Monday, February 18, 2008

because paris spits truth

The following is taken from Paris' blog without editing.


Whenever she leaves I cry.
I don't love her, but whenever she leaves I cry. She always has the same routine, wakes up, wraps a sheet around her naked body, goes to the shower, comes back in, opens the curtains, kisses me, gets dressed and leaves.
She knows I cry, and I know she doesn't like it, but how can I not cry when beauty leaves the room with the door wide open?
I see her often enough that I haven't even got time to miss her, but I...
I don't know why I cry.

We talk about everything. I tell her when I lose my battle and start starving myself again, she tells me when she loses her battle and eats everything in the fridge. She laughs, and I laugh, but in my mind I'm saying, I wish that was my problem 'cause then I wouldn't be this hungry. And she reads and, my mind, and she says "I know you want to eat. I know it. I know it, Paris." And it tears me apart.
I want to. I just can't.

She reads me. She reads all inside of me. She knows what I want and what I need. I need food, but I want her.

She's like me. No falling in love. No commitment. No getting hurt another round. No tears on expensive pillowcases. No love letters that no one will ever read. No sobbing. No getting fat from eating pints and pints of ice-cream and drinking pints and pints of rum. Love always ends, and ended love is always gruesome.

When I think of how Tah can do it again after being torn so badly, walk up to love again and say "Give me what you've got. I'll take it.", I want to hold her in advance to soften the blow. But then I see what he is to her, how he loves her, how it's nothing like that scum of the earth she dated before, nothing like the guy before that, he's new and wonderful. When I see how she's happy, it makes me want to be happy too. But still I'm scared for her, how she can wake up damaged, crying to me in tears I can't ever bear to see again and be ready for love in no time. I tell her she should wait and she says wait for what? And I say wait for it to be out of your system, have your head clear. I tell her I could never love again after what she's been through. Being beaten within an inch of life, being raped, being deceived, but she still trusts it. And when she tells me Paris you're scared and that's okay but eventually you have to give love another chance, when she tells me Paris you have so much to give and you shouldn't be selfish and keep it to yourself, I giggle and smile but I know she's right. I've worked so hard to make myself a better person, I should be with someone. And when Fiera leaves I cry. I should be with Fiera.

I can't bear to be hurt again but I can't bear this feeling. Always wanting to touch her or hold her or kiss her or tell her she's the best thing that's ever been in my bed. I can't bear wanting to lay with her and rub my fingers against her cheek, map her body and know every spot. I want to lie with her, even if I don't get to lay with her. I want to love her until she feels it behind her eyes. I've never wanted to make someone happy so badly before. I love her, and it thrills me but it kills me.

Did I just say I love her?

Fucking hell.

1 comment:

City Love said...

yeah i just realized how similar this is to your situation.