Thursday, June 30, 2005

The Buble

So, I'm pretty sure we all know how much I love Michael Buble's sound.
Here's a lyric for you... The song is called, "home". I like that no matter where he is, he'd rather be home.



Another summer day
Is come and gone away
In Paris and Rome
But I wanna go home

Maybe surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel all alone
I just wanna go home
Oh I miss you, you know

And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

Another aerorplane
Another sunny place
I’m lucky I know
But I wanna go home
Mmmm, I’ve got to go home

Let me go home
I’m just too far from where you are
I wanna come home

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believe in me

Another winter day has come
And gone away
And even Paris and Rome
And I wanna go home
Let me go home

And I’m surrounded by
A million people I
Still feel alone
Oh, let go home
Oh, I miss you, you know

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

Dating is like a library

Datefinder: maybe I just want one
me: want one what
Datefinder: the one
Datefinder: which is no diff
me: look
Datefinder: (I've got the mental image of you loading a shotgun)
me: if you're looking to walk down the street, turn the corner & smack into the person you'll spend the rest of your life with, become an actor & do a romantic comedy
me: the reality is, dating is process of elimination
me: it's like going to the library
me: you can like ALL the books, or maybe just science fiction
me: but if you like science fiction, you're not going to stay in the biography section
me: & waste your time
me: but you have to read the books in the section you like to find your favorite
Datefinder: ok
Datefinder: true enough
me: the mailman is not going to knock on your door & say, this is it, man!
Datefinder: ok,
Datefinder: now what does it mean
Datefinder: when
Datefinder: I only get a crush once every 4 years?
me: either you're highly selective
me: or you dont get out enough

If it ain't broke...

I think it's not broken after all. It worked today, at the Staples. I was buying a headset with a mic, and this sales guy wouldn't leave me alone. I'm staring at the different types of headsets, and he's all, "do you know what you want?"
"yes, I kow what I want, I just don't know which one I want yet."
He leaves, and then 20 seconds comes back with "are you SURE you know what you want?"
And I'm thinking, "would I be looking at the backs of these packages & comparing prices if I didn't?" but I said, "Yes, I'm sure, I want a headset. I'm just picking which one. Thank you."

He follows up with this gem:

"You have the smallest feet I've ever seen! What size do you wear?"


So I told him, and he left. JE-SUS!

Then as I'm checking out, he comes up & as he walks to the counter to stand behind the check out girl & gawk at me, "I wish I could call you".

I did like I do all of that gibberish: ignore him.

To his credit, he didn't repeat himself. I mean, WTF?!

He couldn't see my feet because my pants were too long & covered them up. Plus, I was wearing 3" heels, so of course they look small.

I want the guy who would walk up to me and say, "you know, I have this great tailor..."

So anyways, I know it's not broken. It just works when I don't want it to. So I have no control over it. I'll work on that.

Either that, or it only works in Oxon Hill...

That thought makes me cringe.


just put down the oreos, and no one will get hurt

I have to stop eating.

I know what some of you are thinking, "you eat?".

Har har.

What I mean is that yesterday I picked up this nasty habit that I continued today.

I have developed hand to mouth syndrome. Luckily, I've caught myself in the early stages, so there's still hope. Yesterday, I ate gummi bears while sitting down. Today, having had no breakfast, I ate the remaining gummi bears, as well as some wheat thins and some apple cranberry juice. Then throughout the day I was ripping chunks off of the hardened blob of gummi bears that had melted from being in the car, and re-gelled. Just now, I ripped open a small box of cheez its. I had to put the box away, cause I started to notice that I was in the early stages of hand to mouth syndrome.

Help me. I don't wanna get fat! I was just starting to like my figure. One time, in rehearsal, Luis pulled up his shirt to show off his "pack". So I got bold and was like, "what are you showing off for? That's nothing!" so I lifted mine up to show off my stomach. So there.

I can't jeopardize my ab reputation now. I can't get all flabby.
I'm just getting back into my clothes!

b, who REALLY wants doublestuff oreos...

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

day three and it happens

The Besu was right.

Three days in, and I got my first lunch date.
An officer stops me on my way to lunch to introduce himself and say, "I've never seen you around here before", and I said, "no, you haven't."
And he asks if I'm married (and I think, "well, don't we get right to the point" at the same time I'm thinking, "you're the detective, look at the finger!") and I say I'm not. He asks if I'm taken, and here I pause. I'm not taken, really, as in I don't have a boyfriend, and I'm not really looking for one, either, but in the 10 second conversation (we were walking in opposite directions), how do I convey all of that? So I said the best thing I could come up with:

"I'm on hold."

I think that that conveys everything I'm trying to say, doesn't it? It says, "I'm not free, but I'm not completely taken, either."

So I like that, "I'm on hold". It also could be interpreted as someone is interested in me, and I am interested in them so I'm not dating other people until I work that out. It could be interpreted as a lot of things, and none of them are "I'm free". So I think I'm okay.

But anyways, whenever I see him again in passing, we'll prolly make some lunch plans. I need/want to befriend as many cops as possible. Park Police Man is the only one I have so far, and he's really not much help when I call him. I feel like he's "little lady"-ing me, and I don't like that.

Well, at least I'll have a lunchbuddy next week or so.

Eh, whatever. Oddly, it doesn't make a difference one way or the other. It's funny. For the first time in my life, I believe that there's a thing as "just lunch". It's just lunch.

Seriously, something's changing in me ever since I got and stayed single. I really care less about men now. Not in a "I couldn't give a ___" way, but In a "eh, whatever" way. I love my friends, though. And I'm still suspicious of anyone who asks me out, but this cop guy seemed so genuine, like, "hey, never seen you before, wanna do lunch? But I gotta check to make sure your husband or boyfriend wont kill me first..."

eh, it's just lunch. whatever.

See? I did it again!


Tuesday, June 28, 2005

I must be an idiot

I talked to Canadaman, and he's flying out from NJ on the 06th, and he's flying back in to NJ on the 30th. The 06th is a wednesday, and there's no way I can meet him in NJ to send him off. Besides, even if I COULD magically get to NJ, I'd never see him, cause he'd be in international flights, since he's flying in from Canada... I'd be in domestic.

Now, on his way in, on the 30th, maybe I could be in NJ... and maybe he could leave the airport & we could go to NY for the day or something... See sights, catch up, talk in person...

What the hell am I talking about?



It begins and ends with a consonant, and the only vowel used is "a".


He's going on tour, and I won't talk to him for a month.
And that's okay... I'm not dependent on him (which is new), but I was starting to get used to talking to him. So it's prolly good that he's leaving, cause I don't want to get too attached.

Perfect timing.

And yet, he says stuff sometimes, and... I dunno... I just feel... I feel like...
I feel like I want to believe him, or that if he keeps it up, I might actually start believing him. Stuff's fun when you're joking, but sometimes, I feel like the line between hypothetical play and possible reality gets blurred, and I'm not sure which side of it I'm on. Which is why I think this break will clear that up for me. I'll either miss him, or I won't.

On the bright side, I might get presents when he gets back from Europe.

I talked to Trusty Best Friend last night, and we were both talking about the joys of being single, and that the only thing you miss from being single is having that one person that you can rely on to always be there for you. That free unconditional love support structure. Then I realized that that's what best friends are for.

So really, I just miss the making out.

Monday, June 27, 2005

You break it, you buy it...

I think my vagina is broken.

I've lost my girl power.

Or maybe I just forgot how to use it...
I dont know...

I think my vagina is broken.


Touching People

If you've somehow gotten the idea that this is going to be a naughty post, I'm sorry, I've got to let you down.

This post is about Mrs. Roberts, a lady who was a teacher at Owens Road Elementary School, where I received the tutelage of my pre-adolescent years.

I saw her saturday, and she recruited me to edit her book ("you were always good at that, even in 5th grade."), for which she will monetarily compensate me. I accepted (what did I get myself into?!). After exchanging pleasantries, she introduced me to her companion ("now this young lady here did a play when she was in elementary school, actually she was in all the plays"), and asked me what the names of the people were that I performed a Niki Giovanni (or was it Maya Angelou) poem back in the 4th or 5th grade.

I don't remember!

So I blurted out some names that I remembered from ES... one of them was right... I mean, she was taking it WAY back, you know? Then she was offended that I was so sketchy on the details, she said "you'd better not forget that poem/play I taught you! We worked so hard on it!"

Which tells me a few things:
1. When I tell people I've been performing since before I can remember, I'm telling the truth.
2. You never know how you touch people's lives. This lady has kept this memory of her crowning achievement with her for over 15 years. She was proud of us, and we did a good job, because it's stayed with her.
3. I still look the same as I did when I was in Elementary School, because she picked me out at work as I was passing by.

I don't think that's in order... at least, if I was writing a screenplay for a movie, I think I'd have to have it as 3, 1, 2. If it's a comedy, it'd be 2, 1, 3 or 2, 3, 1.

Anyways. The point is, you NEVER know how you affect other people. Now go watch It's a Wonderful Life.


Sunday, June 26, 2005


I saw a trailer for a movie, Murderball.

After watching it, and sending the link to people, I did a search for local dc chapters. I came across the name of someone, & gave him a call.

Turns out, their team dissolved 3-4 years ago.
The closest team is in Philadelphia.

He says to me, "where were you three years ago? we could have used you."

I'm going to see a game.

I am going to see a quad rugby game.


Saturday, June 25, 2005

Park Police Man part 2

Okay, I'm home now.

At work, Park Police Man asked me, "Wanna make out?"
It came out of nowhere, and stunned the crap out of me. All that was going through my head was:

"That's so unprofessional!"

I think my silence offended him, 'cause he said I was taking entirely too long to answer the question. I know he was kidding, but still...

I hate being caught off guard.

And it's been so long since anyone kissed me. I mean, REALLY kissed me. With love, from the bottom of their soul. And it wouldn't have been him. So no, I'm not interested in making out with you.

Just for the sake of argument, allow me to reiterate that he and I will *never* be an item, a subject which we actually revisited tonight, which ended in the confirmation that he and I will just torment each other verbally until one of us either gets married or moves.

Man, he pushes my buttons!!!!
And you know something? He's not even all that cute anymore. He was cuter two years ago. I wonder what happened. Oh well. He still has nice arms though... but he has a baby gut now...

Now I just want to be kissed. For real, kissed. Have the wind knocked out of me, have my blood cells electrify... Why did he have to remind me what I was missing? Now I can't get the romantic notion of being held by a man & kissed... the Rhett Butler/Scarlet O'Hara Hamilton Kennedy Butler way.


Park Police Man

I'm here, at work. There's a dance recital in the concert hall, with two shows at 3 and 6. There's a wedding reception going on in the multi-purpose room. Briscoe, as usual, is working the wedding reception. I see him, and ask, "What time does your gig start?" To which he replies:

"[Park Police Man] will be here today."

Oh, Briscoe! That's not what I asked you! I know you think Park Police Man and I are good together, I know you think we should go out, but all we'd do is bicker at each other. Who wants to bicker 24-7? The thing I like about Park Police Man is that we pick each other's brains. We're both witty, and we have great banter. The problem is, he and I have done the same dance for years. YEARS. It took what, five years of bickering to exchange numbers, another year of bickering to actually call, and now, we're still bickering.

Besides, he said once that he expects something in a relationship that I'm just not willing to dish out. Since then, I put him on my "he's cute, but we're not gonna go out" list.

He can work his way under my skin though. We do that to each other, push each other's buttons. I think we tickle Briscoe when we do that. But I dont think he realizes that when Park Police Man & I do that, that we've moved into serious, and we aren't playing anymore.

Up until last year, Park Police Man was my safe flirt buddy. I saw him maybe once a month, for 4 hours, and we'd catch up, and he'd put down whatever boyfriend I had at the time, then we'd fight, and part completely exasperated. Then we'd do it all over again the next time we saw each other. Now... something's changed, and I can't put my finger on it. Maybe he has a girlfriend now. I don't know. If he does, good for him. If it was me, we'd kill each other.

It's funny... the story of what made me call him in the first place... well, that's a story for another day...

So in the end, Briscoe, Park Police Man and I will never happen. Nice try, though.

Never Settle

In relationships, never settle.
If it feels like it's not going to work out, leave. Don't prolong the inevitable. Why convince yourself to stay in something that isn't benefiting you? Because you're scared of being alone? Well, if you're tied up with someone, how can the right one and you get together?

While you may have to kiss a lot of frogs to find the right one for you, remember that sometimes, a frog is just a frog. Some frogs even get slick and get their warts lasered off, or wear a spray painted crown. In the end, it's still not real gold.

< editor's note: the author is aware that *toads* have warts, and not frogs. >

I feel like, if no one ever settled, it would make everyone actualy have to work for their relationships. It would revolutionize the process!

Women: if we didn't settle, imagine the reforms that men would have to make to their social structure in order to treat us properly. Why is it that when a gentleman has good manners, I'm surprised? I shouldn't be. Why do I accept people who call my house knowing that I'm not the only person who lives there and say, "can I talk to banafsheh?" Not, "Hello, this is ___ is banafsheh available?" or "How are you today? I'm fine, thank you. I was wondering if banafsheh was around?" I mean, have we really gotten so bad in this society of instant gratification that we've lost basic manners? WTF?? I SHOULD NOT BE SHOCKED SPEECHLESS OR SUSPICIOUS WHEN A MAN TREATS ME HOW I DESERVE TO BE TREATED.

If you need a reminder in how you should be treated, I'll direct you to my good friend, Besu, who has made it his life's aim to ruin it for all the other chaps out there by treating a lady SO well, that thereafter she'll be thinking, "he's nice, but he's not like... BESU..."

Men: If you didn't settle, we'd have to reform our social structure to eliminate drama. I can't really say any more than that, cause I've never been on your side of the dating field... I've just seen it from the "trusted friend of the guy who's going out with a complete loserbitch" perspective. Don't settle. She would have no ammunition if you said, "you know, you have issues, and I don't want them to rule my life anymore."

SO MANY... (all but one) of the relationships I've ever had were because I settled. I was so scared of being alone that I'd manage to have a guy lined up & liking me before the current relationship had officially dissolved. I couldn't be by myself, because I didn't like myself.

I'm starting to. I'm starting to come into my own, know what I like, know what I don't like, know what I will & won't accept, what I can & cannot live with. Yesterday, on AMC, Tad Martin told JR Chandler, "Forgiveness is the ability to love someone despite their sins". When you love someone, you forgive a lot, but that doesnt mean you ignore signs.

The first boyfriend I ever had was emotionally and mentally abusive to me, and physically abusive to himself & inatimate objects. I forgave him for that for our first YEAR together. If I'd have forgiven it any longer, I'd have been dead before high school. Of course, when I broke that off, I ran to the first person who had any interest in me, and promptly made his life hell. (Sorry, Seth... I never quite got over how wrong that was)

Never settle. If you settle, you take yourself out of the equation before you solve the problem. I mean, you can love someone with your whole heart and still not be IN love with them. And that's okay. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for that. Never settle.

Hold out for the right one. You'll know. And then, it will be the absolute best time of your life. Love is simple. WE make it complicated.


Friday, June 24, 2005

or maybe it's just that...

Really, I think I confuse men because no matter what happens, no matter what I say, or what we do, I don't have sex with them.

That's gotta be why they're so confused.

"wait, i'm hot, she's hot, why aren't we doing it?"

'Cause i'm not interested in having our hotness cancel out and wind up having your ugly babies.

That's why.


Thursday, June 23, 2005

Why Me?

I'll begin by saying I have no idea how or where to begin.
I've sat at this computer for a while now, and before I sat at the computer I churned the words over in my head, trying to figure out a way to not sound conceited.

I can't think of one, which leads me to the conclusion that I am conceited, else I'd have thought of another way by now.

Example: It's actually 12:17 am 06/25/04, but I'm leaving the timestamp as the 23rd, because that's when I actually started writing this.

Enough with the rambling... here's my point:

I think I was put on this earth to confuse men.

I can't explain it any other way.

At this present time in History, all I want to do is meet new people. Make contacts. Widen my friendship circle, which, up until this point, has consisted of two people: My Mother, and Trusty Best Friend Matt.

Except that, when I make these new friends, they end up liking me. Romantically, it seems, which is flattering and all, but so far from what I want... This even happened in High School, I'd have friends, and then apparently someone would like me beyond the plutonic, and I couldn't or wouldn't say no, and then we'd end up going out, and then I'd realize I made a mistake, because I didn't want to be in a relationship, so I'd sabotage it so he'd leave.

The idiotic part to all of this is that deep down, I like the attention. Who doesn't want to feel popular? But I *don't* want to have tons of boys falling in love with me. < editor's note/disclaimer: That's the conceited part talking. At present, only three people in the past two weeks have mentioned anything along the lines of interest in the author, not "tons", which is in fact a weight measurement and therefore grammatically incorrect. >

It's a figure of speech.
< editor's note: It's still incorrect. >

Moving on...

Why is it that this always happens when I say I'm not interested in seeing anyone? When I sign myself off, I find out people want to know how I feel about them. The thing I can't seem to understand is, why me? I'm normal. What's so special about me?

I wish I knew. This is why I always dreamed of myself with a musician or poet for a husband. He'd write me songs telling me how wonderful I am, and how he can't live without me, and sappy lyrics that would make me roll my eyes like, "my heart beats in rhythm with the way you move, move faster and I'm racing; stop and I'll die".

Wait, that's good...

But anyways, I was talking to a friend of mine, and he said that everyone has a love language. Different people express love in different ways (duh), but he introduced a new concept to me that day: How you show love and how you need to be loved could be different. I hadn't really considered that. So now I'm thinking that how I show friendship is being interpreted as how I show love. Well, I do the same things for my friends that I would do for my boyfriend or husband... just minus any physical stuff. I mean, I cook & iron for my friends... Poor guys, I'm setting them up to think I only like them... Anyways, we came to the conclusion that I need to have it verbalized, but backed up by action. But definetly verbalized. You can show me you love me all you want, I need that verbal confirmation just as the official "no, you're not misunderstanding that I cooked you dinner, took out the trash, cleaned the gutters, re-sided the house, and got us tickets for the opening night performance at Arena Stage. I love you! Did you get the flowers I sent to your work?"

Honestly? I *don't* have to hear it all the time. I NEED to see it. Thoughtful stuff, little stuff.

Now, for the reciprocation, how I show love is with how much I care. And the little stuff. The more lint I pick off your shirt before we leave to go somewhere, the more I care. And I say it when I mean it. And I'm a huge cuddler. I'm physical. It's a habit I've been trying to break, which is another reason why I'm on relationship hiatus. Taureans are sensual by nature, and geminis talk alot. So I'm caught in the middle. I wanna hold conversations while I cook. Some days, I don't want to talk at all (read into that what you will). Other days, if it's too quiet, I feel like I'm gonna explode. And I support. I support like there's no tomorrow. Because when I fall in love with a person, a huge chunk of what I fall in love with is that person's potential. The more potential I see, the easier it is for me to fall in love with them.

I'm giving my future whoever advice again. For me, two things work:
1. Support me. When I'm having a crap day, support me. When I'm feeling down, support me. When I'm feeling bloated, support me. If I have a problem with someone in my life, support me. If you feel you need to correct me, suppress it. Do yourself a favor, and wait until I'm absolutely finished ranting. Then support me. I might listen to reason by that point.
2. Don't try to fix my problems. If I'm letting off steam, unless I preface my tirade of how life sucks with a derivative of "can you help me work this out?" or "what do you think about ___", stay out of it. I really don't want your opinion. I just want to vent. If you REALLY have to say something, I suggest waiting a few minutes, and saying something like, "you know, I was thinking about what you said earlier, about ____, and what do you think would happen if you _____?" That way, I know youre listening, and there for me, and supportive in me making a decision that will benefit me in the long run.

I get really peeved when some guy tries to fix my life when I don't ask him to. I know guys are "fixers" by nature, they see a problem, and they just want to fix it, and I respect that instinct, honest, I do, but with me it's completely counter-productive. Sometimes, I don't want to be fixed, I just want to vent. It could be something that is done & over with, I just happen to still be sore about it. Trying to fix it will only make it worse.

So, I still have no idea why guys like me. I'm glad they do and all, I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd rather be at "why do boys like me" than at "why *don't* they"... But I mean, I guess I just want to know what makes me special, and no one's been able to tell me what that is.

That's it. I just want to know what makes me special.
Maybe I'm frustrated that there's more than one, but I don't want more than one, I want ONE. MY ONE.

Again, I understand that I confuse, because here I am saying that I'm off limits, then saying that I'm holding out for the one, which I can't find if I'm off limits.
I'm well aware of my contradictory nature. I just feel like, right now, I'm not in a super pressure-y place where I HAVE to be interested in anyone. If it happens, it'll happen.

I give up. I have no more energy. Literally.


/end rant

For now.


Wednesday, June 22, 2005

A New Discovery

I discovered/realized something about myself.
I am a complete idiot on the phone.

The good news is, I just saved 15% on my car insurance.

I have no idea why that joke cracks me up. It's not even that funny.

Okay as to being an idiot on the phone, I think it stems from my days as a Stage Manager. Honestly. I'm so used to calling people and having a purpose that I don't know how to just bs on the phone. I *can't stand* bs on the phone. Maybe that's why I *can't stand* when people call me for no reason, or think that they'll get to know me on the phone.

I was talking to a friend of mine tonight, who was helping me use this software that rips to .mp3 instead of Media Player, and it got to the point where I was just scared to troubleshoot this one part myself, so he called me to walk me through the process. Then, after we were done, I was ready to hang up. I mean, he called to walk me through the process of changing a media player file to an .mp3. He did it. We're done. But we talked for a while longer. That's when I started to feel like an idiot. I distinctly remember thinking, "do I sound as dumb as I feel?"

I really have no idea how to talk to people on the phone without purpose.
Another example. I called Besu to tell him to break a leg on his performance. He answered, I said "Break a leg" and he said, "that's it?"
Yeah, that was it. I just called to say that. I'd have left a message, but he picked up. Is that wrong? I mean, I didn't intend to have a conversation with him. I just wanted to say, "break a leg tonight", and I did. Then I hung up.

Is that wrong? I think I surprise people with that.

I also learned tonight that I can't take a compliment.
"You look nice today" I can take.
"I like the way you support your mom" I can't take.

Stuff like that... Maybe it's too personal for me, but it's hard to take. I don't know how to take nice stuff about my personality. Stick to telling me I'm pretty, let me roll my eyes at that. I'm a nice person? What? Uh, thanks. What do you want?

Don't people usually want something when they get all complimentary with personal stuff? That's been my experience anyways.


I am my own uncharted territory.


Sunday, June 19, 2005

someone to watch over me

I want to tell a story, but I can't cause it's incriminating.
So I'll just say this.

My best friend has found a girl. And I know he's serious about her because if he wasn't, he wouldnt have told me.

I'm excited for him, cause he deserves the best. He really deserves a girl who can be everything he needs.

I'm sad for me because my support stucture will be busy supporting someone else, but that's what happens.

Now for the incriminating story which I can't tell... all I can say is that I realized that I missed someone today. And driving home, the only thing on my mind was getting home to talk to him, since I havent in two days.

Jesus, what's wrong with me?


ps, about my last post, with the date, turns out there is nothing to worry about. He doesn't have my phone number, so he has no way of contacting me. =D. I got all worked up over nothing. Thanks, Ric, for pointing that out! Besides, he didn't show up to his performance today, which is VERY unprofessional. So even if he WAS old enough, I wouldnt go out with him now, cause his work ethic sucks.

Besides, I like my reason to come home, anyways. =)

Saturday, June 18, 2005

how they get you

Okay. I'm not seeing anyone right now, and it's by choice.
I need a break from nasty little headgames, and adolescent tirades.
And I'm sick of people whose actions don't match their words.

Thing is, I'm terrified of people whose actions DO match their words.
ESPECIALLY when I don't reciprocate the feelings.

Today, I got snared into a date. I think. I'm not even sure yet.

He asks, "What are you doing Friday night?"
Why didn't I see that coming? It's the perfect trap. If she says "nothing", you follow it up with a proposition. WHY DID I NOT SEE THIS COMING???

I take a long time to ponder this question, and to actually (God, I'm dumb) mentally sift through my calendar & see if I'm free. I answer truthfully [does anyone even do that anymore?? Why didn't I lie?]
"nothing, why?" Honest to God, I thought he was gonna say, "because we're having a party, wanna come?"

He asks me to dinner.

I flub something about having to check my calendar for sure, and realize that I just gave a MAYBE to a definite NO. I really have to learn how to just say no. I'm far too passive-agressive. It gets me in trouble. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with the guy, but he's 20... I mean, he can't even technically get into clubs, and 4 years younger is just impossible for the girl who can't even imagine going out with someone 4 MONTHS younger. It's nothing against the guy, I mean it's not his fault he's only 20, but there's no way...

Meanwhile, I'm attempting to suppress my inner gold-digger, who sees nothing wrong with a free meal.


Friday, June 17, 2005

Walking Contradiction

Okay, I just heard it again. I'm talking to my friend, who just decided to open up & tell me he likes me after years of silence. And distance, really, since we only really saw each other once a year at Thanksgiving...

I told him the truth. I was flattered. I'm not really on the market right now, but it's nice to know. And he told me something I completely respect. "I think about you too much." He needed to know if I liked him back or not so he could utilize his energy elsewhere if it wasn't worth his time. I completely respect that, and know, firsthand, how crappy that feeling is when you're telling someone that. I never rule out anyone, because you never know, but I did reiterate that I'm not in a position right now to see anyone. Which also sucks, because it's not really an answer. It's like giving a timeline to someone's hopes. It's not fair. I'm sorry that my non-answer is the best I can do.

Anyways, we were hanging out at a different conference, and during a brief reminisce about that he mentioned that one of the people there liked me, blah blah blah and then just said that he thinks that person A has never met anyone like me before.

THERE IT IS AGAIN!! The "never met anyone like you before" statement. To which I replied, "What am I, a walking contradiction?" I mean... This stuff is great, it's GREAT to think you're unique and original, but when you start to hear it all the time, you start wondering... is something WRONG with me? Am I different in the OTHER way???

But then he replied, "no, a person with substance". Which is... the ultimate compliment I think. I mean, in this crazy world of superficiality, it's GREAT to be called, "a person with substance".

Now back to griping.

So, this guy, Person A, apparently declared that he was interested in me back at the conference. This sort of thing turns me off. It's one thing to say, "I think i'm interested in ____". Then, it's still everyone for themselves, but at least people know who the competition is. It's quite another to declare it. That's like laying out your turf or something. What's that about?!

Another thing that rubs me the wrong way is when people call for no reason. Have a reason to call me. Empty "I'm interested in you, let's talk to see if we have anything in common" does not go far with me. Have a purpose. Example, "I hear you're starting a forum where artists can come together and release samples of their work for communal critique. Is there anything I can do to assist in that endeavour?" This starts a dialogue with me. This gives you a REASON to talk to me, and for me to talk BACK to you. If I really have no reason to be on the phone, I'd rather not be. Empty phone calling is out. I mean, you could call and say, "I was calling to see how you were doing, I understand that you weren't doing too well at the conference. Do you feel better?" But make sure you mean it! Then I'll get mad because I know you don't really care if I feel well or not, you just want to talk to me in the hopes that it'll go somewhere.

Okay, end of griping.

The moral is, have a point, and mean what you say. That is the only way to crack the banafsheh code.


Tuesday, June 14, 2005

things men say

Okay... last night I was talking to a new friend of mine and he said that he'd never met anyone like me before.

Is that a line?

I asked my best friend if I was unique, and he said he's never met anyone on my same realm before, let alone like me.

Aside from the immediate surge of flattery that ensues from hearing one has an entire realm to oneself, there immediately follows a sense of lonliness. If I have my own realm, no one can share it with me.

Then, it makes me feel like only a special kind of man can share my world with me. Really, my best friend does wonders for my self esteem. He's the first to tell me when men don't deserve me, as I am the first to tell him when people in his life aren't treating him with the respect he deserves.

So back to my realm, I really feel like whoever I end up with has to have presence, a strong sense of self, love for me and humanity, a desire to serve the world, a love (or at least respect) for the arts, a good work ethic, and a strong sense of spirituality. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to find a guy. Cause he has to have his own realm too. Then our relationship will be like a Venn Diagram.

At this particular moment, the most important things to me in the relationship are spirituality and attractiveness. In any order, one will get my attention, the other will carry it the rest of the way.

I like having my own realm. Now, all I want is someone to inhabit a piece of it with.


Sunday, June 05, 2005


How do I start this?

I consider dating process of elimination. You meet people with the objective to determine wether or not you can live your lives together. Sometimes people ignore the obvious and keep trying to change themselves to match someone they want to be with, which never works, or the opposite and try to change the other person becasue they like two traits but can't stand the rest, or they see the warning lights when it's too soon to tell & stop anything before it even chances to exist. I've tried them. Neither are the answer.

I guess it all comes down to the one line everyone says but no one really tries, "just be yourself". It used to be hard for me to do that, because my response would be, "but what if he doesn't like who I am?"

That's such an insecure answer! I don't think like that anymore... As a result of that, I've found I have no time for doublespeak anymore. Guys who say what they think you want to hear, to get out of a situation they feel uncomfortable in.

Here's an example:

Recently, I had a guy tell me, "you'll make someone a great girlfriend one day."
I had to walk away from that, because...
1. I already know I'll make someone a great girlfriend. Further, I know I'll make someone a great wife, so there was really no point in stating the obvious.
2. Unless the next words out of his mouth were, "it sucks that I have to leave so soon after meeting you. We should keep in touch, maybe something might happen some day" I really didn't want to hear the end of the sentence. Although there was no end of the sentence. That was it. I mean... what the heck was the point of that?
3. It sounded like such a "well, it's been fun" and the trip wasn't even completely over yet. People normally wait until they're never going to see the person again before they say stuff like that. The rest of the trip felt so awkward after he said that.
4. Was he saying what he thought I wanted to hear? I hate that. I learned early, never say what you think the other person wants to hear, because chances are, you'll either confuse them, piss them off, or make them like you more, which will only hurt them in the long run and that's completely unproductive.
5. WTF? Who says that? The day before he'd told me, "I like you, and I don't care who knows" so... WTF?? See #4. Completely confused.

Really, I think I was just the lesser of the evils for him. Maybe he liked me better than he liked the other girls by default, and the futher we got from them, the more he came to his senses.

I still think he's cute (he has really powerful eyes), and I think we could have a strong friendship. I also think I knocked any chance of that when I emailed him that I didn't want to like someone who wasn't going to like me back (geez, that sounds so... middle school). Seriously though, what's the point in being the only one in a relationship? And by relationship I mean any of the different kinds, romantic, plutonic, familial... What's the point in being the only one in it? I liked a guy once, really really really liked him, and he said things he must have thought I wanted to hear and I believed him until finally, with the help of Trusty Best Friend, I realized that I was the only one in the relationship and that the guy didn't really like me how I deserved to be liked.

And that feeling SUCKS.

So I did the only thing I thought I could do. I prematurely stopped any possibility of developing feelings for this guy. I think I could have been more tactful, sure, but he'll never talk to me again, so... I guess I don't have to worry about it.



Saturday, June 04, 2005

I say a little prayer for you

I just wanted to share this prayer. It's become my mantra lately, with everything that's been going on. I'm staying upbeat... I have to, else I'd go crazy...

Well, here you are. I hope it helps you, cause it's been helping me.


O God! Refresh and gladden my spirit. Purify my heart. Illumine my powers. I lay all my affairs in Thy hand. Thou art my Guide and my Refuge. I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved; I will be a happy and joyful being. O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety, nor will I let trouble harass me. I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.

O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself. I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.

- 'Abdu'l-Bahá

(Compilations, Baha'i Prayers, p. 150)

pour some salt on me...

Okay so pretty much everyone who knows me has heard of the chain of events that has surrounded my life for the past two months.

So, I add this to the pot of all of that:

My mom's going in to surgery this week or next to remove a lump from her breast. *SO* I'm breathing, heavily, because I'm not entirely sure what else to do. It could be nothing. Right? I'm sure it's nothing.