Saturday, October 22, 2005

i'm so happy

I got a text message this morning from... I have to think of a name for him... Wow, this is harder than I thought... What name do I make up for a person who was such a good actor at playing evil that he gave me nightmares for two weeks until I met him a year later at a party I ended up hooking up with a man who would later become my fiance and then I found out that scary guy wasnt so scary and REALLY HOT and we all stayed up watching Angus until he fell asleep and then FirstLove and I made out but two years later (four years ago) that fell apart because I made it fall apart and this year he looked me up & emailed me and now we're getting to be good friends? What do I call him? Hot Theater Tech Boy? Hot Theater Tech MAN. HTTM.

Okay so HTTM texts me this morning with a generic how are you, hope you're okay, and it made my morning. I'm not okay. I'm in a ton of pain, but it was nice to know that he still checks in on me. Which made me think of the other people that have checked in on me, namely ItsNotAwkwardAnymore, who reminded me that I'm a writer and should be writing. That meant the absolute world to me. This is my vent space, goddamnit and here I shall vent. If I vent about you, that's part of the give & take, isn't it. You read to see what's going on in my life, and if what's going on in my life is you, then you might see you here. If you can't take that, don't read my blog. It's a chance you take. It's also why I protect people's real identities with madeup names.

Anyways, I saw TCP's Choreographer today, completely forgetting that they're rehearsing for Nuncrackers, and we caught up. She lied & said I look good as always, and I laughed and told her briefly about what's been going on in my life. She's still in shock, and got kinda miffed when I said I wasn't doing theater anymore. She was like "What do you mean you're not performing, [her business partner and her] have been looking for you because we've got some shows coming up" and I explained why and she said to leave this place & go to some real theaters and then I explained futher that I can't perform even if I wanted to, because I can't do my job. I'm emotionally paralyzed, how am I supposed to act with no emotions? I can't even go up or down a flight of stairs without getting dizzy how am I supposed to do jazz & ballet combinations? How can I do my job? I can't. So she told me they're precasting this August Wilson play, (who just HAPPENS to be my favourite playwright of all time who also just recently died) and then we discussed the beauty and poeticness of his death and then I talked about my views on death, which she said was a very functional perspective.

So that made me happy, that she was mad at me for not acting. ItsNotAwkwardAnymore is mad at me for not writing, TCPChoreo is mad at me for not acting... I'm glad. It means my artistic presence is missed in the field. My friends have been calling me to check up on me, which means my presence is missed in their lives. In all, it's very rewarding to have people call you and say "where the hell are you/have you been?"

It's also amusing, cause I came to work and I wasn't smiling. That's all... well aside from the fact that it's raining and thus I have a monster headache... All that was different was I wasn't smiling (unless there was some signal they could pick up on that I didn't know I was sending)... and it reminded me of all the times the guards ask me if something's wrong if all I'm doing is not smiling. The thought of that made me laugh, because it was like if i'm not smiling then something's wrong. I know I just restated the sentence, but it tickles me. That's how often I've got a smile on my face. I smile so much that people worry if I'm not.

I love that.

So, good things happened to me today. Head hurts like a mother, but eh it hurts everyday. So...

Anyways, tonight is singles night. I'm going out of sheer curiosity. Singles night = trap. Don't ever forget it. All they do is throw "singles night" as an excuse to let two people get together under the guise of a party, and if you should find someone and it wasn't part of their pre-established master plan of how the night was supposed to go for their benefit and specifically not yours, they'll gossip about you until they're ruined your good name in light of their own. So I'm going. Sadistic, ain't it? I figure I go & be set dressing, and get the dirt firsthand. I bet there won't even be any good looking guys there. I'm more worried about how I'm going to drive home. So I'm not staying long. I wasn't even going (since I didnt know about it) but mom tells me last night "tomorrow we're going to ___'s house for singles night" and I respond "tomorrow I have a paper to revise" and she comes back with "well, you're still going anyways". So I'm going. But I'm not staying long. The moment I get tired, I'm going home. 'Cause I do not want to fall asleep behind the wheel, driving home from a social mixer meant for other people to get hooked up on a saturday night. Maybe if it was monday I wouldn't mind falling asleep behind the wheel, but a Saturday? forget it. [if you couldnt pickup on that sarcasm... you need help]

And speaking of papers, I now know I am not an overachiever. I think I'm not saying anything new here, but my draft that I cranked out an hour before class landed me a preliminary B for content and C for mechanics. I'm sitting here trying to revise it, and I'm like "why am i Stressing over this? it's a b! that's good! I'm fine with a b." So I might fix the mechanics some but I mean, it's a decent paper. What do I need an A for? I'm not stressing. So I'll revise it since that's the assignment, but I'm not "OMG I NEED AN A" stressing. I got a B on a paper I cranked out an hour before class. That's the accomplishment.

Anyways, that's about everything. I have more, but I'll save it for another day.
=) Besides, I think that's long enough, don't you?

Welcome Back, banaf5h3h. I've missed me.

< editor's note: > I KNOW that the singles night/trap paragraph has a ton of sentence fragments in it. I do NOT feel like revising it. Take some of the periods out in your mind and slice them together to form a flowing phrase that isn't stopped short with a period. Thank you. =)

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