Tuesday, March 27, 2007

a lot has happened

my boyfriend was moving away, and i'd gotten prepared for that, then i realized that I didnt want to be in a long distance relationship, and now he's not going and i feel horrible.

someone said something once that is so true I have no idea how not to make it true... they said that i sabotage relationships.

and then I was talking to Ritah today and she said that I have to make sure that the fact that he stayed doesn't break us up, and she's right about that, cause he hasn't looked me in the eye and said this decision is what he wants, so I can't help thinking it's not really his decision... that he feels like "the people closest to me dont want me to go for whatever reason, and i dont feel like fighting them so whatever." I just feel so responsible. And my instinct is to push him away so that he'll have to go, but I have to fight that because the last thing I ever want to hear is "I did this for you."


And THEN it turns out that Ritah's boyfriend, London, happens to BE in Australia at this very moment, and then I just feel super awful. I *know* that I need to trust *my* boyfriend, to tell me when something isn't okay... but... the fact is, I don't. I don't think he'd come to me with any issues because he might see me as the primary naysayer. I just feel horrible. And I can't shake it. I feel like the one thing he wanted to do was go to Australia. I mean, he can still go to Australia. There's nothing stopping him from that. But he wanted to go to Business school in Australia. I dunno. I just feel so responsible. Like... He and I talked about it... not really. He listened to what I said other people had to say about his going, then when I got home, I prayed about that and about some stuff at work, and then the next day, he said he wasn't going anymore. Which freaked me out even further because his mother's last words to me were "whatever God wills. it's in God's hands." Then I happen to pray about it that night, and then the next day he's not going. Mom says the prayer did it. Thanks for adding one more layer to why I feel responsible.

And then there's the question of freedom. Everyone needs freedom in a relationship. Do I give enough? Considering I hardly see him, I think so, but you never know one's perception.

I do know that I screw up relationships on purpose. I do know that for a while, I was letting him love me and now I think I've shut that off and I don't know why. I'm scared. I guess. I'm scared... scared he's going to look at me one day and say "this isn't what I want at all. Goodbye."

I guess that's part of life... because the men I love always end up leaving in some shape or form anyway. I dunno.

Maybe this is what it is to be depressed. I dont want to do anything or go anywhere, the very things that used to make me happy... like writing, feel like such a burden to me. Like everything just takes too much effort. There was a time when I felt atop of my game... I had my poetry site, people were writing, I was writing... I was getting stuff together for my theater, getting clips of ideas, buying stuff for sets... Now... It's been months since I've even looked at the site, days since I've thought of it, I feel like I'm in a rut.

Only thing is, odd thing is, it feels like it's part of my destiny or something. cause even though i didnt answer any of the questions that were put to me, they still emailed me like I've got the job.

Life takes initiative, but it's the initiative that scares me.

I need a push back to who I was, and I'm scared.

I think I dont deserve love. I've screwed up so many lives. What gives me the right to be happy? One day, he'll turn to me and say "you're not worth this much pain." and he'll go. I'm scared of holding on so tightly he'll suffocate and leave... I'm scared of giving so much freedom he'll either take advantage of it or think I don't care... I'm scared I don't know the balance yet, and I'll screw up either way.

I'm just scared and no one is telling me that everything is going to be okay.

Doesn't that mean that it's not?

yours truly,

Head Basketcase.

1 comment:

J.W. said...

Everything is going to be ok. You are not as screwed up as you think you are.