potential the second one does.
the second one impressed me.
i am game for another outing with him.
very soon.
he makes me laugh.
and it's been so long since i've laughed. boisterously. without any reservations. disgustingly loud. and it hurt parts of my face i haven't used in forever and it was great.
had different people ask me about or tell me they saw the ex, which ripped a hole in my heart, though i held up well. then, a day after the last person asks me how he's doing, i see him in person. stood five feet away from him for ten minutes and didn't know.
my heart couldn't take it, and mid conversation, i just had to walk away.
God totally tested me. I acted like I was over him, and God just sent out a little reminder that I wasn't.
That sucked.
But I recovered.
Thanks Chicago.
Thanks Homefry.
Thanks Boss.
Thanks Bear.
Thanks Corgi.
Thanks Actor.
Thanks Tech.

For different reasons, but you all remind me I'm awesome until I can remind myself.

had coffee read by someone else. The coffee thinks I'm awesome. I just have to catch up to the coffee.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

quote of the day

"you get distracted by food, cars and members of the opposite sex. you're... a dude."

Monday, June 30, 2008


The past couple of days have just reinforced the notion that my feelings are better left between myself and God.

My new life as an introvert begins.


Sunday, June 29, 2008

but i'm not sad one bit

I'm addicted to the following shows:
platinum weddings.

Bridezillas makes me laugh and cringe.
Platinum Weddings makes be believe in romance.

Somewhere lies the reality.

I'm terrified of marriage. Everything I see tells me it's possible to make a mistake. I watched the end of the Wedding Singer... I still haven't seen the whole flick...

This post is discombobulated but oh well.

I had my coffee read, and apparently I've already met my future husband.

I've started writing again.

I've started to not rely on my friends being there. I think I might put too much pressure on my friends to be there for me, and I realise that they might not really be there for me at all, so I've pretty much given everyone a free pass out. Those who want to stay have stayed. Everyone else it's like... it wasn't meant to be or maybe they've fulfilled their purpose.

This is tricky because I'm also learning not to boil my friend options down. I pretty much have one social circle. But I'm learning that it's okay to not only have friends outside of that, but also to engage and hang out with those other people on a regular basis.

The catch is knowing who is worth the time and who isn't.

I'm too damn picky.

It's funny; I'm picky with my friends but not picky with my men. I have zero standards when it comes to men... you just have to like me. It's not from desperation... it's from not wanting to be wrong. Like... what if true love was in the [insert string of adjectives here] that I passed on? You never know what form love will take.

So I've been writing and reflecting alot. Anything else you should know? Reconnecting with some people, not forcing some friendships, forging some new ones.

and thinking of all the people who are taller than me that I know.

bwa. haha. ha. hahaha.


Tuesday, June 03, 2008

for crying out loud

Things happen on God's time.
Not yours, not mine.


My eggs are not expiring soon.
A husband is not going to magically appear.

If you need to see a wedding, propose to someone yourself.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

thing is, though

there's this man. whose going through some stuff. and he pulled me into it, and then... disappeared.
and i cried about it and huffed and puffed and he makes no sense to me and i cried about it some more to his best friend about how he says actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming that he doesnt want me but occasionally he throws me a bone with some words but hates it when i say "you're saying enough just to keep me around" and then his best friend (who sees life the way i do) kind of explained him to me...

"thing is, he's gathering the courage to say the little bits he says. so it's taking him days to say what you need to hear, because he's scared, and then he says it, and the timing's horribly off because of everything that's happened up until that point, but all he can say is what comes out. bad timing and all. then you point out the bad timing by not believing him cause you've got the memories and pain of everything he's not doing, and he retracts further because he may as well not say anything at all."

I sort of understand that. Then I said,
"it's like he's so afraid of hurting me, that he's hurting me."

to which the friend replied, "you just answered your own question about the whole matter right there. you just summed it all."

To which I then review. It doesn't solve all the issues, but it definetly provides a new perspective lens for me to view his actions through.

He wants me to spend the night. There's no way I will, but one night he gave me a hug and i said, "go home" and he said "i *am* home." i rolled my eyes.

maybe i shouldn't have. It's just that he's stuck me so far on the outside to protect me that none of it makes sense. but i think he's responded to the email complaint i sent him, because he's starting to return to the time when he'd tell me about plans or stuff. he's kind of starting to include me... and at first i was like "why is he telling me this stuff that has nothing to do with anything?" then i realised, "oh... he's trying to include me. oh. he's sharing. ooohhhhhhhh. hush up and go with it."

he's trying.
i'm trying.

it's frustrating.

parkpoliceman says i'm stupid for being in this position in the first place. he says if the end result is to get married and pop out his babies, then i should stay. but if that's not what i want, i should move on to a man who can give me what i want when i want it.

this isn't entirely a quote, but it's basically the jist and he did call me stupid for staying. Only I think this paints an unrealistic picture of what a relationship is like. no one is going to give me what i want when i want it unless I pay them and that's just not how i roll. but yeah.


none of this helps.


Wednesday, May 28, 2008

darn it.

all of a sudden,
not only have i bought a biological clock,
but its alarm, without being set, is ringing.

i want to fall in love, get married, have lots of sex, and even pop out some kids.

what the hell happened to me?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008


"If You're Not The One"

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

Monday, May 26, 2008

best. weekend. ever.

girl's weekend out.
I was fully prepared for it to suck.

I was not prepared for the "weekend of firsts"

it was mad crazy.

in the end, I learned alot:
how to live in the moment.
how to live without a plan.
how to [edited].
how to let things go.
how to be treated like a lady.
how to demand treatment like a lady and expect nothing less.
how to [edited again].
[just plain edited].

and, after everything,
I'm in like.
And it feels really, really good.
The weird part is, I've no idea how old he is.
But we rock.
Like is good. I like "like."

We'll see. I'm not holding my breath or anything. And, I've got a few loose ends to clean up, like the bear (who has got to go) and the feelings for my exbf that I haven't gotten over yet.

Yes, they're still there. It takes me a while to move past people. I allow them so much into me and my heart that I can't just "move on" at the snap of a finger. But I can't let my fellow mixed scotsman in without letting someone out so I've got to get to steppin on that.

You read me. Mixed Scotsman.
I like like.
I'm in like.
I think I'll stay here for a while.
The water's fine.


b, who saw firsthand that everything happens for a reason, and everything works out the way it's supposed to.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

here's the thing

I'm depressed.
I'm completely unhappy with my life.
And it's all because I have refused to take the risks necessary towards my happiness... I have been forced to take the happiness out of my life because it's not...
the proper way of doing things.

I'm done with the proper way of doing things.

Kelly and Raymond have worked me pretty hard. They don't know they have, but they have. Raymond had me in tears tonight. Just soul tears; the kind that come when your soul is crying because someone spoke the truth to you and you can't handle it with words... your spirit is responding under all of the sh*t you've buried it under, screaming out in salt water communication: "I'm here. I'm still here, and I'm listening."

Raymond killed me tonight.

And then he hit me with "I love you" and the more he said it, the more I cried.

I'm moving to chicago.

Thought you all should know.


Tuesday, May 06, 2008


is it that just because you have a connection with someone
no matter how plutonic
people think there's something going on?



a poem i wrote last night...

four letter words

love is a four letter word like
shit is and
shit is what you get when
they really want to
fuck you so they
fuck with you until you
feel like
and it's all in the
name of love

see I
love like
doused with alcohol and gasoline and fed dry crisp wood
smother me I dare you for if not
I will consume you
love I love anyway no I will not
fuck you but fuck
with me and I won't know the difference
cause I can't see through
Not his shit not your shit not the shit of the man whose spot you're standing in not the new shit the kids are slinging these days not old shit not young shit not foreign not homegrown. But
tell me you love me and that shit
sure sounds good to me but
how is it that though
I won't fuck you I somehow
get fucked over by you
is that love or is that the
same old shit
I have been conditioned
to accept shit for love
lesson learned
fuck. shit. love.


nope nope and more nope

It's all wrong.
We're both just trying to fill a hole the other person left. That's all it is.
I have to move on.
With everything.
But the days go by so fast... I blink and it's already friday.
Some stuff is looking up, though.
I think I was sent a person... a guardian Angel... who is going to help me not bury myself in the depression I feel I'm burying myself in.

I've been loving the wrong person.
I aught to be loving me.


Saturday, April 26, 2008

he said he's sorry.

Don't stick me on the outside.
You pulled me out of my comfort zone; it's partially your responsibility to catch me when I fall. Make my trek outside my box a comfortable one, and I'll stay.

Stop inconveniencing the rest of us just because you're stubborn.


Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. You know I'll forgive you.

It's uncomfortable for me, when you say things like "I messed up..."
I'm not used to hearing that, and it's awkward and I don't know what to do.

I've never known when to leave a man. My parents never really taught me how to function in relationships, and granted there's not much advice either of them can give me that I'd take without tables of salt. However, Lorraine Hansberry's Raisin in the Sun offered me with advice that I've taken such to heart that I think it's mucked up some breakups, but there it stands:

Child, when do you think is the time
to love somebody the most?
When he's done good and made things
easy for everybody?
That ain't the time at all.
It's when he's at his lowest...
...and he can't believe in himself
because the world's whipped him so!
When you starts measuring somebody...
...measure him right, child.
Measure him right.

There's something about that that has rung so clearly and true straight down to my soul... When a man is at his lowest, that's when he needs love the most.

That's what I do. That's all I know how to do, is love people.
It hurts, but there it is.

Any other ladies reading this, these are your instructions. Love him when he's at his lowest. Like I said, this backfires for me sometimes cause I don't know when to leave well enough alone and walk away.

Well, anyways, my heart's confused enough as it is.

Just thought I'd share. I'm not mad at you. Frustrated, yes; mad, no.


Sunday, April 20, 2008

it's not about me

it's not about me.
i know that.
it's not about me.

but it's just one more person leaving.
damnit, ritah.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

i can tell you what it isn't.

it's not love.
it's me trying to fill the hole that the musician left.

i knew it was too soon.

what am i thinking?


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

On the flipside

I know I've said he's all wrong for me.
He can't have kids and I'm scared to death of pregnancy.

That's a plus.



bumper sticker of the day

"if you can read this, introduce yourself."

Monday, April 14, 2008

if you love something let it go

it's weird.
i think he knows on one hand if i go, i'm never coming back.
i think he's holding out that what we sort of have is strong enough to pull me back.

he knows better than to ask me to stay. he knows i've wanted this my whole life.

i think he loves me... the way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me, the way he speaks softly to me, the way he remembers everything... i think that's why he gets quiet about me leaving... he let me know in january that if he had his way i'd stay, that his obvious choice if he had a vote is for me to stay, and he knows that if i stayed i'd be miserable.

so in answering his own vote, he wants me to go and live my life of no regrets.

too bad he can't come with me.

he wont help me leave, i know that much. he isn't going to help me research countries, or programs, or certifications. he'll just stand aside while i gather all my data, make a decision and let him know when my plane leaves.


and then he'll drive away, to his home, that he asked me to join, and continue the life he has, without me.

knowing, praying, wishing i'll come back.

That's the movie version. When I come back, he'll have moved on, there will be a woman in my place and no room at the inn for me.

What am I coming back FOR?


Sunday, April 13, 2008

i hate virginia

hate is a strong word.
i have an aversion to virginia.
it's less than a half-hour's distance, and yet, i rarely, RARELY go there. I've got this allergy to the bridge and 395, it seems.

One of my absolute best friends... scratch that. My absolute best friend lives in Virginia, and I hardly ever see her. This is because my life revolves around work and school, primarily, but it burns my brisket that she's so close and yet I hardly ever see her.

We ought to be hanging out regularly, you know? Proper mates. People would love to be close to their mates, and here I am close to mine and hardly ever see her.

We talked about being roommies, and all the spots I looked at were all around here, in maryland, or a little further south from where I live. This is how lovely she is: she not once said "hey, dipstick, can we look for something a little closer to where MY point of reference is?" Seriously I was not looking in Virginia. But her whole everything is there, her friends, her family... but she didn't let on once. She's a champion.

Here's something slightly related, but not completely directly related to her. Recently, she called me on some shit, and it hurt because I really didnt see what she was talking about. Then, I found myself about to be in a similar situation, and something clicked...

I learned something about myself: I can't hang out. I have to be doing something. So in a way, this friend was right. When she'd say "it's been too long, we have to do something," my instinctive reaction was to say my standard, "I haven't got time." And that blanket statement kind of shut down any future invitations, as I think she was waiting for me to let her know when I was available. In the meantime, other folks were asking me specific things, like "we're going to see X at Y cinema on Z day, want to come?" Most times I'd say, "can't I'm working." Sometimes, I'd go. And while I don't go to all of those either, there was something that I set aside time for to do. Even though I said I wasn't going to last week cause I had to work, I somehow got out early and still made it... but now I digress. When my friends give specific things, I usually make the time to go, if I can. **IF I CAN** Which is still not always, but sometimes, moments come up where I can shift something around for a few hours.

I thought she had her own set of friends that she hung out with, cause the invitations stopped coming. I didn't understand that the invitations had ceased because I'd given a blanket "no." In fact, I hadn't even considered that I'd even given a blanket "no." Now I see why she thought that I was shirking her friendship. I couldn't before, but I do now.

Took me some time, I guess. Now I'm asking her to come to everything I get invited to, and she's telling me no. Maybe one day she'll be able to say yes. That would be lovely.

Ironically, throughout my ranting of the evils of Virginia, Virginia is where we've chosen to go for my birthday. Girls weekend out, nothing but us single ladies, beaches, and trouble. Nothing like historical property to get the girls in trouble, eh?

We'll see.

So back to one of the main points, I'm sorry for having given a blanket statement about my schedule. Took me a bit to realise it, but I'm sorry.


one more thing

he sort of asked me to move in with him.


leaving on a jet plane

it's begun again.
it was my fault for falling into the trap and thinking i could stay.
i think he knows...
i'm leaving.

Saturday, April 12, 2008


it's not much, but it's all we have.

Monday, April 07, 2008

he's back.

Park Policeman is back.
He's ready to lay it all out.

I saw him today, and he let me know without a shadow of a doubt, that he was the choice above all other choices.

He laid it all out.
According to him:

He's single, has bought his own home, has no children or prior marriages, and makes well enough to have all his comforts and still be able to afford more.

His home is immaculate. He's completely redone everything, from light fixtures to bathrooms to flooring and tile.

We're having dinner next Monday.


Sunday, April 06, 2008

no one wins because everyone loses

And pain only cycles.

Recently, a friend of mine said some very, very hurtful words to me. She was expressing her frustration over something- a situation between us- and it manifested in the exchange of some very, very hurtful words. Especially when it took me a while to process and understand where she was coming from. What was worse, was the feeling that she could just shut me out so completely, that when I attempted to address her concerns, I felt I was met with hostility and indifference.

To be fair, she did not completely withdraw, and she always answered my messages. Let's be clear on that point.

However, when I approached her about the nature of her words, and informed her that if she wanted to hurt me, she'd succeeded. Her response was that perhaps that *was* her intention.

In turn, her words wounded me so deeply, and added to some other personal issues I was having at the time, that I shut down. I mean, what is the point when people feel that you've wronged them, and so they return by deliberately trying to hurt you? Why she couldn't just feel comfortable enough to come to me with her concerns and lay them out beforehand, I'll never know. I would have appreciated it if before lashing out and saying something beyond hurtful, she'd have called or emailed or texted or chatted me up and said "look, this is how I feel..." and yelled/screamed/shhouted/cried whatever about what was on her mind.

But I can't put my wishes on other people. So it stands:
She was hurt.
She hurt me.
I shut down, which only:
Hurt her.

Now, I haven't been home practically all day yesterday, from the early am until 5:00 am this morning. This morning, when I finally woke up, I had some messages from her asking me where I was and basically saying that she understood I needed space.

I responded to her, and it appears that now I'm on the out again.

Further complicating matters, a third party has now felt the right to approach me on my conduct and provide an opinion on something which in no way, shape, or form involves them.

Honestly, I have chased. My friend is hurt, and I chase. When I'm hurt, I get "whatever."

For the record, and please, all, do take note, as this next bit is in respone to the person who felt the need to involve themselves in my business:

I do not push my loved ones away. You have no *idea* the pain my friend's comment gave me, so do not presume to know that she hurt me "a little" and I responded by hurting her "a lot." Not once have I done or said anything to deliberately wound a person I'd consider a close personal friend. Do not presume to know my behavior, or suggest that I apologize.

For the last time, stay out of my business.

I stand by my post about loving people when they hurt you. When I wrote it, I honestly wasn't including this particular friend in it. I was surveying the latest developments in my life, the past and present, and expressing a desire to make a conscious choice not to trust the people whom I will meet in the future in the hope of avoiding this cycle.

Life is grey. Life is not black and white. Why does my being in pain = you being a bad person? It doesn't. Why can't this just be a growing pain or a misunderstanding? Why do I have to question myself and my feelings and my life because of a misunderstanding you had which could have been cleared up had you simply asked me, instead of feeling like I deliberately avoid you?

Why did you read into things that had nothing to do with you and decide that it was all about you?

I come to you when I take something you say personally. Why can't you do the same? Come to me first, before assuming it's all about you.

You hurt me, I brought it to your attention. The truth about why you were mad came out, and I told you what happened. We seemed to agree to disagree.

I'm not sorry for considering you first for everything I make time for. I'm not sorry for being there for you as much as I can be, even when you push me away and say hurtful things.

As I said before, I'm still here for you.

However, you hurt me, it still hurts, it's a deep, deep wound.
And I will not apologize to you for being hurt by you. Why is it okay for one person to lash out when they're hurt and angry, but if I do it, suddenly I'm in the wrong?

I don't think you're a horrible person. I don't think you're the bane of my existence. I think you lash out when you perceive pain, and for the first time, I've gotten a taste of how painful it can really be. But I refuse to try to meet you halfway and get the cold shoulder. I refuse to believe that the time and energy spent in this friendship can be gone like a snap of the fingers.

But any relationship is built on trust and faith, and when those are gone from one party, the relationship falters.

So, here I am, publicly declaring that I have not lost faith or trust in the relationship I have (active) with my friend.

But you hurt me. And I'm not apologizing for it.


Saturday, April 05, 2008

human nature

never again will I love people.
Because the moment I do, everything hurts like hell.
Friends, boyfriends, family.

All of life's lessons boil down to:

If you have no expectations, no one can ever hurt you.
If you don't give your heart to anyone, no one can break it.

My problem is, I keep loving my friends, and they keep hurting me.
Solution: Stop loving your friends.


Friday, April 04, 2008

wow... just... wow.

I cannot believe a statement a friend of mine said yesterday. I thought I'd get over it, but the fact is, I haven't.

I really can't believe she said that to me.
Seriously, what's the point?


Tuesday, April 01, 2008

the shame game

I was shamed today.
I deserved it.
It just adds one more layer onto what I've already got on my shoulder.


then you snap

The problem with listening to people, is that you can't take everyone's advice.
You go crazy trying to.


bad habits die hard

i have a bad habit, where i compare behaviors exhibited by current sqeezes, boyfriends, potential boyfriends, whoever, to exes.

Thing is, I'm ususally right.

Therefore, it's a horrible, depressing shock that the bear, the potential, is exactly like the first love of my life.

the way everything happened. exactly the same.

it's put me in such a bad mood. and you might ask, why is that bad? isn't that supposed to be great? And I'd respond, you're right, it's supposed to be great, only it's not. it's awful beacause i have no idea where his head is at. And what kind of crap idea is it to fall for a man you dont realy know, yet feel like you've known all your life?


besides, it's all wrong. everything is wrong about it. and the only thing that's succeeded in happening is more pain for b.

he's all wrong for me and i love him.

i said it. there. I keep praying to God to help me forget him, and it's not working. I've been praying for forgiveness, and I just want my life back the way it was.

Nothing works. it's like he came in and just screwed everything up.

In other news, my reputation at work was successfully DESTROYED today. Officially. She's out to get me, and she's got me good.


Saturday, March 29, 2008


You know,

my blog is really depressing.


everyone who says that they're a friend


he still makes me cry


Male Candy and What Kind of Whipped Are You?

There's a teacher at the school who refers to candy as female and male.
Male candy contains nuts.

There was a discussion yesterday about certain... shall we say... relations... regarding men and women. That inspired another teacher (the quorum was made of females) to speak up regarding the two types of "whipped" that exist in women:

Women who Pussy Whip
and Women who have been Dick Whipped.

She urged us all to Pussy Whip our men. In doing so, you never have to worry about him stepping out on you. She noted that women who have issues and drama, it is usually because they've been Dick Whipped, and are worried because they don't know where they stand.

Now, I've imparted this wisdom upon you. Take it and do with it what you like.


daddys like me

Yesterday one of the kids dads gave me his number.
The tally of men who have asked me out who have children now stands at three.
The tally of men who have asked me out who do not have children stands at one.

I don't mind, oddly enough. Less pregnant I have to be =).

Seeing a man with children offers it's own set of drama. Exes, ex spouses, ex girlfriends, past women with current ties.


One parent just won't work. He's gorgeous, but... I see his kid every day so that's out, plus I'd have to see the exwife at some point, and there's too much family drama there without me sticking myself in the middle of it. One parent... He's gorgeous, but I see him every day. His kids like me, which is good, but heartbreaking. The whole thing is heartbreaking. The third one... I think he has the right idea. I haven't met his kid, and I probably won't until and unless it gets serious. On the flipside, I kind of like how the second one has introduced his kids, cause we're all friends, and it gives him an opportunity to gauge their reaction and acceptance or rejection of me.

The problem is, I love his kids. One of them is a little too smart for her own good, and she's wise to the fact that her dad likes me. She's hilarious though, in a "what she doesn't say speaks louder that what she does" sort of way.

He likes me. And I think I might like him right on back.



Thursday, March 27, 2008

pruning hurts

today the corgi said that i was like a little butterfly, still in my cocoon, growing wings. it was really cute when he said it, with a touch of the poetic.

I have a kind of not really date in two mondays. Park Police Man is back, and I think he asked me out... but I'm not sure. Basically it's my turn to see his house. So we caught up some, and we reminisced some, and I asked him why he dropped off the face of the planet and he said because he'd gotten the "dont talk to my woman" look from my bf at the time. Which kind of begs the question, "then why did you call... did you hear we weren't together anymore?" but I didn't ask. I'll ask when I see him. He must've heard cause he didn't seem surprised when I told him, beyond a generic "man I thought ya'll were forever..." which is the same thing I'm used to hearing which is fine cause the more I heard it the easier it got. Anyways, I'm seeing him soon.

Which will be nice.

In other news, I'm being punished for making the bear happy. I'm not taking it that seriously, but it still hurt. I've since gotten over it though. Speaking of the bear, who knows if he's free? He doesn't. Further, he's missing the birthday and is skipping out on the next two fridays. But that's somehow okay because I'm such a forgiver.


Here's the thing. I don't want to jump from one relationship to another. In fact, I'm resisting it with every fiber of my being, and I think that's why I'm pursuing this non-date date with PPM in the coming monday. But I'm SO DAMN LOYAL that it's really hard to look at anyone else, even though I'm completely single and need to be seeing PEOPLE right now, and NOT playing house with anyone. So I'm glad that PPM spoke up when he did, cause he's safe, and we can just... hang out instead of it being a date date. In fact, considering how PPM's get-together goes, I might take the other guy up on his offer, considering I owe him a lunch and all.

I need to learn how to "see other people." Dating does not mean exclusive. I need to learn this. I just always feel like I'm betraying someone. But I'm learning.

Like the corgi said, I'm in my cocoon, about to become a butterfly. He asked me, "what do YOU want?" and it totally caught me off guard, because I had not considered my voice before. I don't want to go from one relationship into another. I know that. I know that the more we hang out, the more it feels like that, and I know that people have a way of making a couple where the couple hasn't agreed to be one... then it only takes one person to buy into that and then it gets awkward. Do I like him? Yes. Could I be in a relationship with him? Yes. Do I want to right this second? No. Do I think it's wise to get in one with him right this second? NO. Do I think I should be in a relationship with ANYONE right this second? No.

All I know is that if I had my way, I'd be with the bear. Situation and all. I'd be in his arms, being fed grapes with a flat ginger ale by my side. But I can't have what I want. And this is kind of one of those "test of time" things, where who knows what would happen if one of us left for an extended period of time. Would we get over it? Would the withdrawal still hurt as much? It *hurts* when he's not around. As in physical pain. I wonder how he is, where he is, what our plans are and how we can make things work. Then I think, all that's dumb. It can't work.

This will only end in my tears.


I'm tired of heartache.


Tuesday, March 25, 2008

I'm too scared.

That's why.
I'm too scared, and I like living in denial.
It's really not a bad place to live.
It's cheery here.


Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Monday, March 10, 2008


i did a little experiment.
question: what happens if i move out?
hypothesis: mom will be able to survive somewhat, and my responsibilities will be lessened.
materials: money
procedure: dont pay my share for one paycheck.
results: all of her checks bounced.
conclusion: I can never leave.


Sunday, March 09, 2008

Saturday, March 08, 2008

and they were green

We watched part of Stomp The Yard, and I squealed for Brian J. White.
We discussed the difference between gym cut and muscle protein builder cut.
We discussed the perfection that is Megan Good's physique, and I was informed that my rear mirrors hers.
I applauded having a movie star's ass.

Then I was fed grapes.
And they were green.


Saturday, March 01, 2008

what am i doing

i think
for me
is soon to be
rock bottom.

i hate my name

i hate my name.
everyone keeps calling it.
i need everyone to leave me alone.


i just need less...


it's easier to run

someone stop this ride
I wanna get off.

when you don't know what to say

recently a friend of mine confided something to me, and i realised i'm a really awful friend to her.

she had a nightmare, a flashback, and... my first reaction is to hold her. i can't because this revelation took place online.

so i stared at the words, and prayed. Thing is...
She's not me... I can't...

There aren't words to describe how conflicting a person feels when they know what you're going through because they've been there, and they're powerless to help you. I can stand there and say stuff, but the words don't take it away. Words dont rewind time, dont undo actions, dont take pain away.


i wish

I wish I was Ritah.
I know you're not supposed to wish you were other people, because everyone has their own tests, and I might not be able to handle hers, but damn. Her life seems so much more uncomplicated than mine.

She's so confident, that she can shrug off rejection (in her case, it came from a man who turned out to be slightly touched in the head) and find someone new just like that *snap.*

I'm not that way. I wish I were, because this sucks.


Friday, February 29, 2008

danger, will robinson

I'm not strong enough to be with you.
If I was, I wouldn't have sacrificed so much of my self to be with you, or compromised so much of who I am, and who I want to be.

I've put myself in this position, because I'm not strong enough to say no to you.

In a way, Rikki's right.



balls to the wall

Everyone's telling me I'm doing the right thing.
The corgi, worrell, cc, ritah, boyd, beatty...
and I expected rikki to as well.

She didn't.

She made me reflect that maybe i'm not in the best place for me to be. That in staying here, I'm not staying true to myself.

Why is this so complicated?


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

look but don't touch

We stand
looking at each other
In another time and space
We'd be in each other's arms
Lover's embrace
Cheek to Cheek
1940s Hollywood style
You'd whisper
I'd whisper
"dearest I'm yours"
and the screen would go black
and everyone would know what happened
and no one would dare speak it aloud.

It's not 1940
and we remain
with decades of unspoken sweet nothings
splashing in drops on the cold pavement between us
In a moment
we might touch
and that moment
would change everything

and so we remain

breaking up is hard to do

There was a man.
For a while, it was great.
Then something changed. I think he stopped being himself. Upon reflection, during our mammoth two-week breakup conversations, he mentioned something that I've since realised (potentially) meant that he was overanalyzing things that I've said. Maybe, to a small extent, he was trying to conform to what I wanted, or rather, what he thought I wanted.

He couldn't have been happy.

Thing is, *I* was happiest when *he* was happy. Maybe he was never happy, who knows. Maybe he just felt sorry for me. Who knows. I surely don't. Anything is better than this anti-explanation I got. When he was himself, it was all about the little things he did. In fact, it was always about the little things he did. He didn't have to tell me he loved me, I saw it and felt it in the way he was always, ALWAYS there for me.

Maybe he just had a greater sense of duty and it wasn't love at all.

I can't wrap my head around it, all I know is that it still hurts. When people ask, and I tell them, they say that he was cheating, or wanted someone else. I tell them not to say that because I choose to believe that he would never do anything like that. But then I think, if that's true, then my time with him was spent for whatever growth we both had to do and I hope he's with the woman who can make him happy in ways I apparently never can.

It's still sad, and it still hurts. It hurts having a man tell you that you're not enough, and that he couldn't feel your love. I'm not sure I'll get over that... not in a week anyway.

He said once, "do you want to hit me?" and he in effect gave me permission, and how do you tell the person "why would you think I'd want to hit you when all I want to do is go back to three days ago and kiss you and hold you and be held?"

How can I hit you? How can you suggest that?

So in the end, that's my mystery, my karma, to never know what I did to make him leave. And here I was, thinking, finally, someone to break it.

But instead, somehow, I did something to break *it*.

So he's gone, and there's supposed to be some long line of suitors, but I don't see one. What there is, is a man who is going through basically the same heartache I am (albeit on a MUCH grander scale) who I can confide in, and who gives me attention, effectively bringing me out of this funk when he's around.

I guess I'm working out my tantrums now, I've already been vicious on my blog, when I really had no right being that way, I suppose.

I just miss my friend, even at the friend level (which I'm completely not prepared for yet)... I just miss him. I miss my sounding board of logic. I miss the man who protected me verbally. Who said "you're the kind of girl that if people don't like, there's something wrong with THEM," who gave me two beautiful bouquets... One when I was in the hospital, and the other, my second favourite, when I made the comment that it'd been a while since I'd received flowers, and by the time I saw him, he'd pulled off some tree blossoms & fashioned them into a makeshift bouquet... rather, I think the correct term would be nosegay.

I loved it. Still do. And that singular gesture was so romantic... Which is why it stung when he said romance was fake, and a way to game up women.

Fast forward to the breakup, when I make the (ill-fated) comment that through all the talking, I'm not getting the impression he's trying to win me back.

The next day, I have roses at work.

I don't like roses. They're pedestrian. And they're not him. They're not me, and they're not him. They were a shut-up gesture. And it backfired on his part, because it was more of a slap to the face, to receive flowers in such creative fashion, when he was happy (if ever) or at least when I didn't stress him out so much... to the gesture of "here. This is typical. I'm sorry."

Anyways, I hope he doesn't read this, because the range when I write about him is so varied... One day I'm mega-strong, the other I'm pensive and refliecting. I hope he doesn't take any thing I write here personally if he does (which I hope he doesn't... I can't bring myself to read his, because I'm not over him yet... if he reads mine it's almost as if he can because he's over me... which is fine, to each his own, and who knows maybe he already has moved on with a new someone special. I wish I was that lucky) because I'm still working through my pain.
It's not personal, it's just painful, and since this is where I let stuff out, there you have it.

He's a wonderful person. I wish I could have been more of what he needed.

I'm not.


Saturday, February 23, 2008

Feeling alone

I feel awful about the post I made about my ex. I wasn't in a particularly good mood when I wrote it, but there it is.

He's a good person, and we were good friends, but I don't know what happened.
There are days I reflect (I know I shouldn't) and I get caught up in the rejection and it hurts. It hurts to know that someone you loved told you your love was not only not enough, but that they didn't feel it was genuine.

How can you tell a person that has done nothing else but put you first that you think they don't care about you at all?

I've said that had he just said "I want to be single" and left it at that, my feelings would have been completely different. I'd have accepted that, as I did. Because being in a relationship is completely different from being single, or even from having friends with benefits. There are different norms and pathways and acceptable behaviours involved that didn't have to be considered before. Certain freedoms that must be compromised or sacrificed. Not everyone wants to make that sacrifice. So had he left it at "I think I want to be single," I'd have been able to rationalise that and be fine.

In fact, I was fine. I was sad, and a little hurt, but by the time I saw him again that evening, I was fine.

And then we tried to work it out.

Two weeks of limbo, and then the gem where he looks at me and says he felt that I didn't really care about him. Of all the things he could have said to me, that is the most insulting. The second most insulting is the "you have so many people waiting to take my place. You'll be fine."

That's crock. How can you tell someone who has loved you that you're easy to replace? And that they'll have no trouble replacing you? That's offensive, not only to the person whose love you've just insulted, but also to the relationship itself. And I get that you're trying to soften the blow or whatever, but golly.

Through everything, the part that has been a recurring slap in my face has been the comment that he felt I didn't really care about him. When I told my mom that, she was like, "so you took him to get an eye exam, and to get a massage and bought him all that stuff because you don't care about him?"

That's how I feel. I made you my world, and you say I don't care.

It hurts.

And there are moments when I stop and reflect on it, and the hurt comes back, and I feel alone. Maybe I'm not over it yet. That comment has wounded me deeper than I expected it to.

I never want to hear the words "you dont care about me" from anyone. Ever. Again.


Friday, February 22, 2008

he broke down

and let me into his inner circle.
not completely
but just enough to know that dude is going through some stuff.
serious stuff.
and i can only pray that i can give him the support he needs.

that's really all i can do for anyone.
try to support.


Monday, February 18, 2008

because paris spits truth

The following is taken from Paris' blog without editing.


Whenever she leaves I cry.
I don't love her, but whenever she leaves I cry. She always has the same routine, wakes up, wraps a sheet around her naked body, goes to the shower, comes back in, opens the curtains, kisses me, gets dressed and leaves.
She knows I cry, and I know she doesn't like it, but how can I not cry when beauty leaves the room with the door wide open?
I see her often enough that I haven't even got time to miss her, but I...
I don't know why I cry.

We talk about everything. I tell her when I lose my battle and start starving myself again, she tells me when she loses her battle and eats everything in the fridge. She laughs, and I laugh, but in my mind I'm saying, I wish that was my problem 'cause then I wouldn't be this hungry. And she reads and, my mind, and she says "I know you want to eat. I know it. I know it, Paris." And it tears me apart.
I want to. I just can't.

She reads me. She reads all inside of me. She knows what I want and what I need. I need food, but I want her.

She's like me. No falling in love. No commitment. No getting hurt another round. No tears on expensive pillowcases. No love letters that no one will ever read. No sobbing. No getting fat from eating pints and pints of ice-cream and drinking pints and pints of rum. Love always ends, and ended love is always gruesome.

When I think of how Tah can do it again after being torn so badly, walk up to love again and say "Give me what you've got. I'll take it.", I want to hold her in advance to soften the blow. But then I see what he is to her, how he loves her, how it's nothing like that scum of the earth she dated before, nothing like the guy before that, he's new and wonderful. When I see how she's happy, it makes me want to be happy too. But still I'm scared for her, how she can wake up damaged, crying to me in tears I can't ever bear to see again and be ready for love in no time. I tell her she should wait and she says wait for what? And I say wait for it to be out of your system, have your head clear. I tell her I could never love again after what she's been through. Being beaten within an inch of life, being raped, being deceived, but she still trusts it. And when she tells me Paris you're scared and that's okay but eventually you have to give love another chance, when she tells me Paris you have so much to give and you shouldn't be selfish and keep it to yourself, I giggle and smile but I know she's right. I've worked so hard to make myself a better person, I should be with someone. And when Fiera leaves I cry. I should be with Fiera.

I can't bear to be hurt again but I can't bear this feeling. Always wanting to touch her or hold her or kiss her or tell her she's the best thing that's ever been in my bed. I can't bear wanting to lay with her and rub my fingers against her cheek, map her body and know every spot. I want to lie with her, even if I don't get to lay with her. I want to love her until she feels it behind her eyes. I've never wanted to make someone happy so badly before. I love her, and it thrills me but it kills me.

Did I just say I love her?

Fucking hell.


Had tea w the corgi and a right chat.
Found the bear, who needs alone time atm, which stings but is good cause I've a ton of work to do, and now I can do it w/o distractions. He's a wonderful distraction, and I'd not trade him for anything, but he's a distraction nonetheless and I've simply got to learn to bog myself down & be a big girl and not let him get to me when all I want in the world is to let him get to me.


In other news, I call this bit the "Ode to My Ex:"

::clears throat::

Ode to My Ex

You made me not trust men.
You told me that the only time they say sweet things is when they've got an agenda.
I learned that romance is fake, and a game, where women are played and are not players.

I've since learned that this is because you sought to destroy something beautiful so that I'd not crave a piece of it.

I hope you find the woman who makes you gush, blush and turns you to mush.
'Cause I've found the man.

He pays attention to the little things I say. He acts out on my wants and needs. He's a true romantic at heart. It's not because he has to, but because he wants to.

Now I'm the Queen; the Queen I've always been, and will continue to be, for my reign is not determined by the presence or lack of a King at my side. In his eyes and arms, I am Queen. He oozes the charm you never had, and uses it appropriately, has always opened my chariots and carriages without question, and is a man.

You once told me that you sought to be the man that women would compare their boyfriends to, "he's alright, but he's not like _______"

I smile now, fondly even, because *he* is who you can only wish to be.

I've found the man.


Now, thing is, can I keep him? Who knows? People come into your life for a reason a season blah blah blah... I owe my ex alot. I was telling the bear earlier in January... I actually owe my ex alot because he got me through a period of my life which I needed to go through. And then he left. So, in some respects, it's like that's what he was there for. And I wouldn't trade that for the world. We may have mixed some signals, and should have stayed friends, close friends, friends with benefits, what have you, but I wouldn't trade my time with him for anything cause I'd be completely different now if not for him and our experience. The bear said that was high praise, and I said he deserved it. He does. He deserves the credit for bringing me out of my funk and basically giving me the relationship therapy I needed to exorcise some rank daemons. I'm eternally greatful for that.

But I love this romance!


Sunday, February 17, 2008

forgot to mention

I found the breaking cue.
It probably sucks now, cause it was in the garage, and that's no where near climate controlled, so I'm kinda miffed about that, but it's my breaking cue, so it's okay.

Kinda. Cause it still has to be able to give me a clean break.



we love boyd

He passed the Boyd test.
Boyd likes him, even though he hasn't met him yet. Boyd has to meet him. Not because Boyd has expressed this interest, but because I want him to meet Boyd.

But so far, he passed the Boyd test. Boyd wants whatever makes me happy.



More for the fans:

one ring.
him: hello?
me: I just had to hear your voice.
him: I was just thinking about you.
me: really?
him: Yeah, I was sitting here rereading your text message that you sent earlier.

He's good to me. Last night we had an argument over who is better to whom. We're losers.

In other news, I can't find my breaking cue.
How pissed am I?

b, who is very pissed.

For the fans:

Last night I found out how involved I was going to be this weekend. There's a situation at the moment... call it a detour to happiness. Now, the bear knows what's going on. I told him as soon as I could muster the courage... which happened to be the day before I knew I'd see him, cause I wouldn't be able to look him in the face and I wanted him to know why.


So last night I'm informed that I'd be participating more than I expected, in the middle of a convo w/ the bear. And I had to run out on him, and I hated it. It ended up being a false alarm, but when I got home, I called him to see if he was okay, cause I hated the way I had to run out and leave things. And he kept saying, "I'm okay. Are YOU okay?" because he never lets me worry about him when he's trying to worry about me, and he says "I will be okay in this. Because I know where your head is. I know what you want, and I know that you don't want this. So I am not worried that we will be together. At least, I'm trying not to worry. We will be together."

And I realise that he has this security in the truth, he listened to me, and believes me and takes his comfort in the knowledge that all of this is temporary. I draw my strength from him.

Then there was the night where we asked each other how we make each other happy and he said, "the reason why I do what I do for you, why I touch you the way I do... is because I want you to feel a tiny bit of the happiness that you make me feel."

And there's this moment where I look into his eyes, to judge this on the bullshit meter, and he looks serious, and the only thing I can do, because he's wounded me by saying something so honest and sweet is push him away and say,

"oh, you're gooood. you're very good at the bs"
and he's like "it's not bs!"

it fucking better not be.


Saturday, February 16, 2008


Lay a little groundwork for love as the week gets started, and by the time Valentine's Day arrives, everything's coming up roses! What you need is a well-thought-out plan -- and since (let's admit it) planning isn't exactly your forte, get some help from your more practically minded friends. With your romantic instinct and their planning powers, well, you can be all set to take full advantage of the amazing energy the stars send your way for Thursday (and Friday, too -- lucky you!). Everybody loves you now -- but will you back up your way with words with some follow-through? Up to you.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


He wont let me leave.
Not that I want to, but he won't let me leave.

taurus for the week.

Don't worry -- that pain in your heart is probably just one of Cupid's arrows, and it's a piercing that looks good on you! It's an awesome week for you in matters of the heart overall, with your sex appeal especially fiery on Tuesday and Wednesday. But, again, don't worry -- Thursday (and Friday too, plus through the weekend) brings energy that's just right for letting what's on your mind and in your heart be known. Hint: Just spill it, and let what happens next take care of itself, just for the moment. Live and love a little. No, make that a lot. You're amazing.

Monday, February 11, 2008

don't you dare forget it.


Make sure you're not just being stubborn, but most likely you have a legit beef with whomever is trying to get you to hurry into a decision. If it's a love thing, slow way down.

You're feeling pretty riled up over something, and you let your people know exactly what's going on. Find a good way to tell everyone without getting preachy. They don't want to hear pontification -- just feedback.

None of this helps me.

Love that Winehouse.

Wake Up Alone

It's okay in a day, I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up, clean the house
At least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets
His face in my dreams, seizing my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked to the soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
Bothers my heart I'd rather be restless
The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
Got this ache in my chest
Cuz my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now
My blood running cold I stand before him
It's all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me I drip for him tonight
Drowning in me, we bathe under blue light
His face in my dreams, seizing my guts
He floods me with dread Soaked to the soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

on paris' blog.

And that night, she spent the night over, and there we were, sharing a bed, and she asked if I'd enjoyed the dance. We both giggled, as we always did, and she leaned over and kissed me. I asked her, and I remember this, "Why do you kiss me?" and she said, "It's better than...not kissing you."

It's better than not kissing you.
Damn. This makes me believe in love.

yahoo gemini

Daily Singles:Opinions are made to be changed, so open yourself up to just that. Is it possible that your next-door neighbor has matured since junior high, for example, or that your awkward date was just nervous? Give second chances!

Don't cry... because if you cry, I'll cry...

He had tears in his eyes.
He choked them back, but they were there.
It's heartbreaking.
They had no intention of giving his son up.
They played him all along.

It's heartbreaking.
He's heartbreaking, and I just want to take him and hug him until he lets it all out and the sun will shine again.

He laughed when we realised that all of us are taking friday off... He had a naughty moment and for a brief second he smiled and laughed.

I want to fix this for him.
I did what I could, and I'm doing what I can, but I want to fix this for him.

It's heartbreaking.


Tuesday, February 05, 2008

the end.

Well, that's that.

You know, as much as I love being single, I hate being single.


yahoo taurus

Daily Singles:Take a moment to remind yourself that you never need to settle or compromise on the traits that are most important to you. It's a good day to meditate on your ideal mate -- you'll be one step closer to finding one.

Monday, February 04, 2008

now all I have to do is get him to use contractions properly.

This morning I wake up to this on my computer screen:

hope your sleep and don't get this until you wake up


Saturday, February 02, 2008

the answer

the answer is:
it's too soon.
It's too soon and everyone seems to be rushing me. I'm not in a relationship. I don't want to *be* in a relationship at the moment. I don't want to go from one man's arms into another's I need this time to reflect and pause, and find myself again.

That said, I am willing to entertain the idea of enjoying a man's company. Wether it be at a movie, or over dinner, or lunch, having eaten out or in. But a relationship? No. Not ready for that. It'd be doomed to fail because it's too soon.

Too, too soon.


just like that, i'm cured.

me: it's spelled "ritah"
Foster: I'll update my spellcheck
regardless, she's dead on
all your blogs are screaming "look how wonderful he is? tell me its ok to love him because i can't do it myself!"
me: yeah
that's pretty much it
i need to give myself permission
Foster: and given your historyand incapablity to do so
sabotaging relationships
this is all too familiar
you need a process
me: process like what
Foster: the therapy I was talking about
I can't tell how good its been for me
and its especially good at this kind of stuff
it works like this,(this will sound a little hippy-new-age but its really not)when you have a strong emotional experience (esp a painful one)
its easy to let the feelings get 'stuck' inside you
they dont' pass through
and the memory festers
and causes all kinds of problems
processing uses visualization skills to unlock the memory and let the emotions flow out
if I had to guess, I would say that Brent hurt you so badly that the memory is eating you away, and affecting how you deal with relationshps to this day
processing would fix that
in one session

Friday, February 01, 2008

the president

so i sent the president a text and asked him for a favor.
immediately i get a text back, "anything!"
then, since i'm driving & can't respond the way I want to or as fast as he'd hope to apparently, I get another text, "what ya need, cutie?"

then I finally get to tell him the deal, and he's disappointed.
He was hoping I was stranded so he could come get me.

In a sadistic way, isn't that really sweet though?
Then he said it again, "so you dont need me to come get you?"

It's so sweet!



He called to say he made it to his destination.
He didn't have to call.
He stopped by before he left, to get a hug, and then called to say he made it safetly. I thought, "maybe, he might send me a text."

He didn't.

He called. and said that he made it in. I told him he didn't have to, and he said that he wanted to put a smile on my face and he knew calling would do that. then he said, "i did good" and I told him to cut that out because he needs to stop patting himself on the back so much.
"maybe if you stopped patting yourself on the back, I might be able to."
"are you going to start [patting me on the back]?"

we laugh.

We do that alot. Laugh. It feels good.

Thursday, January 31, 2008

okay, okay. and she didn't have to throw soda at me.

me: he hand picked them in the florist shop
and had three drafts at the card
Ritah: awww
me: i know, ritah i'm just scared
Ritah: this is harsh
but if you're scared
it won't work.trepidation is healthy, but being chicken won't work
so cut that shit out cause im team bear and team bear is trying really hard to win so dont be the shitty ref that is making lame calls for penalties that don't exist
he likes you.and he's going about it the right way
he's not being a stalker, he's wooing you. he's such a sweetheart. let's trade
me: you're the second person to say that he's wooing me
Ritah: theres a formal word
but i dont want to use it cause it sounds more serious than it is
be happy!
this one dude gave my friend a PICTURE of her favourite flowers

Wednesday, January 30, 2008


This morning, at approximately 10 am, a man walks in to my job with a beautiful bouquet of Stargazer Lillies and a teddy bear.

"Wallace!" he says.

"Huh?" I ask, thoroughly confused.

They're for me.

What the???

They're beautiful. And of course everyone wanted to know who they were from, so I got all sorts of comments like "ooh, keep this one" (meaning whoever sent them) and "ooh, a secret admirer!" and "whoever he is, is he handsome?"

I have a not-so-secret admirer.
He makes me blush.
The bouquet makes me cheese like crazy. I love stargazer lillies... He paid attention... He listens to the little things I say and acts on them...

I think he actually might like me.


Tuesday, January 29, 2008

when things are too good to be true...

they usually are.

I say it's all BS, he says it's all true.

He's just so... romantic.

I've only had romance in my life once. So, either he's very good, or he means it.

We're like a couple of eighth graders, giggling and whispering, and then he touches my face or my hair...

It's just too good to be true.

Isn't it?


Monday, January 28, 2008

Because that's not passive-aggressive at ALL.

I get home today and this is what greets me on my screen. An im which reads:

how are you
u there?
ok, guess not
you may have noticed that I don't have you on my gmail list at the moment
I wanted to tell you
that that's nothing personal, I just find you sort of distracting
not the bad kind of distracting
but it seemed that maybe we made some positive motion and I wouldn't want to damage that
I wouldn't want you to be mad at me or thinking I was being passive aggressive or anything
sry if it came off like that

I think this person needs assistance. Assistance I cannot give. The answer certainly does not lie with me, nor am I qualified or certified in the proper fields in order to provide the aid that this particular soul so desperately needs.

Friend, if you are reading this, please never contact me again. To begin, the very fact that you contacted me on one particular message form to tell me that you'd deleted me from another is beyond words.

Next, I would have no idea that you'd deleted me, nor do I care. You merely would not have shown up on my chat function. Which, had I cared, I might have made the deduction that you were not online. As it is, I did not notice, or make mention of it. So no, I did most certainly not notice something I would not have been privy to.

And then, to suggest that our friendship was moving in a positive direction, only to halt the reconstruction process...

I am not the answer. I cannot help you. Your own friends cannot help you. Seek professional guidance.

Yes. This one is about you.


Tuesday, January 22, 2008

nv rth




I love that girl.

b, who totally wants her own preview.

denial isn't just a river in egypt.

okay. so it would seem that big B is right. There are some guys trying to take his place. Or, so it would seem.

There. I said it.


One, whom I'll dub "The President," asked me if I wanted to see a hockey game, if he could find an extra ticket would I come... and I said I would have loved to go but I couldn't b/c of my kids. Then I asked CJ, "was he asking me out on a date?" then CJ went and asked the president if he was asking me and i was all i can't believe you just asked him and he was all what if you wanna know, then you have to ask him and then the PRESIDENT was like i mean it wasnt a date date but like i can ask you on a date and i was like omg.

pause. flick hair.

Then he sent me a txt asking me if i wanted to go skiing this saturday. Correction, he txts me "thinking bout going boarding saturday! wanna be my date?" YES i want to go skiing this saturday but I cant (again b/c of the kids) and I told him to keep me in mind for future things and he responds with "You actually have been all i can think about! So i'll definitley keep ya in mind!"

A girl needs to hear & read these things.

I met a guy a few weeks ago. No clue what I'll dub him yet. he looks like a character actor I can't put my finger on but... I dunno. We'll call him jaime. Anyways I met him once, and we kind of looked at each other. didn't speak, I gues we were just sizing each other up. Then he came and saw my kids show, turns out one of the kids is his neighbor, and then we started talking and turns out he works for the Baha'i radio station, so we now have people in common. He doesn't speak farsi, but he's working on it, which is just sweet. Anyways, before we got pulled apart by kids and parents, he invited me to see his photography exhibit in baltimore.

I'm so there.

So, there you have it. Two more to the list.

In other news, I have no idea what's going on with B&W. I dunno. I just... If I had my choice of people to be tied down to, he'd be on the list. Top numbers on the list. But I'm not sure if being tied down is the best thing for me at the immediate moment. I'm scared people will start giving us labels or something, and I'm not ready for labels. I'm ready for one blissful day at a time.

Like my horoscope said that I'd be making some serious growth changes this year, and a friend of mine called me and asked me if I'd go with him as his guest & sit in & participate in some life changing talks and stuff. So I'm going to go do that this saturday.


Everything's coming up roses.


Monday, January 21, 2008

i've got my running shoes on

Ritah: "fear is a friend who's misunderstood"
its good to be scared, and careful,
but dont let it make you run away

he noticed the gold flecks in my eyes

and called them out.


Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

Does anyone remember what the fight was about?

the zine is back

up and running. sorry to all who were mad. i didnt realise that i even effected anyone. in some small way, i'm glad it got the reaction it got when it was down because it means that it means something to someone out there, and that they use it.


like, liberty and the pursuit of happiness

like is good. like is healthy. like can be fun.

I am not going from one person to another. I can't. By that, I don't mean bouncing about the dating scene. I mean I am not leaving one long-term relationship merely to wake up in another. I need the space to see what's out there. I think dinner is harmless. I think going out is harmless. I think it's obvious who has my heart. But I still need to hang out with other people. Must... remind... self... to... not... stick... to... one... person!

the pursuit of happiness:
can't I just do what I want to anyway?

shadmehr pt III

You know, you're just embarassing yourself by calling me all the time asking me to come back. Seriously, joonam, let me go.

I'll still like your music.
I promise. But can you stop blowing up my minutes??

You're interrupting meals with Mansour.

I think it's time to let me go.


shadmehr, pt II

seriously, i've replaced you.
don't call me, I'll call you.
I'm about mansour now. He and I are doing fine.

goodbye, shadmehr

I have found mansour now. he's scruffy, but at least he looks huggable in all of his videos.

you lost heart, shadmehr. you lost heart.


Chi shod?!

Shadmehr! What happened to you? You used to be HOTTTTTTT!
Whatever you're doing, stop!
Fix your hair, you look Fobbish now. Go back to HOTTTTT!!

Please, please please please.

I can't show people your picture anymore to people... it's like the Juanes phase where he grew his hair out & that one point where it looked ratty in all the pictures and i'd be like Here's my fave latino singer... awww, maybe there's a better picture somewhere...

Shadmehr, toreh Khodah. Mooyatoh avaz kon. Lotfan.

I still loveyou though. Even if I don't have any of your cds. I'll get them.

fix your hair.



Thursday, January 17, 2008


I'm blessed.

My parents are both alive. Blessing.
I have people in my life who love me. Blessing.
I have people in my life who care about me. Blessing.
I have friends. Blessing.
I have shoulders to cry on. Blessing.
I have a job. Blessing.
This job gives me the funds to support my family. Blessing.
I have my theatre company. Blessing.
I have the money to put myself through school. Blessing.
My car is paid off. BLESSING.
I am worthy of love. Blessing.
I am in a position to be able to love others. BLESSING.
God Loves Me Unconditionally, Every Day.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

here's the thing.

i like him. he likes me.
neither of us should be liking anyone.
my friends say go for it.
i have no clue what his friends say.
he says he wants to try, and doesn't want this to be a rebound.

I say that's what it would be no matter how you cut it.
My trusted psychic friend says he's telling the truth, though.
I know he cares. I know he does, I just feel like it's premature.
Like give it time. Will you still be flirting with me? Will you still be inviting me over? Will you still be saying the things you say?

I don't mind the flirting. It's healthy and it makes me feel beautiful and wanted. And it's all talk. It's a way to vent and get out frustration without harming yourself. Or the other person.

And then... I catch myself in the cynical femail critical eye way, and think, "you know, he's all talk. I haven't seen one email that's initiated from him, or one phone call, or one text."

Correction: There was a text.

But there's no action that backs up the verbal stuff. And I'm scared of what that action might entail, should it rear itself.

So, as it is now, I have an open invitation to his home.

He says he doesn't want this to be a rebound thing.

I think we need to nip it in the bud and not go any farther with anything than we already have. Right now, it's perfect. No one has done or said anything that they might regret. There are no strings. Just two people who enjoy each other's company holding conversation.

Two people who might get attached if they're not careful.

The fact is, neither of us are free of our pasts at the moment. I'm still not over my ex. I am, and I'm not. I'm over the fact that he's not coming back, and I'm not over the fact that he was such a big part of my life and who I was. So I feel like I have all of this love... like a big ball of love that I'm holding in my hands and it is heavy and I'm looking for a place to put it down.

That's dangerous. Because if I put it down on another person. Wrong person, right person, I'm not ready. I need me time.

He needs "he" time.

Then when that's all said and done, we can try "we" time.

Until then, it better stay all talk.


People give me headaches.
Just tell me how to love you, you know? Because I do. Just because my way of showing it doesn't match with your way of receiving it doesn't mean I don't love you.

Because I do.


Please Note

Recently, a person who used to be a good friend of mine engaged in a conversation online with me. I was responsive until he suggested something negative towards a mutual friend of ours as a joke, but it ended up killing the conversation. Then, a few minutes later, he opts to change the subject with this gem:

"please note, I'm trying really, really hard to be a good friend right now: How's life?"

I could not respond. I still haven't responded. Try to be a good friend? Trying really, really hard? Don't bother. If it's effort for you to befriend me and exert some small grace of concern for my well being, save it.

I don't need people who need to try to be a friend. I want people who ARE my friends.


Sunday, January 13, 2008


He missed the game for me.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008


Okay. I think we all know that I'm born on the cusp of Taurus & Gemini. As such, when I read them, I always make it a point to read both, since the truth usually lies in some Venn-Diagram shape of the two. So, in light of all that's been going on, Ritah decided to remind me of the always-reliable, completely scientific Horoscope.

The following is brought to you by Yahoo Astrology:

Year 2008 RomanceProvided by Gemini You love being intimately connected with another and have no problem sending out those signals. Your passionate, sensual and patient energy is given to others freely and people appreciate receiving your soothing energy. You possess a lot of enthusiasm and easily communicate your deep feelings and strong desires to have a love relationship, yet sometimes you hold back, monitoring and intellectualizing your interests in another instead of verbalizing your romantic interest in having commitment in your life. You would prefer if they make the first move before you're comfortable enough to let them know how you feel. Much of the transformation you will be experiencing this year will be in relationships and in partnerships, helping you to see more deeply into your own motivation. Deep and profound changes in your dynamics of togetherness will give you an opportunity to explore your deeper needs and personal desires in a new way that will change your life forever. You start the year off wanting to be in an intimate relationship, and the blessings you experience will accumulate throughout the year -- both financially and otherwise -- once you decide you are sure you want to go forward. Your whole life will be dramatically changed for the better and you may get deeply involved in this relationship, because it will be amazingly transforming. You will find new ways of establishing harmony when you focus on forming a closer emotional attachment. You find a lot of faith and trust in this relationship and incline to be very poetic about seeing things from a more high-minded viewpoint. You will find wisdom in sharing with each other and finding your own independent inner strength. Learn acceptance of each other through spontaneous communication of your spiritual ideals and insights.

--- and----

Year 2008 RomanceProvided by
This year, you may find yourself attracted to someone you work with. Your passionate nature attracts someone who shares your values and has a deep focus on their career. Consider spending free time together, sharing in activities that keep you actively engaged with each other. Almost everything you do together will allow you to feel a balanced flow of energy.
As the year progresses, you really like the idea of sharing your life with this person. Hopefully, this person in will feel the same way! As you deepen your own self-awareness, and recognize your own self-worth, you will attract the love you need and deserve. When you find your perfect soul mate, you an innate sense of closeness develops. You both revel in both the natural world, and in lively social situations. This year will bring positive changes in how you communicate with others, as well. Your passion and charm rise to the surface, and you yearn for a deeper commitment with the one you love. This could be the one to make you dream to walk down the aisle.

So. What does this mean? You read it here first, folks.

Absolute mindjob.


Sunday, January 06, 2008

keep trucking

I have to keep it moving. Because when I stop, I think of him, and I can't break down. I can't break down. I can't break down. I can't break down.

Stay strong, stay focused.

Why does it still hurt? How do I move past this?


Friday, January 04, 2008


It still hurts.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

This saved my life.

I suck.

The end.

In other news, people are being really nice to me. Tomorrow I'm having dinner with some friends, and meeting new ones.

A girlfriend of mine is into moving to the same countries I am, so I might have a travel buddy, which is awesome. I'll believe it when I see it for sure, but it's still nice.

I broke some serious personal rules this weekend, and I have to stop. It's hard, though. Aurgh.

I over-analyse everything, I'm compulsive, and I throw myself completely into everything I do. How...


I need to talk to B&W... he'll help me figure this out. Simplify.



Wednesday, January 02, 2008

ritah's request.

Ritah's told me to update my blog. Here I am.

I've just come off a great weekend. Ten of us rented a cabin in North Carolina for the Gregorian New Year's. Hot tubbing, conversations until dawn and massive bonding sessions ensued. I learned much about people from my trip, and also got a great deal of more respect for one of my new friends.

I have a thing, this severe problem, where I take people to heart. The people I take to heart... I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I will do whatever I can, whatever I've got in my power to help them reach their goals, or remain happy, or attain happiness. If I can end their suffering, I'm happy. If I can make one smile, I've succeeded. If I can take a moment of their pain away, I can live forever.

In short, they have my attention 100%. They are my family. They say that blood is thicker than water, but here, once you're in, you're the water in my blood.

I know, that's totally lame.

As a result of this weekend, I've had a recent addition to my family. Never would have thought this person would be added into my family, but there it is. This person... killed me. They just killed me. I've never met a more beautiful person.

I'm glad I went.

Today I cried for ten minutes. Their reality hit me, the reality of how fine the line is that they've got separating the black from the white, and I just cried. I dunno, maybe I cried for them, who knows. They think in black and white, and I don't. Yet... their life is so much less complicated as a result. I... I envy that in some strange way. I mean, they have their problems too, but they have to be strong, and so they are. It's... "simple."

I wish I had an ounce of the strength this person has.

An ounce.

In short, I rang in the Gregorian New Year's with a bang, and I'm at once excited and disappointed in the New Year.

"B- is Great; 2008" was supposed to be this year's theme, but I suppose "b is great in 2008" will have to do instead.

New Year. New Beginnings. New Countries. New Everything.

As for the past, all I can say is:
I tried. I gave it my all. In the end, it wasn't enough.

In other news, this weekend I argued a Welshman that Gerard Butler is Scottish and WON. I know my Scots. I'm learning I've got a huge thing for them, since all the men I'm into lately seem to be Scottish. Maybe I'll move there. He's also got the type I like... Brown hair, light eyes... Hold on, So has James McAvoy... and Paul McGillion... and David Tennant... Are all Scots built this way? I'm moving! And Billy Boyd... even though he's shorter than the rest. and apparently's got a baby. I dunno about Gerard Butler having a family. James McAvoy is taken.

Gerard Butler was also the Phantom in the recent film version. That made me hurt. I ached. *Sigh.*

I'm SO moving to Scotland.


Maybe that would be too much fun.

What else can I catch you up on? My men love me and I love my men. I talked to a friend of mine today, who was certainly thrilled I'm single again, and suggested we dine together. He's got a project for me, and I just love it when people return my love. He's in my family, and here he is looking out for me. He's got an improv/saturday night live/ group thing going, and he says it's not complete without me. I love him. I have another one who won't let me be industrial with my looks. When I take a hard lens to my looks, and a business approach to myself, he reels me back in and basically won't listen to a word I say unless its, "I love myself, I'm marketable, I'm fabulous."

I love him.

Christmas I read a lady's palm and it was scary because I read she'd had two miscarriages and that she was going to have serious finanial difficulty later in life. Sometimes, I don't like being right.

I also had my fortune read a few days before, and it was HI-larious. Scary, really, cause of what it said. It didn't say anything about the future. It was about the present and the past. About how certain situations I've still got on my mind aren't worth it, and that the World is my Oyster, etc. I can do anything, have anything and anyone I want, it said.

It was scary. Intimidating.

I know this entry is all over the place. One last bit about the hot tub: it was great. The weekend was great and I don't regret a stitch of it. Only, you can't really take pictures in the hot tub cause no one can really see through the steam. I needed that weekend to push out everyone and everything and just... live. I've never tried that before, and lemme tell you, it was nice.

Now, back to my regularly scheduled responsibilities!