Wednesday, May 28, 2008

darn it.

all of a sudden,
not only have i bought a biological clock,
but its alarm, without being set, is ringing.

i want to fall in love, get married, have lots of sex, and even pop out some kids.

what the hell happened to me?
bw

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

goodbye.

DANIEL BEDINGFIELD
"If You're Not The One"

If you’re not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you’re not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know what the future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don’t need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don’t need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you’re not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you’re not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don’t know why you’re so far away
But I know that this much is true
We’ll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you’re the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

‘Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
‘Cause I love you, whether it’s wrong or right
And though I can’t be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t want to run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms

Monday, May 26, 2008

best. weekend. ever.

girl's weekend out.
I was fully prepared for it to suck.

I was not prepared for the "weekend of firsts"

it was mad crazy.

in the end, I learned alot:
how to live in the moment.
how to live without a plan.
how to [edited].
how to let things go.
how to be treated like a lady.
how to demand treatment like a lady and expect nothing less.
how to [edited again].
[just plain edited].


and, after everything,
I'm in like.
And it feels really, really good.
The weird part is, I've no idea how old he is.
But we rock.
Like is good. I like "like."


We'll see. I'm not holding my breath or anything. And, I've got a few loose ends to clean up, like the bear (who has got to go) and the feelings for my exbf that I haven't gotten over yet.

Yes, they're still there. It takes me a while to move past people. I allow them so much into me and my heart that I can't just "move on" at the snap of a finger. But I can't let my fellow mixed scotsman in without letting someone out so I've got to get to steppin on that.

You read me. Mixed Scotsman.
Gor-GEOUS.
I like like.
I'm in like.
I think I'll stay here for a while.
The water's fine.

=)

b, who saw firsthand that everything happens for a reason, and everything works out the way it's supposed to.

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

here's the thing

I'm depressed.
I'm completely unhappy with my life.
And it's all because I have refused to take the risks necessary towards my happiness... I have been forced to take the happiness out of my life because it's not...
the proper way of doing things.

I'm done with the proper way of doing things.

Kelly and Raymond have worked me pretty hard. They don't know they have, but they have. Raymond had me in tears tonight. Just soul tears; the kind that come when your soul is crying because someone spoke the truth to you and you can't handle it with words... your spirit is responding under all of the sh*t you've buried it under, screaming out in salt water communication: "I'm here. I'm still here, and I'm listening."

Raymond killed me tonight.

And then he hit me with "I love you" and the more he said it, the more I cried.

I'm moving to chicago.

Thought you all should know.

b

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

why

is it that just because you have a connection with someone
no matter how plutonic
people think there's something going on?


WTF

bw

a poem i wrote last night...

four letter words

love is a four letter word like
shit is and
shit is what you get when
they really want to
fuck you so they
fuck with you until you
feel like
shit
and it's all in the
name of love


see I
love like
fire
doused with alcohol and gasoline and fed dry crisp wood
smother me I dare you for if not
I will consume you
love I love anyway no I will not
fuck you but fuck
with me and I won't know the difference
cause I can't see through
shit.
Not his shit not your shit not the shit of the man whose spot you're standing in not the new shit the kids are slinging these days not old shit not young shit not foreign not homegrown. But
tell me you love me and that shit
sure sounds good to me but
how is it that though
I won't fuck you I somehow
get fucked over by you
is that love or is that the
same old shit
I have been conditioned
to accept shit for love
lesson learned
fuck. shit. love.

b

nope nope and more nope

It's all wrong.
We're both just trying to fill a hole the other person left. That's all it is.
Right?
I have to move on.
With everything.
But the days go by so fast... I blink and it's already friday.
Aurgh.
Some stuff is looking up, though.
I think I was sent a person... a guardian Angel... who is going to help me not bury myself in the depression I feel I'm burying myself in.

I've been loving the wrong person.
I aught to be loving me.

bw