Saturday, August 13, 2005


For all those of you who are actively trying to ensnare me into a committed relationship, stop it.

For all those of you who are actively trying to sleep with me without the confines of a committed relationship, stop it.

For whoever is left over that just wants to enjoy my company either on a 1-1 or in a group, this does not apply to you. You're doing fine. Having plutonic and professional fun is great. I know where I stand at all times, and it's clear cut.

As far as the people who want to sleep with me, while i appreciate honesty, there's a point when it becomes crass and disgusting. That is the point where you need to back off. I get the picture. I know what you would do to me if you got the chance. But you're not getting the chance. Leave me the F*CK alone.

Now, for the people who are trying to get me into a committed relationship... Look. I don't know what I want right now. I'm in the process of figuring it out, and that's because I'm finally single. And I *like* being single. I haven't been this single since before I even learned that there was a difference between boys and girls. I'm not saying that you'll never get me into one... I'm just saying that I'm scared of finding mister right. There I said it. I'm scared of finding Mr. Right. Actually, that's not it. I'm scared that... omg, I have no idea how to say this at all. I'm scared that this guy I like likes me way more than I like him, or that he likes me more than I'm allowing myself to like him back... but the reality is that I haven't known him long and while i'm probably reading WAY too much into everything I still have that trusty old firewall up, and I'm scared of hurting him just like i've hurt everyone else. I mean, I have NO IDEA how he REALLY feels about me, and I'm too scared to find out, because what if he *does* like me more than I like him... won't that be awkward? I mean, sure, I can see myself spending my life with him. Yes, I can do that. But I mean, I think he went and started... I mean... well...

I'm still single, aren't I?

Aren't I???

So what if he's the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning and the last thing I think of when I go to bed at night. But that's just it! That's the problem, because I think we're both doing that "inventing the other person in your head" thing, which bothers me. I don't understand any of this. I want this feeling in my stomach to go away. I want to be friends with him until I can figure out what is going on, because honest to God, everything feels like it's moving so fast... it's like a cyclone... One day we're picking out honeymoon destinations, the next day he's looking up housing, and the day after that i'm going out with my friends like nothing happened. This is too much for me. I know that I do NOT want to be someone's girlfriend. I've made that abundantly clear. It's like... its like my heart and body decided that my head screws everything up so it'll make the decisions without it and now my head is like "wait a minute! how did we get here? what happened?" I think my head needs to drive for a while.

I dont want a boyfriend... What the hell is going on?

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