Friday, January 05, 2007

when anxieties attack

This sounds mean, but I'm used to being the good looking one in the relationship. Except for Brent, but he loved me so much for proving people wrong that he doesn't count.

Now I'm involved with a good looking man, and I dunno... I feel... is threatened the word?

Who knows. Maybe that's why I'm being so crazy. I don't want to lose the good thing I've got. There's a lot to be scared of, scared I'm gonna worry about fracking up so much that I actually will... scared of...

And I discussed this with a friend last night:

Scared of being happy. I managed my other relationships cause they didn't make me happy... it was my twisted penance for ruining the best man in my life up until then.

Now, I've got someone who is actually better suited for me. He isn't trying to rescue me; he's trying to support me. And that's something I've never ever had.

I don't know what to do with it, and some nights it tears me up inside. I feel like... I dunno... like all I have to do is let go, and take a risk, and let him in... and I just get stopped short.

I haven't let anyone in since... Since. And here's someone I could totally let go and let in, and I can't. I've been spending so much time living inside my fort that I forgot where the lever to let down the drawbridge is...

I dunno, I dunno, I dunno. I do know that I *have* to let it go. The reason why I'm hanging on to the memory I think (there's tons, so don't go "na-ah, you said the reason was X") I think is because marriage wasn't the answer. Marriage was the "solution" to the problem. We loved each other, and my life (family wise) was an absolute mess, so the way to fix it was to get hitched, move out, move in together, and start a new life.


But reality hit me before the dream died and maybe that's why I'm still holding on to that little hope of being rescued. But then there's the "what if" factor... What if he's out there waiting for me to make the first move?

Then I think, "Fuck that. YOU should make the first move. I've been making the first move for both of us for so freaking long. YOU man up."

Which returns me to the fact that we're NOT meant to be together after all, cause if you want something, you go get it, and you fight for it, and you make it work, and no one's fighting.

Except me.

For another man.

So that's when I realize that I'll be okay. My love isn't misplaced. It's just different. And that's okay. And I've got someone who wants to help me find the lever to my drawbridge, even if he's stuck on the outside.

And that's powerful. I've got someone who, despite me being confused because I don't have all the facts, still loves me. And I try very hard not to try his patience, but the fact remains that this is still new, and we're still growing, and most frusteratingly:

He's more popular than I am, and good looking, and amazing, and sweet and sincere and of course women are going to want to be around him, and I should let that go, and learn to deal with the fact that no one wants to be around a girl who's bloated, cabin fevered up to the hilt whose digestive system is more comparable to a goose than a Human being.


I'd be so lost without him, and THAT scares me more.

How did I ever become so dependent on someone? I gotta love me more.


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