Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Do they know something I don't know??

I will never be a girlfriend again.
I said that last time, I know, and look at the result of breaking that promise.
So, I say it again. I will not do that to myself again. I will not prematurely promise myself to something that isn't going to work out.

(TBF and The Besu are prolly reading this, shaking their heads and thinking, "yeah, right... just replace "will not" and "will never" with "don't want to").

But anyways. I've been someone's something for practically as long as I can remember. Back in the day, if I wasn't someone's something, I was working on being someone's something.

Then this last fiasco happened, and I said, "to heck with that", and vowed to be single. And you know what? I'm intensely happy with myself, for like, the first time ever in my life. I needed to know who I am outside of being identified as someone else's something or other. Who am I? What do I like? What don't I like? Completely independent of someone else's feelings or similar interests.

I needed to take myself out on a date.

As a result, I've discovered I have options! Options are a very VERY nice thing to have. And really, I am enjoying my options. Some, more than others, but still, the fact that I'm getting out and meeting people is such a great concept that I've never considered before.

I was running out of people I'd gone to high school with.
That's a sadass statement to admit.

Anyways, back to the options.

There's one in particular that I like. In fact, we could say that MAYBE I really like him. But the thing is, I cannot honestly answer if I like him because I like HIM, or if it's because of the attention. But for sure, he can push my buttons.
Oh, can he ever.

The other option is the one everyone teases me about. And by "everyone", I mean, "everyone who doesn't know about option number one". Which is a ton of people. And while I used to have a crush on him, and while he gives me attention, it's only when we're in the same place. He's never called me, he's never sent an email or responded to an invitation, which leads me to believe he's not interested. One of the "everyone else" tells me that he's shy, but I'm not buying it. She said in the car, "he's shy, he's never liked a girl before", which i think is TOTAL BS because that's asking me to believe that in all his 28 years of being in Iran and Europe that he NEVER liked a SINGLE person? But what does she know, anyways, she's 15. She just wants us to get together to fulfill some adolsescent fantasy of hers.

Anyways, they're all like, "God willing, banafsheh, you get married soon" and I'm all, "well, I have to find a husband first" and then that started this whole conversation about men, and how you should look a the inner person, but not completely ignore the outside appearance because you'll have to wake up to them every day for the rest of your life. And then one of the folks in the car says, "I'm completely certain you'll get married soon" to which I replied, "do you know something I don't know?"

I mean, is someone proposing soon, cause I don't know anyone well enough to take the plunge yet. It kinda freaked me out just how sure she was that it was going to happen soon for me. Like, I know that by Iranian standards I'm practically over the hill, but jeez. What did she get that morning, a sign? And why didn't I get the same sign? Can't I just meet people? I mean, JEEZ!!!

I finally got used to the idea of NOT having a man, and meeting people and having unattached fun. Now everyone's ready to pidgeonhole me into eternal committment!

Jeez!

There are more options, but those are the main two that people harass me about. I'll see if there's a third option by the end of this weekend.

Would I like to be married? Yes. Would I like to get married tomorrow? No. Do I like the idea of spending the rest of your days experiencing life with one person? Yes. But I'm not running off to do it tomorrow, and I'm not willing to be a girlfriend again, either.

The way I figure it, I'll just be friends with people until we decide to not be friends anymore.

But I will never be someone's girlfriend ever again.

b

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