come back

Tonight was opening night for TCP's The Last Five Years. I won't review the show, because I'm nice. I *will* say that the two look very nice together. The "casting" was... what it was. I will also say that Eva is the ideal musical theater girl. She's tall, she's curvy and she's got good looks and a voice to carry. I'd say she's a director's dream, but this show didn't have a director and that would get in to all the stuff I said I wouldn't talk about, so let's move on to other theatrical stuff...

Everyone who knows me & saw me (as an audience member) rallied to get mne back on the stage. One such person felt it her life's mission to convince me to return. Her only foible was this gem:

"You should do a show with TCP! [person's name] was telling us about how she needs people..."

Oh, really. Maybe she should have thought of that before she < edited >.

Anyways, I'm too bitter to come back. If and when I do return, I'm not coming here. At least, not to perform. I'll direct plays here, but I won't perform, and if I do somehow perform, SHE will NOT be the DIRECTOR. Actually, either way you look at it, she won't be the director, so the statement stands.

I was talking to an old theater friend (who produced this show) and I confessed that I think I'm not a nice person. Somewhere, I lost "nice." How, I'm a washed up, bitter old hag who can't even fake a "good show!" when what I really want to say is "what the fuck was that train wreck?" She shares my sentiments and we've both decided that we're going to Hell. I told her we'd be roomies and I'd keep her place warm for her. Get it? I crack me up. There's this thing that the female character does that REALLY REALLY REALLY annoys me to no end, and I shared it with Producer last Tuesday, and tonight when I saw her, I asked if anyone told her and she said "nope" (which is weird, why would you want that onstage? but if she's not telling... and I'm waaay past trying to help fix a show. Part of me is like "but it's a really simple thing to do that would make the show SO much better!" and the other part is like "leave it alone. it's her show, let her go down with it. that's how she wants it, let it be.") and after the show, Producer took a tray & started calling my name, making the movement. Now to anyone else, it would look like she was just being coy, but I knew better.

I love that woman.

My dad was right. I'm going to end up old, bitter and alone, having alienated everyone I love. Only thing is about alienation, I can't be friends with people these days, cause once they try something more, and you're not with it, then they stop talking to you. It's almost as if (she to) [<- sorry, me-zine reference].

Start over.

It's almost as if I'm destined to be alone. People keep leaving me to myself, most likely because they think I'm too busy & don't want to bother me. I'll say what I said back in HS: Let me make that decision. Let me be the one to say "no thanks, I'm busy, but thanks for letting me know you were thinking of me." DO NOT make that decision for me.

Others leave me alone 'cause they think I'm a bitch. In that case, I am, stay away.

I used to be happy. I used to be ridiculously happy. I used to wake up happy, and look at the clouds and see my future. I used to hug strangers and love the world.

Then life happened.

As far as always being alone, I get that it's a two way street. When you don't call, they stop calling. And I don't want to be a "whatever happened to..." I'm a "so I was out with banafsheh and OMG that girl is crazy. It took us three hours to get her down from the dance cage."

In that vein, I've started calling my friends.

I call this, "maintenance."

So at least two and I have reconnected, the third I have the intention of calling, but haven't yet. Dunno why. Prolly cause he's not single and I dont want to give her the impression I'm moving in on her man. Maybe I'll call him tomorrow and invite him to the dc slam event if they're available. That way she can come & then I'm not a threat. I hope a group comes, it would suck if it were just me and Kenny... we can have fun, but it stalls out without having something else there to perk it up.

So, back to reconnecting, it's crazy. It's crazy what happens when a person moves away. I had this great cleansing conversation that could have broken my heart a teeny bit, when my friend confessed that he had to leave for us to become better friends. it was funny at one point, when he said "it was like I was saying 'Hello! I'm right here! Hello!' and you were like 'That's nice, but anyway.'" But the time wasn't right and I don't think it will ever be. I think he wanted me to admit something that wasn't true, but we cleared that up, and basically left the conversation with the knowledge that we will always be there for each other, as friends. I will always love him as a friend, and I think he gets that. It was such a GOOD conversation, and I havent had one of those in a long time. We talked about THEATER. He picked my brain, vented about his day, told me about his work, and God, for a minute I felt alive again. I felt like I was there, in group classes, like I was in rehearsal, like I was with him in the room as the instructor's reaming one of the classmates. Like I had done the research for the scene, read the play and ripped it apart into beats and motivations with action verbs that carry me through to the next beat. Like I was diving within myself, looking under the rocks my emotions had becme to see what things were festering in the dark I had provided them with, bringing them up and saying "This Is Me."

God, it felt very good.

I almost miss it.

So we promised we're going to make an effort to talk every day. I don't even talk to my mom every day, so we'll see how long that lasts, and I amended it right after we said it, but still. I'm going to try. He's the only person who understands how my brain works. Wow... did I write that? I'm not sure how true that is, but I definetly know I'm living vicariously through him at the moment. I know that last night was the most fun I'd had in a long time. Theatrically, yeah, I guess... he's the only person I can talk to on an actor level who is going to challenge me. Kenny's a tech. Jevan's a tech. Jasmine's a tech/actor, and it's still not the same. He and I speak the same language. I think my excitement is just really nostalgic; it's been years since I've spoken to anyone in the business about the business, about the process of the business. I felt like when I return to the stage, that I'll be one of those people who theater will have passed by, and talking to him, I know I've still got it.

I think I'm ready. Not ready to stand on stage, but ready to watch some shows again. Current theatrical goal: to see The Lion King, Wicked and Avenue Q. The other shows can wait. I can't anymore.

b