Saturday, March 17, 2012

The end of an Era

Nobody is perfect. Not you, not me, not anyone. As we go about trying to find our life partners, we look for people who...

Some look for people who are imperfect in the same way, so that they can comiserate together, or understand the struggle

Some look for people who are imperfect in a different way, so that they can play on each other's strengths.

Some people look for happiness. These people are dangerous. I've come to slowly believe that Happiness is a trick people tell themselves to get out of committment. If I have made a vow to you, it's for thick and thin, period. Better or worse. People who search for happiness forget the "or worse" because they're searching for the "better" all the time. Sometimes, you have to get through the "worse" to get to the "better."

If you're looking for better, and you find yourself in good, and good goes bad, and you stay, because you believe that once you've gone through worse, you'll see better, how wrong is it to leave once better comes around?

Now you decide you don't trust it?

Thing about happiness is, it goes both ways. My problem is that I spend so much of my time trying to make the other person happy that I forget how miserable that can make me, or how much of myself I give up in the process. Every. Time.

This time, especially. It snuck up on me, how much I'd given up. How because the other person wasn't happy, I'd changed. The idea isn't to change FOR the other person, it's to change WITH the other person. To grow together.

I haven't learned yet. I don't accept full responsibility for the fall of this relationship, because not everything was my fault. I can only accept responsibility for my actions. The irony is, he's got the power in the relationship at the moment. He's deciding wether or not he wants to stay, and he'll tell me or we'll come together on the 21st to discuss his findings.

I'm not waiting. I've gone through my journey, and got here. I went through my trials of fire, and came out charred, but okay because I am THAT strong. If he needs time to sort out his life, there's nothing I can do about that other than live my life. If his thoughts sort themselves to me, then that's gravy. If not, he becomes a serious lesson in what rules to break and which ones never to. All I can do is move on with my life, and do the best I can. I owe myself that much.

It sounds really selfish, and it's odd to feel this self-protectant. I'm sure it won't last. That's just the kind of person I am with relationships, I'm a giver.

I just don't understand happiness chasers. Relationships aren't happy all the time. There's growth periods, which hurt like no other, but there's love and commitment that carries you through it all. I guess that's where I'm a romantic, where I believe, I truly do, that if you're commited to something, then you stick it through, no matter what.

Don't give anyone anything that you can't get back, don't believe anyone 100%.

Commitment requires proof, and pledging daily, or weekly, or monthly, or annually to stick it through. Commitment isn't watching someone go through something scary, and freaking out when they come out of it and finally see everything you've been trying to get them to.

After all that, I'm still here. I'm commited to this and I've invested a lot in both the relationship and myself in order to make it work. I hope that the strides I've made are respected enough to see this thing through. If not, like I said, it's just one (huge) life lesson.

Either way, I'll be okay.