Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I keep saying I'm over it but I'm not

I keep saying I'm over it, but I'm not.
I'm over it in the "it doesn't make me angry anymore" way but not in the "I'm so over it doesn't even cross my mind" way.

Why can we not be friends again? It just sucks that I lost a friend over bullshit, because he chose to interpret things personally when he had no business doing that (since the stuff he was interpreting wasn't even ABOUT him), then he made decisions based on the stuff that he fabricated and then got emotional over stuff that had no foundation.

It bothers me that I want to reach out & get my friend back, but I can't for fear of 6 months worth of rage and/or bitterness coming back. Not really fear, I'm not scared of it, I just don't want to deal with the bull aspect of it.

Why did I pick him over you? Because I saw him that way and didn't see you that way.
Why that became an intense emotional battle for months I will never know. Everyone told me to remove the source of the frustration and I didn't follow their advice for two reasons:
1. The situation was sticky enough without me making it worse by saying "oh yeah? well I don't need you as much as you thought I did!" MAYBE it would have taken a bit of the wind out of his sails, but for some reason I can't see it doing any long term good.
2. I (stupidly) believed that it would clear up. Blow over. I kept hoping it was a phase and that ultimately he'd regain his senses. But it just got worse and worse and more and more crippling.

Now, we don't talk at all. Funny thing is, he spent all this energy and then said "well, it's your turn" in a "i've tried very hard to keep this friendship afloat. it's your responsibility to come to me now." That would be fine, if it was true, when I'd spent all the same months asking "why can't we go back to being friends?"

So now, I have no idea where things stand. And that really really saddens me because he was a really good friend up until things got creepy. In fact, he was the one friend I could count on to support me no matter what, who I supported back no matter what.

Why do friendships have to die when love/amor/feelings/romantic intention isn't reciprocated? Why can't I just have my friend back?

Oh, by the way, this one is the FIRST one that actually IS about you.


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