Saturday, July 08, 2006

secret longings

I dont want to go to school anymore.
I want to take my money & directly apply it to my life.
I *know* I'd be successful.
It's in my heart, it's in my soul, it's my recurring dream, and I keep putting it aside for duty.

And promises.

And I feel myself dying inside, because ALL I WANT TO DO in LIFE is have this theater.

I feel like I'm not living my life... that I'm being lived as opposed to living, which is precicely what I promised myself I'd stop doing a year ago.

Yet here I am, stuck in a rut, unhappy because I let go of the thing that made me happy in favor of other people's happiness and rules as to what life is, and hwo to live it. And I'm here, 25, an out of work actor when I used to get work ALL the time, out of the game, out of the industry, depressed because I'm not getting anything done.


So I want to take a year off from school. Hell, maybe take two years off. Start work, start my theater, pay off what loans I've got, and start fresh. That's what I want to do.

Will I?

Of course not.

But GOD, it's a glorious dream.


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