Sunday, December 09, 2007

I knew it. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it.

Taurus: (April 20 - May 20) A hackneyed but nonetheless wise old adage says, “Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can do today.” Don’t be tempted to fall into your old habit of procrastination. The world needs you now.
Gemini: (May 21 - June 20) With your way with words and your gifts for persuasion, you could play an important role in world transformation. Even if you only serve as spokesperson for your own community, you’re still making a difference. Remember that.

Sunday, November 25, 2007


What if we've got cats all wrong?


Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Buying for Banafsheh, 101

It's the holiday season, so I expect some folks might think of me as they shop.

That said, I've included this handy buying tip for when you reach for that Lord of the Rings calendar, you'll know to put it back and get the original print of the books (if not original, at least early enough that it hasn't got the movie representations all splashed on the cover).

Tip #1: I like practical.
Every present I've ever given is something someone can use in some way; either something that will help them make a statement, provide an image, or tools in order to continue a dream. In that vein, I don't like stuff... I have enough random stuff of my own, and to get more stuff frustrates me cause I have to house and make room for just one more thing I can't actually get any use out of.

Tip #2: I like original.
Say some idiotic studio wants to do Casablanca again. Do not buy me anything to do with the new movie. I won't like it. Say the studio actually manages to make a great movie, and I end up liking the new movie in spite of myself. Don't but me anything to do with the new movie. Still get the original poster, or the original film.

Tip #3: I like Vintage.
This kinda ties into Tip #2, with this slight difference: Using the LotR example from before, if you got me a book series without movie images, that's Tip #2. However, if you got me the 1954 original print, I'd simply die.

Tip #4: Collectibles.
I do not go for collectibles, because people do not know what collectibles are. Original is not always collectible. Vintage is. An original, vintage, never opened He-Man is way cooler than the beefcake, overdone, why-can-I-count-the-veins-on-a-toy crap they've got now. Remade stuff now is just kitschy, and won't sell, or mean anything in 20 years. Now, again using the LotR example, the original, animated Bilbo Baggins movie is a collectible. A dvd of this would fall under original. A VHS would fall under vintage, but I wouldn't be able to get much use of it, so the dvd works just fine.

Tip #5: Theater.
THIS WILL ALWAYS WORK. If all else fails, go the theatrical route. Tickets, plays, musical scores, vintage playbills... be creative. I guarantee it'll work. If you screw this up, there's no helping you. Seriously.

Tip #6 Like vs. Love.
If there's something I like, unless you purchase it immediately after I mention it, I will not like it. I will have had time to move on and like something else. If I love it, and it always comes up in conversation, or you know for a fact I'll love it, get it. But if it's like... something that... I have a choice between... How do I explain? If there's a boy band, or a group, and I single out a member as being my favourite, don't get me his calendar. It's not that serious. It's just that of my choices, he's the favourite. That's all. Unless it's noel gallagher, and even with him, I'm stuck between being over him and never getting over him. I think I can sum up our non-existent relationship with: I'll always love him, but I don't have anything of his and I'm very okay with that.

Tip#7 Music.
You can't go wrong with legends. My entire music collection was stolen in the move from Pittsburgh to DC, so I don't have anything.

I think this is good for our introduction of buying for banafsheh.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm wrong.

I'm wrong because he loves me every day.

I was very wrong.


Saturday, November 17, 2007


He loves me. I get that. It's even more evident today.
He came first thing in the morning with breakfast.

He loves me.

And I have no idea what to do with that.


Saturday, November 10, 2007

Happiness comes in little pills

There's an episode of Dr. Who featuring the tenth doctor and Martha, where they go to New Earth and New New York, after the other two times he went with Rose. There's an infrastructure in place there, and some plot lines about self-sufficient busywork, but the part I want to focus on is the drug patches. There's a bit where the market comes to life but all they sell are states of being. There's an anger patch, a happy patch, a sleep patch, and a "forget" patch. So the Doctor goes on this chase to save Martha and ends up finding the senate, all of whose members are long dead, bodies left in the very positions they died in. So the doctor finds that what happened was they all died from exposure to the new patch, "bliss." They were so blissful they just didnt want to do anything or go anywhere so they ended up dying. Blissfully, no doubt, but they're dead just the same.

Anyways, don't know why I shared that; just thought you should know.

I've taken a look about me at the things I've got going on and realised that they're the very things that aught to make me happy. Only I'm not. There's something missing that's been missing for a very long time and I don't want to put my finger on it. Cause it scares me. It scares me that here I am at the brink of the something that's been missing my whole life and...

What if it's fulfilling? What if it's not? What if it kills me? What if I have to give up everything and everyone I've ever loved to have it? Someone pointed out that they can tell when I want to do something simply by the way I light up when i'm discussing it.

This morning, I woke up happy. So happy, in fact, I came to work in what I slept in, and didn't care to don any undies. I thought, I'm going to do things my way; live my life, experience things I want to. I love travel; I'll travel.

I took a look at the things that I have:
I have a theater company. Sure, it's not my theater company, but I certainly won't make aname for myslf being pissed about that minor fact, will I? I've got to get my name out there and ride this train all the way to the station. Else, how will I have anyone willing to work with me when it DOES come time for me? I can't keep waiting... besides, it's better to fail on someone else's dime, anyways, isn't it?

I'm graduating. This is supposed to make me happy, but it's kind of bittersweet. It's freeing me up for my year of service, which I've always wanted to do, and never been able to do... and I can't keep postponing it. Once I even rationalized, well, I'll pioneer when I retire. What if I don't live that long? How can I come to grips with myself knowing I had an opportunity to do something important and then tabled it? It's not just the experience. It's the Year of Service. Baha'i's are encouraged to participate in a Year of Service and I've not done one. I could call myself a Homefront Pioneer, but I don't want to cause I think it's lame, and an easy way out. I've always wanted to do this... From Tanzania to Japan to South America and now China. The country may keep changing but the intent never has. Now's the time. If I stay, I'll never go, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Speaking of regret, I had someone recently encourage me to take on a show. I asked him for advice looking to be talked out of it, and instead he talked me into it, and assured me that we'd get through it. Get through it we did, and there was a point I just resented it all. Looking back, I couldn't be more greatful to him. I'd be sitting here on my own time right now, thinking about the old days of theater instead of thinking, "Well, i handled it. When's the next audition?" He proved to me that I can do more than I let myself decide and settle on. And I absolutely adore him for it.

That's part of the reason this kills me so much. I know I have a man like him in my corner... and to leave just feels like it's a slap in the face... But how can I give up something I've always wanted to do? And it's only for 365 days... I'd be back, with a vengeance, tearing up the DC theater circuit as I've wanted to, working on my children's theater programs and performing at night. Part of the reason I wanted to become a teacher in the first place (aside from weilding the power to influence minds) is the realization that it's the most flexible job ever. You can go anywhere in the world and get a job.


I keep alot bottled up. The whole purpose of getting a blog was so that I'd be able to write. I haven't written a stich since... well.... ever, my poetry site's been hacked and I've completely neglected it cause I didn't think anyone ever really used it. Turns out people do and knowing I'm letting them down just depresses me more instead of making me do something about it.

And all the while, here's this beautiful man in my corner, cheering me on, telling me to get back in the ring and fight it out. And I love him. And I don't want to let him go.

I'm torn, and I'm stuck, and I don't know what to do.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

hit 'em where it hurts

but it hurts everywhere.
i'm depressed. nothing works.
everything's going wrong.

and i'm walking such a fine rope as i try to maintain what dignity i have left instead of relying on bus, since he's got enough worry in life. I mean... I feel like I'm growing dependent on him, and that's the absolute last thing i want to do. i think my original *in* dependence is one of my traits that drew him to me, and since that day i've just grown more and more dependent on him to be there for me.

that's horrible. who wants that?

who wants that?

everything just adds in to my slide. and the drugs i'm on won't let me have a clear head. i can't think straight. it's awful.


Saturday, October 13, 2007


Hrm. This is an essay topic. What is judgement? Is it bad? Is it good? Can it be healthy?

Is advice judgement? Are observations? Opinions?

I believe it's possible to offer advice and not judge. I believe it's possible to have an opinion and not judge. I believe that judgement comes in to play once you qualify a trait as "good" or "bad." That is to say, "he's not a good person." That's a judgement. Or, to believe that someone deserves something based on a previous action. Such as, "she deserves to die."

These are judgements.

It's weird when you give your advice or make an observation and suddenly people feel you're judging them. Not so. I love all of my friends. Even the the ones I don't talk to anymore. For those, I had to make a choice: my sanity, or our friendship. Sometimes, I chose the friendship, and my sanity disintegrated until I changed my decision. Doesn't mean I think the other party is a bad person. My old best friend, even. I don't speak to him for one reason alone: I can't trust him. It's really that simple. I will never again put myself into a position that may require him to have my back because I don't trust that he will. He's still a good person. I've even invited him out a few times to group activities, as he's invited me. But I just don't trust to have him around me. That's all.

In other news, I've been getting hints that a friend of mine feels I've judged him or her. Frankly, I'm confused by that, but slightly tickled by the irony that throughout their rantings and apparent disapproval of being judged, this person seemingly has no problem judging others.

I was speaking with Bus recently, and asked for his insight into a situation a friend of mine was in. He mentioned two gems I think are worth noting:

Gem 1: Just because a person is the most wonderful person in the world doesn't make him or her good relationship material. You could be a great person and not know how to handle an interpersonal relationship.

Gem 2: People try to defend their relationships when they hit rough patches by saying, "no one ever notices the good times, no one ever hears about the good times, everyone only hears the bad times" or some such variant. That is, when people defend their relationship or significant other by suggesting that the outside world has some skewed image of their honey, because they're only aware of the bad times since that's when people normally go to friends for advice. This is a situation that happens often, which is why a friend of mine couldn't stand Bus for a while, since coincidentally, whenever he called, there'd just been some "crisis" or misunderstanding and I was a ball of frustration. So he got the impression that Bus wasn't good enough for me, and he started voicing that opinion. Thing is, he was voicing it not in the constructive "you're too good for him, find someone else" way, but in the "I'm better for you than he is" kind of way, which never works on me.

I digress.

The Gem 2 that Bus was making is that relationships aren't defined by the good times. Rather, they're defined by the rough patches. How the individuals and the couple as a whole come together to work past their differences or personality, age, culture and religion (where applicable) and place the relationship first.

So don't hide behind the good stuff.

On a related, but different note, for crying out loud, don't read clips of stuff, especially when presented in the third person. Read the whole thing. Then make decisions and form opinions.

i think that's all for now.

people are weirding me out.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The deepest sigh

How do you tell someone that they're beautiful?

I have a friend who has a self-fulfilling prophecy that she's worthless. I say I *have* a friend, because she thinks our friendship is over, and I refuse to believe that. My acceptance would make things easy, and I'm not about easy in these situations. It's self-fulfilling because instead of looking towards herself and working to believe that she's fabulous, she seems to truly believe deep down that she's worthless, and instead looked to myself & others to pull her out of it. Well, I failed her, and now she's gone back to believing her perspective, instead of accepting that she truly IS fabulous.

How do you convince someone that they deserve love when they don't believe you? When they don't want to believe you? When they choose not to believe you?

The story begins when she confided something in me that just simply shocked me. I had no idea that she could be so (for lack of a better word:) spiteful, and frankly, it scared me. There were several avenues she could have chosen, and the one she did just shocked me. I was really unprepared for that. So I, in shock, reacted poorly. Very poorly, in fact. In truth, I'm not proud of my behaviour at all. I distanced myself from her, when perhaps I should have been drawing her more tightly. Had I understood and recognized her behaviour as a lash out in the name of being wanted and desired, I would have approached it completely differently. I would have drawn her as tightly as I could in the cyber realm to myself, and would not have let go. I would have made her understand her choice.

You see, my friend doesn't believe she deserves anything. Not love, not friendship, not anything. She believes she's low. Which is ironic, in a way, because I believe that at the same time she has a negative emotional connection, she has a "positive" physical connection. I put the physical in quotes because it's not really positive. You see, something happened that involved a negative emotional response, and to counter it, she responded physically in a different arena.

Here's where I worry.

How do you tell someone that you don't understand why they choose to hurt themselves when they don't have to? So she's ended our friendship, which I don't accept, because I think it's easier to walk away from someone who loves you when you're hurt, than to face the music and battle it out. I'm also fighting for this because she's one of the true friends I had who called me on my fears even though the situation was a little bit different (my fears came before my current bf & I were together, hers seemed to stem after and during her relationship).

How do you tell someone who chooses to be alone that they don't have to be? I'm still here for her, I never stopped being there for her, even though she seems (attempting not to speak for her) to think it is I that ended the friendship. I didn't. I reacted poorly, and I've since apologized for it and asked forgiveness, but neither seem to come. My main mistake was projecting my relationship with my mother onto her at the very moment she told me her news. My mother and I have a rocky relationship when it comes to debates and argueing. They leave me in tears, my nerves are shot in the end and I can't function properly for a day or two. So I've learned to bite my tounge sometimes, to avoid the two-day recovery period altogether. My friend, however, is not my mother. My friend craved the brutal honesty. Had I not been in shock, I'd have been able to tell my friend bluntly, that it was her choice to act out. That my job is not to judge her, but to help her through her issues as best as I can. But this issue (at the time) seemed beyond my skills. She accused me of believing certain derogatory things about her which were and still are simply untrue. How could I tell her that these words were not coming from my conscious OR sub-conscious mind, but that if she felt their heat that perhaps she should listen to her own conscience? How does one realize that sometimes judgements aren't external, but internal, and if you perceive yourself a certain way, maybe you should step back to see where the self-perception stems from? What place in the arguement would she have heard the love in that statement?

Anyways, this projection of my mother led me to withhold my tongue for fear of an arguement which would result in the end of our friendship, which in fact, *backfired* miserably and led to the many tears and two-day nerve shutdown and apparent one-sided dissolving of our friendship anyway. Self fulfilling prophecy indeed.

In the end, the one judgement, I suppose, that I did make is that my friend victimizes herself. In many situations, it was justified, but as with my mother (who also does the same thing, and myself, who was learning to do it until I had someone snap me out of it) the habit had developed into a trait of sorts. There was a person who loved her, and when he made a mistake, the primary response was "how could he do this to me?" When he made a choice, the response was along the lines of, "how dare he reject me?" These primary choices to choose pain even came to me, "how could you think that about me?" When in fact, I hadn't thought anything one way or the other, I was merely shocked by the action itself, and hadn't had the time to fully digest it, or it's meaning. Like I already said, my reaction was poor and regrettable, but it was a choice nonetheless and I have to own it.

As far as choices go, "choice" itself is a strong word. When a person starts using it, he or she begins to take ownership of their actions. When a person takes ownership of their actions, they begin to sort out the behaviours they like and don't like, and can better change towards the person they may like to be. The things I type aren't just bs; I've had to do them myself. I had to go from "I don't deserve better" to "I dated down because I knew that the men would appreciate me, and I had a strong need to be loved- or what I thought was love." Since accepting the choices I've made in my life, much of the drama I used to swim in has been cut out, and I'm in a reasonably functional relationship which earned the label of "power couple." This label did not come without a fight, though. Both of us fought hard for this relationship; both with each other, and within our own selves. I've had to fight off my cut and run instincts, and he had to battle his own demons. Yet, we persevered, stronger for it. I wish my friend could experience this as well.

I'm just sad that an otherwise wonderful relationship dies because of this. She seems to think I think ill of her, but my attitude towards her hasn't changed at all.

How do you convince the person who is convinced you hate, despise, or are embarrassed of them that they're wrong and you don't at all?

I've been saying a healing prayer for her since the incident. I'm scared that she may choose to push myself and others away in order to give herself an excuse to lash out and place herself in more situations that allow her self prophecy to manifest itself and feed her cycle. I love her to death, and it freaks me out. But baby steps. Maybe I'm way off base about her. Maybe she's not going to self-destruct. Maybe she's going to find her inner Queen and accept nothing less than honor and decency. Maybe she's going to find a man who loves her, thinks the world of her, and wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Maybe she'll be strong enough to face her demons and share them with him so that they can work on them together. Maybe they'll be the next power couple.

Here's to them.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

When your successes are your failures, or, how I do not take my own advice.

I write this post because it needs to be written. It's most likely good advice... Maybe not even advice... but commentary with a spin... I don't precicely know which category it fits but the point is that I will not be following this advice.

When Your Successes Are Your Failures

I was at my cousin's graduation party this past Saturday, when one of the attendees looked at me with a gaze that mixed confusion and concern and commented, "[the cousin] is younger than [me] isn't she?"
I immediately saw through her belittling tactic and chose, actively chose, not to show this person that her words, though yet unspoken, had managed to touch a sensitive nerve within me.

"Yes, yes she is."

And yet, this obviously clear message was brushed aside in pursuit of her goal: to say the following sentence:

"But you haven't graduated yet, right?"

"That's right, I haven't."

And then, to really drive her bewildered point home, she trumped my response with the ever-clear, I-won't-say-what-I-want-to-so-I'll-sum-it-up-with-this-gem-as-I-shift-and-relax-back-into-my-chair-and-it-would-be-awesome-if-I-had-some-glasses-to-nibble-to-really-add-effect:

"Humph." That sly, under the breath "huh" that's not the least bit a question.

And I was fine until she mentioned the "huh." The "huh" that wasn't a "huh" at all but really a "and yet she's done and you're not. Fascinating. You know, I thought you'd be done long ago. What's taking you so long?"

And I stare her down and say, "she's went full time, I've been going part time."

And there it was. My moment of weakness. My moment where I cracked and brought up an excuse to cover the pain and make everything okay.

No. Everything was okay before she said that. Everything was okay when I've been working my ass off to support my family so that I don't exactly have the luxury to quit my job and go full time and pray someone hires me immediately upon graduation because the time I'd spend looking for a job would just be more time my family goes without food. All while putting MYSELF through school, *AND* managing to foster my theatrical career as the appointed Artistic Director of the InterFaith Conference of Metropolitain Washington's Children's Theatre.

What I wanted to say was "nope, actually I dropped out of college, and decided that it was a waste of my time since I was already making so much money without it."
To which, her jaw would drop, and she'd turn to my mother and say, "truly?"
and I'd say, "Not at all, but wouldn't it make you feel better if it was?"

And meanwhile, I see my mom, whose only goal in life is not to see me marry, but to see me graduate. She's shrinking in the corner of my eye, and no one else can see it, but I can. The slightest release in the shoulder, the merest clench of a temple, the fraction of the eye being lowered to the ground. She's embarrassed. For everyone. For herself, because this lasy clearly thinks her daughter is a loser. For me, for being one. For the lady, for having to go through the questions in the first place.

She changes the subject to help us all avoid the shameful white camel in the room. How I took her on a trip. Shock ensues. Yes, this pitiful creature who carries a white camel (bactrian, for those who were wondering... I like two humps and I cannot lie) managed to take her mom out.

Sigh. The worst part was when mom didn't even comment on her conversation on the way home.

Complete defeat. Her daughter is a loser. Plain and simple. She had to "save me" from conversation.

Even though I've been through and have accomplished alot, ALOT, mind you, because I'm still in the race for this papel which is the key to all the puertas in the world, all my accomplishments, All of them...

mean absolutely nothing.



Tuesday, March 27, 2007

a lot has happened

my boyfriend was moving away, and i'd gotten prepared for that, then i realized that I didnt want to be in a long distance relationship, and now he's not going and i feel horrible.

someone said something once that is so true I have no idea how not to make it true... they said that i sabotage relationships.

and then I was talking to Ritah today and she said that I have to make sure that the fact that he stayed doesn't break us up, and she's right about that, cause he hasn't looked me in the eye and said this decision is what he wants, so I can't help thinking it's not really his decision... that he feels like "the people closest to me dont want me to go for whatever reason, and i dont feel like fighting them so whatever." I just feel so responsible. And my instinct is to push him away so that he'll have to go, but I have to fight that because the last thing I ever want to hear is "I did this for you."


And THEN it turns out that Ritah's boyfriend, London, happens to BE in Australia at this very moment, and then I just feel super awful. I *know* that I need to trust *my* boyfriend, to tell me when something isn't okay... but... the fact is, I don't. I don't think he'd come to me with any issues because he might see me as the primary naysayer. I just feel horrible. And I can't shake it. I feel like the one thing he wanted to do was go to Australia. I mean, he can still go to Australia. There's nothing stopping him from that. But he wanted to go to Business school in Australia. I dunno. I just feel so responsible. Like... He and I talked about it... not really. He listened to what I said other people had to say about his going, then when I got home, I prayed about that and about some stuff at work, and then the next day, he said he wasn't going anymore. Which freaked me out even further because his mother's last words to me were "whatever God wills. it's in God's hands." Then I happen to pray about it that night, and then the next day he's not going. Mom says the prayer did it. Thanks for adding one more layer to why I feel responsible.

And then there's the question of freedom. Everyone needs freedom in a relationship. Do I give enough? Considering I hardly see him, I think so, but you never know one's perception.

I do know that I screw up relationships on purpose. I do know that for a while, I was letting him love me and now I think I've shut that off and I don't know why. I'm scared. I guess. I'm scared... scared he's going to look at me one day and say "this isn't what I want at all. Goodbye."

I guess that's part of life... because the men I love always end up leaving in some shape or form anyway. I dunno.

Maybe this is what it is to be depressed. I dont want to do anything or go anywhere, the very things that used to make me happy... like writing, feel like such a burden to me. Like everything just takes too much effort. There was a time when I felt atop of my game... I had my poetry site, people were writing, I was writing... I was getting stuff together for my theater, getting clips of ideas, buying stuff for sets... Now... It's been months since I've even looked at the site, days since I've thought of it, I feel like I'm in a rut.

Only thing is, odd thing is, it feels like it's part of my destiny or something. cause even though i didnt answer any of the questions that were put to me, they still emailed me like I've got the job.

Life takes initiative, but it's the initiative that scares me.

I need a push back to who I was, and I'm scared.

I think I dont deserve love. I've screwed up so many lives. What gives me the right to be happy? One day, he'll turn to me and say "you're not worth this much pain." and he'll go. I'm scared of holding on so tightly he'll suffocate and leave... I'm scared of giving so much freedom he'll either take advantage of it or think I don't care... I'm scared I don't know the balance yet, and I'll screw up either way.

I'm just scared and no one is telling me that everything is going to be okay.

Doesn't that mean that it's not?

yours truly,

Head Basketcase.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Dear Gerard Butler

Dear Gerard Butler,
I have always loved your work. And your eyes, and your accent. The stills from 300 have me enjoying your physique, although as I stated before I was a fan of your acting long before I'd ever seen you take a shirt off. Have your people find me. I live in Maryland.

Most sincerely, and with no lusty intentions whatsoever,


ps. I actually truly just want to talk about acting over coffee. Well, I'm a tea drinker m'self, but you can have coffee if you want.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

growing pains

Had a growing pain just a few minutes ago. Can't even call it an arguement cause we "argue" and "disagree" and "misunderstand" so civilly.

It's weird. I cann it a growing pain, because it's not an arguement. It's us, learning about each other, figuring out what things mean, learning a new way of talking, and growing.


Cheers to my man. The man who won't let me lose my cool. Who forces me to talk it out right there and then, to (ironically) communicate.

That's my man.

I love him.


Tuesday, January 09, 2007

maternal advice

my father gave me two points of advice once:
1. never root against your husband's team
2. lower your expectations or you'll end up old, bitter, and alone.

My mother, recently, added her bits.
"I hope you don't have any kids. This world is messed up enough, and the Wallace line needs to stop."

Well, so that basically reinforced the notion that I'll be alone. Maybe that's why I suck at relationships. Cause I'm destined to be alone.

Maybe I should just stick to the game plan B of graduating & travelling.
I dunno.
I feel like I very much want a reason to grow roots and stay.

I'm about to go to therapy, maybe to see just what I'm running from.
I've woken up every day this week with the resolve to call my insurance company & find out what I've got covered... and still haven't done it.


Maybe my answer is not to listen to the advice of divorcees.


reflections on a waistline

I've determined that the only time I lose weight is when I'm sick. While I've cracked many a joke regarding patenting my "flu diet," last night I realized just how true that "joke" is.

I've lost ten pounds.

Thing is, I'll gain it all right back, and then some...

But the realization that I'd lost so much made me reflect on my eating habits. I've had people note that I don't eat much, or that I don't eat at all, or that I forget to eat, etc. This, I contrast with I eat tons. I feel I'm always eating. So who is right? I can't judge myself, cause I could merely be in denial, but I don't think I'm as extreme as others would have me believe. So I've reconciled my mind with:

I don't eat often, but when I do, I eat alot.

This perhaps to keep me until the next time I might chance to eat something.

Who knows? I'm kinda scared that I've lost ten pounds, considering that the fast is only a few days away, since that's the time of year I usually reserve for weight loss. I don't really want to die... Besides, that's when I go from two meals a day to only one.

Maybe this is just "weaning." That's it. I'm weaning myself off of food.

Wasting away,

Saturday, January 06, 2007

I will not be the girl

"I will not be the girl/who gets asked how it feels/to be trodding along/at the genius' heels.../I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by"
-The Last 5 Years

So I sit, at home, bloated. And all I want is for my man to sit and have sympathy bloat with me and tell me how pretty I am even though I have a stomach virus and how I'm the prettiest girl with a stomach virus there is.

But I can't have that. Well, I won't even argue the point of "did you ask? maybe you'd have had it if you asked." No. Tonight coincides with a to-do for another birthday, and he'd asked me three times to go with him to that, so I know it means alot to him... And I remember I'd hinted at doing something for him myself this weekend, in honor of his birthday last Thursday, and I think he was game for my plans, but this stupid stomach flu burst that (among many) bubble(s), and now he's going out. Which is fine, mind you. I just wish I was going too. Instead of being home, alone, with nothing and no one to take my mind off of my digestive tract issues.

He offered to stop by, though, and I declined... because I knew if I saw him I'd try to make him stay because I really want to be with him atm.


I held back. He's in his prime, he should be out. I should be with him.

How depressing is that, though? Give up fun & stay with your bloated girl & make her feel better. I'm not that selfish.

I try not to be that selfish.

I think I'm that selfish.

But I wouldn't dare ask it in a million years. So I guess I'm not that selfish.

But then guests came in, and it was really sweet of them to come in & bring the fun to me since I couldnt go have fun with them.

b, off to find a good throne.

Friday, January 05, 2007

when anxieties attack

This sounds mean, but I'm used to being the good looking one in the relationship. Except for Brent, but he loved me so much for proving people wrong that he doesn't count.

Now I'm involved with a good looking man, and I dunno... I feel... is threatened the word?

Who knows. Maybe that's why I'm being so crazy. I don't want to lose the good thing I've got. There's a lot to be scared of, scared I'm gonna worry about fracking up so much that I actually will... scared of...

And I discussed this with a friend last night:

Scared of being happy. I managed my other relationships cause they didn't make me happy... it was my twisted penance for ruining the best man in my life up until then.

Now, I've got someone who is actually better suited for me. He isn't trying to rescue me; he's trying to support me. And that's something I've never ever had.

I don't know what to do with it, and some nights it tears me up inside. I feel like... I dunno... like all I have to do is let go, and take a risk, and let him in... and I just get stopped short.

I haven't let anyone in since... Since. And here's someone I could totally let go and let in, and I can't. I've been spending so much time living inside my fort that I forgot where the lever to let down the drawbridge is...

I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. I do know that I *have* to let it go. The reason why I'm hanging on to the memory I think (there's tons, so don't go "na-ah, you said the reason was X") I think is because marriage wasn't the answer. Marriage was the "solution" to the problem. We loved each other, and my life (family wise) was an absolute mess, so the way to fix it was to get hitched, move out, move in together, and start a new life.


But reality hit me before the dream died and maybe that's why I'm still holding on to that little hope of being rescued. But then there's the "what if" factor... What if he's out there waiting for me to make the first move?

Then I think, "Fuck that. YOU should make the first move. I've been making the first move for both of us for so freaking long. YOU man up."

Which returns me to the fact that we're NOT meant to be together after all, cause if you want something, you go get it, and you fight for it, and you make it work, and no one's fighting.

Except me.

For another man.

So that's when I realize that I'll be okay. My love isn't misplaced. It's just different. And that's okay. And I've got someone who wants to help me find the lever to my drawbridge, even if he's stuck on the outside.

And that's powerful. I've got someone who, despite me being confused because I don't have all the facts, still loves me. And I try very hard not to try his patience, but the fact remains that this is still new, and we're still growing, and most frusteratingly:

He's more popular than I am, and good looking, and amazing, and sweet and sincere and of course women are going to want to be around him, and I should let that go, and learn to deal with the fact that no one wants to be around a girl who's bloated, cabin fevered up to the hilt whose digestive system is more comparable to a goose than a Human being.


I'd be so lost without him, and THAT scares me more.

How did I ever become so dependent on someone? I gotta love me more.


Thursday, January 04, 2007

slides go down

I think I'm slipping into depression.
Is it possible to think you are? I thought depressed people never actually believed they were depressed. I think... I think I am and that I have a long road ahead of me.

Something's wrong and I can't place it.

So it must be me, right?


catching up

I know I've been gone a while...
alot happened. One thing was a really scary experience and I still haven't felt it yet. I think I can't feel it until I feel like I'm in a safe place to break down. My mom was with me, and I have to be strong for her sake so much, because she's got this habit of freaking out in scary situations, and we were in one together, but i still haven't dealt with it.

prolly wont. i just want to.

i just prolly won't.

I'll just roll it into the list of all the other things I have to worry about LATER.


I refuse to compete

So the more I sit on this, the more it bothers me.

My bf calls me to tell me he's swinging by & picking up a birthday cake. That someone else baked him. I'm so fired up that you can't even see it... What's another woman doing working my job?

But I'm too ill to leave the house, and too ill to see him on his birthday, so the idea of the dinner I'd planned here since I'd been here all day with nothing else to do seemed out, plus when I spoke to him, he didn't make any mention of wanting to swing by & see me on his day (which didn't bother me in the least, ironically... because of the whole "i'm sick" point).

But the more I sit on someone else making him cake, the angrier I get. So, I scrapped mine.

I refuse to act in competition for roles I should have by default.

Sorry, I just needed to let that out before it exploded and I didn't have anywhere else to go with it.

Just to clarify... This isn't jealousy, it's pain. Pain that he needs someone else to do my job. I don't get jealous, I get hurt.


okay I'm over it. I should be glad that he got a cake at all, right? Since he's always talking about how people always forget his birthday? I'm going to choose to be happy that someone was there to step in for him. And IGNORE that that person wasn't me.

Rocks Crumble

The shit part about being "the strong one" is that you're not necessarily strong because you actually are; you're strong because other people need you to be.

What happens when the rock that has been holding back the waves disappears?

The villagers have to fight the waves themselves.

Everyone wonders where the waves came from, some people remember the rock but

no one

asks how the rock feels, having been crashed against, worn down, and finally toppled.

But all that's left is rubble anyway. Not that you can see it; the sea claimed its property.