If you love something, set it free

me: can I confess something to you that you already know but I need to get off my chest?
TBF: sure
me: I’m still in love with FirstLove
me: I think that's why I sabotage my relationships, because I don’t want to be with someone in the event we get back together
TBF: in the event you get back with FirstLove?
me: I think so
me: in the highly unlikely event that I become famous overnight and jay leno or people or matt lauer ask me who my love is
me: I can say publicly, FirstLove take me back
TBF: yea, carrying that around wouldn't really be fair to whoever you're with
TBF: why not just talk to FirstLove again?
me: because FirstLove...
me: FirstLove...
me: FirstLove knows everything, and he moved to CO or wherever and we lost touch
me: so maybe he doesn’t want to be found
me: I immed him a few months ago
TBF: that would soo suck for a guy
TBF: always trying to live up to a mysterious ideal from your past
TBF: what will you do?
me: I’ve gotta try to let go, I think
me: I don’t think I’ve been ready yet
me: I know I’ve used him as a comparison tool
me: I think I can feel that it's going to be time to let that go soon
me: only I’m so freaked
me: I’ve lived with the memory of him for so long
me: I don’t remember how to live without it
TBF: are you afraid of losing his memory, or afraid of relinquishing the hope of being with him again?
me: afraid that the moment I move on, he's gonna walk into my life
me: and I wont be over him
me: I don’t want to be a Lifetime Movie
TBF: ...don't have cable...
me: lifetime's a network for women that has movies about... abusive men and sappy love stories
TBF: ahhh
TBF: I think OutOfTheLoop watches that too
me: it's like a pendulum that swings between Woman who Overcame Abuse and Woman who Fought For Family and Love
me: I don’t watch it
TBF: then how do you know what it's all about?, lol
me: I used to, back when it was cool, and fun
me: it was the only station that showed The Golden Girls
TBF: ahh
me: but then it would follow it up with "She Woke Up Pregnant" and I'd switch the channel
TBF: so its basically like those sappy after school programs for teens that teach you not to do drugs, have sex, be abused, etc
TBF: but for grownups
me: YES!!!
TBF: ahhh, I see now!
me: it's the After Work Special for Women
TBF: HAHAHA
me: with made for TV movies starring Pink Ranger Amy Jo Johnson
TBF: power rangers
TBF: did you know that they're still around?
TBF: I think that they're on like the 5th or 6th generation of rangers
me: I know
me: wildforce?
TBF: yea something
me: or police something
me: I lost track after wildforce
me: do you think I’m right about FirstLove?
TBF: sounds like you're pretty much right on
TBF: although I’d question if FirstLove was the *only* reason you sabotage relationships
me: the other reason's my parents
me: I know 2/3 of it is them
TBF: really??
TBF: that's a surprising one
TBF: explain
me: I’ve always known that
me: I don’t ever want to have a divorce
TBF: ahhh
TBF: yes
TBF: you mentioned that
TBF: I thought you meant literally your parents
TBF: like them trying to stop you

me: dude, I’m panicking
me: I have freaking nothing to wear sunday
me: I’m still panicking over the fact I have no clothes, and PianoMan just told me there'd be broadway stars there
me: so I’m SCOURING the internet
me: I am going to *cry*
TBF: I’m sure you'll find something fabulous
me: mom thinks she can alter a dress I have
me: but all I can think is "broadway stars + media" > "crap in my closet"