Saturday, April 26, 2008

he said he's sorry.

Don't stick me on the outside.
You pulled me out of my comfort zone; it's partially your responsibility to catch me when I fall. Make my trek outside my box a comfortable one, and I'll stay.

Stop inconveniencing the rest of us just because you're stubborn.


Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. You know I'll forgive you.

It's uncomfortable for me, when you say things like "I messed up..."
I'm not used to hearing that, and it's awkward and I don't know what to do.

I've never known when to leave a man. My parents never really taught me how to function in relationships, and granted there's not much advice either of them can give me that I'd take without tables of salt. However, Lorraine Hansberry's Raisin in the Sun offered me with advice that I've taken such to heart that I think it's mucked up some breakups, but there it stands:

Child, when do you think is the time
to love somebody the most?
When he's done good and made things
easy for everybody?
That ain't the time at all.
It's when he's at his lowest...
...and he can't believe in himself
because the world's whipped him so!
When you starts measuring somebody...
...measure him right, child.
Measure him right.

There's something about that that has rung so clearly and true straight down to my soul... When a man is at his lowest, that's when he needs love the most.

That's what I do. That's all I know how to do, is love people.
It hurts, but there it is.

Any other ladies reading this, these are your instructions. Love him when he's at his lowest. Like I said, this backfires for me sometimes cause I don't know when to leave well enough alone and walk away.

Well, anyways, my heart's confused enough as it is.

Just thought I'd share. I'm not mad at you. Frustrated, yes; mad, no.


Sunday, April 20, 2008

it's not about me

it's not about me.
i know that.
it's not about me.

but it's just one more person leaving.
damnit, ritah.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

i can tell you what it isn't.

it's not love.
it's me trying to fill the hole that the musician left.

i knew it was too soon.

what am i thinking?


Tuesday, April 15, 2008

On the flipside

I know I've said he's all wrong for me.
He can't have kids and I'm scared to death of pregnancy.

That's a plus.



bumper sticker of the day

"if you can read this, introduce yourself."

Monday, April 14, 2008

if you love something let it go

it's weird.
i think he knows on one hand if i go, i'm never coming back.
i think he's holding out that what we sort of have is strong enough to pull me back.

he knows better than to ask me to stay. he knows i've wanted this my whole life.

i think he loves me... the way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me, the way he speaks softly to me, the way he remembers everything... i think that's why he gets quiet about me leaving... he let me know in january that if he had his way i'd stay, that his obvious choice if he had a vote is for me to stay, and he knows that if i stayed i'd be miserable.

so in answering his own vote, he wants me to go and live my life of no regrets.

too bad he can't come with me.

he wont help me leave, i know that much. he isn't going to help me research countries, or programs, or certifications. he'll just stand aside while i gather all my data, make a decision and let him know when my plane leaves.


and then he'll drive away, to his home, that he asked me to join, and continue the life he has, without me.

knowing, praying, wishing i'll come back.

That's the movie version. When I come back, he'll have moved on, there will be a woman in my place and no room at the inn for me.

What am I coming back FOR?


Sunday, April 13, 2008

i hate virginia

hate is a strong word.
i have an aversion to virginia.
it's less than a half-hour's distance, and yet, i rarely, RARELY go there. I've got this allergy to the bridge and 395, it seems.

One of my absolute best friends... scratch that. My absolute best friend lives in Virginia, and I hardly ever see her. This is because my life revolves around work and school, primarily, but it burns my brisket that she's so close and yet I hardly ever see her.

We ought to be hanging out regularly, you know? Proper mates. People would love to be close to their mates, and here I am close to mine and hardly ever see her.

We talked about being roommies, and all the spots I looked at were all around here, in maryland, or a little further south from where I live. This is how lovely she is: she not once said "hey, dipstick, can we look for something a little closer to where MY point of reference is?" Seriously I was not looking in Virginia. But her whole everything is there, her friends, her family... but she didn't let on once. She's a champion.

Here's something slightly related, but not completely directly related to her. Recently, she called me on some shit, and it hurt because I really didnt see what she was talking about. Then, I found myself about to be in a similar situation, and something clicked...

I learned something about myself: I can't hang out. I have to be doing something. So in a way, this friend was right. When she'd say "it's been too long, we have to do something," my instinctive reaction was to say my standard, "I haven't got time." And that blanket statement kind of shut down any future invitations, as I think she was waiting for me to let her know when I was available. In the meantime, other folks were asking me specific things, like "we're going to see X at Y cinema on Z day, want to come?" Most times I'd say, "can't I'm working." Sometimes, I'd go. And while I don't go to all of those either, there was something that I set aside time for to do. Even though I said I wasn't going to last week cause I had to work, I somehow got out early and still made it... but now I digress. When my friends give specific things, I usually make the time to go, if I can. **IF I CAN** Which is still not always, but sometimes, moments come up where I can shift something around for a few hours.

I thought she had her own set of friends that she hung out with, cause the invitations stopped coming. I didn't understand that the invitations had ceased because I'd given a blanket "no." In fact, I hadn't even considered that I'd even given a blanket "no." Now I see why she thought that I was shirking her friendship. I couldn't before, but I do now.

Took me some time, I guess. Now I'm asking her to come to everything I get invited to, and she's telling me no. Maybe one day she'll be able to say yes. That would be lovely.

Ironically, throughout my ranting of the evils of Virginia, Virginia is where we've chosen to go for my birthday. Girls weekend out, nothing but us single ladies, beaches, and trouble. Nothing like historical property to get the girls in trouble, eh?

We'll see.

So back to one of the main points, I'm sorry for having given a blanket statement about my schedule. Took me a bit to realise it, but I'm sorry.


one more thing

he sort of asked me to move in with him.


leaving on a jet plane

it's begun again.
it was my fault for falling into the trap and thinking i could stay.
i think he knows...
i'm leaving.

Saturday, April 12, 2008


it's not much, but it's all we have.

Monday, April 07, 2008

he's back.

Park Policeman is back.
He's ready to lay it all out.

I saw him today, and he let me know without a shadow of a doubt, that he was the choice above all other choices.

He laid it all out.
According to him:

He's single, has bought his own home, has no children or prior marriages, and makes well enough to have all his comforts and still be able to afford more.

His home is immaculate. He's completely redone everything, from light fixtures to bathrooms to flooring and tile.

We're having dinner next Monday.


Sunday, April 06, 2008

no one wins because everyone loses

And pain only cycles.

Recently, a friend of mine said some very, very hurtful words to me. She was expressing her frustration over something- a situation between us- and it manifested in the exchange of some very, very hurtful words. Especially when it took me a while to process and understand where she was coming from. What was worse, was the feeling that she could just shut me out so completely, that when I attempted to address her concerns, I felt I was met with hostility and indifference.

To be fair, she did not completely withdraw, and she always answered my messages. Let's be clear on that point.

However, when I approached her about the nature of her words, and informed her that if she wanted to hurt me, she'd succeeded. Her response was that perhaps that *was* her intention.

In turn, her words wounded me so deeply, and added to some other personal issues I was having at the time, that I shut down. I mean, what is the point when people feel that you've wronged them, and so they return by deliberately trying to hurt you? Why she couldn't just feel comfortable enough to come to me with her concerns and lay them out beforehand, I'll never know. I would have appreciated it if before lashing out and saying something beyond hurtful, she'd have called or emailed or texted or chatted me up and said "look, this is how I feel..." and yelled/screamed/shhouted/cried whatever about what was on her mind.

But I can't put my wishes on other people. So it stands:
She was hurt.
She hurt me.
I shut down, which only:
Hurt her.

Now, I haven't been home practically all day yesterday, from the early am until 5:00 am this morning. This morning, when I finally woke up, I had some messages from her asking me where I was and basically saying that she understood I needed space.

I responded to her, and it appears that now I'm on the out again.

Further complicating matters, a third party has now felt the right to approach me on my conduct and provide an opinion on something which in no way, shape, or form involves them.

Honestly, I have chased. My friend is hurt, and I chase. When I'm hurt, I get "whatever."

For the record, and please, all, do take note, as this next bit is in respone to the person who felt the need to involve themselves in my business:

I do not push my loved ones away. You have no *idea* the pain my friend's comment gave me, so do not presume to know that she hurt me "a little" and I responded by hurting her "a lot." Not once have I done or said anything to deliberately wound a person I'd consider a close personal friend. Do not presume to know my behavior, or suggest that I apologize.

For the last time, stay out of my business.

I stand by my post about loving people when they hurt you. When I wrote it, I honestly wasn't including this particular friend in it. I was surveying the latest developments in my life, the past and present, and expressing a desire to make a conscious choice not to trust the people whom I will meet in the future in the hope of avoiding this cycle.

Life is grey. Life is not black and white. Why does my being in pain = you being a bad person? It doesn't. Why can't this just be a growing pain or a misunderstanding? Why do I have to question myself and my feelings and my life because of a misunderstanding you had which could have been cleared up had you simply asked me, instead of feeling like I deliberately avoid you?

Why did you read into things that had nothing to do with you and decide that it was all about you?

I come to you when I take something you say personally. Why can't you do the same? Come to me first, before assuming it's all about you.

You hurt me, I brought it to your attention. The truth about why you were mad came out, and I told you what happened. We seemed to agree to disagree.

I'm not sorry for considering you first for everything I make time for. I'm not sorry for being there for you as much as I can be, even when you push me away and say hurtful things.

As I said before, I'm still here for you.

However, you hurt me, it still hurts, it's a deep, deep wound.
And I will not apologize to you for being hurt by you. Why is it okay for one person to lash out when they're hurt and angry, but if I do it, suddenly I'm in the wrong?

I don't think you're a horrible person. I don't think you're the bane of my existence. I think you lash out when you perceive pain, and for the first time, I've gotten a taste of how painful it can really be. But I refuse to try to meet you halfway and get the cold shoulder. I refuse to believe that the time and energy spent in this friendship can be gone like a snap of the fingers.

But any relationship is built on trust and faith, and when those are gone from one party, the relationship falters.

So, here I am, publicly declaring that I have not lost faith or trust in the relationship I have (active) with my friend.

But you hurt me. And I'm not apologizing for it.


Saturday, April 05, 2008

human nature

never again will I love people.
Because the moment I do, everything hurts like hell.
Friends, boyfriends, family.

All of life's lessons boil down to:

If you have no expectations, no one can ever hurt you.
If you don't give your heart to anyone, no one can break it.

My problem is, I keep loving my friends, and they keep hurting me.
Solution: Stop loving your friends.


Friday, April 04, 2008

wow... just... wow.

I cannot believe a statement a friend of mine said yesterday. I thought I'd get over it, but the fact is, I haven't.

I really can't believe she said that to me.
Seriously, what's the point?


Tuesday, April 01, 2008

the shame game

I was shamed today.
I deserved it.
It just adds one more layer onto what I've already got on my shoulder.


then you snap

The problem with listening to people, is that you can't take everyone's advice.
You go crazy trying to.


bad habits die hard

i have a bad habit, where i compare behaviors exhibited by current sqeezes, boyfriends, potential boyfriends, whoever, to exes.

Thing is, I'm ususally right.

Therefore, it's a horrible, depressing shock that the bear, the potential, is exactly like the first love of my life.

the way everything happened. exactly the same.

it's put me in such a bad mood. and you might ask, why is that bad? isn't that supposed to be great? And I'd respond, you're right, it's supposed to be great, only it's not. it's awful beacause i have no idea where his head is at. And what kind of crap idea is it to fall for a man you dont realy know, yet feel like you've known all your life?


besides, it's all wrong. everything is wrong about it. and the only thing that's succeeded in happening is more pain for b.

he's all wrong for me and i love him.

i said it. there. I keep praying to God to help me forget him, and it's not working. I've been praying for forgiveness, and I just want my life back the way it was.

Nothing works. it's like he came in and just screwed everything up.

In other news, my reputation at work was successfully DESTROYED today. Officially. She's out to get me, and she's got me good.