proof

The past couple of days have just reinforced the notion that my feelings are better left between myself and God.

My new life as an introvert begins.

bw

but i'm not sad one bit

I'm addicted to the following shows:
bridezillas
platinum weddings.

Bridezillas makes me laugh and cringe.
Platinum Weddings makes be believe in romance.

Somewhere lies the reality.

I'm terrified of marriage. Everything I see tells me it's possible to make a mistake. I watched the end of the Wedding Singer... I still haven't seen the whole flick...

This post is discombobulated but oh well.

I had my coffee read, and apparently I've already met my future husband.

I've started writing again.

I've started to not rely on my friends being there. I think I might put too much pressure on my friends to be there for me, and I realise that they might not really be there for me at all, so I've pretty much given everyone a free pass out. Those who want to stay have stayed. Everyone else it's like... it wasn't meant to be or maybe they've fulfilled their purpose.

This is tricky because I'm also learning not to boil my friend options down. I pretty much have one social circle. But I'm learning that it's okay to not only have friends outside of that, but also to engage and hang out with those other people on a regular basis.

The catch is knowing who is worth the time and who isn't.

I'm too damn picky.

It's funny; I'm picky with my friends but not picky with my men. I have zero standards when it comes to men... you just have to like me. It's not from desperation... it's from not wanting to be wrong. Like... what if true love was in the [insert string of adjectives here] that I passed on? You never know what form love will take.

So I've been writing and reflecting alot. Anything else you should know? Reconnecting with some people, not forcing some friendships, forging some new ones.

and thinking of all the people who are taller than me that I know.

bwa. haha. ha. hahaha.

bw

for crying out loud

Things happen on God's time.
Not yours, not mine.

God's.

My eggs are not expiring soon.
A husband is not going to magically appear.

If you need to see a wedding, propose to someone yourself.

thing is, though

there's this man. whose going through some stuff. and he pulled me into it, and then... disappeared.
and i cried about it and huffed and puffed and he makes no sense to me and i cried about it some more to his best friend about how he says actions speak louder than words and his actions are screaming that he doesnt want me but occasionally he throws me a bone with some words but hates it when i say "you're saying enough just to keep me around" and then his best friend (who sees life the way i do) kind of explained him to me...

"thing is, he's gathering the courage to say the little bits he says. so it's taking him days to say what you need to hear, because he's scared, and then he says it, and the timing's horribly off because of everything that's happened up until that point, but all he can say is what comes out. bad timing and all. then you point out the bad timing by not believing him cause you've got the memories and pain of everything he's not doing, and he retracts further because he may as well not say anything at all."

I sort of understand that. Then I said,
"it's like he's so afraid of hurting me, that he's hurting me."

to which the friend replied, "you just answered your own question about the whole matter right there. you just summed it all."

To which I then review. It doesn't solve all the issues, but it definetly provides a new perspective lens for me to view his actions through.

He wants me to spend the night. There's no way I will, but one night he gave me a hug and i said, "go home" and he said "i *am* home." i rolled my eyes.

maybe i shouldn't have. It's just that he's stuck me so far on the outside to protect me that none of it makes sense. but i think he's responded to the email complaint i sent him, because he's starting to return to the time when he'd tell me about plans or stuff. he's kind of starting to include me... and at first i was like "why is he telling me this stuff that has nothing to do with anything?" then i realised, "oh... he's trying to include me. oh. he's sharing. ooohhhhhhhh. hush up and go with it."

he's trying.
i'm trying.

it's frustrating.

parkpoliceman says i'm stupid for being in this position in the first place. he says if the end result is to get married and pop out his babies, then i should stay. but if that's not what i want, i should move on to a man who can give me what i want when i want it.

this isn't entirely a quote, but it's basically the jist and he did call me stupid for staying. Only I think this paints an unrealistic picture of what a relationship is like. no one is going to give me what i want when i want it unless I pay them and that's just not how i roll. but yeah.

aurgh.

none of this helps.

bw