Last night I found out how involved I was going to be this weekend. There's a situation at the moment... call it a detour to happiness. Now, the bear knows what's going on. I told him as soon as I could muster the courage... which happened to be the day before I knew I'd see him, cause I wouldn't be able to look him in the face and I wanted him to know why.
So last night I'm informed that I'd be participating more than I expected, in the middle of a convo w/ the bear. And I had to run out on him, and I hated it. It ended up being a false alarm, but when I got home, I called him to see if he was okay, cause I hated the way I had to run out and leave things. And he kept saying, "I'm okay. Are YOU okay?" because he never lets me worry about him when he's trying to worry about me, and he says "I will be okay in this. Because I know where your head is. I know what you want, and I know that you don't want this. So I am not worried that we will be together. At least, I'm trying not to worry. We will be together."
And I realise that he has this security in the truth, he listened to me, and believes me and takes his comfort in the knowledge that all of this is temporary. I draw my strength from him.
Then there was the night where we asked each other how we make each other happy and he said, "the reason why I do what I do for you, why I touch you the way I do... is because I want you to feel a tiny bit of the happiness that you make me feel."
And there's this moment where I look into his eyes, to judge this on the bullshit meter, and he looks serious, and the only thing I can do, because he's wounded me by saying something so honest and sweet is push him away and say,
"oh, you're gooood. you're very good at the bs"
and he's like "it's not bs!"
it fucking better not be.