Thursday, June 29, 2006

when men lie pt I

Disclaimer: I'm pretty sure that if you read any thing inside of quotation marks, it's not a direct quote.

There's a guy I know.
He took a chance one day & told me he liked me. I don't feel the same way about him.
That SHOULD have been the end.
But it wasn't.
He then sent me the longest emails I've ever seen. Personal feelings I didn't need to know about. It made me uncomfortable. I'd say so. He'd seem to get it, lay off, and then start back up.

I saw that he didn't get it.

It got bad... it got to the point where I was avoiding the internet for the inability to function after reading one of his emails. They were and are so stressful that I'd actually be affected enough not to properly function.

Then finally I had enough.

Three days ago, he sent an email saying that he would never email me again.
I was elated.
Yesterday, he sent another one.

So in the last two emails, he mentioned something like how I should look at why he manages to get under my skin, insinuating that perhaps I have some affection after all. He alluded to this twice. In the "last" email, and in the actual last email.

His lack of self control only supports my belief that he lies, and he has the BIGGEST EGO I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A PERSON.
He can't even tell me he's not going to email me again without renigging on it two days later. When I call him on his possessive stuff, he backs down and takes a day to change tactics.

I tell him he makes me uncomfortable, and that his "supportive" comments backfired because they make me uncomfortable.

BACK IN APRIL he said he was going to stop reading my blog. I actually believe that for a while, he did. But then, I took May off from the internet (because of him) and now we're in June, so his attention span must've run out or something because he read the post I wrote about the new guy sending me the text messages and how I thought they were cute because he sent me an instant message a few days later bright & early in the morning saying (this is a near if not direct quote) "Good morning sunchine! I know I'm copying the text messages, but I don't care. I'm in a good mood. Good morning Sunshine!"

This had to be the last straw. Even the TextMessageMan (heretofore known as TMM) only sent me TWO text messages. TWO. When I didn't respond, he STOPPED SENDING THEM. He tried, he tried again because maybe I didn't see the first one, or maybe alot of things, and when I didn't respond *again*, he STOPPED.

Good guy.

This guy... This guy is so wrapped up in his own ego, he doesn't even care about how what he does affects me. If he did, he wouldn't do them. I've told him that his comments have an adverse effect on me, and yet, there he is, lamenting again. Or asking me what others have that he hasn't. Well a sense of when to shut the fuck up, for one. I should not be the receiver of ANY of these emails! That's what your friends are for! But he goes on, "you met this guy and you agreed to marry him? well, I have a cute little sister! and my mom can knit, too!"

And it's not a competition because I still dont care!

It all started when I had this idea for a magazine. Stemming from that, I had an idea for a place where writers could work on their art... like an electronic version of what the Harlem Renaissance poets used to do. They used to build up works, tear down works, challenge the author's medium, purpose, voice... and we read their legacy to our children. He offered his services as a webmaster, and we got to work on the site. I named it for the magazine I eventually want it to become, nabbing the url before anyone else, and we discussed what it should do, and how it should be partitioned, or whatever it's called.

Point is, he wasn't helping me because he was believed in the idea. Maybe he did, to a small extent. What he was really doing was helping me so that he could get in with me, closer to me, etc. Feel better about himself because "look at what I do for her. She needs me."

That's fucking ego.
The "what's he got that I haven't" is ego, the "do you see me as just a programmer?" that's ego. The fact that he cant even STAY AWAY FROM ME WHEN I TELL YOU THAT YOU DISTURB ME AND THAT I CANNOT BE IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU WITHOUT A BUFFER... is ego.

I'd expect if I told him that, he'd send me another email asking me to look into MYSELF about why that is. Oh wait, he already has.

Or that he sends emails (that I dont respond to) continuing a conversation that he's having with me in HIS HEAD since I am not participating in any way, and then sends me the responses (again, pages long) replying to things he either assumes I would have said, or believes me to have said. One such email begins, (quote) "You're right, I'm too clingy." I have NEVER said that to him. He sent me one-sided emails for about a month, continuing a conversation I never had. Ego. You don't know what I would say. Where do you get off, really?!

WTF? Who cares WHY you make me uncomfortable, YOU DO. End of story. Maybe it's that you keep coming to ME with all your troubles ABOUT ME. Who does that? Do you not have friends you can lament to? I tell you you make me uncomfortable, and you send me poems about what a poem to me would look like?

And you want me to look at MYSELF?


You sign off emails "< name >, #1 fan, #15 guy"

Another sign of ego. You have no idea who my number one fan is. My number one fan wants what's best for ME. Not what's best for me as HE sees it, or himself being what's best for me. And don't assume you know where you are on the list. Yes, there was a point where there were multiple people on the list, and that was stress in itself, cause I was like "where the heck did all these people come from and why the hell did they all decide to like me, and ooh, who is the tall one?" But you have NO IDEA where you are on the list. But I'll help you out with that.

You're not on it. Period.

Oh! I almost forgot! the part where he threatens to take his code from my site. If what? If I don't go out with you? Do you listen to yourself? How threatening and MANIPULATIVE and childish is that? And then (pure example of how he retracts things to make them "better" not realizing how exactly he's incriminating himself... says "I was just saying that you have no leverage." Oh? That statement made me laugh the hardest. Because I do, and I'm too nice to use it, and too smart to write it here. It also ties into my next post: When Men Lie, pt II, but I'll leave it off for now.

Anyways, for so long I wanted to scream, "get over me!"
Now, I find, I want to scream, "get over YOURSELF!"

Thank you, this has been most cathartic.


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