Friday, July 28, 2006

Within a year?

Hrm. I might accept that. I'd like to think of myself as ready for love (or at least extreme like) again, but with my upcoming schedule, it wouldnt be fair to one. Unless he was willing to put up with someone he knows likes him and only him, who can give him the security of being loved (albeit from afar) and the space cause she's got other things to do. If he's secure enough to handle that, and still be supportive, send him my way.

And I do leave the house. Just not often. And internet dating is interesting, but scary. Very scary still. Not really any different from a blind date or a personals ad, but I don't think I'll need that. I'm sure I'll be just fine. Just need to get some stuff done first.


You'll Find a Boyfriend Within a Year

Either you're not ready for a relationship...
Or you're not quite ready to leave the house
You can't meet a guy from your couch
So at least consider meeting one from your computer!

Dear God...

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

karma's a bitch

so all that talk about how cute I look bit me in the ass.

One of the girls at work is a puller, and pulled at least three people (her sister is 4 days early, and a coworker and myself are bothin shifting, and ended up shifting to the same day) to her schedule.

Therefore, whereas before I would be slim and happy and dance-ready, now I'll be bloated and miserable and in pain and have no energy.

Luckily the dress will still look good, and thankfully I'm wearing the dress that dances on its own.

In other, less important news, my myspace acct was inexplicably deleted. Don't know why. Nothing bad on there. < shrugs >

Oh well. Next thing.


Thursday, July 27, 2006

stop encouraging me!

so my boss & my coworkeer want me to wear the va-voom killer dress instead of the hotmama dress to the wedding. Now I think that's just mean. And THEN, yesterday, one of the ladies in my comunity gave my black lace you know whats to wear to the wedding. Mom & I fell out, because she gave one pair to mom, and the other pair to me and was like "you're both single women! dont people find others at weddings?? go! have fun!"

We're still in shock. It's like the equivalent of your great-gram mgiving you a thong or a condom or something & saying "have fun!" Like anyone's gonna see that! But she's like YOU know it's there and I'm still about to die.

It's like people WANT me to be the bad girl. I'm NOT the bad girl! I'm the one that everyone expects to be a lil bit naughty. But I'm only that way with people I LIKE... like my bfs or whatever, that's not for the general public! Omg.

Still about to die. And still mad at the boss & my lil bro for wanting me wo go va-voom.

it was twenty(five) years ago today

John Walsh & his wife are at the White House today to be present for when the President signs the Adam Walsh Bill into law. For those who don't know, John Walsh is the face of America's Most Wanted, and The Center for Missing and Exploited Children. His son, Adam was abducted 25 years ago from a shopping mall, and a few days later his severed head was found within miles of the area where he went missing. His body has yet to be found, and no one has been implicated in the case.

John Walsh dedicated his life to the prevention of such horrors occuring, and became an advocate for the child sex offender registry. The proposed Bill being signed into effect today, the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act, legalizes a National Sex Offender registry.

Finally. It's a great step in the right direction.

For other news, check out the Post's article, found here:


Wednesday, July 26, 2006

shopping, invites, spending money, and the stuff you know what i mean

shopping & spending money:
I dropped 75$ in one place yesterday.
BUT, lemme tell you what I got for that 75$:
a. 5 pairs of shoes, 3 for mom, 1 gorgeous pair of boots with tread (just the way I like them) and another pair of heels for work
b. a *gorgeous* light cream/peach number that's PERFECT for a jazz character, or a 50's dinner party. All I have to do is shorten the straps.
c. an "if dresses could kill" dress. If they're gonna hate me at the wedding in the short brown number, they'll want to kill me in this dress... It's black satin, with a thigh high slit, and a strappy back that you have to get woven into to hold th esides together. I've never seen anything like it, and when I put it on, I felt like I was a femme fatale in a Bond flick. Huh, got the bond-girl bathing suit, now I've got the femme fatale evening dress... Is life trying to tell me something? Eat your heart out, world. I'm telling you, it's like it was *made* for me, even down to the nonexistent cleavage. So I own it, have no reason to wear it, and will most likely never wear it outside of my house. But I'm going to put it on right after I finish this blog & feel GOOOOOOOOD.
d. A new pair of grey pants (because apparently I can never have enough, but they're dark grey (new move for me) and they're L.E.I., which everyone (mom) has caught on that I love)
e. a solid red sheath dress that's good for work
f. cup insterts to sew into the hot mama dress
g. this dress is funky and kinda hard to describe. it's black with orangish print flowers on it, comes to my thigh, deep cut wrap front... and... it's got long sleeves that split at the shoulder and rejoin at the cuff. Okay, maybe it wasn't that hard to explain. It would look really cute with thigh high boots. Don't have any, but I know where the pair I want is on the internet. Now, if I can just convince myself to spend 50$ on boots...
h. a cream, off-white summery, flowery dress. It's cute. red & peach flowers, green leaves, teeny red lace trim. cute. not me, but a nice summery, colorful change. One can't be goth year-round, and now that I've discovered the sun, I kinda like it. Plus, I like updating my wardrobe on occasion with fresh stuff. Especially fresh stuff that only cost me 3$.
i. a new total me shirt. it's sleeveless, stretchy, black with purple and cream stripy print... and it has the stringy things that come out from the shoulder. Can't say for sure how annoying those will get, but it's total me as I can just throw it on top of basic black pants for a look thats instantly pulled together & go. No wondering about shoes or accessories. Perfect. Basic clubwear backup too. I'm tired of wearing the same stuff. Everyone's seen my clubwear. I have three shirts I alternate between, and I'm pretty sure I've been photographed in all three now, so I need new stuff.
j. a lace square mom wanted for under the picture of Abdul-Baha
k. a square of some fabric mom wanted for some reason known to her and not me.

Sidebar: I just put on the dress. I feel like all the lights went out, I'm a lounge singer, there's a piano calling for me to lay on it & sing "Sooner or Later." If you have no idea what song that is, rent Dick Tracy. OOOh, forgot to tell you. It has a train, too. Not too long, but at first I thought it was trailing on the ground because I was short and had no heels on in the fitting room, but the front's fine. It's got a train. *sigh*.

So I kinda got a taste of what the phrase "retail therapy" means. Only, I think the people who suffer the most from that affliction are those who drop 200$ and walk out with only one item of clothing, so I'm good. Besides, I only go crazy shopping once a year or every 6 months, and if I need something, I usually go in for that one item & walk out with that one item, so I'm good. Plus, I have a rule where I get rid of something for ever article I purchase new (unless it's a costume, which the peachy 50's dress is).

Got invited to go out friday night. I think hell has frozen over, but now I have clothes to wear out, so we'll see. then today GetontheBus asked me to go out friday, so we'll see.

The stuff you wanted to know about:
Day one: Was nervous, he said I did good, so I'm good.
Day two: Surreal. Just... surreal.

And yes, I'm still wearing the dress.

Oh, there's quotes of the day too, but they're about spermbanks and they're too funny to put here. But they were funny.


Sunday, July 23, 2006

being alone, out with the old, and reclaiming lost loves.

being alone:
I woke up and half the day was already gone. it was 1 something in the afternoon, and I'd missed the opportunity to get much of what I wanted done. Then among mom's first words to me are "you should go downstairs & do some tae bo."

How many last straws must I endure before she lays off of my body?

So I fire back with "have you seen my body?!?"
Which, of course offends her and now we're not talking.

Other list of people I'm not talking to: my friends. Sure, I'm down to two now anyways, but I really had to think about it. I had a disagreement with one that ended in silence, and granted the silence is being extended on my side, bue I'm continuing it for my own reasons which I'll get into after I get through why I'm not talking to the other one (and by "not talking to" I dont mean "complete silence," I mean "not in the same way/capacity"). He instigates. I didn't realize how easily I fall prey to his instigation until last night or two nights ago when I let slide that things had changed between myself and the other friend (keep yer yap shut, banafsheh) and within minutes it had been blown completely out of proportion and assumptions were being made that had nothing to do with why I was upset in the first place. One of those "not-the-point-but-the-principle" deals.

So I examined my life today and my friends and how I fit into the grand scheme of social circles and realized that I (yet again) give too much t=stock into what people say. I mean, who gives a rat's ass? If I'm not getting along with someone, or if I choose to spend some alone time from someone for whatever personal reason I've got, it's not your business. Not only that, but who are you to turn it into stuff it's not by assumption? So I decided to have formal friendships and relationships with the both of them until I can sort out how to handle myself.

It just bugs me that being single has just as much drama, it seems, even more, than being in a relationship. At least in being in a relationship, you only had drama with one other person. Being single seems to be much more complicated. When I was first alone, the pendulum swung in such a dramatic way, I didn't care about anyone, I didnt care what anyone thought and I didn't feel like dealing with anyone's shit.

Now I think the pendulum's swung back without me managing to find the balance. I care too much what people think, and I keep seeking approval.

Fuck other people. I'm going to get my stuff done. And If I'm alone, so be it. So stop trying to get me with someone, stop asking me "so, how are you and so-and-so doing?" because it's a bullshit question and I'm not going to answer it seriously anymore. Prepare for "he died. thanks for your concern. funeral's wednesday."

There's a difference between DEpendance, INdependance and INTERdependance. I've been the first, truck my way to the second and crave the third.

Which is why I've given up on the third. I'd settle for the second but Humans are inherently social beings and I don't want to die without having human compassion and love bestowed upon me. So I'll do like I said I would & adopt kids. I'm too awkward & rambly around people I like and I hold people I love to standards higher than people I don't. So I'll never be satisfied.


out with the old:
I'm going through my closet & dumping out everything I havent ever worn, or haven't worn in a long time. I'm tired of my life being a mess. The whole deal behind being single was to get my life in order, damnit. fine job I've done of that.

reclaiming lost loves:
I'm turning myself off to romance and relationships. Everything I've got and will have will be strictly plutonic unless the male in the situation says "I'd like to pursue something with you." Which I will attend on a case-by-case basis. The fact that no one likes me at this point makes this easy. It provides me with the ability to return to my long lost love: the stage. I've started to look at bilaws again. I've started scouting real estate again. I'm talking to folks who can get stuff in motion. Hpoefully by this time next year, I'll have a company. My idea of life isn't yours, world. I've known I'm going to be alone in this. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can stop wasting time and emotion on people who aren't going to understand what I mean anyway. Oddly, I'm happy. =)


Wednesday, July 19, 2006

of course it is

lesson learned:
I'm the kind of person who has to talk out my problems. It helps when I talk it out with other people, cause sometimes they give me perspective on whatever it is I'm dealing with.

Anyways, the lesson begins when exbest came back into my life, and told me that he and his gf (who i used to be friends with until he told me she was spreading a rumor about me) broke up.

So I told my bf. Who then had lunch with the ex gf, and told her I told him.
Which brings back all these horrible memories I have of her/with her, along with the accusations which won't die & got resurrected by one of her friends in January. Anyways so now I'm bracing for the rumor of how happy i am that they broke up cause now i can make my move on him or something.

Which doesn't make me feel good because he and I have been talking about going to WVA to a cabin lately. Which isn't going to happen, but is a nice thought. Since he came back into my life immediately post-breakup which made me question how it was that he was magically free to be my friend again, and not only that but was so eager to hang out which is what I confided in my bf in the first place.

So, lesson learned #1:
Keep yer yap shut. Had I not spread the business in the first place, I wouldn't have to be worrying about all that.

There's no #2 lesson learned, it's number one as in PRIMO.

Sidebar: I'm glad GH brought the H back.

So yeah. Def. Keep yer yap shut.

The last time I did something selfless for her, I got burned, bad. I've had my guard up ever since when it comes to her, and I always will.

the hypocritcic oath

Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
And the truth shall set you free

But my favourite:

Truth is the foundation of all virtues.

I said that sunday to *'s nephew... along with this longass lecture (which I'm sure he'd heard a gadzillion times) about how he shouldn't have strayed from his mom at the festival. But the part that got me riled wa the part where a policeman asked for his name since he fit the description of a missing child, and he lied & said some other name. So my part of the lecture was mainly about how the man trusted him to tell the truth, and that because he didn't so many police officers were deployed to find him, and his family is still going crazy, when he could have ended the search much sooner.

Driving home it hit me. I felt like a total hypocrite, cause I hadn't told my mom about the summer classes. I've got to do that, soon. And the truth, not the cover half truth I was preparing.



Saturday, July 15, 2006

validate me

a mom just walked in to turn some paperwork in for her daughter who'll be participating in the arts camp next week.

she recognized me, and started telling me stories about her daughter's attitude towards theater and people who dont get their acts together... And I couldnt help feeling proud, and we ended up having a 45 min discussion about her daughter's future and how to get into different groups & stuff...

I feel good, and her mom basically gave me some credit for working with her daughter.


I feel good!


big boy

so there's a guy that works here
and he's HUGE
so huge that he's perpetually in a state of perspiration
now, he has a habit of taking the community keys
there's only one set
and it's on a lanyard
and instead of keeping them in his pocket, or RETURNING THEM like he's supposed to
he keeps them around his neck
and when i saw that
and the sweat rolling off of him
i just want to wash the keys
and not touch them

I mean, I think that's a little rude... Like you know you have a problem... you KNOW you have a problem because you have knee problems due to your weight. And I'm not being insensitive to that. What I dont understand is you, perspiring like someone turned on a sub-cutaneous sprinkler & walked away, and then using the ONLY SET OF KEYS as a headband.

That's gross.

I'm going to hell.



So I'm walking in to work to get the key that unclocks my side when I see a guy who used to work thursday nights with me. Now he's on saturdays. He's prolly in his 50s, he's got to be in his 50s, and he hits me with "we were supposed to have dinner"


and he's like "did you forget?" and i'm walking away like "i must have" and he's like "well consider this your reminder"

and all that is running through my head is besu's comment yesterday,

"man, how do you keep getting all these lame-ass dudes?"

it's true. I get lame-ass dudes. Now, fing is, you dont always know about people. But then, then open their mouths, like these dudes. You're 50! And yesterday, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP.

what kind of deslusion have you wrapped yourself into?



Friday, July 14, 2006

rubbing, hot mamas, mamas, haters, dad, and being alone

Last night was a really good concert. Not that I was there, cause I had to work. But Besu and Noel went out last night. I bet they had fun, and I'm kinda glad that no one's rubbed it in that I wasn't there. Doubt they will, and I love them for it, though I'm dying to know how the concert was. I'm sure one of the two of them will fill me in.

Hot mamas, mamas and haters:
Mom (my personal dresser) and I have been debating as to what to wear to my cousin's wedding at the end of this month. She went into my closet & was looking at all these long, black dresses, which I've worn already (not the issue) but don't particularly care for in the spirit of the even (the issue). It's a summer afternoon wedding! Can we break out of black? Long black dresses? Dark colors? Can we get some light blues, some tealength dresses, some chiffon? She brings back a two-piece LONG bridesmaid dress that is at least not black, but still isn't on the vein of the summer, flirty piece I was trying to get her to envision. I mean, I'm 25. Everyone else my age wears fun, flirty stuff, and I dress like a 40 year old. On the fourth of July, I saw the dress my "cousin" is going to wear, and I made a show to my mom about how that dress is *precicely* the type I was talking about.

Last night, mom delivered. She went shopping and bought a skirt and two dresses. The skirt's a keeper, and one of the dresses is HOT MAMA. It's EXACTLY what I was looking for. It's brown, which although it's not exactly the summery fresh color I was thinking of, is still my favourite color and I plan on ROCKING IT. Mom said that the summer blues and yellows against my skin would wash me out, and she's (of course) right. The woman knows her sh*t. I trust her fashion sense. So I put on the brown dress, and my skin tone looks darker.


It's a halter top, with a ruched (sp?) torso and three-tiered ruffled skirt. I am in love with this dress. It's flirty, and fun, and makes me feel young. Mom says it needs neutral-toned shoes (as I'm looking up brown matching strappy heels). When I asked why (cause I have my heart set on these brownish bronze faux snakeskin strappy sandals from Vic Secret) she said because anything else will detract from the dress and then all I'd hear for the event would be "ooh, cute shoes."

Then she listed off all the people who are going to hate me for wearing the dress. You know what? Fuck 'em. I look good, damnit. I'm tired of having to watch what I wear because everyone else hates that I look good. Can _I_ enjoy my body for the next five years before it all goes south? Damn! I have limited time. I'm gonna enjoy it. I can't help that this looks good in that dress. Haters.

The anticlimactic addendum to the hotmama dress is the mama dress. As in I look like a mother who is trying to keep with the trends in that dress. It has the little fold top and then it's shorter in the front than it is in the back. It's got the swooshy design on the outer mesh with the puff paint and the swilrs... It's a good salsa dress, but I'll pass. Why?


That said, I need to do more pushups and run some more. Cause SO much skin is being showed, and I wanna have decent guns, and better looking legs, since I'm going to be showing much of my legs off.


Dad called last night. He wanted to know if I was really going to Dayspring this year (I am) because he's going. Then he let me know that he's not staying on campus because he's "spoiled in his ways" since he's used to hotels and refuses to sleep on a cot. Then he asked me the REAL reason he called. He asked if OhioH was coming. I said he wasn't. Dad's got his hopes up.

Sigh. I almost wish I hadn't told him, but he's so happy. I'll let him live in his world.

Being alone:
Besu's last performance with Sugoi is tonight. Now I'm going, and as a matter of fact I split my outfit today in half, the top part is for day, since no one sees the bottom part anyways from sitting at the counter, and the bottom part is the night, with the strappy heels. I took my lowcut shirt for the concert tonight & my makeup bag, and I'll change at job3 when I leave. But I don't want to go to Besu's concert alone, and Noel has to work tonight. So he's not going, and there went the pool for people I do things with. I really don't want to go by myself. I dunno, it's not appealing to me to be surrounded by people I don't know, who'll be drinking, and not have someone I can talk to that I trust. But Besu's cousin will be there, and I've at least met him before, so I should be good. Besides, it's all for Besu, anyways, and if I have to sacrifice a lil comfort in favor of his last performance I guess I should have brought another shirt to wear tonight instead of the good one.


Thursday, July 13, 2006

it's the little things

Yesterday, a man bowed in thanks to me.
It shocked me so, but it was so sincere & sweet that it had me grinning for the rest of the day.

The next little thing needs some setup:
At work, when people come in to check in for their hearings, I give them a clipboard of information & pen to fill out. I'm in one window, and they're supposed to return it to another window when they're done. Normally, people return the whole thing (minus one pen) to Window #5 like they're supposed to, but this guy took the paperwork over to window 5 & brought the clipboard & pen back to me.

I dunno why that struck me as out of the ordinary... well, because it was, but it was nice, and different.


i swear, it's the little things that get me through the day.


Wednesday, July 12, 2006

camping, the city slicker way

I want to go camping, like really "roughing it" camping.

But, I know my idea of camping, as I told my survivalist friend last night is "show up, pitch a tent, eat, sleep, wake up, take the tent down & go home."

Not so, as I'm finding out thanks to google (and the survivalist friend).

Funny thing is, last night I was chatting with the oldbestfriend, and the statement/point I was *trying* to make was:

I want to start up the rock climbing thing again because I want to go camping, and incase there are rock faces there, I want to be able to scale them, and do more in the experience.

Didn't really get that out, because I got as far as "I want to start up rock climbing because I want to go camping" and he jumped on the idea of camping. Now, keep in mind that for an hour before this I've been getting used to the idea that I'm going to have to dig a hole in the ground to use as a latrine, and learn how to clean a fish and all this sort of stuff, and I'm convincing myself that I'm gonna like the great outdoor, poison ivy, oak, mosquitoes, gnats & all. But when I get out the "I want to go camping," he jumps on that like "ooh, my co-worker has a cabin in west virgina, and we can go atv," etc... and I'm like, wow. I sound like that. "camping" means "a/c surrounded by the outdoors, but not really outdoors."

That must be what I sound like to the survivalist.

BUT the oldbestfriend has a 3 person tent... which I want to borrow for my first excursion. I get that camping involves material cost, but I'm trying to minimize it
as much as possible... I don't want to buy a one person tent if I'm going to go with my friends in the future, and I don't want to buy a tent at all if I'm going to hate the experience and never do it again.

Besides, the one person tents... they look cool, but I'm not a survivalist. I don't do things alone. I want 5 people in a 3 person tent, damnit. People don't go camping to be alone, do they? Maybe some of them... but I go camping for the fire, and the stories, and the guitar, and the songs... the communal communing with nature. This individual stuff... man, forget that. I can imagine it now, I'm alone in my tent, and a curious racoon comes up to see what this thing is that has blocked his normal path, and I hear some clawing and sniffing at my tent, and I freak out, and let out a scream so lound that the ranger won't need a map to find me. Just follow the sound like a beacon. Siren that I'll be.

So I'll borrow the 3 person tent from oldbest and sleep in the middle. I wanna do a trial run with some friends... go to the forest, and camp the way I know, pitch a tent, start a fire, eat, make a smore, go to bed, wake up the next day & go home.

I think more than one person can sleep in a tent, I mean, you're not sleeping together, per se... Each individual has their own sleeping bag... I just don't like the idea of having to sleep by myself in the middle of the woods. I'd rather have someone in the tent with me. That's all.

So we'll go camping as a trial run. I'll borrow the tent & see who wants to go.


Tuesday, July 11, 2006

oh, so now we're friends again?

old best friend is talking to me again...
I still haven't forgiven him in a way, so there's this space... but still, he's telling me about how he and the female exbestfriend are on a break now, and i'm like... are you only talking to me because you're allowed to now that you're not seeing her?

now he's got jury duty and stuff, and i'm telling him the ins & outs of where to park so he wont get a ticket and he's like, "let's do lunch, i miss hanging out with you."

That has such a great capacity to piss me off, and I'm really fighting it. I mean, you can only be friends with one of us at a time? Granted, she hates me, so he made the right choice, but... Don't be all "i miss you!" when it's really "hey! i can hang out with you again!"


either way, I'm keeping my distance. I'm still not really over it.

it's like he's liberated & he wants things to go back to the way they were.

Well I haven't cooked for a man in a long time.
And I may still not cook for a man.


i guess i'll read the news

So at the new position, I can't listen to music or watch youtube or do any of the things I used to do when I had a desk that wasn't frequented by members of the public.


So I'm sitting around chatting on gmail, since I refuse to go on myspace today (did I type "today"? I mean for right now), wondering what website I'm going to surf to pass the time. Besides this one, I settled on:

The News.

I'm so wrapped up in my own world, it's about time I paid attention to the outside. I've been avoiding it on purpose, cause it's too depressing, and I still won't watch the news on TV, but I think reading it allows me to digest what's going on on my own time.

So now I'll actually know what's going on in the world. Broaden my horizons some. Who'dve thunk it?

Maybe I'll work on my plays some, work on my designs for the theater some, look up some plays and get 5 years of seasons going.

Maybe I'll start my life.

Wow, when you're not distracted by mindless crap, you actually get stuff done.



i don't want to work, i just want to bang on the drums all day

Last night I went over Boyd's to do the voice over.

Every time I go over there, he lets me play on his drumset. Last night, he put in the instructional dvd, and wouldn't you know, I'm a fast learner.

It started when I told Boyd to teach me the guitar. Then somehow the instructional drum dvd came out, and we started watching that, then it got to the tv next to the drum set, then I'm playing along, learning the drums.

I love it. There were some rythms that I was cursing the guy out, but for the most part, I got it, and I just need practice. There's this one beat I can't get yet, but I'm gonna work it out. Watch out world!

I wouldn't say I'm good, I wouldn't say I'm halfway decent, but Boyd said I picked up much faster than he did, and he doesn't BS so I'm glad.

HA! I'm a drummer!


Monday, July 10, 2006


This morning on the radio, a gentleman X-ray tech called in re a girl who came in with abdominal pain. Since they dont xray pregnant people, they did a pregnancy test on her first. This didn't shock me, since they did that to me as well when I was 11-13 when I went in for abdominal pain, and they usually don't believe the kid no matter what, especially if the parent is there.

Turns out the kid was pregnant.

How can you be 11 and pregnant? That's what the abdominal pain was coming from.

How can you be 11 and pregnant? You're freaking eleven! What are you doing... freaking? Go ride a bike, not a person!

Omg, the decline of civilisation.

Get religion, people.

Quote taken from>1=7701

"Sales in 2005 allowed the chamber to donate $13,000 to the Preston School District Education Foundation, plunk $25,000 into its annual Festival of Lights event Thanksgiving weekend and pay for this year's festival."

Interesting. 13k to school, 25k (a teacher's salary in a year) to the festival of lights. Seems to me it should be the other way around. Skimp on the lights, and buy the kids some damn books and microscopes! HOW CAN YOU NOT GIVE MORE MONEY TO SCHOOLS???

What is wrong with freaking America?


i always pick the winner

Brava, Italia!

Funny how I always pick the winner, eh?
Or how the players I like are usually the best...

Brava, Italia!

Saturday, July 08, 2006

testing, is the mic on?

I got called back from the company I did the software commercial for to do another one. This one's a voiceover... and the meeting is today where I find out what's expected, and I might even knock out the voiceover at the meeting.


I'm so thrilled!

Between the new partnership, these gigs with this company and my dream theater...
My life is awesome!


the new project

Met Msi last night and we discussed her project. She wants me to partner with her in a movie making company. Then I found out she only has an associate's degree. I've got one of those. Now I'm thinking, here's someone who does what she wants, and she doesn't have a bachelors. Damnit, what am I doing with my life?

So, I'm going into the partnership with her. She wants to start a test video, so I told her to map out the song she wants in terms of scenes. She's got a week to do that, and then we'll look at resoures to make it work. Basically we'll go to local bands and make their music videos to start the company up, and then we'll work on our projects and start putting stuff into festivals.

So, I'm THRILLED to death to be working again. I went & printed out my startup stuff for the theaters, and am gonna try to talk to her about what kind of partnership she wants, and try to find some good contracts, that way we've got ourselves protected.

I want to clear out some space & start making folders to get everything organized...

I'm in business, and I couldnt be happier. It's stuff I understand. If I take a class, it'll be to directly apply this to my life.

Damn, it feels good!


secret longings

I dont want to go to school anymore.
I want to take my money & directly apply it to my life.
I *know* I'd be successful.
It's in my heart, it's in my soul, it's my recurring dream, and I keep putting it aside for duty.

And promises.

And I feel myself dying inside, because ALL I WANT TO DO in LIFE is have this theater.

I feel like I'm not living my life... that I'm being lived as opposed to living, which is precicely what I promised myself I'd stop doing a year ago.

Yet here I am, stuck in a rut, unhappy because I let go of the thing that made me happy in favor of other people's happiness and rules as to what life is, and hwo to live it. And I'm here, 25, an out of work actor when I used to get work ALL the time, out of the game, out of the industry, depressed because I'm not getting anything done.


So I want to take a year off from school. Hell, maybe take two years off. Start work, start my theater, pay off what loans I've got, and start fresh. That's what I want to do.

Will I?

Of course not.

But GOD, it's a glorious dream.


the v is for victim

So I got into an accident in the rain that was my fault by law and not that much my fault by nature of the fact that the car in front of me slammed on her brakes in the middle of a storm and i slammed on mine & skidded into her.

We agreed to fix any damage to her car from the accident, and she mentioned she was in two prior hit & runs, thus saying "you are not getting away from me, i will not be taken advantage of again," which is fine and understandable. Doesn't make it right, but it's understandable.

We said we'd get her bumper (which has no external visible damage) fixed. She called and said she wanted it replaced, for 700$. In addition to that, she's like, "well, who is paying for the rental car while mine is in the shop?"

This is the point where we fully understand that she plans to milk this for what it's worth. Since we tried to handle it outside of the insurance company for fear of the rates being raised. But then mom says, "no insurance company would say to replace it with a new one. They'd say to get it fixed. The insurance company wouldnt let her get away with this much. But that's okay, she'll get hers one day."

And then I snapped. I'm tired of running and letting people run my life for fear of something else. I'd rather pay 100$ extra for the next 30 years than let this lady control my life for a bumper to a car that sustained NO obvious cosmetic damage when MY car's driver side bumper is all smushed in, my hood's lifting from air drag and my driver side headlight is about to cave inside the cavity. There's not even a scratch on her bumper, nor is there a paint mark. Yet, she's somehow justified in a brand new one, and probably wants to make me pay for whatever damage was sustained in her previous accidents. "Here's someone who doesnt want to go through the insurance company. she must be hiding something, so I'll get what I want."


You had a chance to be a decent human being. just get it fixed, and go on about your life. But you want me to pay for a new one, and for the rental car while it's in the shop, and for your pain and suffering since you decided to take off work the next day over a fender bender that busted me up more than it did you.


Now, you get nothing. I said, "well, if the insurance company won't let her do it, go through the insurance company then." She had her chance. She wanted everything, and now she get's nothing. They'll fix, and not replace, and give her 80% of a rental car through the process. So my rate will go up. I didn't have to have her call me every hour with a new demand. And then she's like her bumper is completely smashed in. No, it's not, never was, and I've got the pictures to prove it.

I'm sick of sitting down and letting people friggin take advantage of me.
Everytime something bothers me, I sit there and I take it.

So it felt really good saying I'm not going to let someone get away with stressing me out just to save a few hundred dollars. I'm tired of living in fear of what other people are going to do, or say.

Ironic, huh? I'm the girl people think couldnt care a flying f*ck about other people, who does what she wants, etc, the strong one, etc... Funny, huh? I'm the scared one who says and does nothing for fear of rocking the status quo.

I used to be so different.

Not anymore.

I want the V to go from Victim to Victory, and I'm gonna do it, damnit.


Thursday, July 06, 2006


Boyd just called me.
He wants me to do another voice over.

I swear, the man has perfect timing with when he calls me, or sees me.

That, and God is the most awesome Father ever.
I really appreciate this, God. It's like my little ray of sunshine in the storm.
I'm almost happy right now!


Wednesday, July 05, 2006


Steprapper keeps trying to convince me i'm in love with OhioH.
Just because he has the ability to make my day simply by calling me.

Whatever. What kind of ish is that?



so I was just in one.

I'm running the end of my rope.
What do you want from me?

So Steprapper sent me an ecard, cause it had a cat on it thinking that was going to make me smile... but the accompanying song was Sister Hazel, It's Hard for Me to Say... whose chorus goes:

It's hard to say what it is
I see in you.
Wonder if i'll always be with you.
Words can't say it,
I can't do
Enough to prove
It's all for you.

To which I, happening to be on the phone with him at the time, asked him what was up with that, and he said he saw the title said "All for you" and thought it was a Janet Jackson song.

THAT made me laugh.

Too depressed to laugh too hard.

I think I'm bad luck.
That's it. I'm bad luck.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

selfish about something

I wake up to my mom saying,
"I have it too, and I'm taking your antibiotics"
Now... I don't mind sharing my cough syrup... but the antibiotics... Isn't that unfair? I mean, how can I get better completely if I haven't got those?

I feel selfish.


Monday, July 03, 2006

smashing my head in the fridge

one of, if not *the* singular most important thing (s) has to be:

lack of it is one of the things that broke my parents up
lack of it is what broke me and 1stlove up
lack of it is BAD...

so we're moving the new fridge downstairs and we're trying to set it up and it's inches away from the wall... so since i'm the smallest i have to go fix something in the back so mom tilts it up, and then i go behind it and then it starts moving.

this is a time for communication

so i rush out all freaked, cause I didnt know what was going on and she's like "well, i can't hold it forever" and i'm like "a heads up would be nice!"
So I almost had my head smashed between the wall and the fridge three times. And Each time could completely have been avoidable, had someone spoken up.

and then it's not even... the floor isnt even so it's lopsided and we (I) go to put a plank under the fridge... this I find out after she goes "one, two" and starts to lift the fridge... and i'm like what are you doing and THEN she tells me the plan.

Don't arbitrarily start counting while lifting heavy stuff and NOT tell me I'm supposed to do something. If you do, you're not allowed to be pissed when I forget to read your mind and prepare.

In other news, there's a hornet's nest or some other such insect outside. I dont know which insect, cause I didn't see them, and I cant much tell the difference anyway. So mom comes in looking for spray, which we don't have and grabs:


so i ask her what that's gonna do, and she's like "i'll kill them from the fumes."
Yes. Because glucose polysaccharides are exactly what repels insects. No insects at all are interested in SUGAR. So I hand her some forest bug spray & tell her to try that. How do you get rid of a nest?



Sunday, July 02, 2006

compliments, cherries, superman & the fourth of july

so I'm hoarse with the bronchitis friday... my voice takes a while to start up, but once it gets going it's fine... and I call the choir director to 1. ask him if he's free July 09 and if he'll read the Tablet of Visitation at the Martyrdom of The Bab comemoration at our house if he is, and 2. tell him I've got the bronchitis & see if he still needs me to come to practice.

and he says "banafsheh, stay home! you are the exception to all the rules I put in the choir. You don't ever have to reaudition to get in and you'll catch up in five minutes. I'm not worried about you."

That made me feel good.

What I picked today. We went cherry picking, and when I wasn't cherry picking, I was sleeping, cause it took alot out of me. I liked it though, it's also the first time ever in my life I've felt safe on ladders. AND, we found out that mom doesn't have the cherry picking gene. I do. All her cherries sucked, but I kept finding all the good ones. YAY! I've found my calling, I'm gonna go be a migrant worker now. I'll be buff and tan, and I'll learn to spit.


I'm going to see it at some point tonight. I miss my friends. I'm glad StepRapper & I reconnected, and that he didnt choose sides during the whole uncomfortable email thing. I'm glad I can count on him as a friend. I'm just glad he's there to push me to be the kickass person I used to be instead of letting me do my current bit of wallowing in self pity. He keeps asking me questions like "so how are you and OhioH doing?" which keeps throwing me off cause... aren't those questions reserved for people in relationships who just had a big fight or something? Isn't that when you ask that? But I guess he's just trying to trick me into admitting I like the guy. Which I might. Whatever, I'm not falling for your tricks! I am a rock! I am an island!

The fourth of July:
I'm bored to death being stuck in the house, I didn't get to wear a bathing suit all summer, I'm not going to have the opportunity to do anything for the entire month of July and it hasnt even started yet, and DAMNIT GET ME OUT THE HOUSE. I already got over my fear of showing up to work tanned because 1. i got one cherry picking and 2. it's the fourth of july. if you REALLY expected me to be in the house... damn you for being insensitive. So I'm thinking day trip to a nearby beach. I get to wear a bathing suit, we'll have fireworks, and I'll see friends... at least whoever was free that day. And I'll lay in the sun and soak. up. the. rays.


We'll see what happens. I have options at this point, but as we all know by now, if banafsheh planned it, it's not gonna happen. Maybe this is why people keep trying to get me to be spontaneous... But I just... can't. Beach day trip is a sspontaneous as I can get and that's two days away. Work with me. I'm giving what I've got.