Thursday, June 23, 2005

Why Me?

I'll begin by saying I have no idea how or where to begin.
I've sat at this computer for a while now, and before I sat at the computer I churned the words over in my head, trying to figure out a way to not sound conceited.

I can't think of one, which leads me to the conclusion that I am conceited, else I'd have thought of another way by now.

Example: It's actually 12:17 am 06/25/04, but I'm leaving the timestamp as the 23rd, because that's when I actually started writing this.

Enough with the rambling... here's my point:

I think I was put on this earth to confuse men.

I can't explain it any other way.

At this present time in History, all I want to do is meet new people. Make contacts. Widen my friendship circle, which, up until this point, has consisted of two people: My Mother, and Trusty Best Friend Matt.

Except that, when I make these new friends, they end up liking me. Romantically, it seems, which is flattering and all, but so far from what I want... This even happened in High School, I'd have friends, and then apparently someone would like me beyond the plutonic, and I couldn't or wouldn't say no, and then we'd end up going out, and then I'd realize I made a mistake, because I didn't want to be in a relationship, so I'd sabotage it so he'd leave.

The idiotic part to all of this is that deep down, I like the attention. Who doesn't want to feel popular? But I *don't* want to have tons of boys falling in love with me. < editor's note/disclaimer: That's the conceited part talking. At present, only three people in the past two weeks have mentioned anything along the lines of interest in the author, not "tons", which is in fact a weight measurement and therefore grammatically incorrect. >

It's a figure of speech.
< editor's note: It's still incorrect. >

Moving on...

Why is it that this always happens when I say I'm not interested in seeing anyone? When I sign myself off, I find out people want to know how I feel about them. The thing I can't seem to understand is, why me? I'm normal. What's so special about me?

I wish I knew. This is why I always dreamed of myself with a musician or poet for a husband. He'd write me songs telling me how wonderful I am, and how he can't live without me, and sappy lyrics that would make me roll my eyes like, "my heart beats in rhythm with the way you move, move faster and I'm racing; stop and I'll die".

Wait, that's good...

But anyways, I was talking to a friend of mine, and he said that everyone has a love language. Different people express love in different ways (duh), but he introduced a new concept to me that day: How you show love and how you need to be loved could be different. I hadn't really considered that. So now I'm thinking that how I show friendship is being interpreted as how I show love. Well, I do the same things for my friends that I would do for my boyfriend or husband... just minus any physical stuff. I mean, I cook & iron for my friends... Poor guys, I'm setting them up to think I only like them... Anyways, we came to the conclusion that I need to have it verbalized, but backed up by action. But definetly verbalized. You can show me you love me all you want, I need that verbal confirmation just as the official "no, you're not misunderstanding that I cooked you dinner, took out the trash, cleaned the gutters, re-sided the house, and got us tickets for the opening night performance at Arena Stage. I love you! Did you get the flowers I sent to your work?"

Honestly? I *don't* have to hear it all the time. I NEED to see it. Thoughtful stuff, little stuff.

Now, for the reciprocation, how I show love is with how much I care. And the little stuff. The more lint I pick off your shirt before we leave to go somewhere, the more I care. And I say it when I mean it. And I'm a huge cuddler. I'm physical. It's a habit I've been trying to break, which is another reason why I'm on relationship hiatus. Taureans are sensual by nature, and geminis talk alot. So I'm caught in the middle. I wanna hold conversations while I cook. Some days, I don't want to talk at all (read into that what you will). Other days, if it's too quiet, I feel like I'm gonna explode. And I support. I support like there's no tomorrow. Because when I fall in love with a person, a huge chunk of what I fall in love with is that person's potential. The more potential I see, the easier it is for me to fall in love with them.

I'm giving my future whoever advice again. For me, two things work:
1. Support me. When I'm having a crap day, support me. When I'm feeling down, support me. When I'm feeling bloated, support me. If I have a problem with someone in my life, support me. If you feel you need to correct me, suppress it. Do yourself a favor, and wait until I'm absolutely finished ranting. Then support me. I might listen to reason by that point.
2. Don't try to fix my problems. If I'm letting off steam, unless I preface my tirade of how life sucks with a derivative of "can you help me work this out?" or "what do you think about ___", stay out of it. I really don't want your opinion. I just want to vent. If you REALLY have to say something, I suggest waiting a few minutes, and saying something like, "you know, I was thinking about what you said earlier, about ____, and what do you think would happen if you _____?" That way, I know youre listening, and there for me, and supportive in me making a decision that will benefit me in the long run.

I get really peeved when some guy tries to fix my life when I don't ask him to. I know guys are "fixers" by nature, they see a problem, and they just want to fix it, and I respect that instinct, honest, I do, but with me it's completely counter-productive. Sometimes, I don't want to be fixed, I just want to vent. It could be something that is done & over with, I just happen to still be sore about it. Trying to fix it will only make it worse.

So, I still have no idea why guys like me. I'm glad they do and all, I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd rather be at "why do boys like me" than at "why *don't* they"... But I mean, I guess I just want to know what makes me special, and no one's been able to tell me what that is.

That's it. I just want to know what makes me special.
Maybe I'm frustrated that there's more than one, but I don't want more than one, I want ONE. MY ONE.

Again, I understand that I confuse, because here I am saying that I'm off limits, then saying that I'm holding out for the one, which I can't find if I'm off limits.
I'm well aware of my contradictory nature. I just feel like, right now, I'm not in a super pressure-y place where I HAVE to be interested in anyone. If it happens, it'll happen.

I give up. I have no more energy. Literally.


/end rant

For now.


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