Friday, February 29, 2008

danger, will robinson

I'm not strong enough to be with you.
If I was, I wouldn't have sacrificed so much of my self to be with you, or compromised so much of who I am, and who I want to be.

I've put myself in this position, because I'm not strong enough to say no to you.

In a way, Rikki's right.



balls to the wall

Everyone's telling me I'm doing the right thing.
The corgi, worrell, cc, ritah, boyd, beatty...
and I expected rikki to as well.

She didn't.

She made me reflect that maybe i'm not in the best place for me to be. That in staying here, I'm not staying true to myself.

Why is this so complicated?


Tuesday, February 26, 2008

look but don't touch

We stand
looking at each other
In another time and space
We'd be in each other's arms
Lover's embrace
Cheek to Cheek
1940s Hollywood style
You'd whisper
I'd whisper
"dearest I'm yours"
and the screen would go black
and everyone would know what happened
and no one would dare speak it aloud.

It's not 1940
and we remain
with decades of unspoken sweet nothings
splashing in drops on the cold pavement between us
In a moment
we might touch
and that moment
would change everything

and so we remain

breaking up is hard to do

There was a man.
For a while, it was great.
Then something changed. I think he stopped being himself. Upon reflection, during our mammoth two-week breakup conversations, he mentioned something that I've since realised (potentially) meant that he was overanalyzing things that I've said. Maybe, to a small extent, he was trying to conform to what I wanted, or rather, what he thought I wanted.

He couldn't have been happy.

Thing is, *I* was happiest when *he* was happy. Maybe he was never happy, who knows. Maybe he just felt sorry for me. Who knows. I surely don't. Anything is better than this anti-explanation I got. When he was himself, it was all about the little things he did. In fact, it was always about the little things he did. He didn't have to tell me he loved me, I saw it and felt it in the way he was always, ALWAYS there for me.

Maybe he just had a greater sense of duty and it wasn't love at all.

I can't wrap my head around it, all I know is that it still hurts. When people ask, and I tell them, they say that he was cheating, or wanted someone else. I tell them not to say that because I choose to believe that he would never do anything like that. But then I think, if that's true, then my time with him was spent for whatever growth we both had to do and I hope he's with the woman who can make him happy in ways I apparently never can.

It's still sad, and it still hurts. It hurts having a man tell you that you're not enough, and that he couldn't feel your love. I'm not sure I'll get over that... not in a week anyway.

He said once, "do you want to hit me?" and he in effect gave me permission, and how do you tell the person "why would you think I'd want to hit you when all I want to do is go back to three days ago and kiss you and hold you and be held?"

How can I hit you? How can you suggest that?

So in the end, that's my mystery, my karma, to never know what I did to make him leave. And here I was, thinking, finally, someone to break it.

But instead, somehow, I did something to break *it*.

So he's gone, and there's supposed to be some long line of suitors, but I don't see one. What there is, is a man who is going through basically the same heartache I am (albeit on a MUCH grander scale) who I can confide in, and who gives me attention, effectively bringing me out of this funk when he's around.

I guess I'm working out my tantrums now, I've already been vicious on my blog, when I really had no right being that way, I suppose.

I just miss my friend, even at the friend level (which I'm completely not prepared for yet)... I just miss him. I miss my sounding board of logic. I miss the man who protected me verbally. Who said "you're the kind of girl that if people don't like, there's something wrong with THEM," who gave me two beautiful bouquets... One when I was in the hospital, and the other, my second favourite, when I made the comment that it'd been a while since I'd received flowers, and by the time I saw him, he'd pulled off some tree blossoms & fashioned them into a makeshift bouquet... rather, I think the correct term would be nosegay.

I loved it. Still do. And that singular gesture was so romantic... Which is why it stung when he said romance was fake, and a way to game up women.

Fast forward to the breakup, when I make the (ill-fated) comment that through all the talking, I'm not getting the impression he's trying to win me back.

The next day, I have roses at work.

I don't like roses. They're pedestrian. And they're not him. They're not me, and they're not him. They were a shut-up gesture. And it backfired on his part, because it was more of a slap to the face, to receive flowers in such creative fashion, when he was happy (if ever) or at least when I didn't stress him out so much... to the gesture of "here. This is typical. I'm sorry."

Anyways, I hope he doesn't read this, because the range when I write about him is so varied... One day I'm mega-strong, the other I'm pensive and refliecting. I hope he doesn't take any thing I write here personally if he does (which I hope he doesn't... I can't bring myself to read his, because I'm not over him yet... if he reads mine it's almost as if he can because he's over me... which is fine, to each his own, and who knows maybe he already has moved on with a new someone special. I wish I was that lucky) because I'm still working through my pain.
It's not personal, it's just painful, and since this is where I let stuff out, there you have it.

He's a wonderful person. I wish I could have been more of what he needed.

I'm not.


Saturday, February 23, 2008

Feeling alone

I feel awful about the post I made about my ex. I wasn't in a particularly good mood when I wrote it, but there it is.

He's a good person, and we were good friends, but I don't know what happened.
There are days I reflect (I know I shouldn't) and I get caught up in the rejection and it hurts. It hurts to know that someone you loved told you your love was not only not enough, but that they didn't feel it was genuine.

How can you tell a person that has done nothing else but put you first that you think they don't care about you at all?

I've said that had he just said "I want to be single" and left it at that, my feelings would have been completely different. I'd have accepted that, as I did. Because being in a relationship is completely different from being single, or even from having friends with benefits. There are different norms and pathways and acceptable behaviours involved that didn't have to be considered before. Certain freedoms that must be compromised or sacrificed. Not everyone wants to make that sacrifice. So had he left it at "I think I want to be single," I'd have been able to rationalise that and be fine.

In fact, I was fine. I was sad, and a little hurt, but by the time I saw him again that evening, I was fine.

And then we tried to work it out.

Two weeks of limbo, and then the gem where he looks at me and says he felt that I didn't really care about him. Of all the things he could have said to me, that is the most insulting. The second most insulting is the "you have so many people waiting to take my place. You'll be fine."

That's crock. How can you tell someone who has loved you that you're easy to replace? And that they'll have no trouble replacing you? That's offensive, not only to the person whose love you've just insulted, but also to the relationship itself. And I get that you're trying to soften the blow or whatever, but golly.

Through everything, the part that has been a recurring slap in my face has been the comment that he felt I didn't really care about him. When I told my mom that, she was like, "so you took him to get an eye exam, and to get a massage and bought him all that stuff because you don't care about him?"

That's how I feel. I made you my world, and you say I don't care.

It hurts.

And there are moments when I stop and reflect on it, and the hurt comes back, and I feel alone. Maybe I'm not over it yet. That comment has wounded me deeper than I expected it to.

I never want to hear the words "you dont care about me" from anyone. Ever. Again.


Friday, February 22, 2008

he broke down

and let me into his inner circle.
not completely
but just enough to know that dude is going through some stuff.
serious stuff.
and i can only pray that i can give him the support he needs.

that's really all i can do for anyone.
try to support.


Monday, February 18, 2008

because paris spits truth

The following is taken from Paris' blog without editing.


Whenever she leaves I cry.
I don't love her, but whenever she leaves I cry. She always has the same routine, wakes up, wraps a sheet around her naked body, goes to the shower, comes back in, opens the curtains, kisses me, gets dressed and leaves.
She knows I cry, and I know she doesn't like it, but how can I not cry when beauty leaves the room with the door wide open?
I see her often enough that I haven't even got time to miss her, but I...
I don't know why I cry.

We talk about everything. I tell her when I lose my battle and start starving myself again, she tells me when she loses her battle and eats everything in the fridge. She laughs, and I laugh, but in my mind I'm saying, I wish that was my problem 'cause then I wouldn't be this hungry. And she reads and, my mind, and she says "I know you want to eat. I know it. I know it, Paris." And it tears me apart.
I want to. I just can't.

She reads me. She reads all inside of me. She knows what I want and what I need. I need food, but I want her.

She's like me. No falling in love. No commitment. No getting hurt another round. No tears on expensive pillowcases. No love letters that no one will ever read. No sobbing. No getting fat from eating pints and pints of ice-cream and drinking pints and pints of rum. Love always ends, and ended love is always gruesome.

When I think of how Tah can do it again after being torn so badly, walk up to love again and say "Give me what you've got. I'll take it.", I want to hold her in advance to soften the blow. But then I see what he is to her, how he loves her, how it's nothing like that scum of the earth she dated before, nothing like the guy before that, he's new and wonderful. When I see how she's happy, it makes me want to be happy too. But still I'm scared for her, how she can wake up damaged, crying to me in tears I can't ever bear to see again and be ready for love in no time. I tell her she should wait and she says wait for what? And I say wait for it to be out of your system, have your head clear. I tell her I could never love again after what she's been through. Being beaten within an inch of life, being raped, being deceived, but she still trusts it. And when she tells me Paris you're scared and that's okay but eventually you have to give love another chance, when she tells me Paris you have so much to give and you shouldn't be selfish and keep it to yourself, I giggle and smile but I know she's right. I've worked so hard to make myself a better person, I should be with someone. And when Fiera leaves I cry. I should be with Fiera.

I can't bear to be hurt again but I can't bear this feeling. Always wanting to touch her or hold her or kiss her or tell her she's the best thing that's ever been in my bed. I can't bear wanting to lay with her and rub my fingers against her cheek, map her body and know every spot. I want to lie with her, even if I don't get to lay with her. I want to love her until she feels it behind her eyes. I've never wanted to make someone happy so badly before. I love her, and it thrills me but it kills me.

Did I just say I love her?

Fucking hell.


Had tea w the corgi and a right chat.
Found the bear, who needs alone time atm, which stings but is good cause I've a ton of work to do, and now I can do it w/o distractions. He's a wonderful distraction, and I'd not trade him for anything, but he's a distraction nonetheless and I've simply got to learn to bog myself down & be a big girl and not let him get to me when all I want in the world is to let him get to me.


In other news, I call this bit the "Ode to My Ex:"

::clears throat::

Ode to My Ex

You made me not trust men.
You told me that the only time they say sweet things is when they've got an agenda.
I learned that romance is fake, and a game, where women are played and are not players.

I've since learned that this is because you sought to destroy something beautiful so that I'd not crave a piece of it.

I hope you find the woman who makes you gush, blush and turns you to mush.
'Cause I've found the man.

He pays attention to the little things I say. He acts out on my wants and needs. He's a true romantic at heart. It's not because he has to, but because he wants to.

Now I'm the Queen; the Queen I've always been, and will continue to be, for my reign is not determined by the presence or lack of a King at my side. In his eyes and arms, I am Queen. He oozes the charm you never had, and uses it appropriately, has always opened my chariots and carriages without question, and is a man.

You once told me that you sought to be the man that women would compare their boyfriends to, "he's alright, but he's not like _______"

I smile now, fondly even, because *he* is who you can only wish to be.

I've found the man.


Now, thing is, can I keep him? Who knows? People come into your life for a reason a season blah blah blah... I owe my ex alot. I was telling the bear earlier in January... I actually owe my ex alot because he got me through a period of my life which I needed to go through. And then he left. So, in some respects, it's like that's what he was there for. And I wouldn't trade that for the world. We may have mixed some signals, and should have stayed friends, close friends, friends with benefits, what have you, but I wouldn't trade my time with him for anything cause I'd be completely different now if not for him and our experience. The bear said that was high praise, and I said he deserved it. He does. He deserves the credit for bringing me out of my funk and basically giving me the relationship therapy I needed to exorcise some rank daemons. I'm eternally greatful for that.

But I love this romance!


Sunday, February 17, 2008

forgot to mention

I found the breaking cue.
It probably sucks now, cause it was in the garage, and that's no where near climate controlled, so I'm kinda miffed about that, but it's my breaking cue, so it's okay.

Kinda. Cause it still has to be able to give me a clean break.



we love boyd

He passed the Boyd test.
Boyd likes him, even though he hasn't met him yet. Boyd has to meet him. Not because Boyd has expressed this interest, but because I want him to meet Boyd.

But so far, he passed the Boyd test. Boyd wants whatever makes me happy.



More for the fans:

one ring.
him: hello?
me: I just had to hear your voice.
him: I was just thinking about you.
me: really?
him: Yeah, I was sitting here rereading your text message that you sent earlier.

He's good to me. Last night we had an argument over who is better to whom. We're losers.

In other news, I can't find my breaking cue.
How pissed am I?

b, who is very pissed.

For the fans:

Last night I found out how involved I was going to be this weekend. There's a situation at the moment... call it a detour to happiness. Now, the bear knows what's going on. I told him as soon as I could muster the courage... which happened to be the day before I knew I'd see him, cause I wouldn't be able to look him in the face and I wanted him to know why.


So last night I'm informed that I'd be participating more than I expected, in the middle of a convo w/ the bear. And I had to run out on him, and I hated it. It ended up being a false alarm, but when I got home, I called him to see if he was okay, cause I hated the way I had to run out and leave things. And he kept saying, "I'm okay. Are YOU okay?" because he never lets me worry about him when he's trying to worry about me, and he says "I will be okay in this. Because I know where your head is. I know what you want, and I know that you don't want this. So I am not worried that we will be together. At least, I'm trying not to worry. We will be together."

And I realise that he has this security in the truth, he listened to me, and believes me and takes his comfort in the knowledge that all of this is temporary. I draw my strength from him.

Then there was the night where we asked each other how we make each other happy and he said, "the reason why I do what I do for you, why I touch you the way I do... is because I want you to feel a tiny bit of the happiness that you make me feel."

And there's this moment where I look into his eyes, to judge this on the bullshit meter, and he looks serious, and the only thing I can do, because he's wounded me by saying something so honest and sweet is push him away and say,

"oh, you're gooood. you're very good at the bs"
and he's like "it's not bs!"

it fucking better not be.


Saturday, February 16, 2008


Lay a little groundwork for love as the week gets started, and by the time Valentine's Day arrives, everything's coming up roses! What you need is a well-thought-out plan -- and since (let's admit it) planning isn't exactly your forte, get some help from your more practically minded friends. With your romantic instinct and their planning powers, well, you can be all set to take full advantage of the amazing energy the stars send your way for Thursday (and Friday, too -- lucky you!). Everybody loves you now -- but will you back up your way with words with some follow-through? Up to you.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008


He wont let me leave.
Not that I want to, but he won't let me leave.

taurus for the week.

Don't worry -- that pain in your heart is probably just one of Cupid's arrows, and it's a piercing that looks good on you! It's an awesome week for you in matters of the heart overall, with your sex appeal especially fiery on Tuesday and Wednesday. But, again, don't worry -- Thursday (and Friday too, plus through the weekend) brings energy that's just right for letting what's on your mind and in your heart be known. Hint: Just spill it, and let what happens next take care of itself, just for the moment. Live and love a little. No, make that a lot. You're amazing.

Monday, February 11, 2008

don't you dare forget it.


Make sure you're not just being stubborn, but most likely you have a legit beef with whomever is trying to get you to hurry into a decision. If it's a love thing, slow way down.

You're feeling pretty riled up over something, and you let your people know exactly what's going on. Find a good way to tell everyone without getting preachy. They don't want to hear pontification -- just feedback.

None of this helps me.

Love that Winehouse.

Wake Up Alone

It's okay in a day, I'm staying busy
Tied up enough so I don’t have to wonder where is he
Got so sick of crying
So just lately
When I catch myself I do a 180
I stay up, clean the house
At least I'm not drinking
Run around just so I don't have to think about thinking
That silent sense of content
That everyone gets
Just disappears soon as the sun sets
His face in my dreams, seizing my guts
He floods me with dread
Soaked to the soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
Bothers my heart I'd rather be restless
The second I stop the sleep catches up and I'm breathless
Got this ache in my chest
Cuz my day is done now
The dark covers me and I cannot run now
My blood running cold I stand before him
It's all I can do to assure him
When he comes to me I drip for him tonight
Drowning in me, we bathe under blue light
His face in my dreams, seizing my guts
He floods me with dread Soaked to the soul
He swims in my eyes by the bed
Pour myself over him Moon spilling in
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone
And I wake up alone

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

on paris' blog.

And that night, she spent the night over, and there we were, sharing a bed, and she asked if I'd enjoyed the dance. We both giggled, as we always did, and she leaned over and kissed me. I asked her, and I remember this, "Why do you kiss me?" and she said, "It's better than...not kissing you."

It's better than not kissing you.
Damn. This makes me believe in love.

yahoo gemini

Daily Singles:Opinions are made to be changed, so open yourself up to just that. Is it possible that your next-door neighbor has matured since junior high, for example, or that your awkward date was just nervous? Give second chances!

Don't cry... because if you cry, I'll cry...

He had tears in his eyes.
He choked them back, but they were there.
It's heartbreaking.
They had no intention of giving his son up.
They played him all along.

It's heartbreaking.
He's heartbreaking, and I just want to take him and hug him until he lets it all out and the sun will shine again.

He laughed when we realised that all of us are taking friday off... He had a naughty moment and for a brief second he smiled and laughed.

I want to fix this for him.
I did what I could, and I'm doing what I can, but I want to fix this for him.

It's heartbreaking.


Tuesday, February 05, 2008

the end.

Well, that's that.

You know, as much as I love being single, I hate being single.


yahoo taurus

Daily Singles:Take a moment to remind yourself that you never need to settle or compromise on the traits that are most important to you. It's a good day to meditate on your ideal mate -- you'll be one step closer to finding one.

Monday, February 04, 2008

now all I have to do is get him to use contractions properly.

This morning I wake up to this on my computer screen:

hope your sleep and don't get this until you wake up


Saturday, February 02, 2008

the answer

the answer is:
it's too soon.
It's too soon and everyone seems to be rushing me. I'm not in a relationship. I don't want to *be* in a relationship at the moment. I don't want to go from one man's arms into another's I need this time to reflect and pause, and find myself again.

That said, I am willing to entertain the idea of enjoying a man's company. Wether it be at a movie, or over dinner, or lunch, having eaten out or in. But a relationship? No. Not ready for that. It'd be doomed to fail because it's too soon.

Too, too soon.


just like that, i'm cured.

me: it's spelled "ritah"
Foster: I'll update my spellcheck
regardless, she's dead on
all your blogs are screaming "look how wonderful he is? tell me its ok to love him because i can't do it myself!"
me: yeah
that's pretty much it
i need to give myself permission
Foster: and given your historyand incapablity to do so
sabotaging relationships
this is all too familiar
you need a process
me: process like what
Foster: the therapy I was talking about
I can't tell how good its been for me
and its especially good at this kind of stuff
it works like this,(this will sound a little hippy-new-age but its really not)when you have a strong emotional experience (esp a painful one)
its easy to let the feelings get 'stuck' inside you
they dont' pass through
and the memory festers
and causes all kinds of problems
processing uses visualization skills to unlock the memory and let the emotions flow out
if I had to guess, I would say that Brent hurt you so badly that the memory is eating you away, and affecting how you deal with relationshps to this day
processing would fix that
in one session

Friday, February 01, 2008

the president

so i sent the president a text and asked him for a favor.
immediately i get a text back, "anything!"
then, since i'm driving & can't respond the way I want to or as fast as he'd hope to apparently, I get another text, "what ya need, cutie?"

then I finally get to tell him the deal, and he's disappointed.
He was hoping I was stranded so he could come get me.

In a sadistic way, isn't that really sweet though?
Then he said it again, "so you dont need me to come get you?"

It's so sweet!



He called to say he made it to his destination.
He didn't have to call.
He stopped by before he left, to get a hug, and then called to say he made it safetly. I thought, "maybe, he might send me a text."

He didn't.

He called. and said that he made it in. I told him he didn't have to, and he said that he wanted to put a smile on my face and he knew calling would do that. then he said, "i did good" and I told him to cut that out because he needs to stop patting himself on the back so much.
"maybe if you stopped patting yourself on the back, I might be able to."
"are you going to start [patting me on the back]?"

we laugh.

We do that alot. Laugh. It feels good.