Thursday, March 27, 2008

pruning hurts

today the corgi said that i was like a little butterfly, still in my cocoon, growing wings. it was really cute when he said it, with a touch of the poetic.

I have a kind of not really date in two mondays. Park Police Man is back, and I think he asked me out... but I'm not sure. Basically it's my turn to see his house. So we caught up some, and we reminisced some, and I asked him why he dropped off the face of the planet and he said because he'd gotten the "dont talk to my woman" look from my bf at the time. Which kind of begs the question, "then why did you call... did you hear we weren't together anymore?" but I didn't ask. I'll ask when I see him. He must've heard cause he didn't seem surprised when I told him, beyond a generic "man I thought ya'll were forever..." which is the same thing I'm used to hearing which is fine cause the more I heard it the easier it got. Anyways, I'm seeing him soon.

Which will be nice.

In other news, I'm being punished for making the bear happy. I'm not taking it that seriously, but it still hurt. I've since gotten over it though. Speaking of the bear, who knows if he's free? He doesn't. Further, he's missing the birthday and is skipping out on the next two fridays. But that's somehow okay because I'm such a forgiver.


Here's the thing. I don't want to jump from one relationship to another. In fact, I'm resisting it with every fiber of my being, and I think that's why I'm pursuing this non-date date with PPM in the coming monday. But I'm SO DAMN LOYAL that it's really hard to look at anyone else, even though I'm completely single and need to be seeing PEOPLE right now, and NOT playing house with anyone. So I'm glad that PPM spoke up when he did, cause he's safe, and we can just... hang out instead of it being a date date. In fact, considering how PPM's get-together goes, I might take the other guy up on his offer, considering I owe him a lunch and all.

I need to learn how to "see other people." Dating does not mean exclusive. I need to learn this. I just always feel like I'm betraying someone. But I'm learning.

Like the corgi said, I'm in my cocoon, about to become a butterfly. He asked me, "what do YOU want?" and it totally caught me off guard, because I had not considered my voice before. I don't want to go from one relationship into another. I know that. I know that the more we hang out, the more it feels like that, and I know that people have a way of making a couple where the couple hasn't agreed to be one... then it only takes one person to buy into that and then it gets awkward. Do I like him? Yes. Could I be in a relationship with him? Yes. Do I want to right this second? No. Do I think it's wise to get in one with him right this second? NO. Do I think I should be in a relationship with ANYONE right this second? No.

All I know is that if I had my way, I'd be with the bear. Situation and all. I'd be in his arms, being fed grapes with a flat ginger ale by my side. But I can't have what I want. And this is kind of one of those "test of time" things, where who knows what would happen if one of us left for an extended period of time. Would we get over it? Would the withdrawal still hurt as much? It *hurts* when he's not around. As in physical pain. I wonder how he is, where he is, what our plans are and how we can make things work. Then I think, all that's dumb. It can't work.

This will only end in my tears.


I'm tired of heartache.


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