Thursday, August 31, 2006

what is love? baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more

Is love figuring out that we both have the same number of letters in out first and last names? Is that how you love me? Is that what you meant when you said I'm always there?


Saturday, August 26, 2006


Dear Person from Ohio with the tag reading "JUDAH:"

Please stop parking in front of my house.
It's weirding me out.

Thank you,


last night

WTH was I thinking?
There is no understanding!
That can never, ever happen again.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Balance and the BEST THING EVER

i got psycho email today.
it was balanced by one of the state's attorneys deciding that I was Jada to her intern's Will and decided to tell the *entire* division that we were getting married.

Hilarity ensued.
Not really, but it was bizarre enough to cover for the freakiness I dealt with earlier in the day.

Besu came to visit me at HHRC! That was TOTALLY unexpected, and it made me feel so good... and loved... and I love him right on back. He also told me about a new prospect for him... not really in the relationship department, but he met someone who the mere thought of made his face completely change... his jaw softened and his eyes glazed over. And I thought, "he's totally gone." I'm happy for him! I like seeing his face like that; happy. If not happy... there's another word for it... not amused... when I think of the word, I'll bring it back up. But it's there. And I haven't seen him in forever, (and I won't see him or anyone else *for* forever starting September 05 - Dec 20ish... and yes, I know that "forever" is three months long) and it was SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD to see him again.

And it hit me that the people that have the most power over my emotions are men. 1: My father, whose power is diminishing and has nearly extinguished... though it remains to be tested, not that I'm running out to buy lithmus paper... 2: Besu, who made my day just by walking into the room 3: We all know who this is. I have no idea why the mere mention of their name drives my stomach into knots, but it does. The end. 4: any crazy person at the moment, who puts me in a situation I feel powerless to react to.

I love my boss, cause he helped me respond to an email situation regarding the #4 earlier in the day, and let me know that I'm not powerless. So I reclaimed a little bit of my composure, and didn't freak out nearly as much as I could have. He also let me know he'd have my back in a heartbeat if the person continued it. Now, to the person's credit, when I shot them down, they backed off. I'm sure I'll never hear about it again. Doubt he'll ask me out again. Thus, there's no issue. The problem I have is when I tell people no and it's not good enough for them. But whatever.

So I'm learning not to let people have power over me.

Going back to Besu, I really, really missed him. What's the saying? Don't know a good thing till it's gone? Well, Bus is good people. PERIOD. And when he's not around, I miss his presence, and his cracked sense of humor. And when I told him I'm glad he came back, he said "I never left," which just about killed me. And I never miss people. If nothing else, I hope we stay in each other's lives for a long, long time. I think that's the thing with him, I know he loves me, and I think he knows I love him right on back, so when we're apart for long, it's cool. And don't get any ideas, people. Good love. God love.

Reflecting on how many men I have in my life... and how all my friends are basically men, you'll be glad to note that I now have a collective of women I associate on a daily basis with. Sure, they're co-workers, but it's a start, and seeing as how there are only four men in the entire Division, I haven't much choice. But we all get along, and that's the important thing. I miss my twin. She called me today & I told her all about the will/jada/20 year old kid thing and she golf clapped that I didn't freeze up.

Working at the counter has changed me. Normally, I'd be like "what?" when faced with this gem from today:
"I think I know you from somewhere"
And I'd try to help the guy figure out where it was that he knew me from. Only I didn't recognize him, so I said "I don't think so... you know me from somewhere?" and he said "yeah, I must have gave you my number and you never called me back."

THIS is his fatal mistake. That pickup line might work at the club, but you picked the wrong peach cobbler baklava today, my friend.

"Now I know it wasn't me. There's no way, sorry."
"Oh yeah," he says, smug, "and how is that?"
and I look him dead in the eye and say, "because I never go out."



So, to recap, since I know this was all over the board:
1. I missed my best friend, and I'm greatful to the Gods that I saw him today.
2. Speaking of "Gods," today for lunch we were supposed to have Chipotle, and they took our orders at 11:20am, my lunch starts at 11:30 am, and they didn't show up until I prayed, "Dear Hindu God: Please forgive me for killing the cow I am about to eat in my burrito. Dear Mother Earth: Please forgive me for wrenching the lettuce I am about to eat on my burrito. Please let the burrito come. Please." And no sooner than girl co-worker 1 -who needs a name here besides something that sounds like a rolling credit- looked at me like I was crazy, than the girls walked up with our food. WHY I waited until 1:30 to pray I'll never know. Never again.
3. Girls are great to have as friends. They talk about shoes & jewelry, and try to set you up with boys who think you are cute.
4. Don't assume that everyone's a psycho just because they do all the other things psychos do. That's called projection. Give them a chance to prove their psycho all on their own.
5. I love my men.
6. When a 40-something State's Attorney decides to put you out there, it's because she likes you. Go with it. Just don't speak. In the end, she'll look crazy and you'll look fine. Even though you were speaking complex sentences when he had no bowel control. Go with it.
7. My men love me right back.
8. When I look nice, people ask me what happened. WTF? Is that a hint? Do I always look like shit? I wore a skirt one day, and Boyd told me that I'd get married if I wore skirts more often. "We like how you look in that. Wear skirts more." WTF. I told him "so I have to get a guy by wearing skirts and THEN get him to appreciate my brain?" "yes." WTF. No. Appreciate the brain. Screw the skirt. Well... later. What?
9. Don't freeze up when ignorant ass bamas try you. Look 'em dead in the eyes to let them know you're on to their lame game. Step it up, bamas.
10. Love yourself. The weirdest stuff happens when you do.

And yes, 2 & 8 weren't originally in the body of the post in any direct or indirect context and therefore not technically legal under the caption "recap" but that's where I stuck them, so get over it. And don't try to correct me with #4's useage of "their psycho" instead of "they're psycho." Here, "psycho" is being used in place of "psychosis," which makes "they're psychosis" incorrect.

And, for a complete non-sequitor (-er? oh well, whatever):
Yes, I am a border Nazi.

Monday, August 14, 2006

when english class fails

"Body Recovered From Lake In Germantown
A body has been recovered from a lake in Germantown after someone drove a car into it."

Did someone drive the car into the body, or the lake? We assume that someone drove the car into the lake, and that the body that was recovered is that of the person who drove the car into the lake, but we're not supposed to assume. The sentence should be clear and not vague and ambiguous.

Seriously. When you're the news, you NEED to be grammatically correct.

Set the example. People use you to learn english. Teach them properly.

That is all.


Thursday, August 10, 2006

and i realized I want that someday

I just saw Idina Menzel's '04 Tony acceptance speech, and I realized that that's what I want in my life. Look at her husband's reaction. That's exactly what I want.


The inner art of Self

I feel good.
Last night, in addition to talking to MSI and getting the whole PA ball rolling, which is really great... I got the phone call. The "save us, we need you" phone call.

It's nice to get that call.
And I'd actually do it, if my schedule allowed.

Which it doesn't.

But I've let go enough where I would do something with them if it did.
Which it doesn't.

So I won't. But it was nice to get the call anyways. And I agreed to meet with them face to face. Who knows, I might get a contact out of the non-deal.

Marc and MSI have been my saviours these past few days. Marc especially, because he keeps acting so shocked when I hit high notes, or sing the part to the Diva in the 5th element, and he keeps telling me I'm going to be on his record... and...

Tonight I'm sitting here, and it hits me. I need to get back to the things I've always wanted to do. They're who I am. I am my craft, and my craft is me.

Damnit, I've missed my craft. And I've never felt so proactive before, in terms of being settled. I don't have to be bitter... I looked at so much which is passing me by while I'm stuck in this depression and it's not getting anyone anywhere.

I love my life. Now. Not when I graduate, NOW. I've accomplished a ton, and I've been able to do it with minimum breakdowns. I'm happy NOW. Not because some guy likes me or doesn't like me, or because I measure up against some imaginary intangible standard that only changes depending on which cultural standards I'm adhering to at the moment.

I'm a good girl. And I'm working on the balance.

And it feels good.

Day 6 of the new attitude... had a minor setback where I felt myself going back to the pits of insecurity, but I pulled myself out of it by calling a friend for distraction. Ultimate goal: to be able to pull MYSELF out.

Day 06 of the new attitude: I'm still good.

it's time to accept it.

I'm either lactose intolerant, or I'm allergic to anything with "lean" in the title.

Every time I eat a leanpocket, I get sick.


Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Free Your Mind (and the rest will follow)

I spent the weekend in the Maryland mountains.
Learned alot. Mainly about myself. Had a stern speaking to by my brother which damn near turned my life around.

As a result, I'm free of alot of things.
I'm taking his words a day at a time, trying to relive his conversation, trying to keep it fresh so I never forget the feeling when the bomb dropped and the chip lifted
from my shoulders and

I let go.

I let go of all the father drama I've carried for years. I still mourn some stuff, but for the most part these tears are for the time I've lost hating a man that really didn't know any better.

I let go of feeling entitled to respect. Screw that. If you promise to do something with me, and you don't come through, and I put aside time for you, lesson learned for me and I'll just have a backup next time. I'm not worried about you.

I let go of my fear of emotions and men. So long as I'm right with Baha'u'llah, everything's going to work out the way it's supposed to. I live my life. Best way that I know how. You either fit in, or you don't. Put your Faith in God. God will not let you down. Worrying about man will get you nowhere.

This is very freeing.

Mainly the dad stuff. He and I came a LONG way this weekend.

I felt like... I owe it to the folks without the opportunity to make the most of mine. And he really doesn't know any better. He is what he is, he's not gonna change, and it is what it is as a result. No amount of wishing it was different is going to make it so.

And he really does try, I was just so wrapped up in bitterness and hate that I couldn't recognize what he was trying to do. In addition to the fact that his methods make no sense, but whatever. He told me some stuff that shocked the crap out of me. We made our peace. At least, I made mine.

Funny thing is, I was at a conference. I guess I needed to go there in order to have everything else happen. In an everything-in-the-universe-is-related-and-there-are-no-coincidences way, I guess that's why none of my friends (and potential friends) came. While they each had personal reasons, I think they missed it so that I'd be forced to have that time with my dad and not pull my friends as an excuse to be busy.

Maybe that's why the universe & I chose this time for me to be alone. So I can work more on myself before I try to bring someone else into my mess.

I'm housecleaning.

Man, prayer's something. Lemme tell you that.
Prayer is definetly something.


Thursday, August 03, 2006

insecure isolation

My priorities are all out of whack.

I think every artist goes through a period of time where they're insecure about their craft, themselves in their craft and their talent.

Mine has lasted over a month.

All I can think about is how much I suck. I suck at everything I want to do, and I'm not talented, and how I know nothing.

I really don't know anything about anything.

I hope I grow out of this, cause it sucks to be in suckworld so far.

And now I have to leave and suck in front of kids and grown ups. Seriously... no amount of prayer is going to get me through this. I hate myself.

I'm going to finish the job I started; dig a hole and stay underground.

I just have to get through this weekend first.