If one more person says "marriage"

Why is everyone in such a rush to get me out of the way?

1. I got proposed to today. It was beautiful, and there was this silence after, as he walked out, where I asked the other witnesses, "was that a proposal?" and everyone in the room said, "yes, I think it was..."

=)

2. On the same day, my boyfriend (I have to keep pointing it out, because I have to keep reminding myself I have one, odd as that sounds) came to work and brought me the most beautiful picture of us, standing in the foreground of a house neither of us can afford atm. We're on the right (when you're looking at it) and my cat and a bird are on the left.

It's beautiful.

I think he's staking out his "territory"... letting people not only know he's in my life, but also that he does, in fact, exist. Like it's a silent way of saying "this one's taken, boys."

Thing is, my coworker decides to blurt out, "just let me design your wedding." Now, you've seen him all of ten minutes, seen us together all of 5, and you wanna blurt that out? Can I go somewhere without hearing the M word, as it pertains directly to me? You have to get to know a person VERY well before you do that. You can't just jump into it; that's prolly why so many people try to jump out of it. Can you live with every nuance, every tick, every anything? For the rest of your life? Can you compromise? Can you compromise yourself, selflessly for the party you love? Do you have the ability to fall out of love, but be so committed to the other person as to stick it out because if you're just patient enough, you'll discover something new in all the 15 years you've been married that you might not have noticed before and fall in love all over again.

Can you do that? Can you want more for them than you want for yourself? Can you agree on how to raise your children? Are you complementary? Are you culturally, socially, and (if necessary) religiously harmonious? Because whatever you think is "fine, we'll work through it when we get there" is going to creep up on you, and it'll get bigger than you thought it would and you're going to get a divorce because he disciplines your children and you think "spare the rod." Now there are children involved and your lawyer (if you have one) is going to be all about making him look like he's an abusive parent and whatnot.

Divorce is not for me. Therefore, let me be sure with who I want to marry. Because I am not getting divorced. Besides, what makes you think I havent heard, "just let me design your wedding" 5 times already? Whoever and I will design our own wedding. We will have accents that are distinctly him, distinctly me, and disctinctly us. YOU will be lucky to have an invitation at all.

3. Thing is, after all this, we had the drawing for the Secret "pal," since in our overtly pc world, "secret santa" may offend. Guess who I got? You got it! The man who proposed earlier that morning! Aaah, life has such a way of sneaking up on me!

4. Later that evening, he came to see a performance and I introduced him as my friend, and not my boyfriend. I actually tried. I really did, but it just won't come out. I think to make my mouth happy, I should just not worry about it, and just say "we're together," if anyone asks. But it's surprisingly difficult to say those words, "I have a boyfriend," "he's my boyfriend," "I'm his girlfriend." It's like, cant we just know what we are? We're together. But afterwards, I realized that maybe he wanted me to introduce him as my bf. I hope he wasn't hurt that I didn't, but I think he understands. The same way that he doesn't need to introduce me as his gf to his friends. I think most of them know about us by now anyway.

Then, he did something beautiful. More on that later, maybe.

I'm definetly growing with him. I may not end up growing old with him, but for right now, for this moment, I'm growing.

And *that* is beautiful.

the certified sadistic Disney loving dominatrix is actually a romantic

Friend: you there?
me: yes
me: =)
me: sup?
Friend: this really cute girl came into staples
me: AWW!
me: good job!
Friend: and she was all talkative and upbeat
Friend: and I was.....pretty quiet.....
Friend: I kept thinking:
Friend: "man, if I had game, I could totally impress her"
me: ...
me: this is where i stay silent and let you continue, right?
Friend: /shrug
me: go on
Friend: I'm leaving the country soon so stuff like this takes a back seat
me: no
me: then you'll get there and be like
me: i'm such the man! they like me
me: oh they only like me cause i'm new
me: man they dont like me at all cause i'm american
me: your insecurities do not stay behind. you take all sorts of baggage with you
me: look
me: for the final time
me: it's not IF you had game
me: you HAVE GAME
me: EVERYONE HAS GAME
me: you just have to find a person who is playing the same game you are
Friend: k
Friend: something else,
Friend: were you online last night?
me: not for the whole night but for much of it
me: one solid chunk from 11-2
me: 11ish
me: 12-2
me: but i left my im up by accident
Friend: yesterday was the worst work day I've had in years
me: aww
me: how come
Friend: messed up a job
Friend: took 4 people the whole day to fix it
me: damn
Friend: manager had a fit
Friend: anyway
Friend: I was rip shit
Friend: all day
me: rip shit?
Friend: = annoyed
Friend: severely
me: awww
Friend: I came home
Friend: and
Friend: you were online (maybe)
Friend: and I looked at your name...
Friend: and just.....couldn't think of anything to say
Friend: so I didn't
me: awwwww
me: maybe it's cause i was in the middle of writing a term paper i haven't finished yet and wouldnt have been table to talk if you did
Friend: this is contradictory to my usual behavior
Friend: maybe
Friend: just wondering what it means
Friend: has my mind been altered
me: =)
me: maybe
me: so what stopped you?
me: tired of complaining to me?
Friend: um....
me: realizing your problems, while unique to you, may not be large to someone else?
Friend: maybe
me: that's growth
Friend: I was pretty sure there wasn't much you could do about them
Friend: I was pretty sure you're sick of hearing me bitch about stuff
Friend: but
Friend: often while all this is rather futile, friends like you have a way of easing them
Friend: if just emotionally
me: aww
me: even me? i thought i was mean
Friend: yes
Friend: you are
Friend: but you have your moments
me: even me?
me: damn
Friend: sometimes I think youre a certified sadistic dominatrix
Friend: others....not so much
Friend: you have a romantic streak
Friend: that you might be trying to suppress
Friend: but secretly, you miss it
Friend: you wish the world was more like Disney
Friend: mais, c'est la vie

upon further reflection

i also used to break up (or make the breakups start) right around the time that I started to fall for the person. I think that's attributed to the underlying guilt I still have from 5 years ago:

I can't move on & be happy until he's moved on & is happy.

Breaking the cycle is hard. I've found a guy, I am happy/could be happy with him, and yet... There's this age-old tug to cut & run... to stay friends because I might screw this up again...

I have to constantly check myself. Not constantly, but I'm recognizing that I have an issue and I'm checking it when it flais up, which is different than before. Before I used to give into it & get all hysterical.

Sometimes.

Now I'm like, look. This is a good thing. Go with it. He's never coming back, and you're wasting time waiting for him. Look at what's in front of you. Love and let yourself be loved. It might turn out even better than before.

Besides. it wasn't real before anyway.

But it was still the best time of my life.

b

Is pride a bitter pill to swallow?

So I did something today. I dont know if it'll make me proud later or not, or if it'll even pay off.
But i did it. I went to someone's myspace page in order to gain access and message someone who used to be a friend of mine to ask them something.

That's not the pride part. Well, it's a small percentage of the greater fraction of the pride part.

Whilst there, before I hit message, I noticed tha this person has one of my exes on their top friends. And an ex of an ex. And though I do admit that I'm egotistical and selfish enough to think that there's a group of people out there whose only common bond is that they think I ruined their life (which could be true for two of the three... the ex of the ex I had nothing to do with), I know that there's got to be something out there beyond and besides me. So I put that thought away and it's replaced with this sadness.

This sadness that I used to be good friends with those two, and for whatever reason I'm not now. One I know, it was my fault... I'm a great girlfriend, but I suck at breakups. My last bf, I was proud of myself, I broke up with him with dignity, "look, maybe we're just better friends, let's just go back to that before this gets bad" and then he convinced me i was wrong just to call me a stripper in public, not learn to apologize and then break up with me. So that one wasn't me. But I think he liked me but loved his best friend which I would have been cool with had he just confessed it. But whatever. Slight tangent in the greater point that I am a good girlfriend. I practically live for the other person, and I give so much of myself that it's almost like a crash & burn. When it burns, it gets ugly. Well, there's this one person on the top friends who is a really good guy. Decent, dry humor, sarcastic... My mom hated him cause she thought he was holier than thou, and in a way he was, but that's what made it so great. cause it cracked me up.

But he's a good guy, we just weren't good. It's weird. i'm at this place now where I dont really have anything bad to say about any of my exes except maybe that guy but it's not really his fault because we all got trapped in the situation... but what I'm saying is, either I wasn't ready for them, or they weren't ready for me. And anyone who dated me post 2001 I apologize to cause I was a mess about certain things that I didn't trust you enough with.

There's also this part of me that just wants my friendship back. Things were so great before the relationship. This makes me feel like I fall into patterns. So I reflect:

I'm scared of new people, and dont trust relationships with strangers so I usually hang out with people I know. Then it develops into something. Let's call that love for now. Then I freak out, or I want out, and I make a mess and make it so the person never wants to talk to me again.

I tried dating someone from scratch once, and it's not for me. Thank God the cast was there to save me from that. What bothers me isn't that we're not together. What bothers me is that if all my exes are people I knew and was good friends with at some point, and I don't talk to my exes, my friend circle just gets smaller and smaller.

Soon, I'll have no more friends because I'll have dated them all.

Then I went through a period of time where I refused to see anyone. This worked because I made good friends, and while one and I will always love each other, I think we've passed the statute of limitations on relationships and our chance expired. He calls it bad timing. I call it the [I just wrote a bunch here and now I've deleted it just in case he's reading this]. Then there's another one whom I consider bad timing, cause by the time one of us rolled around to realizing we loved the other, the other had moved on. And it didnt matter which of us. that got painful and then it was gone.

But now, here I am again. A friend, from HS, like at least 2 others before him and I have gotten close. Pattern. I've given a chunk of me, but have held much of me back. Break of Pattern. We're going out now. Pattern. I don't want to break up, but I can't help but to be reminded of the fact that I have no friends because I've dated & broken up with them all. And they all know each other, cause we all went to HS together. I'm sure there's been the comparison conversation at least once, and that's exactly what I *dont* want to happen.

Aurgh. I feel like such a loser. But the POINT is, I want my friendships back, but I can't have them because _I_ am horrible with breakups.

Maybe I'm just a negative person. Like maybe there's this thing, where if I live on just the surface, and never let anyone close to me, I can be that girl again, with the tons of guys who likes her who doesnt really like anyone back but just needs to have guys around.

But that's not me. I'm not that girl anymore. I just want one.
And it freaks me out.

I want too much. I want my old best friend to realize exactly what he did and apologize for being a total spineless dick. I want my ex boyfriends to go back to being my friend, because that's where we should have stayed in the first place. I want this scared feeling of "am I repeating my mistakes, is this one that should have stayed in the friendship" feeling to go away. It's like hunger... it just creeps up on you, and you can avoid it for a while, but then it growls louder if you dont give it something to silence it.

And then I'm wondering why I do the things I do. React the way I do. About the relationship I'm in, I've never been so silent with my feelings before. Before, I'd cry all over the place and be all "why dont you love me like i love you, damnit? you're supposed to be like this: ____" But that's not love. That's comparison, and -let's face it- "this:____" doesn't exist anymore. He's nostalgia in my head, he's not coming back, and even if he did, we wouldn't work now. You can't compare people, you can only appreciate what you've got and who's giving it to you for what they are at the time. BUT, if you need romance, and they're not romantic, no amout of forgiveness, hints or screams will make them that way. So let go & move on.

I dunno, I just miss my friends is all. Wondering what I've done wrong. Realizing it's "confusing the signals." You don't have to go out with every one you get along with. And if you do, there's got to be a better way of saying goodbye to the situation without having to say goodbye to the person.

But whatever. Life is so much larger than HS, right? Even though you never really leave the environment or the people... the cliques and the stereotypes still exist; they've just gained a few (50) lbs, found or lost hair, and get paid more an hour.

Oh well. Sometimes I can't shake it. The feeling.

Noel says i'm gorgeous and that I've got nothing to worry about. But "God don't like ugly." You could be average, but your attitude is what's gonna sway the judges to gorgeous or ugly.

I dunno. I feel weird. Maybe I'm just lonely. Damn, my dad was right.

b

records & spaces

okay at the new job, i've inherited a mess. have i mentioned that? if i'm repeating myself, i'll edit the post. but for now, i'll vent.

it's a mess.

BIG MESS.

so big i cant get into it all.

but the upside is:

I get my own parking space.

LOOKOUT!

b

I (was) a dancing machine

Whenever I see people dance, it makes me sad.
A wistful sad, like "that used to be/could be/should be me."

I thought about getting back into it.

Maybe next year.

Something's brewing with me. Dunno what it is yet, but it's big.

I'll let you know when I find out.

b

That actually felt good

Telling people what you think about them is great.
b

the devil

credit cards are the devil.
I've had one, then (because I wasn't raised understanding money, the value of it, and wtf credit means) I ended up with debt. Not too much, considering what real people go through, but 200$ was a lot back then when I had a card I'd used twice, forgotten about cause I'd only used it twice & moved & didn't get the statements. 150$ of that was interest. At the time, I made less than 8$/hr & only got it b/c my dad suggested I make small purchases & pay them off rapidly to establish a line of credit. Decent suggestion, but I sucked at it.

Lesson learned. I vowed never to have a credit card again. If I can't afford it, I can't afford it. Plain & simple. MY finances are straight. My family's aren't.

And my family's are my responsibility.

So here we go again.

b

when it's not your fault, it's your responsibility

I'm pretty sure we're all clear on how I moonlight as a workaholic, holding several jobs down to support my family, blah blah blah.

It's not the work that bothers me. It's the "supporting my family" that does. I get how men of old must've felt; busting their asses & getting shit when they got home. Sure, they don't know all that'd gone on in their absence, but neither party sees it that way.

I did something... I had authorization to do it, but apparently the person who gave me the authorization feels she wouldnt have done it had she known a particular part. Well, that part didnt come up in the consultation about wether or not I should do this thing, and she never asked, so I didn't think to bring it up. So we agree for me to go ahead, and I went ahead.

This past saturday, what was left hit the fan. Now I said I'd try to take care of it today, and I rushed & made a 50 min commute in 20 (during rush hour no less) to make sure I got there with time to spare to sort it all out. It didn't get sorted out. It might tomorrow, but here, "tomorrow" is a taboo word that is likely to put you out on the street. And then where were you when I called you 17 times? Whatever executive decision I made, bite me. You weren't there, and when I called you for input, you still weren't there. You're never there.

Thing that I dont get is, you said I could, so I did. So why is this all my fault? Why am I the bad one? Why do you think I deliberately made a move when I refuse to do that very thing without your expressed permission, and without deliberation as to the consequences? We deliberated the consequences, is it my fault you didn't ask? I didn't think to bring it up, else I would have.

Oh, but you see that as deliberate, too.

Why is everything so Goddamn serious?

What happened to laughter and light?

Why are you always the victim?

Sure, this particular situation isn't funny, but when's the last time you laughed? Hell, when's the last time I laughed?

I'm sorry you think I'm ruining your life, or my life, or our life.

Oh well.

I'd move out, but 1. I dont think I could afford it, and 2. Even if I could afford it, I'd still feel obligated to share my money with you and then #1 again.

It's either me or you. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm close.

Very close.

b

completely forgot!

monday, day one: not much to mention, no kids present
tuesday, holiday: holiday, therefore nothing to mention
wednesday, personal day: personal day therefore nothing to mention
thursday, technical day two: two bloody noses, a pencil through a hand and a bumped head
friday, technical day three: one sprained ankle, disintegrated glasses and irate parents.

This wednesday: tater tots
This friday: rib sandwich.

Can't wait.

In other news, it's really cute to see grown men blush when they speak to you. It was really touching. I tried not to go for pity, but whatever. Really pulled at my heartstrings, in a milo & otis kind of way. Awwww.

b

Do not read this entry because I guarantee you will not understand it.

edited to add disclaimer: If you read this, please don't respond to it. There is no place else for me to put this, so I wrote it here. Like the title says, you will not understand it. This is not written for you. This is written for me.

I don't know how to love you anymore.
All I've wanted was for you to love me
and I realize now, that that day will never come.
you will never look at me and say you're proud of me
or that you love me
because you are not capable of saying those words.

Whatever it is you think I'm going through,
I'm going through way more than what I let on.
And I let on alot.
I let on alot because those are the things I *can* talk about.
They're not important. I know that they're not important,
but those are the elements I can control, that I can think about, and hash out out loud until I find a way to bend myself around & make it work.
for once, in my life,
I would like for someone to stop telling me to man up
& that I'm overreacting because everything is going to be okay.
I, for once, would like to stop being patronized for going crazy over
"the little stuff"
I KNOW that there are people in MUCH worse situations than I am.
I pray that those people have a better support system than I found in you.
For ONCE, stop acting like I'm petty and just acknowledge that I'm going through something. I am not other people. Don't judge me that way.

That is all I want. I KNOW that I'll adapt to whatever life throws at me. I've been fucking adapting since I was born, and I'M FUCKING TIRED OF IT.

All I want is for someone to look at me and NOT tell me I'm strong and I'll get through it. To NOT see a pity case. To NOT see a looney girl who doesn't know a good thing or can't appreciate one.

You don't have to save me. Not that you tried. I just need an ear to talk out loud to, to try to focus on one aspect of life and work it out. Your version of a pep talk sucks. Do you read me? I AM TIRED OF BEING THE STRONG ONE.

I just want someone to be able to acknowledge whatever it is I say I'm going through. Because no one yet has noticed that the bullshit I give on the surface has nothing to do with what I'm really scared of. I ramble because I can't put into words the things that actually bother me. I haven't studied the language yet that conjugates the images that my mind races through. I'm trapped in my throbbing head with headaches that don't go away and face people that don't get that I'm in pain, or that I haven't felt my arm in two weeks, and that I'm scared to death, and that I have no idea what is going to happen to me and I'm in a situation I have no control over and I'm terrified that everything is going wrong, and that at the end of every day, I wonder if I've just made the biggest mistake of my life. It's everything and nothing all at once; it's everyone and no one. Only one other time in my LIFE have I felt so helpless. I went through that time alone, and it looks like I've got to go through this alone as well.

But you don't care. So long as I sit there and do what you feel I'm supposed to, and not get on your nerves, or interfere, you're happy. That's not love. Yet you don't share with me what you feel I ought to know, and then we do our dance again, with me tripping up mines I didn't know existed, spending energy figuring out ways to make it up to you and get you to love me again.

I loved you the best I could. I tried, and today you made it clear that I will never and can never make you happy. So, I'll make it easy for you. I will never again mention anything that bothers me, because I'm just going to "be strong" and get over it anyway. No point mentioning it to anyone. I cannot love you anymore, because there isn't room. You hurt me just by looking at me. I was better when I walled myself up. But I made the mistake of opening up to you. Don't worry, my mistake. it won't happen again.

I don't love you anymore. I feel nothing now. It's a dull pain, like the one in my head. Don't worry, I'll still do my duty towards you, whatever that may be. I'll make sure you're okay, thought of, looked after, fed. But there's no love in it.

My love died. The tears that I'm shedding now are the last you'll never see.
I tried to make you happy.
I failed.
But you already predicted that, didn't you.

I'd say it hurts to say goodbye to you, but you can't feel pain when you're dead inside.

I loved you. I really did. But I give up. And in the end, it feels like I'm more like you than I want to admit. And that scares me more. Not that I'll ever tell you about it.

Goodbye.

b

You've been Slammed

When I think of "Slam Poetry," I think of emcees battling, rhythms and rhymes spat out with precision; Meters and metaphors capturing my attention, transporting me to a world or idea or perspective heretofore unrealized.

That said, what was that?

When I'm around good poetry, it inspires me. I wasn't really inspired, except by two people. Which I guess is good, but I mean... I dunno, maybe it was me. the slams I've heard are by these phenomenal folks who twist words and meter in ways I didn't even know you could. They leave me thinking, "there's no way I'll ever do that" and then run home to try before the spirit leaves me.

Or maybe my emotional well is dry. Maybe the part of my soul I'm supposed to tap into to get the words is so parched that my pen writes in the sand of my emotions and my tears wash the thoughts away.

Maybe one day they'll make a drug that allows me to sift my thoughts and focus on one clear thought until it's down and out.

Maybe I'll go back and be blown away.

Maybe.

b

spoken like a true government employee

The following is a snippet of a conversation I had with a friend during business hours several weeks ago:

me: Well, I'll let you go & get back to work.

friend: I'm playing a game on the computer right now.

*Sigh*

Spoken like a true Government Employee.

come back

Tonight was opening night for TCP's The Last Five Years. I won't review the show, because I'm nice. I *will* say that the two look very nice together. The "casting" was... what it was. I will also say that Eva is the ideal musical theater girl. She's tall, she's curvy and she's got good looks and a voice to carry. I'd say she's a director's dream, but this show didn't have a director and that would get in to all the stuff I said I wouldn't talk about, so let's move on to other theatrical stuff...

Everyone who knows me & saw me (as an audience member) rallied to get mne back on the stage. One such person felt it her life's mission to convince me to return. Her only foible was this gem:

"You should do a show with TCP! [person's name] was telling us about how she needs people..."

Oh, really. Maybe she should have thought of that before she < edited >.

Anyways, I'm too bitter to come back. If and when I do return, I'm not coming here. At least, not to perform. I'll direct plays here, but I won't perform, and if I do somehow perform, SHE will NOT be the DIRECTOR. Actually, either way you look at it, she won't be the director, so the statement stands.

I was talking to an old theater friend (who produced this show) and I confessed that I think I'm not a nice person. Somewhere, I lost "nice." How, I'm a washed up, bitter old hag who can't even fake a "good show!" when what I really want to say is "what the fuck was that train wreck?" She shares my sentiments and we've both decided that we're going to Hell. I told her we'd be roomies and I'd keep her place warm for her. Get it? I crack me up. There's this thing that the female character does that REALLY REALLY REALLY annoys me to no end, and I shared it with Producer last Tuesday, and tonight when I saw her, I asked if anyone told her and she said "nope" (which is weird, why would you want that onstage? but if she's not telling... and I'm waaay past trying to help fix a show. Part of me is like "but it's a really simple thing to do that would make the show SO much better!" and the other part is like "leave it alone. it's her show, let her go down with it. that's how she wants it, let it be.") and after the show, Producer took a tray & started calling my name, making the movement. Now to anyone else, it would look like she was just being coy, but I knew better.

I love that woman.

My dad was right. I'm going to end up old, bitter and alone, having alienated everyone I love. Only thing is about alienation, I can't be friends with people these days, cause once they try something more, and you're not with it, then they stop talking to you. It's almost as if (she to) [<- sorry, me-zine reference].

Start over.

It's almost as if I'm destined to be alone. People keep leaving me to myself, most likely because they think I'm too busy & don't want to bother me. I'll say what I said back in HS: Let me make that decision. Let me be the one to say "no thanks, I'm busy, but thanks for letting me know you were thinking of me." DO NOT make that decision for me.

Others leave me alone 'cause they think I'm a bitch. In that case, I am, stay away.

I used to be happy. I used to be ridiculously happy. I used to wake up happy, and look at the clouds and see my future. I used to hug strangers and love the world.

Then life happened.

As far as always being alone, I get that it's a two way street. When you don't call, they stop calling. And I don't want to be a "whatever happened to..." I'm a "so I was out with banafsheh and OMG that girl is crazy. It took us three hours to get her down from the dance cage."

In that vein, I've started calling my friends.

I call this, "maintenance."

So at least two and I have reconnected, the third I have the intention of calling, but haven't yet. Dunno why. Prolly cause he's not single and I dont want to give her the impression I'm moving in on her man. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow and invite him to the dc slam event if they're available. That way she can come & then I'm not a threat. I hope a group comes, it would suck if it were just me and Kenny... we can have fun, but it stalls out without having something else there to perk it up.

So, back to reconnecting, it's crazy. It's crazy what happens when a person moves away. I had this great cleansing conversation that could have broken my heart a teeny bit, when my friend confessed that he had to leave for us to become better friends. it was funny at one point, when he said "it was like I was saying 'Hello! I'm right here! Hello!' and you were like 'That's nice, but anyway.'" But the time wasn't right and I don't think it will ever be. I think he wanted me to admit something that wasn't true, but we cleared that up, and basically left the conversation with the knowledge that we will always be there for each other, as friends. I will always love him as a friend, and I think he gets that. It was such a GOOD conversation, and I havent had one of those in a long time. We talked about THEATER. He picked my brain, vented about his day, told me about his work, and God, for a minute I felt alive again. I felt like I was there, in group classes, like I was in rehearsal, like I was with him in the room as the instructor's reaming one of the classmates. Like I had done the research for the scene, read the play and ripped it apart into beats and motivations with action verbs that carry me through to the next beat. Like I was diving within myself, looking under the rocks my emotions had becme to see what things were festering in the dark I had provided them with, bringing them up and saying "This Is Me."

God, it felt very good.

I almost miss it.

So we promised we're going to make an effort to talk every day. I don't even talk to my mom every day, so we'll see how long that lasts, and I amended it right after we said it, but still. I'm going to try. He's the only person who understands how my brain works. Wow... did I write that? I'm not sure how true that is, but I definetly know I'm living vicariously through him at the moment. I know that last night was the most fun I'd had in a long time. Theatrically, yeah, I guess... he's the only person I can talk to on an actor level who is going to challenge me. Kenny's a tech. Jevan's a tech. Jasmine's a tech/actor, and it's still not the same. He and I speak the same language. I think my excitement is just really nostalgic; it's been years since I've spoken to anyone in the business about the business, about the process of the business. I felt like when I return to the stage, that I'll be one of those people who theater will have passed by, and talking to him, I know I've still got it.

I think I'm ready. Not ready to stand on stage, but ready to watch some shows again. Current theatrical goal: to see The Lion King, Wicked and Avenue Q. The other shows can wait. I can't anymore.

b

my sister, the meter maid

Even though she says stuff that hurts or annoys me, she's still my sister.
Plus, I realized that we're kind of on this funky see-saw, when one of us is low, the other is high. We're constantly pulling each other out of a funk & reminding each other how beautiful we are. Even if she is a little harsher than I:

"You must not know about me. I can have another you by tomorrow."

Damn.
But so true. We're so strong, and so... Gosh darn wonderful!

b

The best thing ever

Thanks to everyone who wished me well today. I passed the test.
Special kudos and points to Kenny for buying me a celebratory dinner, and then for saying it wasn't a celebratory dinner. That was definetly cool.

Otherwise, thanks everyone! Thanks to everyone who wasn't even scared and got pissed at me for being scared. I appreciate the faith you all have in me.

And when that faith manifests itself in meals, well, that's good, too.

b

I keep saying I'm over it but I'm not

I keep saying I'm over it, but I'm not.
I'm over it in the "it doesn't make me angry anymore" way but not in the "I'm so over it doesn't even cross my mind" way.

Why can we not be friends again? It just sucks that I lost a friend over bullshit, because he chose to interpret things personally when he had no business doing that (since the stuff he was interpreting wasn't even ABOUT him), then he made decisions based on the stuff that he fabricated and then got emotional over stuff that had no foundation.

It bothers me that I want to reach out & get my friend back, but I can't for fear of 6 months worth of rage and/or bitterness coming back. Not really fear, I'm not scared of it, I just don't want to deal with the bull aspect of it.

Why did I pick him over you? Because I saw him that way and didn't see you that way.
Why that became an intense emotional battle for months I will never know. Everyone told me to remove the source of the frustration and I didn't follow their advice for two reasons:
1. The situation was sticky enough without me making it worse by saying "oh yeah? well I don't need you as much as you thought I did!" MAYBE it would have taken a bit of the wind out of his sails, but for some reason I can't see it doing any long term good.
2. I (stupidly) believed that it would clear up. Blow over. I kept hoping it was a phase and that ultimately he'd regain his senses. But it just got worse and worse and more and more crippling.

Now, we don't talk at all. Funny thing is, he spent all this energy and then said "well, it's your turn" in a "i've tried very hard to keep this friendship afloat. it's your responsibility to come to me now." That would be fine, if it was true, when I'd spent all the same months asking "why can't we go back to being friends?"

So now, I have no idea where things stand. And that really really saddens me because he was a really good friend up until things got creepy. In fact, he was the one friend I could count on to support me no matter what, who I supported back no matter what.

Why do friendships have to die when love/amor/feelings/romantic intention isn't reciprocated? Why can't I just have my friend back?

Oh, by the way, this one is the FIRST one that actually IS about you.

b

Listen up suckas...

Yeah!
What he said!
That goes for me, too!

b

Scary

Ever have someone like you... where they pop up randomly & have a one sided convo with you and then say dumb stuff like "have a good weekend; don't do anything I would do," which wouldn't be so dumb if it wasn't followed with ten variations of the theme? Or just happen to find them after work in a secluded area, with no one else around, and they've changed clothes and now are in a car and can overtake you very quickly?

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. I'm sure that's it, but... I can't shake this feeling.

Ever have that?

b

The Return of PPM

Wow.
I was at PetSmart today, minding my business, and my cell rang. PPM, who I haven't spoken to in months, decided to call. He must have broken it off with whoever he was seeing. You know? Maybe that's mean of me to write, but I feel like when he's got a dry spell, he messes with me for laughs. Then he had the nerve to say, "why are you acting like you're surprised to hear from me." Maybe because I am. "Why are you acting like I only call when I want something?" Maybe because you do.

I'm tired. Tired of dancing your dance. You had your chance. You blew it. You don't get another one. Happy for you, though. Happy that you bought your house, happy we got caught up, happy I had a small hand in getting you what you wanted at the office. But if you're calling me to see if anything has changed on my end, no. It hasn't. That's why although I thought of you when I drove past your house, I didn't call. That's why you don't come to mind that often, and why people at work have stopped giving me hell about you.

Or was that because you'd found someone else? Now that didn't work and you remember me?

Funny thing about that... I'm not free anymore. I'm through being the backup. Being your headcase to toy with wasn't as much fun as you may think.

I'm much stronger now. If I don't dress up every day, or press my hair, or make sure everything is in it's proper place, it's because the *outside* is not important to me. I'm too busy with other stuff to worry about hemlines and fabrics and this season's fashions. Yes, I pull my hair back, into the same uptight librarian bun as always. It's simple. It's practical, it doesnt get in the way, and it doesn't need styling, which affords me the time for other endeavors.

Sorry if that means to you that I'm not taking the time out to take care of myself. I'm too busy taking care of my future.

And I have come a long way, from what I was before, how I used to be with my looks, Thinking I was ugly and hiding alot from the world. Thing is, I'm hot. I'm so hot, I rock the hell out of the librarian bun. In fact, I'm bringing buns back.

And if you don't get that, then you don't really have a place in my life, do you?

Thanks for taking the time out, friend, to check up on lil ole me.

I'll be just fine. Scratch that. I AM fine, I'll *be* okay.

And if you wanted me, you're going to have to work a hell of alot harder than that to get me. So don't feel like you're doing me any favors by calling me.

This probably comes across a lot meaner than I intended, but I'm not changing any of it. It is what it is. I'm just tired. I don't get people who want to be friends with the intention of banging you. Just be friends. Go out. But we were never friends, were we? We were just two insanely attractive people who couldn't sort out the tension.

Isn't it a relief to know that it's all been sorted out? By hereby removing myself from the equation, we should never need to speak tensely again.

Love,

me

spot on

Your Career Personality: Capable, Friendly, and Energetic

Your Ideal Careers: Actor Advertising Executive Artist Counselor Entrepreneur Musician Politician Psychologist Teacher Television Reporter

The Quick and Dirty Career Test

You've heard of Soho? Noho? Well, this was MePa...

You Belong in Soho

Although you may not be a professional artist, you do dabble in one form of art or another. And you indie culture of all kinds - from little botiques to art house films.

Where Should Your Inner New Yorker Live?

sure, why not.

Your Ideal Relationship is Serious Dating

You're not ready to go walking down the aisle. But you may be ready in a couple of years. You prefer to date one on one, with a commitment. And while chemistry is important, so is compatibility.

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

see? i *am* both

You are 67% Taurus

How Taurus Are You?

You are 80% Gemini

How Gemini Are You?

is it bad that this is true?

You Are 34% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well. In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

DAMN SKIPPY!!!

From what I understand, the theme of 2006 was "Keep the Party Moving"
=)

Your Inner European is Spanish!

Energetic and lively. You bring the party with you!

Who's Your Inner European?

Whatever "fun" means...

You Have A Type A Personality

You are hyper, energetic, and always on the mood You tend to succeed at everything you attempt And if you don't succeed at first, you quickly climb your way to the top! You could be called a workaholic, but you also make time for fun As long as it's high energy and competitive, you're interested You have the perfect personality for business and atheltic success

Do You Have a Type A Personality?

I'm a taker? Damn, I'm sorry...

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

well, whuddya know

You Should Be A Gemini

What's good about you: witty and energetic, you're simply the most fun to be around What's bad about you: you're flighty - losing interest in people and projects quickly In love: you enjoy the "honeymoon phase," but after that it's hard for you to stick around In friendship, you're: likely to have many groups of friends, with many different interests Your ideal job: mime, guru, or cartoonist Your sense of fashion: casual and simple You like to pig out on: fast food, especially burritos

What Sign Should You Be?

wth is the changing the outside part about?

You Go For Brains!

You want a guy with a big... brain. And of course it would be nice if he were a total hottie, but you're not counting on it. What's on the inside is what counts for you. (Besides, you can always change the outside later!)

Do You Go For Brains or Body?

he's a lucky man

The following conversation occurred today at approximately 10:05 am, when a man in a pink floral shirt and really nice shades came to the window for no other purpose than to exchange these words:

"Hi, miss, are you married?"
"Am I what?"
"Married?"
"Am I married? No..."
"Can I take you out to dinner?"
< shocked pause >
"I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that, but-- [thank you]"
"Aww, for real? Well, he is a lucky man."
"Thank you, I'll be sure to tell him that."

Good to know I've still got it.
Too bad I had to lie to the man, but damn if "I don't think my boyfriend would appreciate that" isn't the best line to use to get you out of a sticky situation. But for real, someone would have to be very lucky to catch this! That, or very genuine, honest, caring, supportive and considerate.

And paid, too.
Let's not forget paid.
I mean, money's not everything, don't get me wrong, but love pays no bills.

Just sayin'.

Oh, and would learn to frackin' put the seat down. If I ever have my own place, I'm having a urinal installed in all the bathrooms.

b

my friends are kenyan

Were it not for Ritah and Noel, I would be an absolute, emotional mess.

Thank you to Noel for reminding me that I have worth, and that if the person I love doesn't love me back, there are plenty of people who would step into that empty place in a heartbeat.

I just don't know what I was thinking. But I'll tell you one thing. I've learned my lesson. I learned it real good, too. Always pay attention to what the other party says and doesn't say. And whatever you think is going on, listen to what the man actually SAYS is going on.

Most importantly: If what he says is going on doesn't match how you feel about the situation, do something about it before it's too late and you're too hurt to function. If that means holding yourself back until you feel you have some control over what's going on, do it.

Ultimately: Pay attention & trust your instincts. If your instincts say that he's not being completely honest with you, either about your situation or about his feelings toward you, chances are you're right. Act accordingly.

Because in the end, whatever concerns or complaints you may have felt entitled to make are null & void when you realize the truth:

YOU ARE NOT HIS GIRLFRIEND.

"And yet, I'm so well spoken," or, "Naw, for real?"

Today we discussed integration.
I'd essentially be writing a paper on this were I to go into it, and since I figure I'll have to for class at some point, so I'll spare you from my thoughts now. The main gist of what I'm willing to share is that most people (myself included) have experienced racism or prejudice on some level, and today was "share n tell". So I said my piece we all know, about being mixed & not fitting in, and then being raised persian on top of it so having a separate cultural identity and then being in school during the Gulf War & Iran Contra affair with a bunch of AirForce kids and dealing with that and never really feeling like I fit in anywhere, and then the proportion of white to black kids in my graduating class.

Then someone asked what school I went to.

"I grew up in Oxon Hill."

Now I've been in clubs before where men have taken literal steps back when I mention that I'm from Oxon Hill, and have had them say "nah, ne'mind, she one of them chicks" to my face, I've had people step back and test my knowledge of the area to prove it, I've had people say that it's impossible because I don't act like it (which is a testament to my mother, and quite possibly the highest compliment paid to her that she never had the opportunity to hear).

I have never in all my born days (thus far) received a reaction like tonight. Of the 20 people in the class, 1 stood up, 3 in my immediate surrounding and 2 from the opposite side of the classroom gasped in all melodramatic deliciousness, and a great commotion began. Of the heads that turned, most were of "omg no way" expression, and the remaining two must not be from the area, because they looked like I'm sure I did, "what's all the fuss about?"

What IS all the fuss about when I say I'm from Oxon Hill? Is it because I don't sound like I'm from OH? Or look the part? Where precicely does the injustice lay? Am I undeserving of being from the city, and therefore pay it some disservice? What exactly IS this- this... reaction? Is it because no mixed kids are allowed to be a part of it? Did they run out all the Iranians and are upset they missed one? Wth is all that about?

Not that it matters. In a few years, I'll start adopting "I'm from Ft. Washington," and my childhood will be erased. I'll sound priviledged, and elite, as if mine is the yacht in the marina slip and I've always had a membership to the private pool at the end of the drive bearing my residence, and not the exclusive community pool that all the condo kids used, where spf was unnecessary for what better protection than the concoction of lotion, baby oil, grease and leave in conditioner which filmed the water, and adhered to the skin of all who rose as Venus from its clutch? Gone will be the admittance that I've seen drug exchanges in front of police cars in broad daylight on a school day and witnessed the rapid realism of the phrase "white flight." Forgotten will be the car alarms going off at various intervals from the regular, known addicts or the otherwise needy who forgot which car didn't have a system, or miscounted the spaces. Passing through the smoky haze of a displaced cannibus cloud in order to ascend the steps of a bus will be a thing of the past. Never again will I recall the countenance of the man known by no other name than "Boo," for never was another name called to which he answered, not even by school administrators. Mine is the land of iced teas and lemonades, not kool aid heaven where flavors are colors and 15 year olds learn to call each other and their elders, "son."

I'll never be from Fort Washington.

In other news, it was interesting to hear of the dynamic of the DC area in terms of integration, and how ignorance of the history of the area impacts one's understanding of why certain things work out the way that they do. For example, there are two schools in a particular district, both within 5 miles of Bolling AFB. One was a White school, priviledged and top of the line in it's time. The other was the Black school, neglected & needy. Ultimately, the White school was integrated, and over time the environment, demographic and therefore the dynamic of the communities shifted. It is my understanding (I allow for misinterpretation, please do the same) that both schools could have received some upgrades, but one school received an extensive renovation in favor of the other. As you may have guessed, it was the Black school that received the renovation. It begs the question, how deeply rooted is the pain of the Civil Rights Movement that these decares later, when the community- in certain districts- no longer bears a racial divide, that we still transfer the resentment in the new Century? Why couldn't both schools receive some sort of upgrade? Why the need to "sock it" to the other school? The world may never know. It may not even be a conscious decision, yet, knowing the District, it could very well be.

Speaking of the District, and given that tomorrow is Election Day, I don't think I could live in the District. I've often thought of it, especially with the idea of going to school there, and having the theater there... the notion that I should live amongst the people I aim to serve... but I can't live with the idea that my ideas wouldn't/might not be be represented in Congress. I love my right to vote. I don't love the Taxation Without Representation license plate, and what it means.

So we'll see how I feel about the MFA at Catholic University when I get back from Mexico. Speaking of, the more I think about Mexico, the more I like it. Even if I don't go to Japan, even if I go straight to Tanzania, or choose to forgo the experience entirely in favor of teaching & getting the school board to finance my degree. I think a month in Mexico's a go. I just like the idea more and more.

In completely unrelated news, I'd like to thank all the Persians and East Africans who want to see me happy. Thank you. When I ask you to quit saying what you're saying, it's not because I don't want to hear it, it's because by accepting it, I'm setting myself up for failure. What if your predictions are pipe dreams? In wishing for my happiness, you're not allowing for the other party to have a mind of his own. Please, don't help me disallusion myself. I'm far too good at doing that on my own.

Almost related to that, I had an opportunity to witness what I think people mean when they say someone is acting "a fool" or "silly." A fellow student knows a friend of mine, and during the break, we endeavoured to call him. While we both have the same carrier, my old phone decided not to be available, and so we called him from her phone. She did the thing where you move a way just slightly enough to assert yourself as the main one speaking, and proceeded to toy with him once he answered:
"lets play a game"
"who is this?"
"exactly!"

This went on for a bit, and when I felt it had gone on too long, I told her if she kept it up, he'd hang up, so she may as well say who she was, in an attempt to move the conversation along, partially for his benefit, partially in case he'd recognize my voice and figure it out, and mainly because I was bored and didn't want to use up my break playing a game that only interested one person. So I said it to her twice, and sure enough, mid second repeat, he hung up.

Told you so. THEN, some invisible cloud parted above my phone and I had full bars, so I called him from my phone & recapped. As we went back in, I suppressed my desire to ask, "so is that what you mean when you say women are silly and play games?" But I resisted the temptation lest she heard me. Plus, I heard laughter in the background on his end, and figured he was entertaining so I left him alone as soon as I could. He said I could call him on my way home, but I didn't. Dunno. Just don't like the idea of interrupting people.



So what have we learned? We learned that I've experienced prejudice, being from Oxon Hill causes a stir, DC's funny about integration half a century later, voting is tomorrow, I can't imagine not being able to vote, I really like the program in Mexico, I'm debating wether or not to go to another country, women are silly, and I don't interrupt (or try not to) company.

b

shutting the world out

People have good intentions.
You just have to filter out the people who get your hopes up.
They have good intentions, and they just want you to be happy, but they just end up feeding your head with images that don't belong.

Beware.

quickie catch up

okay.
today = day one of 3 month hell.
yesterday = great.
this weekend = not as great as I was planning.

communication = interesting with someone it used to be weird with. now that it's just business, it's cool. i hope it can stay that way. I'd like to be friends with him again, I wonder if it's possible. Not for a few months, but it would be nice to be friends with him again.

I hate Persians. Especially two in particular. I have to play a game now? That's bullshit. Just keep your nose in your own shit. So what? If he doesn't marry me now I'm really used goods?

WTF?

USED GOODS?! I try really hard not to hate people, and it's not really hate for you, it's more like contempt mixed with spite.

I also have been advised not to speak to one friend alone because of this mysterious game i'm supposed to know how to play.

Men like me with long hair. I like me with short hair. One girl at work is totally confused now as to wether or not I'm a lesbian, and it cracks me up.

Trying to catch you up...

Love is weird. There's a friend, and you know, and so now I'm like in this awkward place because I dont want it to be awkward, so I'm making it awkward by trying to not have it be awkward. But it doesn't matter, because I will not see anyone until November, for the Thanksgiving Conference, and December when the 3 month contract on my soul ends. But then I'll have a 6 month sentence placed again...

Trying not to freak out.

Then the LSA asked me to emcee the Birth of Baha'u'llah banquet.
...

Trying not to freak out.

I'm very good at running away. Have I mentioned that? Then I freaking met a man who makes me want to stay.

Damnit all.

Where does the LSA get the idea I'd be a good emcee? I have no idea what they're expecting of me, either. Oh well. i still have to talk to them about it. But the fing is, it's not even on His birthday. Grrrrr...

And I'm addicted to this site now: http://grouphug.us

that's as caught up as I can make it in 5 minutes. Oh, my schedule's jacked up for the next three months. have I reiterated that enough?

b

what is love? baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more

Is love figuring out that we both have the same number of letters in out first and last names? Is that how you love me? Is that what you meant when you said I'm always there?

b

TWIMC

Dear Person from Ohio with the tag reading "JUDAH:"

Please stop parking in front of my house.
It's weirding me out.

Thank you,

b

last night

WTH was I thinking?
There is no understanding!
That can never, ever happen again.
b

Balance and the BEST THING EVER

Balance:
i got psycho email today.
it was balanced by one of the state's attorneys deciding that I was Jada to her intern's Will and decided to tell the *entire* division that we were getting married.

Hilarity ensued.
Not really, but it was bizarre enough to cover for the freakiness I dealt with earlier in the day.

THE BEST THING EVER:
Besu came to visit me at HHRC! That was TOTALLY unexpected, and it made me feel so good... and loved... and I love him right on back. He also told me about a new prospect for him... not really in the relationship department, but he met someone who the mere thought of made his face completely change... his jaw softened and his eyes glazed over. And I thought, "he's totally gone." I'm happy for him! I like seeing his face like that; happy. If not happy... there's another word for it... not amused... when I think of the word, I'll bring it back up. But it's there. And I haven't seen him in forever, (and I won't see him or anyone else *for* forever starting September 05 - Dec 20ish... and yes, I know that "forever" is three months long) and it was SOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD to see him again.

And it hit me that the people that have the most power over my emotions are men. 1: My father, whose power is diminishing and has nearly extinguished... though it remains to be tested, not that I'm running out to buy lithmus paper... 2: Besu, who made my day just by walking into the room 3: We all know who this is. I have no idea why the mere mention of their name drives my stomach into knots, but it does. The end. 4: any crazy person at the moment, who puts me in a situation I feel powerless to react to.

I love my boss, cause he helped me respond to an email situation regarding the #4 earlier in the day, and let me know that I'm not powerless. So I reclaimed a little bit of my composure, and didn't freak out nearly as much as I could have. He also let me know he'd have my back in a heartbeat if the person continued it. Now, to the person's credit, when I shot them down, they backed off. I'm sure I'll never hear about it again. Doubt he'll ask me out again. Thus, there's no issue. The problem I have is when I tell people no and it's not good enough for them. But whatever.

So I'm learning not to let people have power over me.

Going back to Besu, I really, really missed him. What's the saying? Don't know a good thing till it's gone? Well, Bus is good people. PERIOD. And when he's not around, I miss his presence, and his cracked sense of humor. And when I told him I'm glad he came back, he said "I never left," which just about killed me. And I never miss people. If nothing else, I hope we stay in each other's lives for a long, long time. I think that's the thing with him, I know he loves me, and I think he knows I love him right on back, so when we're apart for long, it's cool. And don't get any ideas, people. Good love. God love.

Reflecting on how many men I have in my life... and how all my friends are basically men, you'll be glad to note that I now have a collective of women I associate on a daily basis with. Sure, they're co-workers, but it's a start, and seeing as how there are only four men in the entire Division, I haven't much choice. But we all get along, and that's the important thing. I miss my twin. She called me today & I told her all about the will/jada/20 year old kid thing and she golf clapped that I didn't freeze up.

Working at the counter has changed me. Normally, I'd be like "what?" when faced with this gem from today:
"I think I know you from somewhere"
And I'd try to help the guy figure out where it was that he knew me from. Only I didn't recognize him, so I said "I don't think so... you know me from somewhere?" and he said "yeah, I must have gave you my number and you never called me back."

THIS is his fatal mistake. That pickup line might work at the club, but you picked the wrong peach cobbler baklava today, my friend.

"Now I know it wasn't me. There's no way, sorry."
"Oh yeah," he says, smug, "and how is that?"
and I look him dead in the eye and say, "because I never go out."

BAM. AND WHAT, BAMA??
SAY WHAT AGAIN.

=D

So, to recap, since I know this was all over the board:
1. I missed my best friend, and I'm greatful to the Gods that I saw him today.
2. Speaking of "Gods," today for lunch we were supposed to have Chipotle, and they took our orders at 11:20am, my lunch starts at 11:30 am, and they didn't show up until I prayed, "Dear Hindu God: Please forgive me for killing the cow I am about to eat in my burrito. Dear Mother Earth: Please forgive me for wrenching the lettuce I am about to eat on my burrito. Please let the burrito come. Please." And no sooner than girl co-worker 1 -who needs a name here besides something that sounds like a rolling credit- looked at me like I was crazy, than the girls walked up with our food. WHY I waited until 1:30 to pray I'll never know. Never again.
3. Girls are great to have as friends. They talk about shoes & jewelry, and try to set you up with boys who think you are cute.
4. Don't assume that everyone's a psycho just because they do all the other things psychos do. That's called projection. Give them a chance to prove their psycho all on their own.
5. I love my men.
6. When a 40-something State's Attorney decides to put you out there, it's because she likes you. Go with it. Just don't speak. In the end, she'll look crazy and you'll look fine. Even though you were speaking complex sentences when he had no bowel control. Go with it.
7. My men love me right back.
8. When I look nice, people ask me what happened. WTF? Is that a hint? Do I always look like shit? I wore a skirt one day, and Boyd told me that I'd get married if I wore skirts more often. "We like how you look in that. Wear skirts more." WTF. I told him "so I have to get a guy by wearing skirts and THEN get him to appreciate my brain?" "yes." WTF. No. Appreciate the brain. Screw the skirt. Well... later. What?
9. Don't freeze up when ignorant ass bamas try you. Look 'em dead in the eyes to let them know you're on to their lame game. Step it up, bamas.
10. Love yourself. The weirdest stuff happens when you do.

And yes, 2 & 8 weren't originally in the body of the post in any direct or indirect context and therefore not technically legal under the caption "recap" but that's where I stuck them, so get over it. And don't try to correct me with #4's useage of "their psycho" instead of "they're psycho." Here, "psycho" is being used in place of "psychosis," which makes "they're psychosis" incorrect.

And, for a complete non-sequitor (-er? oh well, whatever):
Yes, I am a border Nazi.

when english class fails

From nbc4.com:
"Body Recovered From Lake In Germantown
A body has been recovered from a lake in Germantown after someone drove a car into it."

Did someone drive the car into the body, or the lake? We assume that someone drove the car into the lake, and that the body that was recovered is that of the person who drove the car into the lake, but we're not supposed to assume. The sentence should be clear and not vague and ambiguous.

Seriously. When you're the news, you NEED to be grammatically correct.

Set the example. People use you to learn english. Teach them properly.

That is all.

b

and i realized I want that someday

I just saw Idina Menzel's '04 Tony acceptance speech, and I realized that that's what I want in my life. Look at her husband's reaction. That's exactly what I want.

b

The inner art of Self

I feel good.
Last night, in addition to talking to MSI and getting the whole PA ball rolling, which is really great... I got the phone call. The "save us, we need you" phone call.

It's nice to get that call.
And I'd actually do it, if my schedule allowed.

Which it doesn't.

But I've let go enough where I would do something with them if it did.
Which it doesn't.

So I won't. But it was nice to get the call anyways. And I agreed to meet with them face to face. Who knows, I might get a contact out of the non-deal.


Marc and MSI have been my saviours these past few days. Marc especially, because he keeps acting so shocked when I hit high notes, or sing the part to the Diva in the 5th element, and he keeps telling me I'm going to be on his record... and...

Tonight I'm sitting here, and it hits me. I need to get back to the things I've always wanted to do. They're who I am. I am my craft, and my craft is me.

Damnit, I've missed my craft. And I've never felt so proactive before, in terms of being settled. I don't have to be bitter... I looked at so much which is passing me by while I'm stuck in this depression and it's not getting anyone anywhere.

I love my life. Now. Not when I graduate, NOW. I've accomplished a ton, and I've been able to do it with minimum breakdowns. I'm happy NOW. Not because some guy likes me or doesn't like me, or because I measure up against some imaginary intangible standard that only changes depending on which cultural standards I'm adhering to at the moment.

I'm a good girl. And I'm working on the balance.

And it feels good.

Day 6 of the new attitude... had a minor setback where I felt myself going back to the pits of insecurity, but I pulled myself out of it by calling a friend for distraction. Ultimate goal: to be able to pull MYSELF out.

Day 06 of the new attitude: I'm still good.

it's time to accept it.

I'm either lactose intolerant, or I'm allergic to anything with "lean" in the title.

Every time I eat a leanpocket, I get sick.

b

Free Your Mind (and the rest will follow)

I spent the weekend in the Maryland mountains.
Learned alot. Mainly about myself. Had a stern speaking to by my brother which damn near turned my life around.

As a result, I'm free of alot of things.
Today.
I'm taking his words a day at a time, trying to relive his conversation, trying to keep it fresh so I never forget the feeling when the bomb dropped and the chip lifted
from my shoulders and

I let go.

I let go of all the father drama I've carried for years. I still mourn some stuff, but for the most part these tears are for the time I've lost hating a man that really didn't know any better.

I let go of feeling entitled to respect. Screw that. If you promise to do something with me, and you don't come through, and I put aside time for you, lesson learned for me and I'll just have a backup next time. I'm not worried about you.

I let go of my fear of emotions and men. So long as I'm right with Baha'u'llah, everything's going to work out the way it's supposed to. I live my life. Best way that I know how. You either fit in, or you don't. Put your Faith in God. God will not let you down. Worrying about man will get you nowhere.

This is very freeing.

Mainly the dad stuff. He and I came a LONG way this weekend.
=)

I felt like... I owe it to the folks without the opportunity to make the most of mine. And he really doesn't know any better. He is what he is, he's not gonna change, and it is what it is as a result. No amount of wishing it was different is going to make it so.

And he really does try, I was just so wrapped up in bitterness and hate that I couldn't recognize what he was trying to do. In addition to the fact that his methods make no sense, but whatever. He told me some stuff that shocked the crap out of me. We made our peace. At least, I made mine.

Funny thing is, I was at a conference. I guess I needed to go there in order to have everything else happen. In an everything-in-the-universe-is-related-and-there-are-no-coincidences way, I guess that's why none of my friends (and potential friends) came. While they each had personal reasons, I think they missed it so that I'd be forced to have that time with my dad and not pull my friends as an excuse to be busy.

Maybe that's why the universe & I chose this time for me to be alone. So I can work more on myself before I try to bring someone else into my mess.

I'm housecleaning.

Man, prayer's something. Lemme tell you that.
Prayer is definetly something.

b

insecure isolation

My priorities are all out of whack.

I think every artist goes through a period of time where they're insecure about their craft, themselves in their craft and their talent.

Mine has lasted over a month.

All I can think about is how much I suck. I suck at everything I want to do, and I'm not talented, and how I know nothing.

I really don't know anything about anything.

I hope I grow out of this, cause it sucks to be in suckworld so far.

And now I have to leave and suck in front of kids and grown ups. Seriously... no amount of prayer is going to get me through this. I hate myself.

I'm going to finish the job I started; dig a hole and stay underground.

I just have to get through this weekend first.

b

Within a year?

Hrm. I might accept that. I'd like to think of myself as ready for love (or at least extreme like) again, but with my upcoming schedule, it wouldnt be fair to one. Unless he was willing to put up with someone he knows likes him and only him, who can give him the security of being loved (albeit from afar) and the space cause she's got other things to do. If he's secure enough to handle that, and still be supportive, send him my way.

And I do leave the house. Just not often. And internet dating is interesting, but scary. Very scary still. Not really any different from a blind date or a personals ad, but I don't think I'll need that. I'm sure I'll be just fine. Just need to get some stuff done first.

b

You'll Find a Boyfriend Within a Year

Either you're not ready for a relationship... Or you're not quite ready to leave the house You can't meet a guy from your couch So at least consider meeting one from your computer!

When Will You Meet Your Next Boyfriend?

Dear God...

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

karma's a bitch

so all that talk about how cute I look bit me in the ass.

One of the girls at work is a puller, and pulled at least three people (her sister is 4 days early, and a coworker and myself are bothin shifting, and ended up shifting to the same day) to her schedule.

Therefore, whereas before I would be slim and happy and dance-ready, now I'll be bloated and miserable and in pain and have no energy.

Luckily the dress will still look good, and thankfully I'm wearing the dress that dances on its own.

In other, less important news, my myspace acct was inexplicably deleted. Don't know why. Nothing bad on there. < shrugs >

Oh well. Next thing.

b

stop encouraging me!

so my boss & my coworkeer want me to wear the va-voom killer dress instead of the hotmama dress to the wedding. Now I think that's just mean. And THEN, yesterday, one of the ladies in my comunity gave my black lace you know whats to wear to the wedding. Mom & I fell out, because she gave one pair to mom, and the other pair to me and was like "you're both single women! dont people find others at weddings?? go! have fun!"

We're still in shock. It's like the equivalent of your great-gram mgiving you a thong or a condom or something & saying "have fun!" Like anyone's gonna see that! But she's like YOU know it's there and I'm still about to die.

It's like people WANT me to be the bad girl. I'm NOT the bad girl! I'm the one that everyone expects to be a lil bit naughty. But I'm only that way with people I LIKE... like my bfs or whatever, that's not for the general public! Omg.

Still about to die. And still mad at the boss & my lil bro for wanting me wo go va-voom.

it was twenty(five) years ago today

John Walsh & his wife are at the White House today to be present for when the President signs the Adam Walsh Bill into law. For those who don't know, John Walsh is the face of America's Most Wanted, and The Center for Missing and Exploited Children. His son, Adam was abducted 25 years ago from a shopping mall, and a few days later his severed head was found within miles of the area where he went missing. His body has yet to be found, and no one has been implicated in the case.

John Walsh dedicated his life to the prevention of such horrors occuring, and became an advocate for the child sex offender registry. The proposed Bill being signed into effect today, the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act, legalizes a National Sex Offender registry.

Finally. It's a great step in the right direction.

For other news, check out the Post's article, found here:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/07/25/AR2006072501590.html

b

shopping, invites, spending money, and the stuff you know what i mean

shopping & spending money:
I dropped 75$ in one place yesterday.
BUT, lemme tell you what I got for that 75$:
a. 5 pairs of shoes, 3 for mom, 1 gorgeous pair of boots with tread (just the way I like them) and another pair of heels for work
b. a *gorgeous* light cream/peach number that's PERFECT for a jazz character, or a 50's dinner party. All I have to do is shorten the straps.
c. an "if dresses could kill" dress. If they're gonna hate me at the wedding in the short brown number, they'll want to kill me in this dress... It's black satin, with a thigh high slit, and a strappy back that you have to get woven into to hold th esides together. I've never seen anything like it, and when I put it on, I felt like I was a femme fatale in a Bond flick. Huh, got the bond-girl bathing suit, now I've got the femme fatale evening dress... Is life trying to tell me something? Eat your heart out, world. I'm telling you, it's like it was *made* for me, even down to the nonexistent cleavage. So I own it, have no reason to wear it, and will most likely never wear it outside of my house. But I'm going to put it on right after I finish this blog & feel GOOOOOOOOD.
d. A new pair of grey pants (because apparently I can never have enough, but they're dark grey (new move for me) and they're L.E.I., which everyone (mom) has caught on that I love)
e. a solid red sheath dress that's good for work
f. cup insterts to sew into the hot mama dress
g. this dress is funky and kinda hard to describe. it's black with orangish print flowers on it, comes to my thigh, deep cut wrap front... and... it's got long sleeves that split at the shoulder and rejoin at the cuff. Okay, maybe it wasn't that hard to explain. It would look really cute with thigh high boots. Don't have any, but I know where the pair I want is on the internet. Now, if I can just convince myself to spend 50$ on boots...
h. a cream, off-white summery, flowery dress. It's cute. red & peach flowers, green leaves, teeny red lace trim. cute. not me, but a nice summery, colorful change. One can't be goth year-round, and now that I've discovered the sun, I kinda like it. Plus, I like updating my wardrobe on occasion with fresh stuff. Especially fresh stuff that only cost me 3$.
i. a new total me shirt. it's sleeveless, stretchy, black with purple and cream stripy print... and it has the stringy things that come out from the shoulder. Can't say for sure how annoying those will get, but it's total me as I can just throw it on top of basic black pants for a look thats instantly pulled together & go. No wondering about shoes or accessories. Perfect. Basic clubwear backup too. I'm tired of wearing the same stuff. Everyone's seen my clubwear. I have three shirts I alternate between, and I'm pretty sure I've been photographed in all three now, so I need new stuff.
j. a lace square mom wanted for under the picture of Abdul-Baha
k. a square of some fabric mom wanted for some reason known to her and not me.

Sidebar: I just put on the dress. I feel like all the lights went out, I'm a lounge singer, there's a piano calling for me to lay on it & sing "Sooner or Later." If you have no idea what song that is, rent Dick Tracy. OOOh, forgot to tell you. It has a train, too. Not too long, but at first I thought it was trailing on the ground because I was short and had no heels on in the fitting room, but the front's fine. It's got a train. *sigh*.

So I kinda got a taste of what the phrase "retail therapy" means. Only, I think the people who suffer the most from that affliction are those who drop 200$ and walk out with only one item of clothing, so I'm good. Besides, I only go crazy shopping once a year or every 6 months, and if I need something, I usually go in for that one item & walk out with that one item, so I'm good. Plus, I have a rule where I get rid of something for ever article I purchase new (unless it's a costume, which the peachy 50's dress is).

Invites:
Got invited to go out friday night. I think hell has frozen over, but now I have clothes to wear out, so we'll see. then today GetontheBus asked me to go out friday, so we'll see.

The stuff you wanted to know about:
Day one: Was nervous, he said I did good, so I'm good.
Day two: Surreal. Just... surreal.

And yes, I'm still wearing the dress.

Oh, there's quotes of the day too, but they're about spermbanks and they're too funny to put here. But they were funny.

b

being alone, out with the old, and reclaiming lost loves.

being alone:
I woke up and half the day was already gone. it was 1 something in the afternoon, and I'd missed the opportunity to get much of what I wanted done. Then among mom's first words to me are "you should go downstairs & do some tae bo."

How many last straws must I endure before she lays off of my body?

So I fire back with "have you seen my body?!?"
Which, of course offends her and now we're not talking.

Other list of people I'm not talking to: my friends. Sure, I'm down to two now anyways, but I really had to think about it. I had a disagreement with one that ended in silence, and granted the silence is being extended on my side, bue I'm continuing it for my own reasons which I'll get into after I get through why I'm not talking to the other one (and by "not talking to" I dont mean "complete silence," I mean "not in the same way/capacity"). He instigates. I didn't realize how easily I fall prey to his instigation until last night or two nights ago when I let slide that things had changed between myself and the other friend (keep yer yap shut, banafsheh) and within minutes it had been blown completely out of proportion and assumptions were being made that had nothing to do with why I was upset in the first place. One of those "not-the-point-but-the-principle" deals.



So I examined my life today and my friends and how I fit into the grand scheme of social circles and realized that I (yet again) give too much t=stock into what people say. I mean, who gives a rat's ass? If I'm not getting along with someone, or if I choose to spend some alone time from someone for whatever personal reason I've got, it's not your business. Not only that, but who are you to turn it into stuff it's not by assumption? So I decided to have formal friendships and relationships with the both of them until I can sort out how to handle myself.

It just bugs me that being single has just as much drama, it seems, even more, than being in a relationship. At least in being in a relationship, you only had drama with one other person. Being single seems to be much more complicated. When I was first alone, the pendulum swung in such a dramatic way, I didn't care about anyone, I didnt care what anyone thought and I didn't feel like dealing with anyone's shit.

Now I think the pendulum's swung back without me managing to find the balance. I care too much what people think, and I keep seeking approval.

Fuck other people. I'm going to get my stuff done. And If I'm alone, so be it. So stop trying to get me with someone, stop asking me "so, how are you and so-and-so doing?" because it's a bullshit question and I'm not going to answer it seriously anymore. Prepare for "he died. thanks for your concern. funeral's wednesday."

There's a difference between DEpendance, INdependance and INTERdependance. I've been the first, truck my way to the second and crave the third.

Which is why I've given up on the third. I'd settle for the second but Humans are inherently social beings and I don't want to die without having human compassion and love bestowed upon me. So I'll do like I said I would & adopt kids. I'm too awkward & rambly around people I like and I hold people I love to standards higher than people I don't. So I'll never be satisfied.

Fine.

out with the old:
I'm going through my closet & dumping out everything I havent ever worn, or haven't worn in a long time. I'm tired of my life being a mess. The whole deal behind being single was to get my life in order, damnit. fine job I've done of that.

reclaiming lost loves:
I'm turning myself off to romance and relationships. Everything I've got and will have will be strictly plutonic unless the male in the situation says "I'd like to pursue something with you." Which I will attend on a case-by-case basis. The fact that no one likes me at this point makes this easy. It provides me with the ability to return to my long lost love: the stage. I've started to look at bilaws again. I've started scouting real estate again. I'm talking to folks who can get stuff in motion. Hpoefully by this time next year, I'll have a company. My idea of life isn't yours, world. I've known I'm going to be alone in this. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can stop wasting time and emotion on people who aren't going to understand what I mean anyway. Oddly, I'm happy. =)

b

of course it is

lesson learned:
I'm the kind of person who has to talk out my problems. It helps when I talk it out with other people, cause sometimes they give me perspective on whatever it is I'm dealing with.

Anyways, the lesson begins when exbest came back into my life, and told me that he and his gf (who i used to be friends with until he told me she was spreading a rumor about me) broke up.

So I told my bf. Who then had lunch with the ex gf, and told her I told him.
Which brings back all these horrible memories I have of her/with her, along with the accusations which won't die & got resurrected by one of her friends in January. Anyways so now I'm bracing for the rumor of how happy i am that they broke up cause now i can make my move on him or something.

Which doesn't make me feel good because he and I have been talking about going to WVA to a cabin lately. Which isn't going to happen, but is a nice thought. Since he came back into my life immediately post-breakup which made me question how it was that he was magically free to be my friend again, and not only that but was so eager to hang out which is what I confided in my bf in the first place.

So, lesson learned #1:
Keep yer yap shut. Had I not spread the business in the first place, I wouldn't have to be worrying about all that.

There's no #2 lesson learned, it's number one as in PRIMO.


Sidebar: I'm glad GH brought the H back.

So yeah. Def. Keep yer yap shut.

The last time I did something selfless for her, I got burned, bad. I've had my guard up ever since when it comes to her, and I always will.

the hypocritcic oath

Truth
Tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
And the truth shall set you free

But my favourite:

Truth is the foundation of all virtues.

I said that sunday to *'s nephew... along with this longass lecture (which I'm sure he'd heard a gadzillion times) about how he shouldn't have strayed from his mom at the festival. But the part that got me riled wa the part where a policeman asked for his name since he fit the description of a missing child, and he lied & said some other name. So my part of the lecture was mainly about how the man trusted him to tell the truth, and that because he didn't so many police officers were deployed to find him, and his family is still going crazy, when he could have ended the search much sooner.

Driving home it hit me. I felt like a total hypocrite, cause I hadn't told my mom about the summer classes. I've got to do that, soon. And the truth, not the cover half truth I was preparing.

sigh.

b

validate me

a mom just walked in to turn some paperwork in for her daughter who'll be participating in the arts camp next week.

she recognized me, and started telling me stories about her daughter's attitude towards theater and people who dont get their acts together... And I couldnt help feeling proud, and we ended up having a 45 min discussion about her daughter's future and how to get into different groups & stuff...

I feel good, and her mom basically gave me some credit for working with her daughter.

=D

I feel good!

b

big boy

so there's a guy that works here
and he's HUGE
so huge that he's perpetually in a state of perspiration
now, he has a habit of taking the community keys
there's only one set
and it's on a lanyard
and instead of keeping them in his pocket, or RETURNING THEM like he's supposed to
he keeps them around his neck
and when i saw that
and the sweat rolling off of him
i just want to wash the keys
and not touch them
i'm SO GROSSED OUT


I mean, I think that's a little rude... Like you know you have a problem... you KNOW you have a problem because you have knee problems due to your weight. And I'm not being insensitive to that. What I dont understand is you, perspiring like someone turned on a sub-cutaneous sprinkler & walked away, and then using the ONLY SET OF KEYS as a headband.

That's gross.

I'm going to hell.

b

dinner?

So I'm walking in to work to get the key that unclocks my side when I see a guy who used to work thursday nights with me. Now he's on saturdays. He's prolly in his 50s, he's got to be in his 50s, and he hits me with "we were supposed to have dinner"

what?

and he's like "did you forget?" and i'm walking away like "i must have" and he's like "well consider this your reminder"

and all that is running through my head is besu's comment yesterday,

"man, how do you keep getting all these lame-ass dudes?"

it's true. I get lame-ass dudes. Now, fing is, you dont always know about people. But then, then open their mouths, like these dudes. You're 50! And yesterday, THERE IS NO RELATIONSHIP.

what kind of deslusion have you wrapped yourself into?

GROSS!

b

rubbing, hot mamas, mamas, haters, dad, and being alone

Rubbing:
Last night was a really good concert. Not that I was there, cause I had to work. But Besu and Noel went out last night. I bet they had fun, and I'm kinda glad that no one's rubbed it in that I wasn't there. Doubt they will, and I love them for it, though I'm dying to know how the concert was. I'm sure one of the two of them will fill me in.

Hot mamas, mamas and haters:
Mom (my personal dresser) and I have been debating as to what to wear to my cousin's wedding at the end of this month. She went into my closet & was looking at all these long, black dresses, which I've worn already (not the issue) but don't particularly care for in the spirit of the even (the issue). It's a summer afternoon wedding! Can we break out of black? Long black dresses? Dark colors? Can we get some light blues, some tealength dresses, some chiffon? She brings back a two-piece LONG bridesmaid dress that is at least not black, but still isn't on the vein of the summer, flirty piece I was trying to get her to envision. I mean, I'm 25. Everyone else my age wears fun, flirty stuff, and I dress like a 40 year old. On the fourth of July, I saw the dress my "cousin" is going to wear, and I made a show to my mom about how that dress is *precicely* the type I was talking about.

Last night, mom delivered. She went shopping and bought a skirt and two dresses. The skirt's a keeper, and one of the dresses is HOT MAMA. It's EXACTLY what I was looking for. It's brown, which although it's not exactly the summery fresh color I was thinking of, is still my favourite color and I plan on ROCKING IT. Mom said that the summer blues and yellows against my skin would wash me out, and she's (of course) right. The woman knows her sh*t. I trust her fashion sense. So I put on the brown dress, and my skin tone looks darker.

Yes.

It's a halter top, with a ruched (sp?) torso and three-tiered ruffled skirt. I am in love with this dress. It's flirty, and fun, and makes me feel young. Mom says it needs neutral-toned shoes (as I'm looking up brown matching strappy heels). When I asked why (cause I have my heart set on these brownish bronze faux snakeskin strappy sandals from Vic Secret) she said because anything else will detract from the dress and then all I'd hear for the event would be "ooh, cute shoes."

Then she listed off all the people who are going to hate me for wearing the dress. You know what? Fuck 'em. I look good, damnit. I'm tired of having to watch what I wear because everyone else hates that I look good. Can _I_ enjoy my body for the next five years before it all goes south? Damn! I have limited time. I'm gonna enjoy it. I can't help that this looks good in that dress. Haters.

The anticlimactic addendum to the hotmama dress is the mama dress. As in I look like a mother who is trying to keep with the trends in that dress. It has the little fold top and then it's shorter in the front than it is in the back. It's got the swooshy design on the outer mesh with the puff paint and the swilrs... It's a good salsa dress, but I'll pass. Why?

CAUSE I'M WEARING THE HOTMAMA DRESS, BABY!!

That said, I need to do more pushups and run some more. Cause SO much skin is being showed, and I wanna have decent guns, and better looking legs, since I'm going to be showing much of my legs off.

Dad:

Dad called last night. He wanted to know if I was really going to Dayspring this year (I am) because he's going. Then he let me know that he's not staying on campus because he's "spoiled in his ways" since he's used to hotels and refuses to sleep on a cot. Then he asked me the REAL reason he called. He asked if OhioH was coming. I said he wasn't. Dad's got his hopes up.

Sigh. I almost wish I hadn't told him, but he's so happy. I'll let him live in his world.

Being alone:
Besu's last performance with Sugoi is tonight. Now I'm going, and as a matter of fact I split my outfit today in half, the top part is for day, since no one sees the bottom part anyways from sitting at the counter, and the bottom part is the night, with the strappy heels. I took my lowcut shirt for the concert tonight & my makeup bag, and I'll change at job3 when I leave. But I don't want to go to Besu's concert alone, and Noel has to work tonight. So he's not going, and there went the pool for people I do things with. I really don't want to go by myself. I dunno, it's not appealing to me to be surrounded by people I don't know, who'll be drinking, and not have someone I can talk to that I trust. But Besu's cousin will be there, and I've at least met him before, so I should be good. Besides, it's all for Besu, anyways, and if I have to sacrifice a lil comfort in favor of his last performance I guess I should have brought another shirt to wear tonight instead of the good one.

b