there went the bride

so i got an email today from a friend of mine at work who is getting married. As in her boyfriend keeps proposing, she keeps tuning him down, and yet we keep going to the bridal shop during her break to look at dresses.

Anyways, this email was a picture of a dress from Maggie Sottero that she was considering, and she sent it to two or three people for feedback. I don't like the dress at all... at least, it's nice on the model but I don't think it would flatter her... but instead of telling her just that, I'm looking at the site to see if there's anything else I like that I can suggest to her in its place, or at least for further consideration.

So here I am, sifting through all these dresses I'm not impressed with when it hits me:

I'm never getting married. I don't think I'm girly enough.

Aside from that, I'm sick of it coming up in conversation. From avoiding one suitor COMPLETELY... to wondering if i'll ever be able to have a male plutonic friend again...

in other news, I talked to the exbestfriend last night. turns out he's going out with the other exbestfriend, and we had a lovely conversation; the first in months. Unfortunately, I can never speak to him again, since the reason she and i broke up was because she thought i was trying to steal all her crushes. meanwhile, i'm going through not being able to like him because they went out, and i didnt want to be called a manstealer again, so no matter how many times we liked each other, i never let us actually go out (my loss, he's great, but things turn out the way they should because:) and now it turns out they're dating again. So I'm glad I held off, but the problem is, now that he and i can have the strictly plutonic relationship I crave with him because he's dating her, I can't talk to him again BECAUSE he's dating her, and I don't want her to have the impression I'm stepping in on her man, since he and I haven't spoken much since January except for the one night in February when I made him birthday dinner and cake.

why is life so complicated? I'm tired of being so frigging considerate of other people's emotions. Why can't I just talk to my old best friend again without having the fear of it being misconstrued as something else?

Why can't I write that I like someone without getting an email about it?
Speaking of that... let's do the irritated part first. It irritates me that someone in my life feels like they have the right to know my business. If I offer something, fine, but where the hell do you get off saying you think you have the right to ask me questions because you like me? because you feel like you've invested some emotion in me that justifies you demanding to know aspects of my life, like why i like someone or what they've got that you don't. what the fuck is that? that's horseshit!

i appreciate what you've done for me, but that isn't a prerequesite for liking you. i'm not obligated to like you because you helped me get something off the ground... true, that happens with partners, but this isn't figureskating. I'm just so very angry about that whole thing. Its like there's a condition for the friendship. BUT, when I call the person out on the many things he's said, the first thing he does is retract it all, not realizing that in some retractions, he further incriminates himself.

I just want him to leave me alone. Period. Only, I have to work with him... but that might not be a problem since...

well...

the second part of the "why can't i like someone" is well... why can't i like someone?

I think I'm deluding myself. I thought this person liked me as in "hey, you're cool" and i liked them back in the same way, but then I don't know. I think I'm the only one in the friendship at this point. Maybe it just needs some face time. Too early to tell.

b