Sunday, July 23, 2006

being alone, out with the old, and reclaiming lost loves.

being alone:
I woke up and half the day was already gone. it was 1 something in the afternoon, and I'd missed the opportunity to get much of what I wanted done. Then among mom's first words to me are "you should go downstairs & do some tae bo."

How many last straws must I endure before she lays off of my body?

So I fire back with "have you seen my body?!?"
Which, of course offends her and now we're not talking.

Other list of people I'm not talking to: my friends. Sure, I'm down to two now anyways, but I really had to think about it. I had a disagreement with one that ended in silence, and granted the silence is being extended on my side, bue I'm continuing it for my own reasons which I'll get into after I get through why I'm not talking to the other one (and by "not talking to" I dont mean "complete silence," I mean "not in the same way/capacity"). He instigates. I didn't realize how easily I fall prey to his instigation until last night or two nights ago when I let slide that things had changed between myself and the other friend (keep yer yap shut, banafsheh) and within minutes it had been blown completely out of proportion and assumptions were being made that had nothing to do with why I was upset in the first place. One of those "not-the-point-but-the-principle" deals.

So I examined my life today and my friends and how I fit into the grand scheme of social circles and realized that I (yet again) give too much t=stock into what people say. I mean, who gives a rat's ass? If I'm not getting along with someone, or if I choose to spend some alone time from someone for whatever personal reason I've got, it's not your business. Not only that, but who are you to turn it into stuff it's not by assumption? So I decided to have formal friendships and relationships with the both of them until I can sort out how to handle myself.

It just bugs me that being single has just as much drama, it seems, even more, than being in a relationship. At least in being in a relationship, you only had drama with one other person. Being single seems to be much more complicated. When I was first alone, the pendulum swung in such a dramatic way, I didn't care about anyone, I didnt care what anyone thought and I didn't feel like dealing with anyone's shit.

Now I think the pendulum's swung back without me managing to find the balance. I care too much what people think, and I keep seeking approval.

Fuck other people. I'm going to get my stuff done. And If I'm alone, so be it. So stop trying to get me with someone, stop asking me "so, how are you and so-and-so doing?" because it's a bullshit question and I'm not going to answer it seriously anymore. Prepare for "he died. thanks for your concern. funeral's wednesday."

There's a difference between DEpendance, INdependance and INTERdependance. I've been the first, truck my way to the second and crave the third.

Which is why I've given up on the third. I'd settle for the second but Humans are inherently social beings and I don't want to die without having human compassion and love bestowed upon me. So I'll do like I said I would & adopt kids. I'm too awkward & rambly around people I like and I hold people I love to standards higher than people I don't. So I'll never be satisfied.


out with the old:
I'm going through my closet & dumping out everything I havent ever worn, or haven't worn in a long time. I'm tired of my life being a mess. The whole deal behind being single was to get my life in order, damnit. fine job I've done of that.

reclaiming lost loves:
I'm turning myself off to romance and relationships. Everything I've got and will have will be strictly plutonic unless the male in the situation says "I'd like to pursue something with you." Which I will attend on a case-by-case basis. The fact that no one likes me at this point makes this easy. It provides me with the ability to return to my long lost love: the stage. I've started to look at bilaws again. I've started scouting real estate again. I'm talking to folks who can get stuff in motion. Hpoefully by this time next year, I'll have a company. My idea of life isn't yours, world. I've known I'm going to be alone in this. The sooner I accept that, the sooner I can stop wasting time and emotion on people who aren't going to understand what I mean anyway. Oddly, I'm happy. =)


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