There's an episode of Dr. Who featuring the tenth doctor and Martha, where they go to New Earth and New New York, after the other two times he went with Rose. There's an infrastructure in place there, and some plot lines about self-sufficient busywork, but the part I want to focus on is the drug patches. There's a bit where the market comes to life but all they sell are states of being. There's an anger patch, a happy patch, a sleep patch, and a "forget" patch. So the Doctor goes on this chase to save Martha and ends up finding the senate, all of whose members are long dead, bodies left in the very positions they died in. So the doctor finds that what happened was they all died from exposure to the new patch, "bliss." They were so blissful they just didnt want to do anything or go anywhere so they ended up dying. Blissfully, no doubt, but they're dead just the same.
Anyways, don't know why I shared that; just thought you should know.
I've taken a look about me at the things I've got going on and realised that they're the very things that aught to make me happy. Only I'm not. There's something missing that's been missing for a very long time and I don't want to put my finger on it. Cause it scares me. It scares me that here I am at the brink of the something that's been missing my whole life and...
What if it's fulfilling? What if it's not? What if it kills me? What if I have to give up everything and everyone I've ever loved to have it? Someone pointed out that they can tell when I want to do something simply by the way I light up when i'm discussing it.
This morning, I woke up happy. So happy, in fact, I came to work in what I slept in, and didn't care to don any undies. I thought, I'm going to do things my way; live my life, experience things I want to. I love travel; I'll travel.
I took a look at the things that I have:
I have a theater company. Sure, it's not my theater company, but I certainly won't make aname for myslf being pissed about that minor fact, will I? I've got to get my name out there and ride this train all the way to the station. Else, how will I have anyone willing to work with me when it DOES come time for me? I can't keep waiting... besides, it's better to fail on someone else's dime, anyways, isn't it?
I'm graduating. This is supposed to make me happy, but it's kind of bittersweet. It's freeing me up for my year of service, which I've always wanted to do, and never been able to do... and I can't keep postponing it. Once I even rationalized, well, I'll pioneer when I retire. What if I don't live that long? How can I come to grips with myself knowing I had an opportunity to do something important and then tabled it? It's not just the experience. It's the Year of Service. Baha'i's are encouraged to participate in a Year of Service and I've not done one. I could call myself a Homefront Pioneer, but I don't want to cause I think it's lame, and an easy way out. I've always wanted to do this... From Tanzania to Japan to South America and now China. The country may keep changing but the intent never has. Now's the time. If I stay, I'll never go, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.
Speaking of regret, I had someone recently encourage me to take on a show. I asked him for advice looking to be talked out of it, and instead he talked me into it, and assured me that we'd get through it. Get through it we did, and there was a point I just resented it all. Looking back, I couldn't be more greatful to him. I'd be sitting here on my own time right now, thinking about the old days of theater instead of thinking, "Well, i handled it. When's the next audition?" He proved to me that I can do more than I let myself decide and settle on. And I absolutely adore him for it.
That's part of the reason this kills me so much. I know I have a man like him in my corner... and to leave just feels like it's a slap in the face... But how can I give up something I've always wanted to do? And it's only for 365 days... I'd be back, with a vengeance, tearing up the DC theater circuit as I've wanted to, working on my children's theater programs and performing at night. Part of the reason I wanted to become a teacher in the first place (aside from weilding the power to influence minds) is the realization that it's the most flexible job ever. You can go anywhere in the world and get a job.
I keep alot bottled up. The whole purpose of getting a blog was so that I'd be able to write. I haven't written a stich since... well.... ever, my poetry site's been hacked and I've completely neglected it cause I didn't think anyone ever really used it. Turns out people do and knowing I'm letting them down just depresses me more instead of making me do something about it.
And all the while, here's this beautiful man in my corner, cheering me on, telling me to get back in the ring and fight it out. And I love him. And I don't want to let him go.
I'm torn, and I'm stuck, and I don't know what to do.