Sunday, April 06, 2008

no one wins because everyone loses

And pain only cycles.

Recently, a friend of mine said some very, very hurtful words to me. She was expressing her frustration over something- a situation between us- and it manifested in the exchange of some very, very hurtful words. Especially when it took me a while to process and understand where she was coming from. What was worse, was the feeling that she could just shut me out so completely, that when I attempted to address her concerns, I felt I was met with hostility and indifference.

To be fair, she did not completely withdraw, and she always answered my messages. Let's be clear on that point.

However, when I approached her about the nature of her words, and informed her that if she wanted to hurt me, she'd succeeded. Her response was that perhaps that *was* her intention.

In turn, her words wounded me so deeply, and added to some other personal issues I was having at the time, that I shut down. I mean, what is the point when people feel that you've wronged them, and so they return by deliberately trying to hurt you? Why she couldn't just feel comfortable enough to come to me with her concerns and lay them out beforehand, I'll never know. I would have appreciated it if before lashing out and saying something beyond hurtful, she'd have called or emailed or texted or chatted me up and said "look, this is how I feel..." and yelled/screamed/shhouted/cried whatever about what was on her mind.

But I can't put my wishes on other people. So it stands:
She was hurt.
She hurt me.
I shut down, which only:
Hurt her.

Now, I haven't been home practically all day yesterday, from the early am until 5:00 am this morning. This morning, when I finally woke up, I had some messages from her asking me where I was and basically saying that she understood I needed space.

I responded to her, and it appears that now I'm on the out again.

Further complicating matters, a third party has now felt the right to approach me on my conduct and provide an opinion on something which in no way, shape, or form involves them.

Honestly, I have chased. My friend is hurt, and I chase. When I'm hurt, I get "whatever."

For the record, and please, all, do take note, as this next bit is in respone to the person who felt the need to involve themselves in my business:

I do not push my loved ones away. You have no *idea* the pain my friend's comment gave me, so do not presume to know that she hurt me "a little" and I responded by hurting her "a lot." Not once have I done or said anything to deliberately wound a person I'd consider a close personal friend. Do not presume to know my behavior, or suggest that I apologize.

For the last time, stay out of my business.

I stand by my post about loving people when they hurt you. When I wrote it, I honestly wasn't including this particular friend in it. I was surveying the latest developments in my life, the past and present, and expressing a desire to make a conscious choice not to trust the people whom I will meet in the future in the hope of avoiding this cycle.

Life is grey. Life is not black and white. Why does my being in pain = you being a bad person? It doesn't. Why can't this just be a growing pain or a misunderstanding? Why do I have to question myself and my feelings and my life because of a misunderstanding you had which could have been cleared up had you simply asked me, instead of feeling like I deliberately avoid you?

Why did you read into things that had nothing to do with you and decide that it was all about you?

I come to you when I take something you say personally. Why can't you do the same? Come to me first, before assuming it's all about you.

You hurt me, I brought it to your attention. The truth about why you were mad came out, and I told you what happened. We seemed to agree to disagree.

I'm not sorry for considering you first for everything I make time for. I'm not sorry for being there for you as much as I can be, even when you push me away and say hurtful things.

As I said before, I'm still here for you.

However, you hurt me, it still hurts, it's a deep, deep wound.
And I will not apologize to you for being hurt by you. Why is it okay for one person to lash out when they're hurt and angry, but if I do it, suddenly I'm in the wrong?

I don't think you're a horrible person. I don't think you're the bane of my existence. I think you lash out when you perceive pain, and for the first time, I've gotten a taste of how painful it can really be. But I refuse to try to meet you halfway and get the cold shoulder. I refuse to believe that the time and energy spent in this friendship can be gone like a snap of the fingers.

But any relationship is built on trust and faith, and when those are gone from one party, the relationship falters.

So, here I am, publicly declaring that I have not lost faith or trust in the relationship I have (active) with my friend.

But you hurt me. And I'm not apologizing for it.


1 comment:

City Love said...

christ, that's a horrible friend. first of all she thinks one simple blog post was ALL ABOUT HER even when it said "friends, family, and boyfriends". My God. And then to make matters worse, she's a huge screwup and then expects an apology from YOU?! Expects one? Who does she think she is? And then she messages you, when your status is NOT on yellow (away) stupidly thinking you're there, and you don't respond, and she offers to give you space! Christ, what a bitch. And then she brings up a problem and somehow that just implies that she's suggesting you're a bad person. God, she's horrible. But I still can't get over her assuming it's, quote, "all about [her]". Man, man, man.
It seems to me, in order to be friends with someone like that, you really have to *try* hard. Clap clap. Cause, seriously, doesn't seem worth it. You're a trooper.