Tuesday, July 26, 2005

...and I go under

There's something hypnotic and calming about:

A singer with a sole guitar (I prefer acoustic) or piano as accompaniment.

A solitary piano.
A lone violin.
A sole cello.

There's something about that...
That completely mesmerizes me and brings me down to a place where I can function emotionally.

Now, you can analyse me and make the "wow, that's a whole lot of lonely in that post, there", but I don't care. I've always loved them. They're so... intimate, so... naked. So stripped, so... raw.

It's as if the music that stems from a lone instrument, or a singer/poet/performer with a single instrument... the more basic it is, the more it feels like the person is saying to me, "here I am. As I am. This is all I am. And all I am, I give to you. Love me, because I love you." And I know they love me, because they're sharing themselves with me.

And that is the most beautiful thing there is on the planet. To be able to share yourself with another person.

And when its stripped like that... it's just me and them... and their voice, and their message.

Maybe that's why I love acoustic & unplugged sets so much.

Who knows when it comes to me. I don't even friggin know.


watch out boy, she'll chew you up

I'm a man-eater.

TBF called me a "man breaker" just now. That's what he said:
"let's face it, you're a man breaker".

I don't want to be. I know I used to be, because I never could say how I felt and just FEEL it and have it be okay. I never could just... Go with the flow, as they say... And the second I'd ever start to feel anything real, I'd do anything in my power to destroy the situation. Cause at least then I had control. I knew what was happening, because I was making it happen.

Then, my last boyfriend, I gave up doing that. And TBF (and everyone else) pointed out that he wasn't the guy that I deserved, and then that ended all on its own.

So either way, things end.

I'd like to apologize to all the ex boyfriends I've ever had. I really wasn't nice to you. I'd even like to apologize to the ones I've loved, I was too scared to tell you, so I made your life miserable instead.


That apology looks half-ass, but it's the internet, and I have no idea how to make the internet make my words look how I feel when I'm typing them. I can only say I truly apologize for any therapy I may have had to put you through.

It's another reason I've wanted to remain friends with TBF. Because no matter at what point in our lives I've had a crush on him (off and on throughout the years), I've seen what I do to guys I like firsthand. And frankly, I care too Gosh Darn much about him to put him through that. Its funny. The guys I really care about, and really love, they stay my friends. Cause I refuse to subject them to the horrors of dating me.

And I'm sure it's horrible.

I have to be horrible.

They can't leave you if you leave them first, can they?

Well, I don't want to be like that anymore. I can't keep waiting for a guy who isn't coming back, and I can't keep ruining things that might turn out to be good. Good for right now, good for the moment, or good for forever. But if I stop being a control freak, maybe I'll be able to have more friends that I've dated and it hasn't worked out than people I haven't dated.

I have to let someone get close to me.
And I don't want to.

Because they can hurt me if I let them too close.

Why is this so hard?

This is another reason I put myself on man-ban. Cause I keep wrecking things. I shouldnt be allowed to date again until I can do so without wrecking some poor guy's life.

Okay. So I'm going to stop crying now and go watch Alton Brown.
Whom I love.
Who can never hurt me.


Monday, July 25, 2005

Resistance is Futile

So I talked to ParkPoliceMan today about everything that was so gross that happened to me today (see post: Its Raining Men), and he's breaking down for me why guys are such sleazebags and basically telling me to get used to it cause I'm what they say I am... apparently... whatever.

I just don't see myself as being... sexy... that word itself is so... wrong for me, I think. Anyways. THE POINT was, in the middle of the conversation, he slaps me with, "you're resisting, aren't you?"

Though it was much more a statement than a question... Rhetorical, if you will... anyways, I feigned ignorance, and he wasn't buying it.

"you keep resisting being in a relationship. Why do you keep doing that? One day, you're going to find a man and just be comfortable. You have to work on that."

Then the rest of the conversation was him telling me what about me makes guys think it's okay to get all touchy feely and me rolling my eyes and thinking it's all gross.

But that one tidbit he slapped me with is true. I do resist. I resist a good thing tooth and nail because... it's not going to last. It's going to fail, so why set myself up for heartbreak again?

And those sleazebags who want my body don't matter to me. I want to know, when a person likes me, WHY they like me, and no one can ever answer that. "Cause you have a nice ass" isn't a good answer for me. I need an answer with substance.

So, no. I am not comfortable around men I like. In fact, I am highly UNcomfortable around men I like, or might like, or have the POTENTIAL of liking, because I don't know how to be "chill" and go with the flow. I did that once, and almost got married, and that all went to hell. Since then, no, I have no clue what to do around guys. I'm so upfront usually... and now...

I'm just so...


confused... like... okay... I have no idea if this one guy really really likes me, or if he just likes me the same as he likes everyone else. Like we joke about stuff... well, we USED to joke about stuff, and now I'm getting the impression he's not joking anymore. Which, is oddly okay with me, but still... there's this part of me (okay, big part) that's like... wait, is this still a joke, or are we serious now? And then it's like, let's define this "we" if there even is one, cause I'm starting to get really confused. Like... this ALL started as A HUGE JOKE, only now I don't think he's laughing anymore... I just want clarity. Is he still joking or not. Cause the more this goes on... the more I see potential for pain and confusion and anger or something at the same time that I can see myself start to let go of my fears and inhibitions and stuff.

I just need the confirmation that he's still joking. or even only half joking.
So long as he doesnt do anything rash, or crazy, or dumb, like fall in love with me or something.

Oh, Lord help him if he does. He has *no* idea what he's getting himself into.


it's raining men

and i'd rather stay inside.

ignorant testosterone driven men are filthy pigs.
THANK GOODNESS that I do not surround myself with people like that in my personal life. WHEN did it become okay to walk behind someone & mumble JUST loud enough "hey sexy, you a sexy mama" and actually expect a response?

*AS IF* I'd respond to a grammatically incorrect come-on?


People are disgusting. I had a guy "psst psssssssst" at me today. Then he looked at me like I was a free rotisserie chicken with sides of mashed potatoes, gravy and homemade mac n' cheese, and he hadn't eaten in a week.

Yes, his mouth salivated. It was gross. I had to get out of there.

I'm moving to a convent. Get me to a nunnery.

Saturday, July 23, 2005

a link from youngblood

explaining the relationship ladder system


Friday, July 22, 2005

Home on a Friday Night

PoeticJustice: home on fri night?
me: and yourself?
PoeticJustice: bout to leave to drive down to C'ville
me: cville?
me: where is that?
PoeticJustice: Charlottesville VA where UVA is at
me: aah
me: have fun
PoeticJustice: i will
PoeticJustice: all the football guys are there and you know what that means
me: hot drunk chicks?
PoeticJustice: damn right


Thursday, July 21, 2005


is a many spendid thing.

Is it possible to be in love with the idea of being in love?
I realised that I could totally fall for someone I know. But the reality is, I don't even really know them... So, if I fell for them, I feel like I'd be falling for the IDEA of them, not the real person.

I dont know. I just think maybe I want to believe in men again, and this person is giving me hope.

I also have TBF and TheBesu, who are the two reasons I haven't written men off completely.

But I...
I just feel so dumb.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

he just couldn't do it, captain

and now, a downer:


Scotty died today.

LONG moment of silence.


The other coolest thing that could happen

I checked my messages, and there's a message from someone who plays Quad Rugby...


OMG, Life is SO GOOD.


Friday, July 15, 2005


Manslator: A male who can interpret the male action, thought process, and language into femspeak.

TBF and TheBesu are excellent manslators.


Thursday, July 14, 2005

If you love something, set it free

me: can I confess something to you that you already know but I need to get off my chest?
TBF: sure
me: I’m still in love with FirstLove
me: I think that's why I sabotage my relationships, because I don’t want to be with someone in the event we get back together
TBF: in the event you get back with FirstLove?
me: I think so
me: in the highly unlikely event that I become famous overnight and jay leno or people or matt lauer ask me who my love is
me: I can say publicly, FirstLove take me back
TBF: yea, carrying that around wouldn't really be fair to whoever you're with
TBF: why not just talk to FirstLove again?
me: because FirstLove...
me: FirstLove...
me: FirstLove knows everything, and he moved to CO or wherever and we lost touch
me: so maybe he doesn’t want to be found
me: I immed him a few months ago
TBF: that would soo suck for a guy
TBF: always trying to live up to a mysterious ideal from your past
TBF: what will you do?
me: I’ve gotta try to let go, I think
me: I don’t think I’ve been ready yet
me: I know I’ve used him as a comparison tool
me: I think I can feel that it's going to be time to let that go soon
me: only I’m so freaked
me: I’ve lived with the memory of him for so long
me: I don’t remember how to live without it
TBF: are you afraid of losing his memory, or afraid of relinquishing the hope of being with him again?
me: afraid that the moment I move on, he's gonna walk into my life
me: and I wont be over him
me: I don’t want to be a Lifetime Movie
TBF: ...don't have cable...
me: lifetime's a network for women that has movies about... abusive men and sappy love stories
TBF: ahhh
TBF: I think OutOfTheLoop watches that too
me: it's like a pendulum that swings between Woman who Overcame Abuse and Woman who Fought For Family and Love
me: I don’t watch it
TBF: then how do you know what it's all about?, lol
me: I used to, back when it was cool, and fun
me: it was the only station that showed The Golden Girls
TBF: ahh
me: but then it would follow it up with "She Woke Up Pregnant" and I'd switch the channel
TBF: so its basically like those sappy after school programs for teens that teach you not to do drugs, have sex, be abused, etc
TBF: but for grownups
me: YES!!!
TBF: ahhh, I see now!
me: it's the After Work Special for Women
me: with made for TV movies starring Pink Ranger Amy Jo Johnson
TBF: power rangers
TBF: did you know that they're still around?
TBF: I think that they're on like the 5th or 6th generation of rangers
me: I know
me: wildforce?
TBF: yea something
me: or police something
me: I lost track after wildforce
me: do you think I’m right about FirstLove?
TBF: sounds like you're pretty much right on
TBF: although I’d question if FirstLove was the *only* reason you sabotage relationships
me: the other reason's my parents
me: I know 2/3 of it is them
TBF: really??
TBF: that's a surprising one
TBF: explain
me: I’ve always known that
me: I don’t ever want to have a divorce
TBF: ahhh
TBF: yes
TBF: you mentioned that
TBF: I thought you meant literally your parents
TBF: like them trying to stop you

me: dude, I’m panicking
me: I have freaking nothing to wear sunday
me: I’m still panicking over the fact I have no clothes, and PianoMan just told me there'd be broadway stars there
me: so I’m SCOURING the internet
me: I am going to *cry*
TBF: I’m sure you'll find something fabulous
me: mom thinks she can alter a dress I have
me: but all I can think is "broadway stars + media" > "crap in my closet"

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Who's that guy?

What is it about cocky, arrogant, self-assured men that makes them think that they can just barge into my life, and turn it upside down?

And why is that completely okay with me?


Do they know something I don't know??

I will never be a girlfriend again.
I said that last time, I know, and look at the result of breaking that promise.
So, I say it again. I will not do that to myself again. I will not prematurely promise myself to something that isn't going to work out.

(TBF and The Besu are prolly reading this, shaking their heads and thinking, "yeah, right... just replace "will not" and "will never" with "don't want to").

But anyways. I've been someone's something for practically as long as I can remember. Back in the day, if I wasn't someone's something, I was working on being someone's something.

Then this last fiasco happened, and I said, "to heck with that", and vowed to be single. And you know what? I'm intensely happy with myself, for like, the first time ever in my life. I needed to know who I am outside of being identified as someone else's something or other. Who am I? What do I like? What don't I like? Completely independent of someone else's feelings or similar interests.

I needed to take myself out on a date.

As a result, I've discovered I have options! Options are a very VERY nice thing to have. And really, I am enjoying my options. Some, more than others, but still, the fact that I'm getting out and meeting people is such a great concept that I've never considered before.

I was running out of people I'd gone to high school with.
That's a sadass statement to admit.

Anyways, back to the options.

There's one in particular that I like. In fact, we could say that MAYBE I really like him. But the thing is, I cannot honestly answer if I like him because I like HIM, or if it's because of the attention. But for sure, he can push my buttons.
Oh, can he ever.

The other option is the one everyone teases me about. And by "everyone", I mean, "everyone who doesn't know about option number one". Which is a ton of people. And while I used to have a crush on him, and while he gives me attention, it's only when we're in the same place. He's never called me, he's never sent an email or responded to an invitation, which leads me to believe he's not interested. One of the "everyone else" tells me that he's shy, but I'm not buying it. She said in the car, "he's shy, he's never liked a girl before", which i think is TOTAL BS because that's asking me to believe that in all his 28 years of being in Iran and Europe that he NEVER liked a SINGLE person? But what does she know, anyways, she's 15. She just wants us to get together to fulfill some adolsescent fantasy of hers.

Anyways, they're all like, "God willing, banafsheh, you get married soon" and I'm all, "well, I have to find a husband first" and then that started this whole conversation about men, and how you should look a the inner person, but not completely ignore the outside appearance because you'll have to wake up to them every day for the rest of your life. And then one of the folks in the car says, "I'm completely certain you'll get married soon" to which I replied, "do you know something I don't know?"

I mean, is someone proposing soon, cause I don't know anyone well enough to take the plunge yet. It kinda freaked me out just how sure she was that it was going to happen soon for me. Like, I know that by Iranian standards I'm practically over the hill, but jeez. What did she get that morning, a sign? And why didn't I get the same sign? Can't I just meet people? I mean, JEEZ!!!

I finally got used to the idea of NOT having a man, and meeting people and having unattached fun. Now everyone's ready to pidgeonhole me into eternal committment!


There are more options, but those are the main two that people harass me about. I'll see if there's a third option by the end of this weekend.

Would I like to be married? Yes. Would I like to get married tomorrow? No. Do I like the idea of spending the rest of your days experiencing life with one person? Yes. But I'm not running off to do it tomorrow, and I'm not willing to be a girlfriend again, either.

The way I figure it, I'll just be friends with people until we decide to not be friends anymore.

But I will never be someone's girlfriend ever again.


Monday, July 11, 2005

The coolest thing just happened

So, an OLD friend, as in, we met at a conference ONCE... YEARS AGO... and yet somehow managed to keep in touch who used to live in GA then moved to Japan and now lives in LA pursuing a career in composition, who is FABULOUS and I LOVE his work, and I can never sing his praises enough cause he's awesome... we'll call him PianoMan... anyways, he composed for his friend's short films, and the premiere is this weekend.

So he calls me last night to invite me to the NYC premiere.

How cool is that?

So I immediately said yes, and then upon thought reflected that I have to work on saturday, so I immed him that... but I'm prolly going to take the greyhound to nyc right after work. So I'll miss hanging out with him on Saturday, but we'll chill on sunday, before the premiere. Unless he's super busy being shipped around to all the bigwigs who are going to congratulate him on his fantastic sound even before the thing happens.

So I got asked to go to a premiere!

How freaking cool is that?!


Sunday, July 10, 2005

Mixed Signals Revealed

So, I haven't posted in a while...
Because there's been nothing to post.

I'm worried about my friend Kirsten, cause I saw pics of what the Hurricane is doing to homes down there. I tried calling her three times, but my call woulnd't go through. So... she's on my mind right now.

In other news...

I have a problem. It's not really a problem in that I want it to go away, but I mean, it could develop into someone getting hurt, potentially, and that makes me hesitate.

Basically, I don't give anyone any special treatment. But I've noticed lately, that some of my guy friends have been paying more attention to me, which makes me wonder if they're misinterpreting me.

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE ATTENTION... but... I mean... so long as both parties are clear that nothing will develop. I mean, TBF is setting me straight.

me: is it entirely possible for a guy to think that who i am naturally is meant for him alone?
me: like, who i am... can a guy interpret how i am as "i like him"?
TBF: of course
TBF: guys interpret positive engergy with what they want to believe
me: is that typical with women, or is that a banomaly
TBF: banomaly???
TBF: you're so funny
TBF: there is no banomoly
TBF: women send a whole spectrum of mixed signals
TBF: some women have gotten better at straightening out their signals as they become more mature
TBF: the older single guys (40/50+) report that older women don't play nearly as many games
TBF: or rather
me: they're tired
TBF: they've figured out how to send clear signals
TBF: they either send {((~i want you signals~))}, or they send {((~!not interested!~))}
me: but
me: my "let's be friends" signals get a "more than" mixed in somewhere
TBF: banafsheh
TBF: no offense
TBF: but your {((!let's be friends!))} signals look like {((~i want you signals~))}
me: that's my problem
me: i know
me: this sucks

Basically, TBF says that guys like me because they think I want them.

TBF: banafsheh
TBF: no offense
TBF: but your {((!let's be friends!))} signals look like {((~i want you signals~))}

me: i'm pretty clear i think though, arent i? when i want something?
TBF: when you want something?
TBF: when you try to make an {((~i want you signal~))} ?
TBF: not if you've already convinced everyone that {((~i want you~))} = {((!let's be friends!))}
me: i'm trying to say when i like a person, i like them. i treat all the people i like the same. with love.
me: but when i like ONE person ABOVE all, i tell them that.
TBF: then there is no ambiguity for the ONE person
TBF: but what about everyone you treat the same?
TBF: what must they be wondering?
me: i don't know
me: here's what i dont understand
me: this may be completely a no brainer for other people, normal people, but i dont get this
me: how do you have friends you don't love?
me: when i make friends, i bring them into my inner circle. they become my family. i cook for them, i've even been known to iron their shirts on occasion, i care for them when they're sick, i drive miles out of my way to have a meal with the ones who are out of town and say "hey, I'm in dc, can we hang for a few hours?"
me: are you telling me that people don't do these things for their friends?
TBF: not at all
me: then WHY pray, is it magically different with me?
TBF: its just that all those things are the same things that a guy looks for in a relationship
inner circle (closeness)
cook for them(shared kitchen)
iron their shirts on occaision(helpfull)
i care for them when they're sick(nurturing)
i drive miles out of my way to have a meal with the ones who are out of town(self sacrificing)
me: don't all girls do that?
TBF: no
TBF: not at all
me: i thought everyone did that
TBF: only if she's paying special attention to the guy
me: that's why the guys think it's just for them!
TBF: example
TBF: 9th grade
me: oh lord...
TBF: julie work bakes cookies for seth = julie likes seth
TBF: she didn't bake cookies for everyone in the whole class
TBF: she baked cookies for seth
me: so what do girls do when they're just friends with a guy?
TBF: probably more stuff in groups
me: i do stuff in groups
TBF: in our society 1v1 attention is genrerally bound to be interpreted as interest
TBF: think about what guys are taught
TBF: "How do I know if a girl likes me?"
TBF: "Well son..., does she spend a lot of time with you?, Does she talk to you a lot?, Does she do special things for you? These are the signals that let you know that she is seeking your attention and she likes spending time with you."
TBF: all guys are taught this
TBF: i think there's no way getting around it
TBF: if you spend 1v1 time with a guy there's always a risk that he will start liking you
me: then why don't you invite me to more group stuff
TBF: cause i thought we had a special understanding
me: go on
TBF: that we could be friends without following the typical rules
TBF: everythign we talked about
me: that my signals would be interpreted as friends signals
TBF: exactly
TBF: isn't that what you wanted?
me: yeah
me: i was still wondering
me: cause
TBF: then... we're ... cool right?
me: yeah, we're cool! I just mean
TBF: i was just wondering why you're bringing this all up now
me: i think i was starting to project our understanding on all men
TBF: nope
me: since you're really the only guy i regularly hang out with, i assumed that it was true for all men
TBF: you need a special MOU for each guy if you want to spend 1v1 time with them
me: mou?
TBF: oh sorry govt term
TBF: memorandum of understanding
me: oh

Thursday, July 07, 2005

The Guard 2: an update

So, I hadn't seen The Guard in a while, and I was wondering...

Then, today, I saw him, so I was all nice and said "Where have you been?"
Then he called me over to where he was and was like, "can I talk to you for five minutes?"

He asked me for my number.

I said no. (!!!)

I told him that I'm not in the habit of giving my number out to strangers, but that If he wanted to do that lunch as planned last week, that it was okay.

I like to think I'm a woman of my word; if I say I'll do something, I will. I also expect this from other people. That's why I tell boys careful the things they say, cause I'll hold them to it.

Anyways, so they changed his hours, which is why I haven't seen him any of the times I avoided his stations. Which is good, cause I have less avoiding to do.

The Besu thinks The Guard wants The Booty.

I just want a free lunch.


London Bridge is...

So, I'm driving to work, and I hear on the radio that there's been a bombing of the London Tube system.

The DJ, Elliott, says that it's in effect, England's 9.11.
Then he gets this caller who basically says that there's NO WAY that this could be like 9/11, because this is so small in comparison, blah blah blah.

Another lady calls right after to dipute the other commentor, & says something to the effect that mentalities such as this is precicely why the rest of the world hates us. She was like, "that's so selfish to think that we are the only ones who feel shock," etc. Another caller said that "this isn't a popularity contest" and that an act of terrorism is an act of terrorism.

Elliott pointed out that the English are so reserved by nature anyways, that this is way bigger to them than they're letting on, expecially since (at the time) the tubes were still blocked.

I agree with those who said the first caller's opinions were trite. England's way smaller than the US as well, and that should be taken into consideration.

Besides, I have people who are going to Europe, and now I have to worry about their safety.

Stupid terrorists. Aren't you supposed to bomb stuff if you want attention to a cause that isn't receiving any? To make some desperate point? Like, "you are holding political prisoners. we will shoot a hostage an hour until you release them" isn't that what terrorists do? Aren't they supposed to have "reasons" for killing people? What is their reason?

This is all so darn senseless!


Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This


I had the weirdest night last night.

Mom made me help her bake these persian cookies, since someone told her to teach me how to cook Iranian food. So, it turned into this ordeal, because the recipe (which I was reading in Farsi, btw) is all in grams. So, we had to convert it from grams to ounces, and then ended up with a batter that was WAY too runny, so we spent an hour trying to thicken it up, and even after sifting a whole other cup of flour in it, we still ended up making raisin crepes. One batch we decided to turn into brownie squares, since the batter was running together anyways.


Anyways, in the midst of it all, between making her a frame and mat for a poster she has to baking what was supposed to be raisin cookies, I got a message on my cell phone. So I listen to it, and my mom hits me from left field with,

"banafsheh's in love!"
so I said,
"Excuse me? What the hell?!"
and she said,
"I havent seen you act like this in a long time"
and I said,
"What?! Act like what?"
and she said,

Then for the next three hours, she teased me with "you-re i-in lo-ove" like a freaking third grader.

WTF?! I AM NOT. I might be in like, but I'm certainly not in love.

Maybe my vagina's fixed, and she was catching on to the glow.

Gosh, has it been that long?

I don't think I'm acting any differently. Maybe I'm finally happy with myself. Why should someone else get all the credit? Why is it automatically assumed that there's someone else if I am happy? Even if there was someone, which...
there's not...

Why can't I just be happy?

And who said I'm happy, anyways?

Stupid cookies.


Wednesday, July 06, 2005

The Double Stuff Oreo

Is staring at me.
It wants me, and I want it.
It's calling me.

Do I answer?

And now, an Oreo Haiku

Oreo, my love
delicious with two percent
dunk, or twist? dunk... dunk...

I haven't had a doublestuff oreo in about forever. It's been too long.

TBF wrote this oreo haiku, and by "wrote," i mean, "changed the last line":

Oreo, my love
delicious with whole milk
dip and hold to melt

He's such a genius.

In other news, I got asked out today!

2-ply or not 2-ply

What is with 1-ply bathroom tissue? AURGH!!
I had to go yesterday, and when I got to the bathroom, there was a roll of 1-ply. I felt so... neglected. Like the comfort of my derriere was not of concern for these folks. Besides, I'd have to double or triple up, which made me feel like I was furthering the advancement of the destruction of the Rain Forest.

Then I thought about it.

If I doubled up on 1-ply, doesn't it then become 2-ply? Am I saving paper by doubling the 1-ply, since I'd just end up doubling the 2-ply anyways? But then, with 2-ply, the number of squares desired to double is less because of the absorbent nature of the 2-ply, than the perception of the Kleenex-factor of the 1-ply, therefore, the hypotesis is scientifically stated as:

Does the social perception of varying absorbent nature of 2-ply over 1-ply cause subjects to use more squares in doubling 1-ply than subjects would double with 2-ply, and is this perception justified and correct?

So... If I think "man! 1-ply! This sucks!" and triple up 5 squares, I've used 15 squares. But If I think, "2-ply, sweet!" and double 3 squares, I'm using 24.

So, it *is* all in perception, isn't it? Those 1-ply freakzoids are economically and environmentally sound.

I'm still not going to buy 1-ply, but at least now I know that I have a hand in the destruction of our Earth's resources.


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Sleep & Reflections

Okay. I am beyond exhausted. I've been sleepwalking the whole day through. Aurgh.

In other news, I've been contemplating stuff Trusty Best Friend said to me. Last night, when I found out the group would consist of Trusty Best Friend, Youngblood & myself, I was happy because I'd be the only girl, and I like being the only girl in the group. TBF picked up on that, and called me on it. I told him that I have enough estrogen to combat the testosterone in a any group of males. Also, I just can't hang with other girls. I never have, even from the days when they kicked me off the blacktop and I had to play kickball with the boys at recess. I've always been the only girl in the group.

They just want to do girly things, like talk about which guy is hot and makeup and clothes and hair and stuff. That's so external... I care more about what his interests are and who he is as a person and what his potential is. TBF made an observation that I can work with other girls, but only on a 1-1 ratio. I've also made this observation, but was interested in his perspective. He noted that all the girls from HS hate me because they're jealous.

I'm like, *jealous of what?* I'm freaking boring! Have they read the blog? There's nothing exciting going on over here. Anyways. I could accept that they are jealous if I could figure out what the F they're jealous OF.

Anyways, TBF & I have been talking about dating, and how women are like a game, and men are like the players. So, women are like Zelda, and Men are like Link. The player's objective is to conquer and advance levels, while ammassing points, skills, and trinkets which will aid him on his voyage; the game's objective is to limit the player with the introduction of obstacles, loops, and dead ends. Ultimately, the game wants to be conquered, but by someone who is worthy enough to get to the end. Conversely, the player doesn't want to play a game that isnt challenging or stimulating.

TBF is the best. He always manages to break stuff down for me in a language I'll understand.

I speak Metaphor and Analogy fluently.

To think, this all started when I asked him two days ago, "TBF, at what point does a man know he wants to pursue a relationship with another person?" His response shocked me:

"Guys know in the first three seconds."

That's such a shock to me! The way men tend to procrastinate around me, I figured that it just took them a long time to figure me out & decide if they wanted to hang out/go out with me or not. I was all thinking I was mysterious. Jeez.

I love it when TBF busts my ego-bubble. I learn so much about other people.
TBF also gave me some pointers on the new potential guy in my life. TBF basically said to not get my hopes up; that I shouldn't take anything seriously.

Which is good. TBF reinforced what gemini banafsheh was thinking.

First three seconds, eh?


Monday, July 04, 2005

Dream Weaver

Happy 4th of July, everyone.

So, Trusty Best Friend, Youngblood and I went to the Mall. Unbeknownst to us, there was a Folk Life Festival in full swing. So, we naturally migrated towards the large banner that read, "Free Feast", courtesy of the Hare Krishnas.

It consisted of a plate of flavored rice krispies, pasta salad, and a peanut chocolate square, which looked like a piece of meat. I ate the pasta salad, and gave Youngblood the chocolate square.

The Hare Krishna setup made me laugh. They had some good music & dance presentations though.

Then we went to NMAI, which was alright, and not quite what I expected. Then we went to Air & Space, and then to NatHist, where we watched a horrible IMAX movie... Dinosaurs in 3-D. Which made Youngblood and I sick, only Youngblood was already ill anyways, so the 3-D didn't help.

Then we passed an evangelical booth that was giving out water & brownies. You had to take a test of two questions. There, I found out that I was going straight to hell when I die. I'm kinda sore that I didn't get my brownie. Maybe they only give the brownies to people who are going to Heaven. At least, they could have given me the water. That'll come in handy in Hell.

Then we went to sit on The Mall. Youngblood says he's not feeling well & leaves to go home. I got so bored that I decided to channel my Cherokee Ancestors & weave the crabgrass into baskets, which I've never done before. Then this kid approaches me and asks me what I'm doing. So I show him, and he's actually interested in it, so I start him off on one, as does Trusty Best Friend. Then, more kids ask me what I'm doing, and I tell them. So then we look over to KidOne, who is REALLY working hard at making his basket. Then he'd given the other starter basket to his sister. His mom catches my eye & mouths, "thank you". It was cool, bonding with some random kid who was interested in weaving a basket out of the crabgrass on the Mall.

I still have the basket I made.

Friday, July 01, 2005


Rest In Peace, Luther Vandross.

from http://music.msn.com/music/article.aspx?news=195680

Grammy award winner Luther Vandross, whose deep, lush voice on such hits as "Here and Now" and "Any Love" sold more than 25 million albums while providing the romantic backdrop for millions of couples worldwide, died Friday. He was 54.

Vandross died at John F. Kennedy Medical Center in Edison, N.J., said hospital spokesman Rob Cavanaugh. He did not release the cause of death but said in a statement that Vandross "never really recovered from" a stroke two years ago.

I'm in love

I am *so glad* that HP has kept him. He makes me happy.

The Geico Man makes me happy too. I'm even more glad that he got picked up by NetFlix.

They make me so happy!!!

And now, for something completely different.

I watched a batman movie today... like a fanflick. I can't find a direct link, but follow the process and you can see it for yourself.

1. click this link, or copy it to your web browser.
2. Click any of the blue "clip" links. Let's use "Clip: What implications are you making?"
3. In the MSN Video popup, there's a search box to the left. Type "Batman" and click enter.
4. There's a bunch of batman clips that opens up on the bottom. Click the "Batman: Dead Ends" one. Surprise!


The Guard

So the guard stopped me earlier today.
"what are you doing for lunch?"
"I don't know, what are you doing for lunch?"
"I'll think about it"

So he stopped me again, and asked me what I had decided.
The word going around was The Grill, so I told him that.

"Did you forget about McDonalds?"
This was a sensitive question. No, I didn't forget, but I'm not really interested in going to McDonalds, either. Besides, if you ask me what I decide, it means I have a choice. Therefore...

But he was on break right then, so we couldn't go anyways.
I rain checked.

Besides, I don't care who you are, or where you work, if I don't know you, you're not getting me alone in your car. Period. So... we can walk somewhere for lunch, but I'm not getting in your car, Mr. Guard.

< edited to add: Also... Once you reach a certain... let's say... figure, you ought to reconsider going to McDonalds for health purposes... I mean, do you really need to clog your arteries anymore? Do I? Does anyone? I mean, once you're a certain size, you have to start thinking about eating healthily... Like... Like Jared... go to Subway or something. Anywhere but McDonalds. /end edit. >