Sunday, November 25, 2007


What if we've got cats all wrong?


Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Buying for Banafsheh, 101

It's the holiday season, so I expect some folks might think of me as they shop.

That said, I've included this handy buying tip for when you reach for that Lord of the Rings calendar, you'll know to put it back and get the original print of the books (if not original, at least early enough that it hasn't got the movie representations all splashed on the cover).

Tip #1: I like practical.
Every present I've ever given is something someone can use in some way; either something that will help them make a statement, provide an image, or tools in order to continue a dream. In that vein, I don't like stuff... I have enough random stuff of my own, and to get more stuff frustrates me cause I have to house and make room for just one more thing I can't actually get any use out of.

Tip #2: I like original.
Say some idiotic studio wants to do Casablanca again. Do not buy me anything to do with the new movie. I won't like it. Say the studio actually manages to make a great movie, and I end up liking the new movie in spite of myself. Don't but me anything to do with the new movie. Still get the original poster, or the original film.

Tip #3: I like Vintage.
This kinda ties into Tip #2, with this slight difference: Using the LotR example from before, if you got me a book series without movie images, that's Tip #2. However, if you got me the 1954 original print, I'd simply die.

Tip #4: Collectibles.
I do not go for collectibles, because people do not know what collectibles are. Original is not always collectible. Vintage is. An original, vintage, never opened He-Man is way cooler than the beefcake, overdone, why-can-I-count-the-veins-on-a-toy crap they've got now. Remade stuff now is just kitschy, and won't sell, or mean anything in 20 years. Now, again using the LotR example, the original, animated Bilbo Baggins movie is a collectible. A dvd of this would fall under original. A VHS would fall under vintage, but I wouldn't be able to get much use of it, so the dvd works just fine.

Tip #5: Theater.
THIS WILL ALWAYS WORK. If all else fails, go the theatrical route. Tickets, plays, musical scores, vintage playbills... be creative. I guarantee it'll work. If you screw this up, there's no helping you. Seriously.

Tip #6 Like vs. Love.
If there's something I like, unless you purchase it immediately after I mention it, I will not like it. I will have had time to move on and like something else. If I love it, and it always comes up in conversation, or you know for a fact I'll love it, get it. But if it's like... something that... I have a choice between... How do I explain? If there's a boy band, or a group, and I single out a member as being my favourite, don't get me his calendar. It's not that serious. It's just that of my choices, he's the favourite. That's all. Unless it's noel gallagher, and even with him, I'm stuck between being over him and never getting over him. I think I can sum up our non-existent relationship with: I'll always love him, but I don't have anything of his and I'm very okay with that.

Tip#7 Music.
You can't go wrong with legends. My entire music collection was stolen in the move from Pittsburgh to DC, so I don't have anything.

I think this is good for our introduction of buying for banafsheh.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm wrong.

I'm wrong because he loves me every day.

I was very wrong.


Saturday, November 17, 2007


He loves me. I get that. It's even more evident today.
He came first thing in the morning with breakfast.

He loves me.

And I have no idea what to do with that.


Saturday, November 10, 2007

Happiness comes in little pills

There's an episode of Dr. Who featuring the tenth doctor and Martha, where they go to New Earth and New New York, after the other two times he went with Rose. There's an infrastructure in place there, and some plot lines about self-sufficient busywork, but the part I want to focus on is the drug patches. There's a bit where the market comes to life but all they sell are states of being. There's an anger patch, a happy patch, a sleep patch, and a "forget" patch. So the Doctor goes on this chase to save Martha and ends up finding the senate, all of whose members are long dead, bodies left in the very positions they died in. So the doctor finds that what happened was they all died from exposure to the new patch, "bliss." They were so blissful they just didnt want to do anything or go anywhere so they ended up dying. Blissfully, no doubt, but they're dead just the same.

Anyways, don't know why I shared that; just thought you should know.

I've taken a look about me at the things I've got going on and realised that they're the very things that aught to make me happy. Only I'm not. There's something missing that's been missing for a very long time and I don't want to put my finger on it. Cause it scares me. It scares me that here I am at the brink of the something that's been missing my whole life and...

What if it's fulfilling? What if it's not? What if it kills me? What if I have to give up everything and everyone I've ever loved to have it? Someone pointed out that they can tell when I want to do something simply by the way I light up when i'm discussing it.

This morning, I woke up happy. So happy, in fact, I came to work in what I slept in, and didn't care to don any undies. I thought, I'm going to do things my way; live my life, experience things I want to. I love travel; I'll travel.

I took a look at the things that I have:
I have a theater company. Sure, it's not my theater company, but I certainly won't make aname for myslf being pissed about that minor fact, will I? I've got to get my name out there and ride this train all the way to the station. Else, how will I have anyone willing to work with me when it DOES come time for me? I can't keep waiting... besides, it's better to fail on someone else's dime, anyways, isn't it?

I'm graduating. This is supposed to make me happy, but it's kind of bittersweet. It's freeing me up for my year of service, which I've always wanted to do, and never been able to do... and I can't keep postponing it. Once I even rationalized, well, I'll pioneer when I retire. What if I don't live that long? How can I come to grips with myself knowing I had an opportunity to do something important and then tabled it? It's not just the experience. It's the Year of Service. Baha'i's are encouraged to participate in a Year of Service and I've not done one. I could call myself a Homefront Pioneer, but I don't want to cause I think it's lame, and an easy way out. I've always wanted to do this... From Tanzania to Japan to South America and now China. The country may keep changing but the intent never has. Now's the time. If I stay, I'll never go, and I'll regret it for the rest of my life.

Speaking of regret, I had someone recently encourage me to take on a show. I asked him for advice looking to be talked out of it, and instead he talked me into it, and assured me that we'd get through it. Get through it we did, and there was a point I just resented it all. Looking back, I couldn't be more greatful to him. I'd be sitting here on my own time right now, thinking about the old days of theater instead of thinking, "Well, i handled it. When's the next audition?" He proved to me that I can do more than I let myself decide and settle on. And I absolutely adore him for it.

That's part of the reason this kills me so much. I know I have a man like him in my corner... and to leave just feels like it's a slap in the face... But how can I give up something I've always wanted to do? And it's only for 365 days... I'd be back, with a vengeance, tearing up the DC theater circuit as I've wanted to, working on my children's theater programs and performing at night. Part of the reason I wanted to become a teacher in the first place (aside from weilding the power to influence minds) is the realization that it's the most flexible job ever. You can go anywhere in the world and get a job.


I keep alot bottled up. The whole purpose of getting a blog was so that I'd be able to write. I haven't written a stich since... well.... ever, my poetry site's been hacked and I've completely neglected it cause I didn't think anyone ever really used it. Turns out people do and knowing I'm letting them down just depresses me more instead of making me do something about it.

And all the while, here's this beautiful man in my corner, cheering me on, telling me to get back in the ring and fight it out. And I love him. And I don't want to let him go.

I'm torn, and I'm stuck, and I don't know what to do.