Tuesday, June 20, 2006

the thing about space

I'm going to preface this by saying I'm hormonal. Take it with a grain of whatever preservative you choose to use. I also seem to have to get alot out. If you've read this far... you have my sympathy.

On myspace, there are these bulletins I became addicted to, thanks to Poppy. It's funny... he used to not be able to let an email survey go by, where I *never* filled them out. Then one day I thought, "well, what the hell" and did it. Since then, I actually started using myspace (for the videos) and I'd just get sucked in to completing another bulletin survey. The irony is that Poppy no longer does them. Punk.

Anyways, one of the most frequent questions asked on aforementioned surveys is "can long distance relationships work?"

I always answer, "yes," because I know from experience that they can. The key is communication, or so I thought. Today I learned another key.


There has to be interest. I always thought that the point was communication. But without interest, there's no point TO communication. Why bother responding when you're not interested? I swear, I'd pick up "He's just not in to you" but I think I'm scared I'd find out some people's true feelings.

Touching on feelings, TB always said something to the effect that "matters of the heart never make sense"... that's a paraphrase, and I know I butchered it, cause he makes it sound much more poetic, but anyways... I'd apologize for liking people and he'd shrug it off. He's a tough one, that man. But he's right, damn him. Why do I always like people I shouldn't be with? Either they're on the clingy side or they're on the "the only way you know I like you is cause I tell you so" side.

Which I have now come to despise. As of today, if you don't make a move, I write you off. Period.

This edict hurts already, cause it applies to someone I was starting to like. Who I have repeatedly written off, and repeatedly keep coming back to. This isn't good. This is friggin Briget Jones's Diary mess. But I mean, I have people constantly giving me chips like "thinking of you" or even just calling to see how I am, and from this one, nothing. Nothing like that, at least. Nothing to reinforce blue moon statements. Maybe he's shy. Maybe there's a justification for that, but all I know is I want to face him and say "I don't think you like me. Maybe you've convinced yourself you like me or someone else has. Let me stop wasting your time."

Maybe I'm wrong. Who knows. But I just dont want to be the one putting energy into something that doesn't face a return. Maybe he's just not romantic, and that's what I'm used to. Maybe he just doesnt DO chips like everyone else. Maybe that's not his gig. That's cool too... but like... if the only thing I have to go by is the fact that you answered your phone... C'mon. PLEASE let me stop wasting your time. Because I think I've gotten back to the point where I'd like to be able to go out with someone again, and if it's not gonna be you, I need to know before I actually let myself feel again. If I'm gonna start taking bricks down from this fortress I've spent years developing, I need to know that there's someone taking them down from the other side. Because I'm out of options. I've tried to engage conversation, and I get jack back. That's a hint to me in the negative, so I don't get why this person seems to want to spend time with me. I don't get it cause the words don't match the actions. USUALLY when I notice that, I'm out. But for some reason, some sadistic reason, I'm still here on this one.

Maybe I like torturing myself.


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