I spent the weekend in the Maryland mountains.
Learned alot. Mainly about myself. Had a stern speaking to by my brother which damn near turned my life around.
As a result, I'm free of alot of things.
I'm taking his words a day at a time, trying to relive his conversation, trying to keep it fresh so I never forget the feeling when the bomb dropped and the chip lifted
from my shoulders and
I let go.
I let go of all the father drama I've carried for years. I still mourn some stuff, but for the most part these tears are for the time I've lost hating a man that really didn't know any better.
I let go of feeling entitled to respect. Screw that. If you promise to do something with me, and you don't come through, and I put aside time for you, lesson learned for me and I'll just have a backup next time. I'm not worried about you.
I let go of my fear of emotions and men. So long as I'm right with Baha'u'llah, everything's going to work out the way it's supposed to. I live my life. Best way that I know how. You either fit in, or you don't. Put your Faith in God. God will not let you down. Worrying about man will get you nowhere.
This is very freeing.
Mainly the dad stuff. He and I came a LONG way this weekend.
I felt like... I owe it to the folks without the opportunity to make the most of mine. And he really doesn't know any better. He is what he is, he's not gonna change, and it is what it is as a result. No amount of wishing it was different is going to make it so.
And he really does try, I was just so wrapped up in bitterness and hate that I couldn't recognize what he was trying to do. In addition to the fact that his methods make no sense, but whatever. He told me some stuff that shocked the crap out of me. We made our peace. At least, I made mine.
Funny thing is, I was at a conference. I guess I needed to go there in order to have everything else happen. In an everything-in-the-universe-is-related-and-there-are-no-coincidences way, I guess that's why none of my friends (and potential friends) came. While they each had personal reasons, I think they missed it so that I'd be forced to have that time with my dad and not pull my friends as an excuse to be busy.
Maybe that's why the universe & I chose this time for me to be alone. So I can work more on myself before I try to bring someone else into my mess.
Man, prayer's something. Lemme tell you that.
Prayer is definetly something.