Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Is pride a bitter pill to swallow?

So I did something today. I dont know if it'll make me proud later or not, or if it'll even pay off.
But i did it. I went to someone's myspace page in order to gain access and message someone who used to be a friend of mine to ask them something.

That's not the pride part. Well, it's a small percentage of the greater fraction of the pride part.

Whilst there, before I hit message, I noticed tha this person has one of my exes on their top friends. And an ex of an ex. And though I do admit that I'm egotistical and selfish enough to think that there's a group of people out there whose only common bond is that they think I ruined their life (which could be true for two of the three... the ex of the ex I had nothing to do with), I know that there's got to be something out there beyond and besides me. So I put that thought away and it's replaced with this sadness.

This sadness that I used to be good friends with those two, and for whatever reason I'm not now. One I know, it was my fault... I'm a great girlfriend, but I suck at breakups. My last bf, I was proud of myself, I broke up with him with dignity, "look, maybe we're just better friends, let's just go back to that before this gets bad" and then he convinced me i was wrong just to call me a stripper in public, not learn to apologize and then break up with me. So that one wasn't me. But I think he liked me but loved his best friend which I would have been cool with had he just confessed it. But whatever. Slight tangent in the greater point that I am a good girlfriend. I practically live for the other person, and I give so much of myself that it's almost like a crash & burn. When it burns, it gets ugly. Well, there's this one person on the top friends who is a really good guy. Decent, dry humor, sarcastic... My mom hated him cause she thought he was holier than thou, and in a way he was, but that's what made it so great. cause it cracked me up.

But he's a good guy, we just weren't good. It's weird. i'm at this place now where I dont really have anything bad to say about any of my exes except maybe that guy but it's not really his fault because we all got trapped in the situation... but what I'm saying is, either I wasn't ready for them, or they weren't ready for me. And anyone who dated me post 2001 I apologize to cause I was a mess about certain things that I didn't trust you enough with.

There's also this part of me that just wants my friendship back. Things were so great before the relationship. This makes me feel like I fall into patterns. So I reflect:

I'm scared of new people, and dont trust relationships with strangers so I usually hang out with people I know. Then it develops into something. Let's call that love for now. Then I freak out, or I want out, and I make a mess and make it so the person never wants to talk to me again.

I tried dating someone from scratch once, and it's not for me. Thank God the cast was there to save me from that. What bothers me isn't that we're not together. What bothers me is that if all my exes are people I knew and was good friends with at some point, and I don't talk to my exes, my friend circle just gets smaller and smaller.

Soon, I'll have no more friends because I'll have dated them all.

Then I went through a period of time where I refused to see anyone. This worked because I made good friends, and while one and I will always love each other, I think we've passed the statute of limitations on relationships and our chance expired. He calls it bad timing. I call it the [I just wrote a bunch here and now I've deleted it just in case he's reading this]. Then there's another one whom I consider bad timing, cause by the time one of us rolled around to realizing we loved the other, the other had moved on. And it didnt matter which of us. that got painful and then it was gone.

But now, here I am again. A friend, from HS, like at least 2 others before him and I have gotten close. Pattern. I've given a chunk of me, but have held much of me back. Break of Pattern. We're going out now. Pattern. I don't want to break up, but I can't help but to be reminded of the fact that I have no friends because I've dated & broken up with them all. And they all know each other, cause we all went to HS together. I'm sure there's been the comparison conversation at least once, and that's exactly what I *dont* want to happen.

Aurgh. I feel like such a loser. But the POINT is, I want my friendships back, but I can't have them because _I_ am horrible with breakups.

Maybe I'm just a negative person. Like maybe there's this thing, where if I live on just the surface, and never let anyone close to me, I can be that girl again, with the tons of guys who likes her who doesnt really like anyone back but just needs to have guys around.

But that's not me. I'm not that girl anymore. I just want one.
And it freaks me out.

I want too much. I want my old best friend to realize exactly what he did and apologize for being a total spineless dick. I want my ex boyfriends to go back to being my friend, because that's where we should have stayed in the first place. I want this scared feeling of "am I repeating my mistakes, is this one that should have stayed in the friendship" feeling to go away. It's like hunger... it just creeps up on you, and you can avoid it for a while, but then it growls louder if you dont give it something to silence it.

And then I'm wondering why I do the things I do. React the way I do. About the relationship I'm in, I've never been so silent with my feelings before. Before, I'd cry all over the place and be all "why dont you love me like i love you, damnit? you're supposed to be like this: ____" But that's not love. That's comparison, and -let's face it- "this:____" doesn't exist anymore. He's nostalgia in my head, he's not coming back, and even if he did, we wouldn't work now. You can't compare people, you can only appreciate what you've got and who's giving it to you for what they are at the time. BUT, if you need romance, and they're not romantic, no amout of forgiveness, hints or screams will make them that way. So let go & move on.

I dunno, I just miss my friends is all. Wondering what I've done wrong. Realizing it's "confusing the signals." You don't have to go out with every one you get along with. And if you do, there's got to be a better way of saying goodbye to the situation without having to say goodbye to the person.

But whatever. Life is so much larger than HS, right? Even though you never really leave the environment or the people... the cliques and the stereotypes still exist; they've just gained a few (50) lbs, found or lost hair, and get paid more an hour.

Oh well. Sometimes I can't shake it. The feeling.

Noel says i'm gorgeous and that I've got nothing to worry about. But "God don't like ugly." You could be average, but your attitude is what's gonna sway the judges to gorgeous or ugly.

I dunno. I feel weird. Maybe I'm just lonely. Damn, my dad was right.


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