Tuesday, January 05, 2016

Mic Check

Hello, It's been a while since I wrote anything. Writing used to be the way I got through my feelings... There was something therapeutic about structuring my thoughts that seemed to work for my personality. Then I got married and had a baby and forgot what it was like to write.

I don't know if you're out there, or if this has been silent for too long, but I'm still here. Hopefully this will come back like an old friend you haven't spoken to in a long time, but still have a connection with. We'll see.

I've been coming across some old notes from friends long whose friendships have long-since been buried under regret and time. Sometimes I wonder if the friendship is worth rekindling. Is anything there? Does it more harm than good? Is it worth it? Is who we are now compatible? Were we even compatible then or were we victims of a larger circumstance? Is there anything new to bring to the table, or would it be friendship for the sake of nostalgia?

I've enjoyed my solitude. I'm surprisingly good at it, for a person who spent years being afraid of being romantically alone, I'm really good at cutting myself off from friends. But people die, and honestly, if I did today, would anyone come to my funeral?

I don't say that in a way that suggests I'm considering harming myself, only to suggest that death is real, and I read somewhere "live your eulogy." It got me thinking. If I want to be remembered as a person who touched many lives, I have to go meet the people whose lives I'm going to end up touching. That doesn't always happen from the safety of the 4 walls of my home.

Sorry if this took a morbid turn, it's just that I'm really good at sheltering in place, and not that good at maintaining friendships with people. I've tried reconnecting and honestly, it just feels like we're speaking for the sake of how things were, instead of looking at how things are now in the sense that maybe we're just not friends in 2016, and that's okay. We don''t have to be friends now because we were friends then.

Anyway, like I said, I'm still here. Anyone who wants to reconnect, I'm game. Let's see how deep the vein really goes.


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