Thursday, August 10, 2006

The inner art of Self

I feel good.
Last night, in addition to talking to MSI and getting the whole PA ball rolling, which is really great... I got the phone call. The "save us, we need you" phone call.

It's nice to get that call.
And I'd actually do it, if my schedule allowed.

Which it doesn't.

But I've let go enough where I would do something with them if it did.
Which it doesn't.

So I won't. But it was nice to get the call anyways. And I agreed to meet with them face to face. Who knows, I might get a contact out of the non-deal.

Marc and MSI have been my saviours these past few days. Marc especially, because he keeps acting so shocked when I hit high notes, or sing the part to the Diva in the 5th element, and he keeps telling me I'm going to be on his record... and...

Tonight I'm sitting here, and it hits me. I need to get back to the things I've always wanted to do. They're who I am. I am my craft, and my craft is me.

Damnit, I've missed my craft. And I've never felt so proactive before, in terms of being settled. I don't have to be bitter... I looked at so much which is passing me by while I'm stuck in this depression and it's not getting anyone anywhere.

I love my life. Now. Not when I graduate, NOW. I've accomplished a ton, and I've been able to do it with minimum breakdowns. I'm happy NOW. Not because some guy likes me or doesn't like me, or because I measure up against some imaginary intangible standard that only changes depending on which cultural standards I'm adhering to at the moment.

I'm a good girl. And I'm working on the balance.

And it feels good.

Day 6 of the new attitude... had a minor setback where I felt myself going back to the pits of insecurity, but I pulled myself out of it by calling a friend for distraction. Ultimate goal: to be able to pull MYSELF out.

Day 06 of the new attitude: I'm still good.

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