Resistance is Futile

So I talked to ParkPoliceMan today about everything that was so gross that happened to me today (see post: Its Raining Men), and he's breaking down for me why guys are such sleazebags and basically telling me to get used to it cause I'm what they say I am... apparently... whatever.

I just don't see myself as being... sexy... that word itself is so... wrong for me, I think. Anyways. THE POINT was, in the middle of the conversation, he slaps me with, "you're resisting, aren't you?"

Though it was much more a statement than a question... Rhetorical, if you will... anyways, I feigned ignorance, and he wasn't buying it.

"you keep resisting being in a relationship. Why do you keep doing that? One day, you're going to find a man and just be comfortable. You have to work on that."

Then the rest of the conversation was him telling me what about me makes guys think it's okay to get all touchy feely and me rolling my eyes and thinking it's all gross.

But that one tidbit he slapped me with is true. I do resist. I resist a good thing tooth and nail because... it's not going to last. It's going to fail, so why set myself up for heartbreak again?

And those sleazebags who want my body don't matter to me. I want to know, when a person likes me, WHY they like me, and no one can ever answer that. "Cause you have a nice ass" isn't a good answer for me. I need an answer with substance.

So, no. I am not comfortable around men I like. In fact, I am highly UNcomfortable around men I like, or might like, or have the POTENTIAL of liking, because I don't know how to be "chill" and go with the flow. I did that once, and almost got married, and that all went to hell. Since then, no, I have no clue what to do around guys. I'm so upfront usually... and now...

I'm just so...

so...

confused... like... okay... I have no idea if this one guy really really likes me, or if he just likes me the same as he likes everyone else. Like we joke about stuff... well, we USED to joke about stuff, and now I'm getting the impression he's not joking anymore. Which, is oddly okay with me, but still... there's this part of me (okay, big part) that's like... wait, is this still a joke, or are we serious now? And then it's like, let's define this "we" if there even is one, cause I'm starting to get really confused. Like... this ALL started as A HUGE JOKE, only now I don't think he's laughing anymore... I just want clarity. Is he still joking or not. Cause the more this goes on... the more I see potential for pain and confusion and anger or something at the same time that I can see myself start to let go of my fears and inhibitions and stuff.

I just need the confirmation that he's still joking. or even only half joking.
So long as he doesnt do anything rash, or crazy, or dumb, like fall in love with me or something.

Oh, Lord help him if he does. He has *no* idea what he's getting himself into.

b