when it's not your fault, it's your responsibility

I'm pretty sure we're all clear on how I moonlight as a workaholic, holding several jobs down to support my family, blah blah blah.

It's not the work that bothers me. It's the "supporting my family" that does. I get how men of old must've felt; busting their asses & getting shit when they got home. Sure, they don't know all that'd gone on in their absence, but neither party sees it that way.

I did something... I had authorization to do it, but apparently the person who gave me the authorization feels she wouldnt have done it had she known a particular part. Well, that part didnt come up in the consultation about wether or not I should do this thing, and she never asked, so I didn't think to bring it up. So we agree for me to go ahead, and I went ahead.

This past saturday, what was left hit the fan. Now I said I'd try to take care of it today, and I rushed & made a 50 min commute in 20 (during rush hour no less) to make sure I got there with time to spare to sort it all out. It didn't get sorted out. It might tomorrow, but here, "tomorrow" is a taboo word that is likely to put you out on the street. And then where were you when I called you 17 times? Whatever executive decision I made, bite me. You weren't there, and when I called you for input, you still weren't there. You're never there.

Thing that I dont get is, you said I could, so I did. So why is this all my fault? Why am I the bad one? Why do you think I deliberately made a move when I refuse to do that very thing without your expressed permission, and without deliberation as to the consequences? We deliberated the consequences, is it my fault you didn't ask? I didn't think to bring it up, else I would have.

Oh, but you see that as deliberate, too.

Why is everything so Goddamn serious?

What happened to laughter and light?

Why are you always the victim?

Sure, this particular situation isn't funny, but when's the last time you laughed? Hell, when's the last time I laughed?

I'm sorry you think I'm ruining your life, or my life, or our life.

Oh well.

I'd move out, but 1. I dont think I could afford it, and 2. Even if I could afford it, I'd still feel obligated to share my money with you and then #1 again.

It's either me or you. I'm not quite there yet, but I'm close.

Very close.

b