Monday, April 14, 2008

if you love something let it go

it's weird.
i think he knows on one hand if i go, i'm never coming back.
i think he's holding out that what we sort of have is strong enough to pull me back.

he knows better than to ask me to stay. he knows i've wanted this my whole life.

i think he loves me... the way he smiles at me, the way he looks at me, the way he speaks softly to me, the way he remembers everything... i think that's why he gets quiet about me leaving... he let me know in january that if he had his way i'd stay, that his obvious choice if he had a vote is for me to stay, and he knows that if i stayed i'd be miserable.

so in answering his own vote, he wants me to go and live my life of no regrets.

too bad he can't come with me.

he wont help me leave, i know that much. he isn't going to help me research countries, or programs, or certifications. he'll just stand aside while i gather all my data, make a decision and let him know when my plane leaves.


and then he'll drive away, to his home, that he asked me to join, and continue the life he has, without me.

knowing, praying, wishing i'll come back.

That's the movie version. When I come back, he'll have moved on, there will be a woman in my place and no room at the inn for me.

What am I coming back FOR?


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