Saturday, February 23, 2008

Feeling alone

I feel awful about the post I made about my ex. I wasn't in a particularly good mood when I wrote it, but there it is.

He's a good person, and we were good friends, but I don't know what happened.
There are days I reflect (I know I shouldn't) and I get caught up in the rejection and it hurts. It hurts to know that someone you loved told you your love was not only not enough, but that they didn't feel it was genuine.

How can you tell a person that has done nothing else but put you first that you think they don't care about you at all?

I've said that had he just said "I want to be single" and left it at that, my feelings would have been completely different. I'd have accepted that, as I did. Because being in a relationship is completely different from being single, or even from having friends with benefits. There are different norms and pathways and acceptable behaviours involved that didn't have to be considered before. Certain freedoms that must be compromised or sacrificed. Not everyone wants to make that sacrifice. So had he left it at "I think I want to be single," I'd have been able to rationalise that and be fine.

In fact, I was fine. I was sad, and a little hurt, but by the time I saw him again that evening, I was fine.

And then we tried to work it out.

Two weeks of limbo, and then the gem where he looks at me and says he felt that I didn't really care about him. Of all the things he could have said to me, that is the most insulting. The second most insulting is the "you have so many people waiting to take my place. You'll be fine."

That's crock. How can you tell someone who has loved you that you're easy to replace? And that they'll have no trouble replacing you? That's offensive, not only to the person whose love you've just insulted, but also to the relationship itself. And I get that you're trying to soften the blow or whatever, but golly.

Through everything, the part that has been a recurring slap in my face has been the comment that he felt I didn't really care about him. When I told my mom that, she was like, "so you took him to get an eye exam, and to get a massage and bought him all that stuff because you don't care about him?"

That's how I feel. I made you my world, and you say I don't care.

It hurts.

And there are moments when I stop and reflect on it, and the hurt comes back, and I feel alone. Maybe I'm not over it yet. That comment has wounded me deeper than I expected it to.

I never want to hear the words "you dont care about me" from anyone. Ever. Again.


1 comment:

City Love said...

It's wounding to literally shower someone with love and care and have them not receive it, but as I've told you before, that is not your problem.
People have boundaries and walls that fuck up their receptors, things that block them from fully accepting love. That is not really a reflection on the giver, but one on the receiver. When you can't receive love, you can never be happy. But someone who gives it the way you did, not expecting anything in return but gratitude, is amazing. Don't let someone else's inability to accept it as a flaw in you. You did nothing wrong. All you can do is hope that one day he will learn to accept love so he can be happy. But until then, work on your own happiness. You're glorious, don't you forget it.