watch out boy, she'll chew you up

I'm a man-eater.

TBF called me a "man breaker" just now. That's what he said:
"let's face it, you're a man breaker".

I don't want to be. I know I used to be, because I never could say how I felt and just FEEL it and have it be okay. I never could just... Go with the flow, as they say... And the second I'd ever start to feel anything real, I'd do anything in my power to destroy the situation. Cause at least then I had control. I knew what was happening, because I was making it happen.

Then, my last boyfriend, I gave up doing that. And TBF (and everyone else) pointed out that he wasn't the guy that I deserved, and then that ended all on its own.

So either way, things end.

I'd like to apologize to all the ex boyfriends I've ever had. I really wasn't nice to you. I'd even like to apologize to the ones I've loved, I was too scared to tell you, so I made your life miserable instead.

Sorry.

That apology looks half-ass, but it's the internet, and I have no idea how to make the internet make my words look how I feel when I'm typing them. I can only say I truly apologize for any therapy I may have had to put you through.

It's another reason I've wanted to remain friends with TBF. Because no matter at what point in our lives I've had a crush on him (off and on throughout the years), I've seen what I do to guys I like firsthand. And frankly, I care too Gosh Darn much about him to put him through that. Its funny. The guys I really care about, and really love, they stay my friends. Cause I refuse to subject them to the horrors of dating me.

And I'm sure it's horrible.

I have to be horrible.

They can't leave you if you leave them first, can they?

Well, I don't want to be like that anymore. I can't keep waiting for a guy who isn't coming back, and I can't keep ruining things that might turn out to be good. Good for right now, good for the moment, or good for forever. But if I stop being a control freak, maybe I'll be able to have more friends that I've dated and it hasn't worked out than people I haven't dated.

I have to let someone get close to me.
And I don't want to.

Because they can hurt me if I let them too close.

Why is this so hard?

This is another reason I put myself on man-ban. Cause I keep wrecking things. I shouldnt be allowed to date again until I can do so without wrecking some poor guy's life.

Okay. So I'm going to stop crying now and go watch Alton Brown.
Whom I love.
Who can never hurt me.

b